Ain't no gehw'n back nehh...
Yours. Truly. | Monday, April 13, 2015 -- 9:26 AM EDT
I give my life to you... my heart to you... you're all i need... so come and make me new
So I woke up this morning scared, scared about whats going to happen when I leave, how I will survive.
After I stood by the reservoir for a while, tears running down my face, I looked up to the only star that appeared in the sky. As I stared at the star I could swear that I saw it moving. Maybe its just the rotation of the earth I told myself. When the wind started picking up and I felt it start to push me back in the direction of my apartment I decided “maybe I should go with the wind and head back to my apartment.” Again, I walk by the man who was standing on the side walk mumbling, this time he sees me approaching and doesn't say anything. I was ready to give him money if he asked. But he doesn’t.... I continue walking...
I wonder, will that man be me in a few months. Will I be reduced to begging for my survival? Yesterday I thought about a man who lived in the town I attended highschool in. He was a homeless man who was living in the woods. Us kid knew him by “JC” because he looked like Jesus Christ. But for the most part the town dismissed him as some crazy person. I wonder if people will just dismiss me as a crazy person. I wonder if doing this will make me crazy. I wonder if I will be kidinapped by the government or some organization trying to conduct experiments on humans because I am homeless, nobody would miss me...
I worry that I wont be able to carry out my mission, to help men make it to god... to humble themselves before god so that we can make it through the turmoil that awaits. I wonder if I'll be marked by the government as a lone wolf domestic terrorist when I decide to forgo living “on the grid.” Very likely. I wonder if ill be picked up at some point, arrested, illegally detained and without due process for no legal reason other than I make others feel uncomfortable. I wonder where JC went. One day he just disappeared from the town. I wonder if society pushed him further away...
So last night my parents went up to bed, and they didn't finish watching the “Killing Jesus” production and I was left down stairs by myself. I finished watching it and it was now at the point where he was betrayed and taken into captivity. This particular production focused particularly on how as he was being crucified he was being taunted trying to get jesus to curse his persecutors, his tormentors.
When he was on the cross jesus had his doubt again..
"46And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? 47Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, This man calleth for Elias. 48And straightway one of them ran, and took a spunge, and filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink. 49The rest said, Let be, let us see whether Elias will come to save him. 50Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost. 51And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent;” -Matthew 27
This particular production depicted John standing there saying “if he has forsaken him than we are all doomed....”
Seeing that gave me peace. Just last night I was watching Jesus of Nazareth and Jesus had just met Thomas and after he said to him “can you believe without seeing?”, to which Thomas replied “yes I do, sometimes... but then my mind wanders and things get all blurry” Then he said to him “to doubt that much you must want to be sure.”
Something speaks to me inside telling me when something is wrong or right. Sometimes I don't have the words to express this feeling, the logic in place to express it, sometimes they just talk over me.. or just ignore me when I speak and don't offer me some kind of verification... but still... I know... I doubted that feeling, that knowing, as my family seemed to circle me and not really try to give what I was saying a shot. I began to question it... I began to doubt if what I was about to do was going to be meaningless. If people would actually stand together and recognize the error of their philosophy that has given rise to the world that we have; if people would stand with me and say “no more!” If people would just chastise me, dismiss me as just another dream.
My mind travelled to well meaning people like my mother, who refuse to try and see things another way. I worry if our generation has what it takes, if we can stand in the face of doubt knowing that we are right, that we are righteous.
I have these conversations with this friend of mine that I met in online video games, I save them because I figure we hash out some meaningful things. I saved them with the idea that maybe I'll use these in some novel I write or integrate the concepts of each but I think ill just copy paste the entire conversation here. Because I hear a lot of people doubting the concept of right and wrong. Just last night, I watched John the Baptist lament “woe unto those who call evil good and good evil.”
So here is the conversation.
him: hey man, that's why you're not a doctor
me: exactly
me: because in western medicine
me: to be a dotor
me: you have to do what your told
me: not what is true
him: not true at all
him: I have been to a rheumatologist who went to med school in china
me: aggree to disagree
him: he practices based on his research and teachings
me: there was literally a trmpet style sound revererating from teh sky for a solid couple minutes this morning
him: good song
him: you might be suffering from tenitis
him: tinnitus
me: hmm
him: we're getting snow tomorrow!
me: i know
me: i prayed for a lot
me: lets see what happens
me: thast nice to see
him: slibbiditiby
me: i think some time soon
me: god is going to come to you
him: I think the only way god will come to me
him: if at all
him: is if somebody very close dies and I contemplate taking my own life
me: however it happens, dont turn away
me: i think there is a lot of good fruit you have yet to produce
me: the strongest faith goes through the toughest trials
me: check out this blanket
me: think i want that
him: yeah, Im going to get like 3
me: nice
him: too bad it's out of stock
me: yeah
me: soome day
him: my new keyboard is like having god in my life
him: well
him: the first one I got from the store was broken
him: so I had to
him: but it's the same model
him: so my first god was handicapped
him: if you could use only one program for the rest of the year
him: what program would it be
him: not including windows/osx
him: I actually have blanket very close to that one
him: it's an alpaca blanket
him: and I keep it in my car as a backup incase the car breaks down
me: nice
him: what program
me: its tough
him: I think I'd use excel
me: because every program needs another to work as intended
him: for productivity
him: not movies, etc.
me: i woul d probably use word or open office
him: open office is a lot of shit
me: yeah
him is now Online.
me: 24Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit. 25He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal. 26If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be: if any man serve me, him will my Father honour.
him: The angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” “I’m running away from my mistress Sarai,” she answered. Then the angel of the Lord told her, “Go back to your mistress and submit to her.” Genesis 16:7-9
him: Hey man
him: the bible is the bible
him: Ezekiel 23:18-21: When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her naked body, I turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister. 19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.
bododin: The angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” “I’m running away from my mistress Sarai,” she answered. Then the angel of the Lord told her, “Go back to your mistress and submit to her.” Genesis 16:7-9
him: Hey man
him: the bible is the bible
him: Ezekiel 23:18-21: When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her naked body, I turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister. 19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.
me: 42Nevertheless among the chief rulers also many believed on him; but because of the Pharisees they did not confess him, lest they should be put out of the synagogue: 43For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.
44Jesus cried and said, He that believeth on me, believeth not on me, but on him that sent me. 45And he that seeth me seeth him that sent me. 46I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth on me should not abide in darkness. 47And if any man hear my words, and believe not, I judge him not: for I came not to judge the world, but to save the world. 48He that rejecteth me, and receiveth not my words, hath one that judgeth him: the word that I have spoken, the same shall judge him in the last day. 49For I have not spoken of myself; but the Father which sent me, he gave me a commandment, what I should say, and what I should speak. 50And I know that his commandment is life everlasting: whatsoever I speak therefore, even as the Father said unto me, so I speak.
him: “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” (1 Timothy 2:12)
him: how do you explain people blindly following teachings from a book that was written by man
me: you have to take things for what they are
me: the truth is within you me: not a book
me: the book is the inspiration
me: take things for waht they are
me: dont throw out the abby with the bath water
him: I bet you don't even believe in god
me: ha
me: not true sir
me: from as early as i can remmber i knew god was true me: that has helped me keep faith throughout all the things that try to persuade me otherwise
me: because god isnt a religion
him: lil zygote redacted
me: thats why people lose faith
me: they put faith in religion
me: not god
me: in your heart you know the truth too
me: because you are a part of god
me: you know god is true,
him: hey man, I dont know
him: I dont really care if people believe in god
me: you do though
me: because they are you
me: your ego tells you that you dont
him: they're floating around and landing on my toothbrush when I take a shit too
him: I mean, it just doesn't work like that
me: the best way to combat your ego is to love and praise god
me: god is everything in creation
him: that's like submitting to god and his teachings the way isis does
him: so you can go kill people in the name of god
me: they clearly don't know god
me: and are obviously decieved
him: sure they do
him: it's in them
him: and they are convinced they do
him: so they surely do
him: who are you to tell them they don't believe in god
him: and know him
me: somone doesnt percieve god
me: someone beholds god
me: god is
me: truth
me: truth is
me: its independent of waht one eprcieves as truth
him: well, apparently their truth is different than what you percieve as truth me: there is only one truth
him: as far as you're concerned
me: no
him: yes
him: do they know god
him: yes
him: do you think they know god
him: no
him: two different truths
me: conceptually speaking of waht the word truth represents
me: truth is somthing absolute
him: it is absolute in that example
me: when you preface it by "their"
me: it isnt truth
me: its somthing else
me: but truth alone
me: is one
him: you're basing it on your perception of truth though
me: no
him: well, yeah, you really are
me: no
him: because whatever you say is truth
him: in yoru mind
him: is truth
him: even if it isn't
me: your trying to understand language
him: but if you percieve something as truth
him: whether it is or not
him: doesnt matter
me: i dont understand what you are saying
him: you're saying they dont know god
me: correct
me: because god isn't an oppinion
him: but how can you prove or disprove truth
him: it's based on ones perception of what is truth
him: so really, the perception of truth is more important than what is actually true
him: becasue you can persuade others to believe in yoru perception of the truth
me: 44Jesus cried and said, He that believeth on me, believeth not on me, but on him that sent me. 45And he that seeth me seeth him that sent me. 46I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth on me should not abide in darkness. 47And if any man hear my words, and believe not, I judge him not: for I came not to judge the world, but to save the world. 48He that rejecteth me, and receiveth not my words, hath one that judgeth him: the word that I have spoken, the same shall judge him in the last day. 49For I have not spoken of myself; but the Father which sent me, he gave me a commandment, what I should say, and what I should speak. 50And I know that his commandment is life everlasting: whatsoever I speak therefore, even as the Father said unto me, so I speak.
me: just meditate on that right there
him: read what I said
me: so truth is a word that represents a concept
me: those 5 cahracters "truth" might some day take on a different concept
me: but the concept will remain
me: does that make sense?
him: i dont see how the truth can change
him: so not really
him: maybe in a particular example, it can
me: truth doesnt
me: wrods do
me: words*
him: yeah
me: so somone knows god
me: many poeple have different understandings of god
me: he some beraded guy in the clouds
him: god is an idea
me: whatever
him: neither proven or disproven
me: no god is proven
me: do you understand what i have said?
him: right, he is you
me: just before this
me: about words
me: concepts
him: but that's your understanding and how you percieve god
him: the concept of god
me: god
me: god can represent many things to many people
him: yes, yes it can
me: because god is a word in language
me: words take on different meanings in different contextual scenarios
me: so, hence you have religions
him: but how can you claim that your understanding of "god" is correct
him: versus that of another religion
him: and their perception
him: just becasue you think it is truth, doesn't make it absolute
me: religion the term, as it is understood popularly, is used to express an instituion with a set standard of doctrine
me: practice
him: right
him: but god might be percieved differently
him: between religions
me: god is a term that represents a concept
me: god can represent many concepts to differnt people
me: just as any word can
him: so these people following their religion
him: can say they know the truth of god
him: it's what they believe
him: and what they believe is truth to them
him: it's like a crazy person
him: ends up in a psych ward
him: but their perception of reality (our reality)
him: is different
him: doesn't make it right or wrong
him: who can say what the absolute truth is
him: it's just an idea
me: i am trying to help you to understand who or what the term "god" represents to me
him: right, exactly
him: to you
me: yes
him: that's my point
me: let me finish
me: just try to understand what i ams aying to you
me: first
me: so the term god me: it has many emanings to many differnt people
me: if this is how you understand god, then yes god is somthing that is deemed by ones perception
me: the god that i am telling you about is everything that isn't perception
me: reality
him: seems like god is the wrong term
me: no its the perfect term
me: because the popular understood concept of "god" is an all powerful supreme being
me: creator of everything
me: most people will aggree that is their understanding of who god is
him: but there are people that argue that if god is everything and creator of everything me: waht most religions argue over is "god's law"
him: then he also created all the violence
him: and death
him: and impure thoughts
me: well
me: heres the crux
me: those things are manifestations of our egos
him: which god created as well
me: wrong
him: then he isn't all powerful and almighty
him: he would have been able to make everything perfect
me: he didnt create our egos because our egos don't exist me: they are illusory
him: no, i think ones bad intensions are perfectly clear... more clear than ones perception of god
him: that's like saying
him: an impure thought isn't real
him: but a great thought of love is
him: is love real
him: or is that also illusory
me: fear is a manifestation of the ego
me: love is somthing that supercedes the ego
me: and is thus a creation
me: as a matter of fact
me: you look at creation
me: all of it is love
him: so you're saying love is real and created by god
me: yes
him: it's a thought
me: no
him: it can be created in ones mind
me: not as i am trying to explain it to you
me: love is an action
me: or even better, love is just expression
me: there isa reason why poets have pndered about love for millenia
me: because most poeple dont understand waht love is
him: well, it's different for everyone and is based on how individuals percieve it
him: just as god (to most people) is
me: i am trying to break down the barrier of language for you
him: I know what you're saying
him: I just disagree and am trying to reitterate
him: reiterate
me: God IS
him: a perception
me: Love IS
him: a perception
me: no
me: these things are
me: they exist
him: that's why it isn't absolute
him: and not everybody believes in it
me: to you love is the chemical reaction that occurs in the body
him: no
him: not really
him: I think a lot of it comes from compromise and trust
him: not really a chemical reaction
me: the result of a certain sequence of information that is processed by the brain
him: although there is a component of lust and attraction
him: right, that's how you meet someone
him: is a process of chemical reactions
him: but love is built over time
him: it may or may not exist
me: are you understanding waht i i am saying to you about words
him: love is just an all encompassing term
me: meaining
me: concepts
him: they can change
me: words can
me: concepts remain
me: the words to represnt concepts change
me: but concepts will always remain
me: i am explaining to you the concept of god
me: the concept of love
me: When i say "God IS"
him: but you're explaining what you think these concepts mean
me: because god doesnt depend on my perception of him to exist
him: he does
him: because
him: if we got rid of religion
him: and lived in a world with no concept of god
him: he woudln't exist
him: I know what youre saying
him: I just disagree
me: thats fine
him: that's why I can't describe it like you are
me: 44Jesus cried and said, He that believeth on me, believeth not on me, but on him that sent me. 45And he that seeth me seeth him that sent me. 46I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth on me should not abide in darkness. 47And if any man hear my words, and believe not, I judge him not: for I came not to judge the world, but to save the world. 48He that rejecteth me, and receiveth not my words, hath one that judgeth him: the word that I have spoken, the same shall judge him in the last day. 49For I have not spoken of myself; but the Father which sent me, he gave me a commandment, what I should say, and what I should speak. 50And I know that his commandment is life everlasting: whatsoever I speak therefore, even as the Father said unto me, so I speak.
me: this is what I am explaining to you
him: right, but those are teachings from the bible
me: who cares whre they are from
me: jsut take it for what it is
me: the meaning
him: I just
him: dont see it
me: i think you do
him: all I see is an idea
me: its not an idea
me: it is reality
him: it is your reality
me: one day the body which you are calling "your" will pass away
me: but reality will remain
him: yep
him: well, the realities of every inidividual will remain
me: so you think that if every human were to die, the world would ease to exist?
me: cease*
him: no, I'm saying reality is independent
me: well tahts good
him: it's a state of mind
me: ?
him: there can be infinite realities
me: those last two statements contradict each other
him: independent, as in every person can have their own reality
me: if there are no minds to have a state
me: does reality stop existing?
him: well, if I die, my reality doesn't exist
him: but life remains
him: mass
me: you keep prefacing words with "my"
him: all the phsyical attributes of my reality remain, in theory
me: or "their"
him: right
him: its' not absolute
me: so
him: reality is what one makes of it
him: you make your own reality
me: ok
him: if you're a crazy shit bat, you have your own reality
him: it's not right or wrong
me: the physical world that you and i both inhabit
me: every human in the world dissapears
me: does the physical world dissappear too?
him: maybe
him: if I had to answer, I'd say no
me: ha
me: ok
me: that is reality
me: truth
me: truth deosnt depend on somone percieving it
me: it IS
him: but who can prove that if you die him: life doesnt' end for everyone else
him: you can't
him: you can believe it does
me: well
me: when somone in the world dies
me: you still exist dont oyu
me: ?
him: we're talking about you and me
him: so if you die
him: you don't know if the world continues to exist
him: but you choose to believe it does
him: it's an idea
me: well
me: when my grandfather died
me: I still existed
him: yes
him: the point is
him: reality is what you make it
me: ?
him: your reality could be that the world ends when you die
me: perception is what you make it
him: it's pretty fuckie
me: reality is a word that represents a different concept
me: reality is somthing independent of eprception
him: who are you to define what is a concept versus another word
me: me
me: i am one person
him: exactly
him: in your reality
me: i am telling you what the common understanding of words are
him: you're telling me god is
me: and waht concepts they represent
him: and love is
him: and i disagree
him: and a lot of other people would too
me: I think if you asked most people to define love
me: they would struggle
him: right
him: they would
him: describe reality
me: i think that we have exhausted this thing about words
me: and concepts
me: you dont want to accept it thats fine
him: no, I just disagree
me: ok
him: with how you're defining love and god to be concepts him: and that they're true
him: and they just are
me: thats fine
me: but you now understand the concept of which i am referring me: label it how you want
him: I just don't think you can say people don't know god
him: god is an idea to me
him: that's all
him: or a concept, but not as you define a concept
me: god to you is fairytale
me: god to me is real
me: how could you claim to know god
me: when god is fake
me: I claim to know god
me: because god to me is real
him: yeah, that's fine
him: I think of god as a way for people to understand things they don't understand
him: a way to believe in something when they are struggling
him: to help them
me: right
me: you think that god is a manifestation of peoples desire to be comforted
me: a perception
me: and you agree that perceptions arent real
him: perceptions are real to individuals realities
him: they think they're real
him: whether or not they are
him: eh, that was redundant
him: but you know whati mean
me: but somone who thinks of god as a story can't know god
me: the same that if i say i know somone its because i have met them
me: that person knows me
him: but
him: for example
him: people have imaginary friends (really), and to them, they're real
him: they're part of their realities
him: it's just a perception of ones own reality
him: that's where i'm at
me: right
him: but to them, they're REAL as shit
him: I'm not trying to be a dick, but god is almost like an imaginary friend
me: but god, as i understand the term to represent, doesn't depend on whtehr or not i percieve god or not him: as far as I'm concerned
me: imaginary friends do
him: right, it's deeper to you
him: which I understand
I thought about trying to sum that conversation up, like I may regret the way I responded to things, but I don’t really care at this point. Take from it what you will. The main points i'd like to keep with you is that there is such thing as right and wrong, because there is such thing as truth. These things aren't opinions or perceptions, these things are very real and exist beyond or acknowledgement. The laws of physics didn't not exist before we were able to perceive them, before we were able to express them mathematically. If you cant acknowledge the concept of truth than I can't expect you to acknowledge the reality of right and wrong.
So yesterday when I first got to my parents house, my grandparents and my aunt had just arrived a few minutes beforehand. They were all gathered in the living room watching golf. We said hello and got the whole routine out of the way before it got quiet and everyone went back to watching the TV. Then I asked my grandfather if he had been reading any good books lately. He is always reading some book about Lincoln, the Civil War or the Revolutionary War so I asked him this knowing that he had read a lot of peoples perceptions on the subjects. I wanted to pick his mind because I had been worrying that America was on the precipice of that same turmoil and I wanted to garner some insight onto what it was like back then, keeping my eye set on the truth and god and not just taking what he said as the absolute.
It was amazing that this 90 year old man was able to rattle off so much. But it was like he was absent from the equation and I was literally listening to the authors speak.
Anyways, so I listened intently and it was quite a fascinating time back then. He explained to me how the stamp act and other legislation was being passed by parliament that was suppressing any dissent or expression of dissatisfaction for the mistreatment of the colonists as second class citizens. People were boycotting non american goods because they didn't like the system. The system didn't represent them.
This was the revolution. And the powers that be knew it. They sent troops to Boston to impose what was essentially martial law. Living conditions worsened. People began to flee the city... The british sent troops to dismantle the “off the grid” cities that began to spring up. Eventually they realize that they have spoiled something. There were people who wanted to resolve the conflict peacefully, who didn't want bloodshed. But when the grievances were expressed in a letter to the king, the King's response was “kill them all....”
Here they are in between a rock and a hard place.... You either accept your slave status or face death for expressing your dissatisfaction with your treatment by the crown. Their response was to defend themselves.
I'm sorry guys. I just looked up some porn and jerked off. Not even a week ago I told someone that that part of my life is in my past. Looking at porno... I knew it was wrong but I did it anyways.
Much like war. Logically it makes no sense, but somewher along the lines we get frustrated, bogged down that we lose sight of the bigger picture....
I think I was frustrated talking about this subject. Its intimidating.... I mean, my family and I were all talking about world war II and how egregious some of the things we do to eachotehr for the “greater good” and who am I to deny that. We talked about how pearl harbor was allowed to happen, so that we could enter the war and overcome the political isolationist movement at the time. See back then congress actually declared wars.....
But I thought about it, about Hitler, about that philosophy. They were killing people for no other reason than they thought them a different race... they denied their own humanity... I thought about the people that went along with it... what would have been the alternative..?
Who am I to tell people not to defend themselves, not to defend their fellow man from certain death.... what if hitler succeded in England, what if he was allowed to go on unchallenged? How many more might have died? But is it solely about death? Numbers...
I felt weakness and doubt again... I looked on yahoo, one of the main articles was Floyd mayweather's garage. At my parents my brother came in talking about how some real estate tycoon is pairing with porche to build a building where the elevator brings you up into our apratment where your car is parked right net to your living room.
Then I thought about when we were talking about how the elite are using talks about sustainability.... I just felt overwhelmed. I still do.
So in this video attached to the Mayweather article the woman continues on talking about how in dc someone vandalized the vandalism that honored a dead football player...
The woman in the video neglects to mention the message that was over it: “government has failed you. Rebel and reform peacefully!” No mention of that just a quick shot of it. Followed by how some concerned citizens took the liberty to “and we were hoping a new artist would restore the design to its former glory. Thankfully it took less than a weekend for a new and improved mural to take the place of the old one covering up the grafiti that ruined the original. Just like that a little faith in humanity has been restored.”
I mean I just felt like all was lost.
I just wanted to retreat to myself. Forsake the world, leave it to devour itself... but I know that I would not be at peace knowing that I left the battle, that I retreated in the face of what was apparent. I know the devil tries to manipulate me into thinking that resistance is futile. Look how pervasive. But now I am reminded of the movie into the woods, a major production, big money backed this movie and the message was teaching us to stop trying to blaming each other and work together to overcome the problems at hand. I am reminded of when in my basketball playoff game, I called a time out and one of my teammates came off the court saying we didn't need the time out. “It happened, it's done, let's figure out a game plan of what we need to do.” Thats how we have to look at where we are at.
In the movie the baker thinks of abandoning his child after the death of his wife, he thinks that he is not good enough to be a father, something gets in his head. The challenges seem to overwhelming for him at first, he worries that he is too much like his father who abandoned his child, who set the chain of events that helped cause the catastrophe. But he is visitied by the ghost of his father who reminds him to strive to be better than his father, reminding me know to strive to be better than my forbearers.
I saw a little bit of my mom in the witch who kidnapped Rapunzel, not out of malice, but that she wanted to hide her child from the world to protect her. She had seen how nasty the world is and didn't want her child to be subject to it. I feel thats what she does now, pressuring me to get a job and live the white picket fence life style she has envisioned for me. She's worried that the world will chew me up and spit me out. But I must go on. I won't retreat into the hinterlands and watch as my brothers eat each other alive.
Can we not see this is what we are doing?
I think about all of the brothers in chriist, I think about the stars that shine. In the city, there's a bunch of light from businesses, street lights etc. that pollute the atmosphere and obscure some of the stars from shining. Still a few shine through the haze. Though they may at times appear to shine alone, I rest easy knowing that they are all gathered together, just some aren't shining with as much fervency as others are. But I know when you leave behind the lights that
just checked yahoo. Right now Farrah Abraham is trending number two. “Abrham slams fellow teen mom as 'white trash'”
“Lift your eyes up.”
See I know that it will take a lot of you to be hit by hard times to realize the folly of your ways, similar to the way my own family doesn't listen to me, they dont believe me when I warn them of what is to come.
Just as Jesus foretold:
“3Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary, the brother of James, and Joses, and of Juda, and Simon? and are not his sisters here with us? And they were offended at him. 4But Jesus said unto them, A prophet is not without honour, but in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house. 5And he could there do no mighty work, save that he laid his hands upon a few sick folk, and healed them. 6And he marvelled because of their unbelief. And he went round about the villages, teaching.
7And he called unto him the twelve, and began to send them forth by two and two; and gave them power over unclean spirits;8And commanded them that they should take nothing for their journey, save a staff only; no scrip, no bread, no money in their purse: 9But be shod with sandals; and not put on two coats. 10And he said unto them, In what place soever ye enter into an house, there abide till ye depart from that place. 11And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear you, when ye depart thence, shake off the dust under your feet for a testimony against them. Verily I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than for that city. 12And they went out, and preached that men should repent. 13And they cast out many devils, and anointed with oil many that were sick, and healed them.” -Mark 6
“15Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. 18Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” -Matthew 18
I will make sure that I try and reach the people of this city but I will not hold myself back struggling to try to reach people who won't listen to words until everything they thought was theirs is taken from them and they are left with the nothing that they are. In that moment, yes, they will listen.
So tried to point out the fact that though we won our independence, it wasn't long until things were back to business as usual. And thats what its about. They gave us our illusion. They wanted to convince us that we need a central govenrment and a standing army so that we could remain united against foreign enemies.
How can I ask people to do what they know is right when they come confronted with life and death situations, when I cant even keep my dick out of my hands, I can't do whats right when it comes to beating my meat to some pornography.
God save us!
I used to think that somehow we could do this by ourselves, but I become to see that I am to weak alone, it is Jesus who who will work through me to give me the strength to be strong in times of weakness.
At one point I mentioned to my mom as we sat in the living room after they all left. I brought up the egyptian coptic christians who were beheaded. I think thats what sparked the discussion about heaven.
It's a new day.. I went on a date last night. I randomly texted this girl I had been talking to on POF to see if she wanted to see the Citizen Cope “intimate acoustic performance” at the wilbur theater. I had tried my brother and another buddy of mine, but they both couldn’t make it. Surprisingly she did. I admire that about us. Our ability to put ourselves out there.
Anyways, it was on that date that I confirmed what I suspected. A relationship isn't what I am after. What I really want is just a shoulder to cry on. Someone I can talk to... at the show I was thinking, “maybe ill go talk to a priest, have him try to tell me that the path I see before me is wrong. Have him try and persuade me of something else.” But I know that there is nothing he could say. When I told my yoga teacher I was going through a lot right now and he asked if there was something I could do my reply was very accurate, “nahh.” While I did want to talk to someone about all this shit, I don't think there is anything anyone on earth can do for me. I am alone in this one...
I just get a call from my mom as I am writing this, “the force will be with you, always.” Why did I pick that ring tone? Something about it appealed to me, it always has. I don't think I ever truly appreciated it.
At least alone in the physical sense. I think maybe that is why I am writing this. Not for other people... I think I am trying to talk to God...?
I want to cry on God's shoulder. I appreciated this girl coming out, I wasn't about to duck out on her. I feel like a dick that I texted her now after my realization. I thought I realized the same thing after I dated this other girl last year. Something brought me back.. I don't know what...
I lead her on like the dick that I am. It starts when she tells me shes going to get a drink and asks me if I want something. The show hasn't quite started at this point. I tell her i am all set, then she tells me that she wont have one then. I feel bad because I want her to feel comfortable. I relent and hop in line with her. There was some awkward silence standing in line. Man that line was long. Eventually we hear the show start, she tells me I can go sit down. I probably should have. Still I didn't want to offend her..
We went through the first date motions and didn't really break the ice. She projects her own insecurities in conversation, lashing out, poking fun.. I think she tries to mimic my humor but thinks the humor is in making fun of people, fun of me. I wish she would just be herself. I know she doesn't mean it... I know it isn't her...
We get back to the seats and watch the show. I put my arm around her, resting on the back of her chair. I want her to be comfortable. I feel her tension. So I try to get her to relax, to let go... She leans in... I let my hand fall to her shoulder, my fingers lightly resting on her shoulder.
“I will carry you.. through the hurricane water... and I remember you in the blue sky...”
Lord knows I don't want this to go anywhere, yet I play along. Something about it feels so right... her head on my chest.. but so wrong...
Intermission comes and the lights come on and its like we snapped out of a trance. Back to awkward conversation, worries about what the one person thinks about the other.
I watched Houdini on netflix and the opening is Houdini narrating talking about his life, about our lives: that in some way we are all trying to escape. In his case and mine, and likely yours too, we're trying to escape ourselves.
“Put the gun down, put the gun down, put the gun... put the gun dowwwwn... yeahhhhh yeahhh...”
At one point, she asks me when I have to work tomorrow. I tell her not until the afternoon. She tells me thats nice, you can sleep in.
“Yeah I like being able to have the mornings for myself.”
“When do you get up normally?” she asks. I tell her usually around eight. She is surprsied. Then I back track, tell her it really depends on what time I get home and into bed. “I usually get home and fall asleep pretty quick.”
“what time do you think you'll get to bed tonight?” she asks.
“Geez... I don't know,” I reply offering a weird facial gesture.
I immediately regret saying that. She gave that one to me, why did I feel the need to play along.
“Why did I say that? Did I just say that? Did I just do that?”
What a dick...
He comes back out and we could just be... not worthy about filling the silence.
“well I am waiting on the day when the people walk free to see... When the penitentiary is on fire... When there's no need to bleed your mother or your brother or the one who come before whoaaa... When the penitentiary is on fire... well I'm waiting on a time when people walk free to see from the penitentiary in our mind...when there's no need to bleed for your father for your son or the one that you become.... when the penitentiary is on fire... ohhh...”
I dont think he played that song but I came across it when I was looking for a song he did play to write down some lyrics here.
I have heard the song before that night but for some reason I can't find that song...
I woke up this morning... thinking... I have heard two people tell me that saying.. I am trying write down what happened on the date that night... on the date... but I just want to let it be... I want to talk about the saying I thought about when I woke up... when people ask how you are doing they respond “i could tell people about my problems but who would listen....”
Do I listen to myself when I think about my own problems...
I want to talk about soo much.. but I feel the need to go back to this night and write about it... but ultimatly I think I am just gonna sum it up. I delted my pof profile this morning, same with my christian mingle profile... She texted me when she got home...
Her: “Hey, just got home. Thank you for a great night.”
me: “Thank you my dear. Sweet dreams.”
Her: “You too ;)”
Her: “This morning I was definitly cursing you when I woke up 10 mins before I had to leave for work lol I hope you have a good day.”
Me: “Yeah. I was cursing me too. Thanks. I wish the same for you.”
Her: “Ha your lucky your good looking. I want to see you again if thats okay.”
Me: “I don't know if its a good idea”
Her: “Why do you say that”
Me: “I just dont think I am in shape for a relationship”
me: “I'm bad news”
Her: “lol thats aright. I'm def attracted to you, I just couldn't let you touch me last night. If you don't want to hang out again I get it. I'm alright with just having some fun if you are too.”
Me: “I dont think I can do that either. : ( maybe we can hang out as platonic friends and have fun that was some time, But for now I can't get into any kind of intimate relationship. I have a lot going on right now. It has nothing to do with you or last night.”
Her: “I understand. The enrgy was kind of overwhelming for me at first. Feel free to chat if you'd like to. Thank you for being up front I appreciate it”
Me: “Yeah I apologize.”
As we layed together in bed, my arm around her, rubbing her stomach. I let my hand creep lower. I would pull out occasionally. I got as low as her pubic area, but evneutally pulled out again. She just laid there. Why I was doing this I couldn't really tell you. Then make my way back down lower.
I thought about unbuttonong her jeans, I knew she wanted me to. At least I thought she did... But then I stopped. And I try to go to bed. She got up and left to go home....
about how she came over we cuddled for a while and drifted off to sleep while watching the lone ranger. I remember watching the beginning, when they're on the train and the preacher cites the story about Daniel in the lion's den in his prayer for God to keep them...
“It ain't easy... for these thoughts to leave me.. there's no words to describe it.... and friends are in england... cus diamonds they fade... flowers they bloom.. and i'm telling you... these feelings won't go away... baby I can hear you sideways...”
We get out of the show, tried to find a spot to grab a bite to eat. The place across the way is open but the kitchen is closed, we walk further toward Newberry and the Boston common... the trance has been lifted.. there is a wall between us... still... she offers that we go to a place nearby where I live... I didn't want to say yes because I knew what that meant. I hesitated for a minute I said there is a pizza place, then she said you can cook for me... there is a surge of will when I say I don't have much food I can cook. Anyways... we wander around after getting food, she asks where we are going. We tried to different bars that had lines in them that weren’t moving. Its a tuesday night....
There are some young girls at the head of one of the line's, as we approach them to ask if this is actually the line to get in one just says “no! Nope! No!”
We ask someone else, they say yes and give us weird looks. So we walk down the street some and then she asks where we are headed, after we pass by my street, I tell her there are some bars up the road a little less than a mile. I awkwardly offer that we could continue walking there or go to my place... I didn’t want to say that but I did anyways..
“Let the drummer kick... let the drummer kick that... Relation... creation... incarceration... determination... equation... humiliation... reincarnation... situation... relations... identification... retaliation... education... inspiration.... substitution... non-inclusion... drug infusion... mass confusion.. illusion... solution... confusion... inspiration.. inspiration.. inspiration..”
I thought about going back and editing this whole thing to make it comprehensible for you reading this.. id ont think it would make a difference …
That night, watching Citizen Cope... my arm around her I thought about my decision...
“Wanted by the minster, wanted by dean, wanted by old folks, wanted by the killers, and wanted by the fiends......
Your love Your love, its 7 feet deep.... “
I see what awaits me... Maybe because this is my focus I'll bring it on myself, maybe not... maybe its just the fact that I have seen the world, the people it has claimed... and it will take a lot more than words...
Why do I take this cup...? Is it some kind of sick desire to be martyred...? Wtf is it...
“Wanted by the judge, wanted by the law....”
“wanted by the prince, wanted by the king, and your wanted by the driver of the limousine...”
Is it because I want to get into heaven. Why do I feel the need to do what is right? Right... its easier said than done I admit.... Things get complicated, reasons come in, logic...
What is logic anyways...
My mom just stopped over today, she dropped off some stuff and picked up some stuff I printed for her; her ipad cant print things.
We had tea, but the conversation consisted mostly of her trying to tell me what to do with my life, trying to get me to think “practically.” She talks about people she knows now who have been able to work hard and build up a retirement now.
As she talks I am thinking to myself, I wonder how much was left undone, unsaid for the sake of practicality...
Why do we settle?
I am reminded of what my grandfather told me a couple days ago; about how “when it comes down to it, Im not gonna vote for the guy who is best for the job but the guy who I think can win.”
Whats the point of thinking practically if in the end all I end up with is a retirement that allows me to pay bills while I do a bunch of stuff I postponed when I was younger. What legacy is there in that? If I did it for my family, in the hopes that I would help them do what I could not, what example am I setting for them? Would I have really done it all for my family, for my kids....?
What is the point of fighting a war to protect lives when in the end we have become just a bunch of mindless zombies, !??!
And now we sit here drowning in a cesspool of mediocrity, of practicality...
I get a text from a friend of mine telling me he is moving to Brazil for a year. I relay to him that I am sad but I love him and will miss him and wish him a fun time. “April fools!”
“I almost forgot, today is april fools,” as my mom reminds me the tax deadline is approaching.
April fools indeed.
I am reminded I have to get this website off the ground pretty soon, get this uploaded and out out the ether. …
That was yesterday. This morning I watched the Halo Nightfall movie. I was spurred on by the trailer that was released for Halo 5: Guardians. I think to myself, maybe I am not as alone as I let myself think, as something persuades me to think....
I'll try and remember to come back to this...
This tea set sits right in front of me.... Four cups.... who am I having tea with?
Just finished watching the second part of Houdini... Spiritualism....
It reminded me how badly we all want to believe in something... we can all believe something... but believing doesn't make something real... what is real....?
My mind is a;; over the place if you couldnt tell....
I am sorry.... for those of you who are reading this...
I want you to know, to see what I see... I dont think I can ever express it no matter how much focus.... every day life throws another thing at me...
“And its a shame! Traded on Jesus' name...”
“The fathers insane... the son is kind of strange”
Yesterday when my mom came over she told me I couldn't just go and live without working... “youll be in a homeless shelter with all the drugies and alcoholics...” I think she knew what was coming but never really admitted it... I think the same goes for me....
I was thinking about her saying that to me today... maybe she's right.. but maybe that's where god wants me... society will push me away... reject me...
“The stone that the builder refused shall be the headcorner stone...” Oh Jesus thank you...
I woke up this morning and saw this video on infowars of an interview with steve quayle. I have some of his books, never read them... but I have verified the truth of what he writes about in his books. I think about the story of Adam and Eve. I see history repeating itslf. See there is a super Elite out there who are seeking eternal life on earth, and they are pushing research on how it may be accomplished, maybe merging human consciousness with machines which we see refelected in hollywood with the movie Transcendence..” We are a bunch of hackers trying to hack the source code...
But there is a lesson to be learned in Adam and Eve.... So they already had eternal life avaible to them... but instead they decided not to head the warning of their father... They fell for the temptations of the serpent... they wanted to be as God, so they ate from the tree of knowledge, instantly they were aware of their nakedness... See before science there was something called alchemy, and this quest for eternal life has been around longer than people might think... its all just different levels of deciept. To divide yourself from other people.
The cops the people, black and white, man vs woman, overpopulation.
The other night we got to talking about the Nazis, I tried to let my family know that yes we killed the Nazis but we didn't kill the philosophy. The philosophy of division. And maybe we are a little different, but aren't we also the same?
I tried to make them aware that the philosophy came from America, hitler's rise was brought about by western financiers. I tell them about how the communist revolution was funded and manipulated by the same thing... You see, the policy we use to manipulate revolutions in latin America and the middle east... its something that has been used for a while.. I questioned whter or not maybe thats what the American revolution was, a purge, a manipulation.. But these men were faced with death... and for otehrs they were faced with worse oppression...
See Masonry teaches people that Lucifer is God, but it doesn't really matter to me... doctrines... names... words... they change...
Now we see Russian politcal analysts with clout calling for nuclear attack on the united states... Maybe he is just an actor and doesn't know it.... what is it gonna take for us to get it together... Do we really think that we can manipulate this into happening...
I know people have to make decisions, tough ones, you see something happenig if you do one thing … how do you know it will happen? Odds? Are the odds really enough?
You see... when I don't pay taxes, maybe others dont pay taxes too.. maybe the amreican govenremnt starts losing money... is it me that forced the martial law of the US governmnet... or is it the governemnt's refusal to change...
Am I the one who is going put me in a cell or is it somebody else? I wont be held hostage by fear... War on Terror.... I don't think we know who the real terrorists are... I mean not only does our government carry out acts of terror... but they have paralyzed our humanity with fear. And for what? Because we are told to fear death... to fear suffering... to fear pain.... to fear...
We are sold the narrative that it is they who protects us from it.... what a bunch of bullys this govenrment is.... I feel like some mafiso came into our shop and warned us what might happen if we dont pay them for protection.
“These feelings wont go away... it aint easy for these thoughts to leave me... no words to describe it... if friends saw an angel... cuz diamonds the fade.... flowers they bloom... i'm telling you... these feelings wont go away...they've been knocking me sideways... theyve been knockin' me out, babe... whenever you come around me... these feelings won't go away... tehy've been knockin' me sodeways... I keep thinking ina moment.... time will take them away.... but these feelings won't go away...”
just woke up. Last night I was working... I waited on this couple that was really rich, they were really nice. It's not like a didn't like them. But what bothered me was that my manager came up to me and tells me that “they don't get a check.” When i told them that their meal was on the house, they said they wanted to pay, still the manager insisted. I brought up how it makes no sense to the chef, he just tells me that's the way it is. Sure, they were in here at one point for a buyout for a restaurant, but so what. Sure, maybe they will tell their friends how awesome Barcelona is..
I think about when I am out on the streets, who will offer me a free meal? Will people just walk by me and say 'hi' dismissing my needs for sustenance for a need to buy booze. Will people ever stop to inquire how they might help me?
Sure the government can and does do great things, but the reality is that people do great things through the government, when the government isn't an outlet for them to do great things, great things will still be done.
Last night one of the coworkers I told you about before came up to me and told me about how he was talking about me in his ethics class, cus I told him about how I saw the world end with these martial law drills. Like destruction of the world order that is in place right now, and not in a good way, ina way that many people will suffer.
He says that the class was saying I need to stop watching the news so much... that its just a bunch of propaganda, he said they knew about the drills I was talking about. So they ackowledge that the govenrment is conducting drills for martial law. See we all cling ot our illusions so tightly, Hitler is dead, so that stuff can never happen again, world war II has almost faded from memory and will become just a story... Even today, the news we see overseas... to them its just propoganada....
Sure there may be a spin.... but people are dying... people are starving... these are facts... martial law... you are blieveing the propoganda that its for your own good.... me I see it for what it is.... mass imprisonment... authority of a gun and not of what is right.... the oppression of freedom...
I watched an interesting video today by the guy “Louder with Crowder.” He had posed as a gay man going into muslim bakeries. He was highlighting the pc nazis' vendetta against christians, with the story that a person who owns a bakery who happens to be christian refused to make a cake for a gay couple's wedding because that person didn't want to do business with that couple, their reason doesn't really matter, albeit it was because they didnt agree with gay marriage.
He highlighted that the muslim bakeries did the same thing and no one said a thing about them, because he went in with a hidden camera posing as a gay man trying to get a wedding cake made for his gay wedding and they refused as well. Why should it be any different for the government? Don't give me this bull shit about who I vote for... who represents me on the ballot?
You want me to vote for someone who doesn't represent me? Well you can fuck off. If I am not represented than I simply won't be a part of your system, I wont give you business. You think you give me my rights? YOU ARE SADLY MISTAKEN! My rights were given to me the day I came into this world. I won't work in a prison so that you can let me out into another prison. I will die a free man!
He pointed out that today in muslim countries people are being put to death because they are gay, which is a civil right issue, where this is more of an issue of a private business' freedom to decide who they want to do business with.
The reality is just like anything, if you disagree with how a business is run, then you will not do business with them, perhaps encourage others not to do business with them, and if other's agree with you then they will avoid doing business with them and eventually that business will go out of business and their practice will have to change. He brought up how you aren't allowing him to make a living because he disagrees with you...
And I thought about my own situation, am I they pissed of gay person being refused to buy a cake and trying to impose my will with an iron fist or am I the business owner being denied my ability to make a living in a way that is in accordance with my beliefs...
To me it doesn't matter. I want to work, I want to make money but not if that means my money will go toward terrorism, toward the beheading of christians, toward gun trafficking.
I know people rationalize the decisions like dropping the bomb on Hiroshima because it will save countless lives. Those innocent people's lives were sacrificed for the potential loss of lives of others.
But those lives will ultimately die at some point, so its not just about how many will die but how you die. Besides who's to say you know how many would die in the future. There are calculations which are simply beyond any man, men, or super computer.
My grandfather brought up how Pearl Harbor was allowed to happen to get us into the war, I was surprised that he knew this, apparently the history books aren't completely terrible. But maybe its because those books are trying to make us think that this rationale is legitimate. But it is a cold rationale...
“I'm a human being dammit! My life has value!”
Who's to say my life won't contribute to some invention that helps solve world hunger...
who's to say..?
“Well the odds say that....”
“I'm not a number, I'm a free man!!” …
So the halo shit.. I know its a video game but try and stay with me...
No... not yet...
Last night, I was doing my closing sidework with a buddy of mine. I love the guy and I think he is a good, well meaning young guy. But when he asked if I was working tomorrow, and after I told him I wasnt, and he asked what I was going to do?
I reluctantly told him that I was going on a date... Which is today... I amgoing on this date with this woman who left me her number about a week ago...I had asked her to go to the citizen cope show but she was unable... I now realize I lied to his girl when she asked if she was the first girl I asked.. I didnt remember that at the time...
Anyways, I am going to honor the date... I think thats the right thing to do..? Before I had set out on the other date unsure about... my life... I think I was doing the POF thing because I wanted so desperately to find a girl that I would fall in love with and keep me, persuade me from putting myself between a bullet and a target. Now I will test my will once again tonight...
“Our father who art in heave, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven...”
I just need to make it through this date..
So my buddy asks me and I tell him about the date...
“ohhhhh, niiiiceee”
I tell him I don't really want to, and when he asks why not, I avoid telling him the real reason, god forgive me, I am not ashamed of you...
I offer up that I am tired, that I could use a night off to just rest. I am growing tired, I need to be outside... in the sun...
I was in the shower the other day... found another lump on my body... Maybe because of the bottled water I drink, who the fuck knows... probably something from society thats fucking with me... I don’t want to drink bottled water... but instead someone outs a toxic poison in my tap water for the sake of my teeth so I have to; a poison that my body doesn't process and builds up in my bones and brain, making me more docile.... Fluoride...
So he tells me, man there is nothing better than a little “chaka chaka” to relax, “no better sedative.” I don't resent that he said that and I know he was probably just trying to be encouraging, but looking back now I feel just sad because we have trivialized sex to just a sedative, and I know he meant well.
“Just a couple nights you had your hand down a girls pants... Who the fuck do you think you are? What a hypocrite...”
Am I going to allow myself to do things for the sake of the comfort of someone else? Am I going to allow myself to use this as an excuse for doing stuff that I want to do? I dont fucking know...
I pray to god again, that he keeps me on the path he wants for me.. I think of the world out there... if a woman can accept that that world comes first, before her, if a woman could accept my persecution at the hands of society I would love her greatly, I just know that there are few who might.
I was thinking about my mom telling me ill end up in shelters with all of the alcoholics and the drugies. Just the other day my mom sent me an article about the hundreds of heroin overdose deaths in Massachusetts this year alone. What does she think of me? What does she think will become of me? Even if my own parents don't believe in me, there is one who does. And for him, and in him, I will do great things.
I am reminded of how when Jesus enters the house of Matthew to dine with publicans and sinners when I think how maybe at some point I may allow myself to be put into a shelter:
“10And it came to pass, as Jesus sat at meat in the house, behold, many publicans and sinners came and sat down with him and his disciples. 11And when the Pharisees saw it, they said unto his disciples, Why eateth your Master with publicans and sinners? 12But when Jesus heard that, he said unto them, They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick. 13But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” - Matthew 9
“1There were present at that season some that told him of the Galilaeans, whose blood Pilate had mingled with their sacrifices. 2And Jesus answering said unto them, Suppose ye that these Galilaeans were sinners above all the Galilaeans, because they suffered such things? 3I tell you, Nay: but, except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish. 4Or those eighteen, upon whom the tower in Siloam fell, and slew them, think ye that they were sinners above all men that dwelt in Jerusalem? 5I tell you, Nay: but, except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish.” - Luke 13
See, those who think themselves beyond sin and repentance, they will not welcome me in their homes. They have no mercy in their hearts, they think themselves offering other people as sacrifice of themselves, sacrifice lives with wars for a greater good. There is only one good, how can one good be greater than another? I will enter the house that I am welcome.
“Thats purist... that's idealistic...”
God help us see the world that we are creating.. help us spare us from ourselves...
See I see that we are on the path to destruction... its not the fact that the states want to secede, that people don't want to pay taxes that will bring about this destruction, these are the first steps for us to correct the problem to acknowledge that we have neglected the world outside of ourselves. We have neglected our own responsibility...
I fell asleep watching a documentary about hitler and his rise to power. Sure he had the backing of certain western financiers and corporations, but the people went along with it because everybody wanted to blame someone for the terrible living conditions. Sure the french weren’t very forgiving after World War I with the treaty of versailles, who got us into world War War 1 though. It wasn't just the kaiser, it wasn't just the german people, it wasn’t just Germany... We all want to play the blame game, we all want to deny our own responsibility, distract ourselves from making any sacrifice.
You see the US government is on course for collapse and they are seeking someone to blame, and we as a people have to stand together and say no.. It's all of our fault... sure the banks took bailout from tax payer dollars when their bad investments broke, the fed printed fiat currency, we took out student loans, mortgage, we allowed defense spending for the business maneuverings of a wealthy elite in the name of peace and freedom, WE did this while we fell apart... for the sake of convenience we did this... all of us...
Are we going to be like the baker's father and run away when things get tough and we are faced with the consequences of our actions, or lack thereof. Or are we going to be like the baker, who overcomes the self handicapping to meet the challenge of the giant elephant in the room that is our minds.
“no good byes.. you'll always be miss america... we watched you flyyyy... but nothing's free miss america.. but as you fall apart... we're just calling out.... is it so harrddd to breathe...”
Where are our leaders??!!! You think the market can't handle the truth? Oh ye of little faith.... You think continuing to manipulate things in secret will help avoid the destruction that same philosophy has wrought. Only the truth can set us free.
So the other day I looked up the beheading of the coptic christians in Libya. After they were given the option to renounce their faith in Christ or death, they chose death. And as they did their last words weren't the cursing of their captors but instead “My Lord Jesus.”
The next day I was flipping through the Bible on the internet looking for something unrelated to this but stumbled upon these quotes and was amazed...
I saw prophecy fulfilled.
“12LORD, thou wilt ordain peace for us: for thou also hast wrought all our works in us. 13O LORD our God, other lords beside thee have had dominion over us: but by thee only will we make mention of thy name. 14They are dead, they shall not live; they are deceased, they shall not rise: therefore hast thou visited and destroyed them, and made all their memory to perish. 15Thou hast increased the nation, O LORD, thou hast increased the nation: thou art glorified: thou hadst removed it far unto all the ends of the earth. 16LORD, in trouble have they visited thee, they poured out a prayer when thy chastening was upon them. 17Like as a woman with child, that draweth near the time of her delivery, is in pain, and crieth out in her pangs; so have we been in thy sight, O LORD. 18We have been with child, we have been in pain, we have as it were brought forth wind; we have not wrought any deliverance in the earth; neither have the inhabitants of the world fallen. 19Thy dead men shall live, together with my dead body shall they arise. Awake and sing, ye that dwell in dust: for thy dew is as the dew of herbs, and the earth shall cast out the dead. 20Come, my people, enter thou into thy chambers, and shut thy doors about thee: hide thyself as it were for a little moment, until the indignation be overpast. 21For, behold, the LORD cometh out of his place to punish the inhabitants of the earth for their iniquity: the earth also shall disclose her blood, and shall no more cover her slain.” -Isaiah 26
“12Hearken unto me, O Jacob and Israel, my called; I am he; I am the first, I also am the last.
13Mine hand also hath laid the foundation of the earth, and my right hand hath spanned the heavens: when I call unto them, they stand up together.
14All ye, assemble yourselves, and hear; which among them hath declared these things? The LORD hath loved him: he will do his pleasure on Babylon, and his arm shall be on the Chaldeans.
15I, even I, have spoken; yea, I have called him: I have brought him, and he shall make his way prosperous.
16Come ye near unto me, hear ye this; I have not spoken in secret from the beginning; from the time that it was, there am I: and now the Lord GOD, and his Spirit, hath sent me.
17Thus saith the LORD, thy Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; I am the LORD thy God which teacheth thee to profit, which leadeth thee by the way that thou shouldest go.
18O that thou hadst hearkened to my commandments! then had thy peace been as a river, and thy righteousness as the waves of the sea:
19Thy seed also had been as the sand, and the offspring of thy bowels like the gravel thereof; his name should not have been cut off nor destroyed from before me.
20Go ye forth of Babylon, flee ye from the Chaldeans, with a voice of singing declare ye, tell this, utter it even to the end of the earth; say ye, The LORD hath redeemed his servant Jacob.
21And they thirsted not when he led them through the deserts: he caused the waters to flow out of the rock for them: he clave the rock also, and the waters gushed out.
22There is no peace, saith the LORD, unto the wicked.”
Isaiah 48
Israel is an accursed land. In God's name and glory will we make America new and we will be a refuge for the weary... We will make it through our opression, we will stay strong in our weakness and take joy in the suffering we endure for the glory of God. And we will make America new, and it wont be through a ritual spilling of blood or the sacrifice of the flesh that has done it as the heathen claim, but it will be the sacrifice of the spirit, of will, which no one can sacrifice for you.
See, its convenient for us to feel like we are doing something positive through the government while we neglect the stranger we walk past on the street, because why? I enjoyed the newest video game, the newest episode of my favorite TV show? I worked more hours for what? So I could get the newest iphone?
See the story of Adam and Eve is more than just a story about creation but a story of responsibility. Eve blamed the serpent, Adam blamed Eve and God because God told him to take care of Eve and when he saw that she had eaten the fruit he could not leave her.
It's a story about temptation to be like God, knowing good and evil.
Its a story about the birth of our ego's with the awareness of our nakedness and the rejection of our Lord.
It is a story of prophecy, about the promise of a redeemer, brought about by the seed of the woman who the serpent corrupted....
"5Hear the word of the LORD, ye that tremble at his word; Your brethren that hated you, that cast you out for my name's sake, said, Let the LORD be glorified: but he shall appear to your joy, and they shall be ashamed. 6A voice of noise from the city, a voice from the temple, a voice of the LORD that rendereth recompence to his enemies.” Isaiah 66
Anyways, I watched the Halo Nightfall movie. It was about a team of special ops epople who are on a far off colonized planet when, after peace treaty had been signed between humans and another alien race, the aliens sent an special op to test out a race based biological weapon. It goes off killing some humans who react to the compound. They discover the compound is from a destroyed Halo ring, which was a weapon that was used for large scale destruction, destruction on a galactic scale. The ring had been destroyed by the Master Chief, the main protagonist for the video games, and now this piece made its way to circling a red giant star, and there was only a specific time frame that you could land on the piece of the ring to harvest the material. They wanted to catch the smugglers and bring them back so that they had evidence that the aliens had broken the treaty, so they didnt just destroy the ring.
They lnad on the ring, clamity ensues, it turns out there is a life form on the ring that is sensitive to technology, of the electric variety, and so their ship gets damaged and they are stranded with a squad of people, with the hope of the 2 seater smuggling ship to allow them to escape. They have to make it back to the ship before the sun rise and detonate a nuke type weapon to destroy the remanants of the ring.
The drama evolves, humanity is called to trial as people are faced with tough decisions about who lives and who dies. A few people start taking it upon themselves to answer that question rather than leaving it to chance by drawing straws. It is these scenarios that are very real scenarios we find ourselves confronted with today.
It's about how people fighting about who lives and who dies can compromise not only the mission but also the means by which any of them may survive.
“every day birthed anew, born a promise, a million possibilities taking shape under each new day's sun, but what if the net time that sun rose there were no possibilities at all, only death, yours, and of everything you've ever known, how would you act in that darkness before hand, how would you go out?
We are simple things, soldiers, we are taught honor, honor means sacrifice, sacrifice means death, either our own or our enemies. In some ways, beneath it all, thats all a soldier is really trained for: to undo all of god's work, to take life where only god can give it. Were it that we were not soldiers but Gods..”
“Death will come to all of us, especially soldiers. It will come as inevitable as the sun, it is only to be feared if you fear what is on the other side of it, if you see darkness in your soul rather than light. In a way I suppose soldiers are gods. You give your life away so that others will live in peace, even if its only fleeting. The ones that live carry part of you with them. Your deeds becomes seeds for theirs, the sacrifice carries forward. And in their final moments, as a soldier, you know they will have to answer the same questions you did in yours. With your life would you only create death, or would your death will you create life. That is my question to you commander Locke, how would you die? And for what?”
Not bad for a movie based on a video game. When I do get around to publishing this someone will probably use this quote or something like it as a reason to remove my website, legally though I can include this. But it doesn't make a difference anyway. Who the fuck cares about law. You know what's right... dont you? You know good and evil...
But the movie brings up very important points we need to answer. What are we fighting over seas, why are we sacrificing our own nation over seas? What are we creating? A climate of resentment seems to be the genral consensus by those we claim to be helping so why do we “help” those who don't want our help... I am not saying good things haven't happened from the direction of the government but we need to sit back and assess where we are headed ourselves before we can go about helping people.
“1Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. 3And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? 4Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? 5Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye. 6Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.” -Matthew 7
Our society is falling apart. People are killing cops because they think that it will somehow make amends for the police brutality that has claimed so many lives, and still claims every day. Where are our leaders a dressing this serious issue of police brutality, drug abuse? Where does it all come from...? This hate. Why do people feel the need to steal, carry weapons... Clearly they don't think the police can protect them, the law wont protect them..
Can we all just pause for a minute and look at ourselves and what we are creating?
There is a philosophy out there that wants to reduce the population of the earth by multiple billions because they think the amount of humans is the threat to the world. There are worse things being discussed in even more secret circles and they need to be addressed. Sustainability..
How much focus have we put to fighting each other and creating problems and laying blame, focused on defense, how many resources.... while the world is faced with much more severe challenges. We need to take care of the earth, that is of course important, but now we are being told that we are running out of water...
Where does the water go.... We are literally in a vaccum called space... The majority of our planet is covered in water, yet still much of the world is struggling to get fresh water. Why? It makes no sense.. because the rivers are drying up?? please...
Thats not why... I'd say its because there a select few that are more infatuated with living forever by themselves, without god, then they are living forever with everyone else, with God. I mean the money that is being pushed for different technological developments with limited utilitarian application is ridiculous.
People want to cite statistics about life span. Do we buy these bullshit, misleading statistics. The majority of people all want the same thing yet somehow we have reduced our elections to people who do what we settle for and not what we want.
What are we living for if we are living just to add more days to our lives...
“Sure you say that now, try saying that when your looking into the eyes of death... you'll be singing a different tune...”
Do we know who we are?? Which voice in my head is my own?
“He's nuts, I knew it... don't listen to a word he has to say...”
When I go out and start living, I will enter into whosever house I am welcome, whoever can understand that they are guilty of sin.
“1There were present at that season some that told him of the Galilaeans, whose blood Pilate had mingled with their sacrifices. 2And Jesus answering said unto them, Suppose ye that these Galilaeans were sinners above all the Galilaeans, because they suffered such things? 3I tell you, Nay: but, except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish. 4Or those eighteen, upon whom the tower in Siloam fell, and slew them, think ye that they were sinners above all men that dwelt in Jerusalem? 5I tell you, Nay: but, except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish.” Matthew 7
But because we don't pay taxes to a central government, does that now all of a sudden mean that we aren't united? Fuck off. Of course not. We are united in our humanity, united under our shared interests of life, united under God... Woe to you who do not concede this truth.
You want to draft me to fight a War to defend an impending doom... fuck off... I am obedient to God... a government of God not of man. You might as well kill me now because I am just going to be a nuisance, a distraction, a virus... matter fact when you kill me I will go airborne!
I thought maybe the American revolution was something fake, spurred on my Masons who wanted to control the revolutionary ideas that were being kicked around, they needed to take control of the debate, of the narrative. Washington escaped because of a supernatural fog... gimme a fucking break.. mother fucker was allowed to escape... And this was all don't for what.. the great work? Suck my dick... you think this is the new atlantis? You fucking sick fucks.... why did you do this shit.... In one hadn you have your charities and non-profits in your other you got your hand on a predator drone, cus you think they're alone.
“heres another warrior song, rep this life to the fullest... mother fucker say your prayers.... you ain't paying your respect when you supposed to … her's a toast to the dead.. for all of my fam... I will never let an idea die with man...”
“It appears that I've been marked for death, my heartless breath the underlying cause of my arrest, my life is stressed.” Into the woods, because the red coats are coming...
See the fact that you use the dollar they tax you on that too because all they do is print more and get value of it that way... I don't want to support the system.... I want to do business... I want to trade but I cant trade in currency not sanctified by men.... Do we see the prison we are in... If the new atlantis is built upon lies and deceit, murder.... I want no part of it.....
They built a fucking wall along the border... For fucks sake do we see whats going on... we want to worry about isis but we act like a wall is gonna stop them... The way we are going to defeat isis is show them what we really are, who they really are....
Open the Borders!! Matter fact fuck borders.....
"25At that time Jesus answered and said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. 26Even so, Father: for so it seemed good in thy sight. 27All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him.
28Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11
I am a refuge, my country the Kingdom of Heaven, my government is on his shoulders.....
I prayed and God answered, sure I may be hanging on a cross and have my own doubts but I will know that God has not forsaken me...
Come to God, choose the tree of life....
Have faith, because knowledge will forever be just out of reach... enough to give you a little taste, just like a drug dealer will give to a drug addict, just enough to keep them coming back.
I don't know if any of this will make any sense, but to be honest I don't even care... I see it now!!!
I just want people to know things are going to get hard, but thats just so that those who refused to listen know that they were wrong. That they may have a chance at mercy... be merciful and stay faithful... rejoice at the chance your brothers have been given... No that the same was done for you...
“11Verily I say unto you, Among them that are born of women there hath not risen a greater than John the Baptist: notwithstanding he that is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he. 12And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force. 13For all the prophets and the law prophesied until John. 14And if ye will receive it, this is Elias, which was for to come. 15He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.” -Matthew 11
“13Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them. 14But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. 15And he laid his hands on them, and departed thence.” -Matthew 19
“oh god forgive me somebody please say a prayer for me... leaving my parents but they was never there for me... believing everything they feed me Im seeing demons... And if we die let the world understand why... soldier my eyes hate to see a young thug cry... they seeing us inside a casket thats how they see us...oh god forgive us ghetto bastards we human beings.... they leaving us inside this hell-hole …. just waiting to fail so they tell us thats what jail for... adolescence young teens turned violent.. its floating, in a world turned silent.. cause you could be touched..”
And so... back to my life....
My life...
what is so great aout my life..?
Not much to be honest. I think maybe why I am doing this is because its my own parable so that I may see the parable of my own life, and the meaning behind it...
“10And the disciples came, and said unto him, Why speakest thou unto them in parables? 11He answered and said unto them, Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given. 12For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. 13Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand.” Matthew 13
This halo 5 guardians trailer... I mean this is it... The reckoning is here.....
Here we have this glorious savior of humanity, a legend, faced with his imminent demise, apparent death is at hand. The destruction of the man so that the legend can go on to inspire....
Or is it the man who will inspire?
Is it the man who will make people see their own power, see they aren't some feeble person waiting to be saved...
Was it the chief who brought this destruction? Was it Locke?
“Hunt the truth...”
I don't want to play a role anymore... I just want to be who I am. I am sick of the story... its always the same...
There is a movie coming out soon called “Good Kill” about a Predator Drone pilot, killing people by day in Afghanistan and going home to his family at night. Following orders... who pulls the trigger? The guy who told him to? The guy actually physically pulling the trigger? Both of them at the same time? At what point will we stand down?
WE are faced with World War III, social turmoil, race riots, religious lynch mobs, world wide economic collapse, and a select few hell bent on immortality at any cost...
We are all succumbing to some form of deception that allows us to justify this persecution we are doing to ourselves....
When will we say enough is enough?? When will we set our ego's aside for something much greater....
“For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath....”
Its an illusion... this idea that you have anything... forsake that illusion.... forsake the concept of yourself for the one self.... because if everything is one... then will everything be yours...
I will not go gently into that prison... I will resist... not to the extent that I Jeopardize myself but I will not go along with this slave system you have concocted.... You think you have it all worked out don't you...
I see you.....
you sick.... God?
Shakespeare is famous for saying that “the world is a stage” I don't think I ever once grasped the application of that until recently...
Lets not make this a tragedy.... please...
I have to get ready to go to work now.. the girl I got to cover for me said she didn't want it anymore. I'll miss my date now. Did I make that happen? No...
Our father who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name, thy will be done...