America or Bust
Yours. Truly. | Thursday, April 20, 2017 -- 9:34 PM EDT
Pick it the fuck up
Sometimes my brother starts arguing with me.... i know sometimes I feel like he just wants to argue with me.. is it human nature? Is it nature? Why does it seem we thrive off conflict? like this young buck at work starts going off about how ridiculous trump is. I know he and the gossip high school that is the restaurant I work at are already chirping away talking about how crazy I am given the various comments I get about people who indirectly assert that I am somehow some kind of white supremacist, conspiracy theorist, and literally mentally unstable crazy person even though how they know me interacting with them first hand would point to the contrary.
But this kid sits there trying to joke around with this other guy about how much he hates trump and how dumb he is and trying to point to how dumb the people are who voted for him. This worldly kid, fresh out of high school in the middle of suburbia is going to start trumpeting how ridiculous Trump and Trumps trumpeters are without saying anything of any actual substance. But he knows where I stand, or at least he thinks he does, and rather than ask me directly he just goes about trying indirectly degrade who I am than rather ask me what I think, clarify my views and potentially is understanding.
When my brother sits there and argues with me about things, and others do, I don't take it personally. I am all for debate, I have internal debates all the time and its nice to just be a blind advocate once in a while. It's a relaxing time. I often just try to shrug off how antagonistic people are while they go about accusing me of antagonism, I still take it. Like maybe somehow this is just their immature way of legitimately asking what someone else thinks, being able to save face, mainlining their own perception of how others perceive them by avoiding having to keep up the act of somehow being this all knowing omnipotent being.
But when after getting its like he and others are trying to bully me into believing what they want to believe... at one point he made the comment that maybe 'deception' is the ultimate intelligence. At which point I denied that and said “how can I categorically say anything is a fact, you cant.” Like somehow I should just stop caring about the world because its all fake.... blah blah blah... I hear it all the time. The same kind of argument to get people to not engage in anything and be relegated to some state of acquiescence and inaction to justify their own life choices and why other people who dont make the life choices they make are idiots or whatever else and not because there are people who are individuals comprising a complex organism that is the “circle of life”. Some person comes up to me and starts going on about fake news while they simultaneously pick and choose whatever they want assimilate into to reality and believe that because they can manipulate perception they are somehow more intelligent.... that somehow they aren't incrementally deceiving themselves.
But I tried to explain to him in a number of examples... for example in coding …. boolean logic... meaning something is either true or it isn't... or if some variable is equivalent to some requirement then the the result of that check of equivalency will return true and a progression of code will ensue based on that result... it can either meet that equivalency or it doesn't.... it doesn't fucking matter what someone is perceiving... I tried to explain to him that you could perceive the consequences of some action that resulted in an unforeseen smack over the head and not what one perceived would happen or even what did happen...... one might go as far as to convince others and even oneself that the smack was the result of a carefully coordinated plan to inflict pain on oneself, and that person might even be successful on both accounts. Nevertheless, the smack occurred whether or not it's admitted or not. In the end he tried to make me think that I can never perceive truth because of the inherent flawed nature of perception... to which I categorically disagreed.
I went back into my whole diatribe. I tried to explain to him how deception is a function of perception and perception is a function of truth and reality so therefore the ultimate intelligence can't possible be deception but rather truth.. colors are an interpretation or perception of a wavelength that is constant...
But really what else was he trying to do then try to get my parents, who were ease dropping on the 'conversation' waiting for my brother to get so pissed off and start physically attacking me, to indoctrinate them into his own nihilistic misery? Why don't I just let him go on feeling like he has it all figured out? Why do I even bother?
Like why call me the hypocrite... I go through this shit day in and day out.....
….
It sucks.... I get all fucking anxious until I get on here and shit out out a bunch of bullshit... it's now clear that I am as selfish as the rest, narcissistic to the last....
The irony is that while knowing that getting on the computer and crapping out this all too irrelevant musings of my own life I for some reason sometimes feel like getting on here and doing work, and just fucking putting 'pen to paper' is akin to digging up a corpse and making it dance. It feels like I am having to over come some invisible force, constantly, and I mean beyond seemingly never gaining any momentum from supporters in my own life. My parents do their best but they can barely make it through the day without harassing me about my life decisions, which in their minds have been very poor given my present living situation. Can I fault them? I have become a liability; a money pit. They go through the parental notions drilled into them by society, ultimately I think they would be much happier without me living with them.
I just want to fade away into obscurity... A part of me says that I can't rest until I have completed this task, however I am not all to certain what exactly the term 'complete' entails.
…...
I remember when I was young I use to imagine myself saving this girl I had a crush on from some impending doom… I often would be in church as a kid and imagine myself having spiderman type super powers flying around fighting evil ninjas. Other times I would imagine scenarios where people came in and took the church hostage or whatever, what would I do. I cased the various exits. I was 007 extraordinaire.
I was playing the super nintendo emulator on my phone the other day reliving some of my childhood, and I was playing Zelda a link to the past and the various quests to save the maidens; or the secret of mana trying to save the princess from the evil empire. Im just the result of some fucking bs piece of fiction; I am a program. My program has fucking failed, miserably. As I grew up I remember thinking how dumb it would be to be a spy sent to work for people that never have your back really, waiting to be backstabbed by the next political agenda or whatever else; not being able to trust anyone. Who would want to live like that? Not knowing what your even fighting for.
I remember growing up, I would use the excuse that I would find someone who I could be certain liked me for me if didn't lose any weight, because I wouldn't be the ideal physical specimen, if I put my best foot forward. Now I think that I was bsing myself so I could go on being a gluttonous fatty; now I think I was probably just dumb and naïve. I should have just savaged pussy, fucked as many women as possible... Who the fuck cares about love. What the fuck is live anyways? Some selfish sense of security? A blind fuck sounds like it has more love than that. I should just give in to the modern mating ritual of tinder or drunken bar hookups. I prolly would have had better luck bagging a girlfriend and potential wife if I just 'let loose' and we could work out the whole love thing together later down the road. Maybe I was deceived by the ultimate intelligence.
Because unfortunately for me, an internet connection and my right hand have become my latest incarnation of my self imposed cock block, sapping any and all motivation and drive to open my mouth to a stranger and await being slapped, physically or with a sexual harassment charge from some social justice warrior, safe space liberal nazi. It's like I'm under a spell where I constantly try to isolate myself from people, I feed myself this illusion so that I can go on being alone. I went through my youth caring too much about some delusion of love I had seen in a Disney movie...
All of its for what? This big fucking show? What the fuck is it all for anyway? The world man has created is vile and ugly. I go on the internet and see some fucked up shit thats going on out in the world. We are on the precipice of the collapse of civilization; you can pick from any number of world ending scenarios. I often wonder if life is some kind of purgatory or even hell, especially after I see what some other people are going through and the people institutionalizing this kind of shit.
I often envision myself to be some kind of carrier of the flame, carrying on the good fight, but for what? So people can go on with their own slow death that is their life? So they can continue slowly tormenting themselves into madness? Is that why I want to have kids? Or is it more to do with the 'misery loves company' type of scenario, the haters who want everyone to be as miserable as them; I mean after all, I would say that this blog amounts little more than the self absorbed rantings of an egotistical pervert. I probably am not too different than the pervert pedophiles who raise their children in sexual abuse and all sorts of other dark shit.
Why would I want to bring a child into this world? To impart my wisdom and make them as miserable as me? Its a sick kind of demonic possession I seek to inflict on others. If I had any kind of morals I would adopt a child, but then there is the fucking darwinian program in me that says I need to reproduce my impeccable genes that my dad so often likes to tout about citing how old his parents lived. Blood.
In reality I have no business bringing up a kid, and I get that any reasoned person should think the same but I literally can't even take care of myself. And why would I want to bring up a kid into this world whilst holding a outlook such as the one I have articulated here.
Instead I spend my days going on random chatrooms and comment boards spreading my own disinformation pretending like I know what the fuck I am talking about. Truth is the one thing I know is that we are all a bunch of fucking hypocrites limited by our selfish desires to make our own perceptions, our own dreams manifest in reality. We are all our own self fulfilling prophesy.
I was in a philosophy chatroom trying to explain to people why I thought that there is no such thing as zero, that all numbers are imaginary, after they first attacked my character with insults, they went on to use the same system that was in question as a justification. I tried to explain that conceptually all mathematics is based on perception and that fundamentally perception is incomplete or false. Another time I was responding to comments I wrote the other day, someone asked me for more advice or links that could help them on the topic. Here is the interaction that can be found at http://www.infowars.com/secret-plan-for-soldiers-to-fight-terror-in-uk/:
guys... this isn't abut fighting terror.... you are the terrorist.... its about maintaining control over populations during unrest. They use "terrorists" to cover for the real threat, which they know is coming when the economy goes sour. Its up to us to not behave like savages, to work together to overcome this challenge and not fall into the trappings of thinking only about ourselves. To let the government of the heart, of truth, rule and not let corrupt governments of men lead us down a rabbit hole that promises only despair. cry "freedom under god!" in the depth of your soul and then you will know liberty... there is no death... only the next transformation... Nothing is ever lost, just turned into something else. Everything is connected but your ego, the false self. The social world we live in is the world of the ego, it is this world which is the enemy. To overcome that which threatens to destroy you then you must overcome yourself.
When you finally understand, when you realize the truth don't turn back to the life of your ego. When you feel alone, take comfort in knowing that the spirit is with you; that the spirit is within you; that the spirit is all around you; This is the way of nature, and any survivalist knows that to survive you have to go with nature. Everything is just another reflection, another aspect of the true self.
When we live in this way, then we realize that peace is not an illusion. We see that the kingdom of heaven truly is at hand. Be conscious about your actions, what they manifest in the world. Despite what the social world would have you believe, there is such thing as truth, there is such thing as right and wrong. There is no middle ground. You can't remove yourself from the equation and claim ignorance. Instead you must realize that your self is not a part of the equation.
"20And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, The kingdom of God cometh not with observation: 21Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.
22And he said unto the disciples, The days will come, when ye shall desire to see one of the days of the Son of man, and ye shall not see it. 23And they shall say to you, See here; or, see there: go not after them, nor follow them. 24For as the lightning, that lighteneth out of the one part under heaven, shineth unto the other part under heaven; so shall also the Son of man be in his day. 25But first must he suffer many things, and be rejected of this generation. 26And as it was in the days of Noe, so shall it be also in the days of the Son of man. 27They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all.
28Likewise also as it was in the days of Lot; they did eat, they drank, they bought, they sold, they planted, they builded; 29But the same day that Lot went out of Sodom it rained fire and brimstone from heaven, and destroyed them all. 30Even thus shall it be in the day when the Son of man is revealed. 31In that day, he which shall be upon the housetop, and his stuff in the house, let him not come down to take it away: and he that is in the field, let him likewise not return back. 32Remember Lot's wife. 33Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it. 34I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left. 35Two women shall be grinding together; the one shall be taken, and the other left. 36Two men shall be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left. 37And they answered and said unto him, Where, Lord? And he said unto them, Wheresoever the body is, thither will the eagles be gathered together. - Luke 17
"15Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. 17And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever." - 1 John 2
"24Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. 25For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. 26For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? 27For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works. 28Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom." - Matthew 16
"7And he called unto him the twelve, and began to send them forth by two and two; and gave them power over unclean spirits; 8And commanded them that they should take nothing for their journey, save a staff only; no scrip, no bread, no money in their purse: 9But be shod with sandals; and not put on two coats. 10And he said unto them, In what place soever ye enter into an house, there abide till ye depart from that place. 11And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear you, when ye depart thence, shake off the dust under your feet for a testimony against them. Verily I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than for that city. 12And they went out, and preached that men should repent. 13And they cast out many devils, and anointed with oil many that were sick, and healed them." - Mark 6
"4And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you.
5For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. 6And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. 7For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. 8All these are the beginning of sorrows. 9Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. 10And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. 11And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. 12And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. 13But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. 14And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.
15When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) 16Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains: 17Let him which is on the housetop not come down to take any thing out of his house: 18Neither let him which is in the field return back to take his clothes. 19And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! 20But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day: 21For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. 22And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect's sake those days shall be shortened. 23Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. 24For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. 25Behold, I have told you before." - Matthew 24
"3Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. 5Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. 6Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. 7Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. 8Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. 9Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. 10Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 11Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. 12Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you." - Matthew 5
"4Tell us, when shall these things be? and what shall be the sign when all these things shall be fulfilled? 5And Jesus answering them began to say, Take heed lest any man deceive you: 6For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. 7And when ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet. 8For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. 9But take heed to yourselves: for they shall deliver you up to councils; and in the synagogues ye shall be beaten: and ye shall be brought before rulers and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them.10And the gospel must first be published among all nations. 11But when they shall lead you, and deliver you up, take no thought beforehand what ye shall speak, neither do ye premeditate: but whatsoever shall be given you in that hour, that speak ye: for it is not ye that speak, but the Holy Ghost. 12Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death. 13And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved." - Mark 13
"21Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: 22But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. 23Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift. 25Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison. 26Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing." - Matthew 5
"38Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: 39But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also. 41And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. 42Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
43Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. 44But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. 46For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? 47And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? 48Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." - Matthew 5
"42Nevertheless among the chief rulers also many believed on him; but because of the Pharisees they did not confess him, lest they should be put out of the synagogue: 43For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.
44Jesus cried and said, He that believeth on me, believeth not on me, but on him that sent me. 45And he that seeth me seeth him that sent me. 46I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth on me should not abide in darkness. 47And if any man hear my words, and believe not, I judge him not: for I came not to judge the world, but to save the world. 48He that rejecteth me, and receiveth not my words, hath one that judgeth him: the word that I have spoken, the same shall judge him in the last day. 49For I have not spoken of myself; but the Father which sent me, he gave me a commandment, what I should say, and what I should speak. 50And I know that his commandment is life everlasting: whatsoever I speak therefore, even as the Father said unto me, so I speak." - John 12
"16For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 17For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. 18He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. 19And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. 20For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. 21But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God." - John 3
"24No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
25Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? 26Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? 27Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? 28And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: 29And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." - Matthew 6
"26Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known. 27What I tell you in darkness, that speak ye in light: and what ye hear in the ear, that preach ye upon the housetops. 28And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. 29Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. 30But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.
32Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. 33But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.
34Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. 35For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. 36And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
37He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. 39He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. 40He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me. 41He that receiveth a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward; and he that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man's reward. 42And whosoever shall give to drink unto one of these little ones a cup of cold water only in the name of a disciple, verily I say unto you, he shall in no wise lose his reward." - Matthew 10
"7Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: 8For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. 9Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? 10Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? 11If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? 12Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets." - Matthew 7
------------------------------------------- Someone asked: Do you have any links or more advice that would aid me in this
there are some good quotes from the bible i cited in comments above. But to be honest, all of the answers are inside of you if you listen to your heart. You have to want to listen to hear. I can't say what your role might be, that is up to you to decide. The bible is just the inspiration for you to realize what is all around you, what was here long before the bible.
The enemy is the ego... and trying to overcome the ego with logic and reason is a fools errand. If you let go of yourself and let the love that is in you and all things take over then I think we can beat this thing. Its easier said than done to do this. We are constantly brainwashed to think of love in a certain way, so don't overthink anything and get paralyzed by internal conflict. Ultimately, if you do realize truth and work to live in accordance, you will be tried and tempted back to give in to the ego self, you will be persecuted by society because your existence is in direct opposition to its system. Love is the key.
Work to humble your false self... it is a constant practice. Have mercy on others so that you can grant yourself mercy. Surrendering to something greater than your false self is how it starts. Admitting that you have lived a life that is an affront to the natural order. And then loving everything because everything is one in God. Love others and you love yourself. Love yourself and you love others. Love the trees, the rain, the oceans the earth and you love your true self; and you love God. Love your false self and you are not serving god but the illusory collective conscious that is known as the devil, satan etc.
"29And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord: 30And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. 31And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these." - Mark 12
But like i said, take comfort in knowing that by forsaking the view you have been conditioned to see as "your life" you have chosen true life, which is eternal. The truth is everything and everywhere, and the true light can never be extinguished. Just love.
….... End of act 1 …...
Seriously though. What kind of high was I riding when I wrote that shit. Reading back over that, now that I am compiling this entry, I cant help but feel like some kind of ass hole. what the fuck!? What kind of act is that?
I was at costco the other day and they had this kids book there, the trumpet swan. It was a story that I vaguely remembered from my own childhood. I have been collecting kids books to either relive my child hood, stack my library, or defend literacy in the event of systemic collapse of the digital infrastructure and carry on my program after death and selfishly live vicariously. But on the back of the book there was this quote that really fucked with me.
“The world is full of talkers, but it is rare to ind anyone who listens. And I assure you that you can pick up more information when you are listening than when you are talking.”
There are face value inferences of this quote: if you are not processing talking, which is an expression of information already picked up, you are able to process and assimilate other, new information. While that may be true, sometimes I do find that after I say something and reflect on what I just said I gain new insight, kind of like going back and reading a book I've already read before after having gleaned more from information from various life experiences and gaining whole new insights.
The quote reminded me of another quote I recently saw from carl jung that reinforced what I had been finding to be true after reflecting how critical people in my life are of other people: “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
but if you really take this quote from the trumpet swan seriously and 'read between the lines' then you eventually come to the conclusion that if the idea is that we need to listen more and talk less so we can be more wise, why would I listen to someone talking who is, for all intensive purposes, in the same lot as me. The quote then becomes counter intuitive, so clearly the quote is not referencing listening to the talkers it's criticizing, that is if it was talking about something beyond the reality that if we are talking we arent listening. But clearly, even if it wasn't intended, this quote, the language implies something far deeper. Clearly its implying that we should listen to the little voice inside our head or something.
I think I can safely say that that idea might not be so much of a good one either for a lot of people. There are all sorts of voices to be listened to in the inner world “eat that cookie, its fucking gooood” “you should tell that woman how damn fine she looks.” crazy voices. and then there are murderous, rampaging psycho 'voices' that prolly shouldn't be listened to so clearly this isn't the steadfast thing that we should be listening to either.
“Here we go, I can feel it coming. Please spare me yet another listen to your heart monologue about truth. For fucks sake.”
….
But seriously, should we never talk? That doesn't make much sense either. If someone is about to drive of a cliff shouldn't I roll down my window and be like “hey, dude, look out! There is a cliff you are about to drive off!”
Should I really leave that to a deadly game of charades or this guy's level of atunement to the force? Should I really be banking that this guys god a good relationship with a obiwan kenobi? Does any of it fucking matter?
Like all of these monks who take a vow of silence. Those mother fuckers are conned. Like I get that we are all hypocritical, that no one knows how things work, the heavenly calculus is incapable of being perceived by we mere mortals and what not so why not just fucking sit under a tree and really stretch out the fucking hips while awaiting that sweet embrace of death?
What a fucking crock, what a fucking cop out. Those mother fuckers just aren't any fun!
Then you have all these saps and i'll informed just waiting to “help the children.” You know, the “it's for the children” type of people who are just waiting for some evil sadistic Hillary and Bill clinton type persona to come dangle a carrot in front of their desire to 'do good', some minor deed they can readily reference to justify how much of a selfish asshole they are with the rest of their life when the reality begins to setting in.
***pshh*** “we got a clean up on schema 5, Lindsey is starting to question whether or not she is a bitch or not after spending her entire lunch break ranting about how ugly Genine's fashion sense is. We're gonna need to call up the community service she did in high school while attempting to accepted into college and her sorority. Over.” **pshh**
But seriously, these new age hippies are the fucking worst. Take your fucking positive vibes and ram it up your ass with the vibrating dildo you got in your sock drawr when you get to the point when you start wondering why you can't feel anything anymore and the law of attraction isn't working for your utopian commune. Pass the advice along to your gender studies tantra partner. You're welcome.
But seriously! These people are supposedly christians?! What the fuck are they doing. Why aren't they out evangelizing and what not. Silence is not conducive to a Christian lifestyle. Its more conducive to some perverts who want to be left alone so they can carry on their sick fucking lifestyles.
The shit i've seen in the 10++ years when I started really paying attention... why aren't people fucking rioting right now?! I mean I fucking post shit on facebook, incontrovertible truth, facts with evidence. No fucking reaction. Is it the fucking lithium? Have they replaced the old drugging the population methods through the medical institutions and pharmaceutical giants to just dumping toxic waste in the water supply like they tried to convince everyone would be a great solution to violence in the New York Times? Am I in the fucking twilight zone right now?
I mean I see people oversees dying, getting their heads cut off whilst refusing to renounce their belief in christ. That is a fucking christian for you. Not this self absorbed pow wow where everyone gets together in a stadium that they are pumping with some fucking meth amphetamines through the air ducts.
…..
After this election and all of the dumb shit that went down, it's getting harder and harder to find the redeemable fucking qualities of people, harder and harder to justify a positive outlook of this fucking death trap called life.
Watching these psychopaths in the media just completely dismiss any and all pizzagate related stuff... I mean... its fucking enraging! When any cursory investigation reveals that concerns are warranted these fucking dicks are willing to just dismiss it altogether because why? I know that national security thing gets tossed around quite a bit, but why are people listening to these fucking talkers, fucking con men. Fuck the nations security. Whose fucking security?!
….
They just arrested the guy who blew the lid off the story of planned parenthhood and all of the fucked up shit their slaughter house engages in in regards to smuggling human remains. Planned parenthood continues doing what they were doing without having suffered any tangible, legal reprecussions.
Planning for parenthood is one thing, but advocating for for-profit abortions amounts to a conflict-of-interest, ulterior motives, and goes against the spirit of family planning. It appears that "Planned Parenthood" has compromised their integrity, values, and institution, and should be disbanded. In fact, many of our health and social service agencies are so corrupted that they appear to do more harm than good. Time for a re-set in America?
but planned parenthood doesn't profit.... this is just enough to cover their "transportation fees"... *gulp* .... no need to actually investigate as to whether or not they are profiting from these. God forbid the federal government actually perform as it was meant to: keeping checks and balances on itself. Instead, the reality is that the federal government functions in complete contradiction to the purpose it was created, as it is constantly trying to eradicate the self evident liberties that are inherent in all matters of life. Instead it uses its resources to persecuting the average individual; it uses its legislative branch to create legislation not to protect the common man but instead for the corporate, financial masters. It devotes its resources to misleading the general population for its own security, and not national security. The federal government has gone off the reservation, but by all means... pay your federal taxes, or else they're gonna stick you in prison!
But they won't persecute the masters who have systems in place for not paying taxes. No No. Gotta keep the slaves in check. The federal government openly admits that they think constitutional, Christian americans are the number one threat to national security; above isis and alqaeda, above Russia or the banks. Isn't it clear who the federal government serves?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sovereign_citizen_movement Just wondering when they are gonna use the next mkultra program, or state sponsored false flag event to start setting up people in america up en-masse. And people believe that all these drills for martial law are for training troops over seas as a russian armada moves into the gulf coast to support texas if it secedes. And people believe that fema camps are for "natural disasters" as we move into designed financial oblivion. But no one wants to to tell you the truth so that we can change and fix the problem. They would rather put you in prison, maintain the slave system because its all nothing! Nothing means anything anymore so why the fuck bother? The only thing that drives these people is their fucking delusional egotism.
http://www.infowars.com/how-us-allies-aid-al-qaeda-in-syria/
This is about destroying america... That is why they are so flagrant about doing this kind of stuff.. sure there are the lobbyists and industry insiders but the real reason is to destroy america and what better way is there to do that then to flagrantly carry out state sponsored terror and get the world to disprove of america so that once we are weakened within through various political, economic, military operations it appears as though we won't be able to resist.
But that is what they want you to think, that resistance is futile. resistance is in the mind and removing yourself from their system, their game.
You can only be free once you submit to something greater than yourself. This is the truth they don't want you to realize and it is the truth that will set you free. When you do this you become that thing greater than yourself. There is no death. Fear is an illusion created by the popular concept of "self." You are resisting; you are resisting the truth and nature when you aren't resisting "them:" the system of the ego and false "self". When you realize this then you realize it is they who are resisting an insurmountable force and that they are ultimately doomed. This is the truth that your ego, and others manipulating that ego, have concealed from you and it the truth that is our salvation. we need to realize and admit that how we have been living in america is wrong... that much of our way of life is an affront to nature and god... and we need to work back to freedom.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/planned-parenthood-funny-or-die-video_55c8b8d5e4b0923c12bd6c17?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592&kvcommref=mostpopular
This is a serious issue... and it is distasteful to say the least to make jokes about killing the babies that are inside the womb. Its this euphemistic attitude that distracts us from what is really happening. Life isnt something you can just hit the "abort button" on. This isn't a James Bond mission. It's also sad to see how heavily politicized this issue has become, which points to just how perverted the political industry has become. This isn't about women's rights, it never was. Its about killing babies and the future inhabitants of our planet, plain and simple. Its about giving people just another outlet to justify carrying on in their selfish, ego-driven, reckless lives whilst the chains are being shackled and the prison walls of corporatism and crony capitalism/communism/socialism slowly engulf the world.
An armed Revolution is not a Revolution. It is the same thing societies have been doing for thousands of years. The revolution goes on in the mind, in the heart. An armed revolution is a part of the system... it is in the cards of the plan: a function of the model; of the lie.
You want to talk about freedom? Whose freedom? Someones freedom to leverage all of the wealth in the world? Someone's freedom to enslave others? That doesn't seem right. True freedom is freedom for all. That sounds familiar. Wasn't that in some pledge that was ultiamtly removed for the sake of politically correctness?
Just because they worked real hard to do it doesn't make it fair. What is wealth, value? Something is given value by people valuing that object. Key word being object. Food and water will always be the intrinsically valuable objects given that they literally sustain us. Everything else is ….
The monetary system is exactly that. They have monopolized trade and used the government as their enforcer to limit your ability to trade. They did this supposedly for the sake of the general population and commerce, because that makes sense. (little bit of sarcasm there) That's like having the world's richest man coming out and saying that the world needs socialism to survive. Oh wait, Bill Gates literally came out and said that.
but the result has been the largest consolidation of wealth in history. They have forced people to value something that they are in direct control of so that they can monitor your private business and tax your labor and effectively keep the general population in a state of perpetual debt. Those who aren't in such a position are those who have realized the game and have sought selfishly to carve out their own piece of the pie and essentially play into the design of the system.
They have now positioned themselves into a state of opposition to their fellow man, just as many impoverished have done by valuing the same thing that their affluent brethren have.
Yet now, when the system is exposed, the people who have wealth want to talk about liberty in the sense of their right to their riches, and about how people worked hard for their wealth, and the impoverished just want to talk about the freedom to live. Someone should be able to enjoy the fruits of their labor. But in this society, value of currency that defines wealth for many is contingent on people using that currency. The value of a currency is determined by those who use it But there gets to a point where you no longer are enjoying the fruits of your own labor, but instead of labor you have exploited through a corrupted system. You have taken your piece of the pie and believe that your happiness, relative to others poverty.
See, any system evolves from a thought, an assumption, a code. The system that exists today exists not only because of those who are at the "top" and have leveraged much of the worlds wealth but also by those who have willingly gone along with the system and given them that wealth, by those who have allowed themselves to be leveraged. True, in many cases the odds are not in peoples favor, the intellect underdeveloped and the will eroded. What has been given to some, may not have been in turn given.
But the assumption that has predicated this system, and is assumed by all those involved, is the same. The assumption of "self;" of life and death; of God. This assumption has in turn manifested what is held to be of value.
I woke up this morning thinking about a dream I was having. I was hanging out with some old friends from work and I was showing them how cool it was that I could just fly around; almost hovering off the ground. They were all shocked. They couldn't believe it and thought it was a trick. Then in my dream I found myself thinking that “this is only a dream, thats why I can do these things.” When I wake up to “reality” I'll be restricted to the same things governing the other people in my dreams. In my dream I began thinking well I would just have to realize that the reality I am living in was a dream, just the same as I was here. I can think it, but Its hard to believe that. Then I thought about how its hard to realize the dream if you have never woken up to reality; if your experience is only limited to the dream. I thought about how I would “wake up” in “real life.” If I did, where would the body be that I would wake up in? Would it be like having two mirrors facing each other, projecting the same image within itself. Would I just be waking up to another dream? Whenever people respond to me asking them how they are with “living the dream,” I wonder if its my subconscious trying to remind me that this is a dream. I wonder if maybe that person is having a similar experience and not just being sarcastic.
In my dream I know that the other “people” in my dream are just aspects of myself while my self image is also included. Still, I know that the entirety of my dream is all a part of me. To assume this same thing in the so called “real life” would be tantamount to the most satanic notion, completely driven by ego, people would call you mad, a blasphemer. Or would they call you that because that is what you are programmed by the assumptions of reality to think? What if we not only change the self image of the dream but change how we perceive the projections of our self think? Would it be that far off? What if in my dream I became someone that wasn't my self image but instead a projection?
Is it really egocentric to completely deny the concept of yourself but instead to think of others as yourself? Is it really as blasphemous to think of others as you would yourself? To love the entirety of everything with all your being so that one day you can see that the physical body is just a cell in another body, an eternal body, and eternal life.
“How pagan. How blasphemous. Twisting words around to suit whatever meaning......”
How hypocritical. Just like those men calling Jesus a devil.
...
Truth.
The concept so pure. The light that the purveyors of darkness shun and flee. Its defenses impervious, it is the sword that will cut away the strings to the entangled soul; the flame that burns away the chaff and purifies the polluted mind. It is the seed and the soil. It fills me. It nourishes me. I was told to ask, told to seek. To become a child – its child – a student of its way. It teaches me of love; the life.
“what the fuck am I talking about?”
To where I always return; Unwavering and ever present. My compass, it leads me; My fire, it warms me; the music I dance to when I can no longer hear. It holds me when no one else will; its words echo in the deepest darkest recesses of my cavernous being. Its soft, confident voice comforts me, reassures me that all is well, it soothes me and carries me off to sleep, to another world, another life; to the life. I return. The cabin with a lamp post lit in the middle of a vast, dark, snow blanketed forest; the warm glowing flicker of a fire through the cabin window inside beckons me after a long journey, the familiar comforting smell of burning pine and simmering stew smoking out the chimney reminding me of an earlier time. A refuge.
…..
“please... just shut the fuck up.”
….
The other day I went and had dinner with a friend from work. I had seen him a few days earlier and we had talked about getting together to chat in the comfort. We discussed many things concerning life and philosophy. He reminded me of a conversation that I had with another coworker who told me that he still thinks of what I told him when we were working together, about keeping your cool. “Once you have accepted that you are ready to lose your job at any moment, then no one you work with or for can cause you stress.” I told him how I thought that the same thing applies to life, when I was trying to explain to him the power of Christ which I felt wasn't as readily offered in other philosophies or religions albeit I believe the truth in everything and consequently is present everywhere and everything just not quite so explicitly. To forsake your life so that you can gain it, and be born again; to worship the spirit in spirit;
“3And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. 4Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. 6But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” - Matthew 18
man. Jesus sure as shit didn't like the satanic pedophiles.
And what is a child if not loving enough to open his heart and mind to others and possibility. And how could one possibly share in the oneness of heaven – where the first is the last and the last is the first, where – if one cannot love others and everything as himself. Its love that connects us, how can we love others if we are constantly thinking about ourselves, if we life is an individual experience. It would be difficult to experience anything beyond what we have restricted ourselves to by defining ourselves as ourselves and not ourself; by defining anything.
I promise I haven't been religiously attending any caocao ceremonies and hipster drum circles or anything.
I have been working on a cover letter, maybe not so much to get a job but to supplement this notion about loving being the unifying force, the attraction that bonds us together, keeping us in check and in balance and brings us to the stable, neutral state that all of life seems to find most desirable. One thing I found myself writing
“It is only from a humble desire for union can a journalist really begin to understand others and things beyond their own understanding and experience so that he or she can effectively communicate with others so as to facilitate more harmonious resolutions to such conflicts. For me, being a journalist means being an arbiter for truth.
Communications to me is something sacred. Cheesy sounding? Maybe. But when I think about the profession, the word: To commune; To express yourself; To want to be understood by understanding others so that you can more easily help them understand you; so that you can understand you; to want to understand others so that you can more easily understand you. Sharing your experience so that you and others can experience without experiencing; surrendering your perceptions – all of your life – to submit to truth, the state of being; to become a part of, and create, a greater life, a more perfect explanation and understanding of union, of the one, the one that we all inhabit. Its an intercourse of being that gives birth to a new mind; being born into a new world.”
needless to say, I didn't get the job. Haha. These people are looking to make some fucking money, not sit around a campfire and sing kumbayya.
Right now, after the release of the Planned Parenthood undercover videos revealing the selling of aborted baby parts, there are hearings going on as to the veracity of what the videos purported to reveal. And beyond some of the impudent remarks with respect to truth made denying of what is clearly going on with the selling of aborted baby parts, its the whole notion of abortion itself that has seemingly now become something that is just accepted and no longer something to be entertained for debate.
I heard people say that we don't live in a theocracy, and that we live in a land of laws. It would be imprudent and reckless at best, to say that laws aren't in some way influenced by some sort of theology, some sort of assumption about the nature of the world and existence, about the common ground that we cohabit; that laws didn't inherit their formation from the underpinnings of a deep philosophical and theological discourse about the nature of truth, about the concept of right and wrong.
To ignore this reality leaves the door open to interpretation, and the notion of interpretation implies the absence of the absolute.
...
I look at the world that we live in now, the world of men, It tries to tell me that this is the way of the world at large, it tries to convince me not to believe that it could be different that it couldn't change, that the world has to hate me... and that is just the way it has to be. But I think about the prophesy I was reading about in Matthew, when jesus foretold the end times.... the false profits and the wars and rumors of war, the famine the pestilence...
I look at our society today. Look at what these types of things have precipitated.... it has brought to the forefront the fundamental ideologies of human society that are in direct conflict with nature. Can we change?
….
Can I change...?
Sometimes when I think about how far society has gone, how 'taken' an entire nation, an entire generation is by institutionalized blasphemy, I'm comforted by how fast that society can return what is right no matter all of the naysayers who refuse to change, because people are naturally inclined to what is good no matter what these fucks try to say to the contrary.
...
I might just go send that cover letter, get that job, after all... it is a work, things take time...
Like the yin yang, things are in flux, are transformed..
but why not now? If not now when?
“9Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. 10And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. 11And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. 12And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. 13But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. 14And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.” - Matthew 24
Do I need to continue on in a lifestyle that is in contradiction to the truth, so that I can carry on the truth? So that all the world can hear the gospel that is the words that come out of my mouth when I talk? What a fucking ass hole I would have to be.
It is a sick game and I don't want to play anymore.
I mean I think about this abortion stuff.... Its almost sickening to see what we have become as a society. We have stigmatized new life, we have euphemistically and egotistically labeled it a women's right. Whats happening to us? We live in a theocracy, where the god that makes our laws is the god of self service. I watch these people cold heartedly try to purport to be the defenders of what is right as to equate women's health with the abortion of babies.
Women's right to be promiscuous and have no repercussions, men's right to go around boinking whoever the hell they feel like, and in a more pleasurable way; condoms don't feel as good.
Maybe we can get more government aid...
Look and see what we do to ourselves, what we call ourselves.
Mercy!
What happened to the concept of “making love.” What men have we raised to trivialize the sacredness of the sexual act. Have we debased ourselves to such a degree? Can I blame anyone? I cant hop on the internet without seeing some advertisement for whatever with some woman in a sexually proactive pose wearing just enough to avoid being pornography. A shaft needs a hole after all.
We have quantified the value of human life on a government budget balance sheet. IS that for my sake? So I can be who the fuck I am and start fucking savaging all these fucking psychos who don't have any respect for others' lives so why not their own? Maybe they are just a nice excuse for me to be a savage?
Where is the human aspect!? Have we lost what it means to be human on our holy crusade for humanity.
And we allow these perspectives to persist unchecked because they can be used to serve a purpose... because they can allow us to continue on in our self interest. Is it our choices that precipitated life as it is today? Do we gravitate to the illusion of choice because it is another indulgence of the ego? Are our choices even relevant? Would just another Hydrogen come along to bond to another oxygen if I didn't?
Does it even matter?!??!
….
I mean what the fuck is nature anyways? Aren't we nature, aren’t I the program? Aren't I the yin or the yang. Do my choices make a difference? Mustn’t a vacuum be filled? Is the ego a necessary precipitant.
look what I've done to myself..
This has been the systematic destruction of what many would say has amounted to my life.
Nahh...
Up until this point I have been feeling like I am living in a self imposed prison of inaction, of indifference.
Been scared to get on here and start exploring. Who knows? Maybe everything i've said is fucking nuts? But at least I can say I have endeavored to resolve the clearly dystopic reality that is human existence.
We talk about wanting to living in more harmonious ways with nature and all the “intelligencia” seems to consider is using economics and other more direct ways to curb population growth, rather than to change a lifestyle, a perception, a theology that is in direct contradiction with nature. Theocratic God forbid we do that. There is no such thing as a society that is not a theocracy. ….
Christ is a refuge, the truth that we return to, that we continue on in after this stage that is known as life. It is the true life. Christ is the truth. The truth is what enables us to surrender the concept that we aren't the end all of existence.
“here we go again.”
having christ be an external figure while also the sum being we are thus able to overcome the satanic notions of making our individual selves god and ….
“... and make zero fucking sense! quit trying to rationalize yourself into being christ you fucking moron! You are worse than those fucking flaka addicts they make youtube videos of. At least they were high on drugs when they thought they were jesus, when they thought they were god. What's your excuse?”
…..
I was talking to someone I know a few days before hand about my different experiences with meditation and prayer. I told him how sometimes when I find myself studying and practicing eastern practices and philosophies I find that it can often be very ego centric in practice, but that may also be because I am still a novice. I have been studying kung fu and tai chi, yoga and qi gong and becoming more attuned to the energy flow within my body, coaxing and manipulating the energy from within that I forget about the energy without. I told this guy how when I practice meditation I feel the energy and how it comes from below, from the base of my spine and how when I pray I often feel energy raining down over me from the top of my head. I found it interesting.
Because the act of prayer, the concept, is very selfless and humbling while sometimes I find meditation, in my practice, very egocentric and self absorbing as I tend to dwell on developing awareness of the energy within my body.. just putting that out there for whatever its worth. Its also interesting how these are contrasting to the respective capitalist and communist societies they are found in, and brings me back to the concept of the ever fluctuating chi energy described by Taoists and represented by the Yin Yang.
I remembered remembering talking to a girl about religion and she was saying that the closest thing she believes in to a religion is chaos. She went on to list all of the things that were beyond her control as an individual human being and that life was chaotic because things were beyond her control or her grasp of understanding. But I reassured her that there is no such thing as chaos, that all of life and existence is a very orderly and that what appears to be chaos is really just the ego explaining away the fact that there is something greater than it giving order to the world we experience. The sun shines, water evaporates, accumulates and condenses into rain. A tree grows from a seed, falls and dies and over time transforms into oil. As water moves out of a glass, air moves in.
And when I was talking to my friend I brought up how dejavu that I have experienced is weird because what does that say about me? About the choices I've made? I brought up how I had been wondering if, similar to the matrix, we are all just a bunch of programs that are a function of the various assumptions we make about the world.
The concept of free will is in direct contradiction to the idea of prophecy. Because if something is preordained how could there possibly be free will. But now I think how even a lion hunting for prey in the desert knows where there is water hole there is also prey who drink it. If there is a fertile land, with enough sunshine and water to nourish it, then plant life will grow, animals will be there to feed on the plants. Lions will be where there is prey for them to hunt.
Water will be where there is enough oxygen and hydrogen in the air and its not too hot and dry for it to stay condensed, in a more stable form. Some of the oxygen will combine with hydrogen to form water, because they have charges, and all of existence seeks a neutral, stable state.
I often think of the times I feel I go astray, then I think how terrible it is for me to say or think that I was ever apart. I think that is the only true choice that amounts to any significance.
I was talking with my friend about alchemy, about the history of Masonry and its inherited traditions from hermeticism, about symbolism. I told him about how I have been doing kung fu and studying tai chi and kung fu. We got to taking about dualist nature of the individual, the union of the masculine and feminine, the heaven and earth, about how kung fu is the marriage of that union with the mind and body, about how it is a practice to let go of the physical body and working with the natural structure of the body and greater nature as a whole to give chi direction and allow it to flow more freely throughout the body.
I told him about a video someone posted on youtube that was a sample from one of the philosopher Alan Watts' lectures about music and life. Trying to make more clear what I was talking about with kung fu and the principles of taoism and much of the parallels I found with christianity. Letting go of your self, forsaking your life so you can have life. How chi is the life force.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERbvKrH-GC4
I don't want to go through life fixated on what comes next. I want to be fulfilled, content. I want to dance.
But what is kung fu if not a dance? What is this life if not a learning how to dance, how to lead and how to follow, how to perform the right notes in the correct sequence...
How to make fucking war!
….
When things don't seem clear; when we can be humble enough to admit doubt. Truth. As we try and bring some semblance of order to this seemingly chaotic world we can easily lose sight of what is truth, as to what is the right course of action.
Sometimes I think about our society.... these selfish people trying to burn this mother down... because they might get busted for pedophilia... because their precious illusion is so important..... all that amtters is their own fucking hide... I thought about myself... not backing down and in turn being one of the people driving these people to their madness.... maybe I'm just as responsible....maybe this place needs to be burned down. I would rather this shit be burned down then let them continue torturing people, children, molesting them... than let them get their institutionalized global torture scheme, outright slavery... authoritarian bull shit.... then let people like Hillary clinton get away with serial murder. Does that make me wrong?
I wonder why Nero burned Rome. But in reality, looking at our society, I think I know the reason why. He just acted on a inkling he had, which was probably much more than an inkling. He probably didn't see any other way.
Thinking about my own life... how I often feel like I am just stuck,... almost as if I have no choice... like these fucking jihadis, these fucking communist creatures sent to converge on the one thing keeping this world from falling into outright savagery by these people who artificially created the problem so they could brag to their friends about their latest estate in the hamptons or the taste of a nice hatian child.... who have been indoctrinated, brainwashed, brown stoned, gas-lighted... whatever... these people.... I can see how they felt like they may have had no choice.... I don't want to go into the military, I don't want to have to kill someone. I don't want to. I don't want to put myself in a position where its me or him, him who very likely could have been someone facing down Isis who essentially conscripts people into fighting for them with hardcore indoctrination, exploiting their loved ones, kills anyone who doesn’t fight for them...
Maybe i'm the gaslit slave...
Nah... I know the truth... I have seen it...
….
Me, fighting against this force that is a threat to all light in the world, everything that's good and right.. I don't want to go into a position where I become someone who is the offensive force, a perceived, unwelcome liberator. I want to defend myself and others... and even if I did, for what? Who am I kidding? The health insurance and student loan repayments sound pretty good its a nice alternative to working at restaurants getting treated like shit by the people you work with, for, and serve.
This world... is it worth saving? These people... running about the costco center along their society … I these menacing, hateful people who don't even appreciate shit, so quick to condemn anyone who has a different perspective, condemn the slightest threat to their perspective, to literally condemn anyone who threatens their precious illusion.
These fuckers are suicidal, but am I so different? I am essentially begging people to come kill me. I am seriously contemplating joining the military, an institution that's very existence seems to propagate the dilemma that vexes human society. The arms race for defense that is offensive to others and makes them defensive and consequently makes them seem offensive to the ones they're defensive about.....
“hhhhhhhhhhh”
AS I walked out of costco just feeling sick with this system that has evolved into people going to stores like this.... the world going to shit kind of like the carts littered in the middle of the parking lot... people can't walk their fucking carts back to the spot where carts go.. they just leave in the middle of the fucking driving lanes through the parking lot... Costco has 1 guy walking around picking this shit up but seriously... there is not even the slightest hint of social obligation with these fucks.... everybody getting theirs, walking over other people on their way... its the fucking American way after a;;.... at least that's what we've been made to think, and people believe it. People want to bitch about why the world is going to shit, why food prices are so high, why wages are so low when the fucking grocery stores are going out of business because they have to hire 10 fucking people to put the carts back in their slots, because the entitled, high horse riding putzes can go on their ski trips in Colorado and to the Bahamas while they bitch about carbon emissions and why we as a society need to be more giving.
I went to staples the other day and pulled into the parking lot and parked next to this new honda accord that looked as though it was a premium accord, with all the bells and whistles, even aftermarket modifications, this deep blue paint job that looked nice, and I wouldn't have been as upset at this person having this car but I was enraged at this “blessed” decal on the window.
What the fuck?
Why is that a thing? “#blessed” Yeah blessed to be a selfish prick and have no remorse about being a prick and rubbing it in other peoples faces how much of a selfish prick you are.
I'm such a fucking hypocrite and it pisses me off. I want to be #blessed. Sometimes I think I am blessed, for being able to recognize shit for what it is, for what I think is a closer relationship with god or for less annoying things like not living in a place where bombs could be dropped at any time, having food and a place to sleep. Sometimes I see these people walking around with their cross proudly hanging about their neck outside their shirt and say to myself, what a fucking ass hole. This guy just wants in to a network of people by proudly parading that shit around. But then I wonder “maybe he is just doing him and trying to let people know how much christ has done for him like the bruins did for joe shmo alcoholic who lives to watch people beat each other and wears his hat so he can connect with like minded people. Maybe he wears his bruins hat so he let people know how great watching people get wrecked is!”
I just put a 'jesus saves' bumper sticker on my car and immediately I could here all the people driving behind me cursing me out for similar aforementioned reasons.
..
I'll never forget when I was waiting tables at this steakhouse and the owner found out that I was a vegetarian and the owner was stunned that I would come to work at a steak house, even going so far as to call me a hypocrite in this big meeting with all the staff. I was pissed, this guy has no fucking clue. This fucking millionaire bitching at me about my choice of occupation . I mean fuck it. If I'm already a hypocrite might as well embrace it, fucking cut loose, let's start the fucking slaughter. Whose head can I lop off? Who can I walk over?
“The sacrifice, the offering. It's only natural after all. Things must die to make way for the new.”
You're fucking sick. “But Jesus...”
Just shut the fuck up you don't know what the fuck you are talking about. It's not the same...
..
They have no concept of what made America the land of opportunity and it wasn't the fact that Americans stealing shit, it wasn't the fact that there were a bunch of christian lemmings waiting to be the shown the way... to their checkbooks. I'm just so sick of the typical commie bullshit. I'm so sick of this senseless pride people have in meaningless rituals they associate with their “culture;” How people come to the most welcoming country in the world and instantly try to fucking berate the people who've been there or who believe in their heart what they know is the truth, no matter how much propaganda is fucking shoved down their throat; people who understand that people worked hard through generations to be in the positions they are, to build what the people enjoy today. It's beyond the fucking buildings. I'm sick of the people who are there who don't appreciate that struggle and go around with their entitled bull shit and think that bite the fucking hand that feeds them, unseat the established order so they can do the same fucking thing they suggest other people are doing. These fucking satanic monsters, these absolute petty children throwing tantrums because of their dissatisfaction with the human 'condition' their biological limitations, because of their self imposed mental restrictions.
I remember in my martial arts class, we share a gym with other schools and its a pretty tight space and one of the classes set up a 'alter' at the outskirts of their space, and navigating through the various spaces on the way to the bathroom in such a way so as to avoid interfering with other people's practicing I inadvertently walked in front of the alter. Little did I know that this was disrespectful in their culture, as a Chinese American fellow student alerted me to which I acknowledged and tried to be as respectful from that point on.
Oops. “Now I know” I thought to myself.
But what about my culture? Oh, that's right. I forgot. Because I'm an American with white skin I don't have a culture. Americans don't have a culture. All of these people come to this country and don't recognize what this country represents.
“America was built on the backs of slaves! You racist! You fascist!”
That same fellow student who alerted me later, when we went out to lunch, proceeded to make a joke out of the crucifixion of Jesus and the martial arts spear that pierced his side on the cross while we ate lunch. I laughed a little. It was a little funny. But I feel bad about it now. One girl who was there, seemed a bit sensitive to the joke as she looked at me searching to see if it was ok, if I was ok. I felt bad for her and also glad for her, that she was sensitive to that kind of thing.
What do I do it for?
Why am I writing this....?
Do I want everyone to be as miserable as me? Am I just like the pedophiles who raise up their children to be pedophiles; attempting to inflict the same torment that was inflicted on me onto others; Do I want to carry on the sick legacy?
Why?
So I can be the punchline in a sick joke? So some ignoramus can walk right by me and not even recognize the significance of anything. I mean every day I eat something without realizing the enormous chain of events that conspired to bring what I just ate into fruition.
Why have I literally spent thousands of dollars collecting books and music and movies? To preserve knowledge? To preserve wisdom? I don't even have any kids. HaHa. No one fucking cares anyways. I go out on St Patricks day, the day the snakes were driven out of Ireland, evacuation day: the day the british evacuated from Massachusetts. For what? For people to go out and get shitfaced and make a fool of themselves?
“Relax. You're so uptight. Let go. It's trendy you know. Nothing even matters.”
…..
Sometimes I wonder if the best thing to do is nothing. Maybe those monks had it right. Just fucking shut your mouth and watch, observe and listen...
“while I go to fucking work...”
I am a fucking human being. I am not some fucking tree destined to fucking sit there. I move. I build shit. I kill...
….
“now now, the lord doth command ye not to kill”
while these fucks go about raping and pillaging, and murdering!!
“Fucking chill bro... they aren't raping and pillaging you are they?” well not yet...
Fuckers would rather come to a country and impose their will on other people, not share in a free society.... psychopaths.... it's Kill or be killed. Survival of the fittest. War.
America the secular, Christian nation... the religion that is absolutely founded on tried and true philosophical principles consistent with the constitution and a free society...
“well if christians can worship why can't I worship? I want to worship when I want. It's my reoigion. Freedom of religion remember?” dumb ass
… There is something wrong with me... it's the only explanation as to why I am where I am... because some time back when I was younger something made me look at shit all dismal... I decided to look at shit I guess. I bit the apple, didn't I.
All I can say is I did not know what the fuck I was eating.... God didn't explicitly say “don't eat this” like he did in the garden to Adam and Eve. I mean, I started off thinking I can make a difference, help be a force for good in the world, for truth. I guess I didn't realize how far gone the world was, how irrelevant I am.
My lower back has been hurting me from sitting at the computer working on shit and I was just walking around in the grocery store looking at different food, trying to pick something out to eat that wasn't going to poison me because that's what goes through my mind. I can't go eat something without wondering well what is going to kill me the least: all these plastic wrapped, frozen food, packaged shit covered in pesticides because now even the fucking organic sign doesn't mean organic because there would just be no fucking food so why the fuck not. People gotta eat. They cant stay at home and grow their own food because that doesn't make money to pay their fucking taxes, their fucking bills, that doesn't make them go work a job that they don't only not like, but destroys their fucking soul while simultaneously adding to the cancerous lifestyle that rips apart their bodies and families, all so some rich fuck can leverage more resources to realize some psychotic aspiration.
I can't enjoy food anymore.
AS I rubbed my lower back in the store I felt a little bump and wondered if this bump was some kind of cyst or tumor from something else I've consumed. Maybe it was the BPA lined plastic bottles I drink my water out of so I can avoid drinking the tap water that is filled with bunch of fluoride.
Maybe its just a bone out of whack. Maybe all of this interconnected interdependence is needed to have the infrastructure that sustains the lives of others and I am just being a selfish ass hole.
I looked across a few registers as I was checking out this guy smiling having a great time doing his job, people aren't talking about blowing up the world, its just the same day for him. There is nothing new under the sun, people been talking about nuking the world for years; people aren't suffering immensely because of various things, they aren't talking about invading Syria where Christians aren't being slaughtered in mass genocide , the only stronghold against the Isis incursion in the middle east barring them as a wedge from going into turkey and Europe, jihadis aren't already taking over all of Europe; instituting their own parallel systems of justice under shariah ina fucked up evil alliance with the fucking nazis that have been running corporate america for the past few decades.
Maybe I am just some idiot been brainwashed by wikipedia and crazy conspiracy theorists online, maybe the videos ive seen of first hand people recording shit was all just taken out of context. I need someone to give me the context. Give me the context..
I mean maybe its necessary. For fucks sake, sometimes I wonder if the only thing keeping people from eating each other is either the availability of being able to shove something else down their gullets or the prospect of jail time or other repercussions, or all of that combined. Shit, I mean even that still isn't enough to deter people from cannibalism.
I just watched this video of people trying to run into traffic to kill themselves or to just fake an accident so that they could get money or something. I tend to think its the former more so. But this video was a compilation of dash-cam footage of a bunch of suicidal people, and I thought to myself while watching it “can I blame them?” Look what life has become. I'd rather risk the possibility of nomadic barbarian raiders than be shoved in a little fucking box for days, funneled onto packed trains to and fro, the lifeless mob walking around in their trance in their illusion.
I remember telling my mom, after she made a comment about how she was talking with her brother about the potential false flag attack that was the Syrian chemical attack that was used as justification of reversal of a stance by the Trump administration on Syria and Regime change and he thinks that if you see a conspiracy in one thing you see it in everything, I remember telling her “some people will literally fight for their illusion, their status quo. Some people want to be able to eat the cupcake without having think about all the carcinogens they are ingesting while doing so. Shit, I mean I still want that I feel like.
I get on about how fucked these pedos are and what not, looking further into things and revealing more and more and my mom frequently tries to tell me to just let it go, its bothering you, but to be honest I was already bothered obviously; by the fucking charade of it all. Something was fucking eating away at me. All this pomp and ceremony.
“I just want you to be happy”
“I wasn't happy before I endeavored to find out about this shit so what makes you think I can be happy if I continued to ignore it?”
Its like she is telling me I am not happy, but I am fucking happy. I am contented knowing that I will die fighting these fucks, whether its revealing the truth or just slaughtering the fucking psychopaths hell bent on exerting their “will.”
I am happy...
“Reality is what we make it” is the most fucking arrogant, enraging hippie line I hear from these fantasy loving....
…..
maybe they are just doing them and trying to keep things simple, confronting whats in front of them. I tend to think it's more to do that they are all fucking scared.
I'm happy when I'm wandering through the woods smelling the fresh air, listening to the birds chirp in the morning watching them fly about, i'm happy listening to the crickets creek in the evenings enjoying the morning light, watching the colors of the sun set streak across the sky, feeling other people feel me...
I love the soft sound of the wind chimes softly clanging in a gentle breeze in the distance....
...
But this just won't do for some people. I can't be happy because they cant let other people alone. These fucking psychopaths can't be happy unless they are making other people unhappy, these sado masochists need to feel and inflict pain. I can go either way so I guess I must oblige. Maybe its the sado masochist in me.
It would be nice to not have to care about anything I admit. There is no going back for me now though, after having confirmed the reality, the stark, dark reality that exists in the underbelly of our society; of our global society. The human trafficking ring run through Korea, China and the UN, the ritual sacrifice, the cannibalism, the torture of children so that they can indoctrinate ….
There is no going back after finding that shit out. It's the Pandora's box. My destiny is sealed. I am going to die fighting this fucking shit. Whether it's in a desert fighting the fucking neolithic islamists cutting off hands, throwing gays off buildings, enslaving people for their sick pleasure or the fucking satanic goat fuckers playing in their cool after school clubs where they play pretend, hide and seek and other 'fun' games; where they indoctrinate and pollute and confuse love.
They don't know what fucking love is. Love is the merciful death that must invariably be brought to these perverted fucks who make the willful decision to refuse to change. They are like a fucking junkie too far gone, as soon as they get any sense of freedom they go right back at it. I think I can speak for the majority of humanity and now say that an unstoppable force is about to meet an immobile object, or an object that refuses to fucking move I should say, and hence the force.
The fucking conflict... the war....
Maybe they are right...
Maybe it is inevitable...
maybe it is all inevitable....
This march of civilization....
One action precipitating another and so on and so forth, enslaving us all...
Who can I blame for this? Jesus and god seem to be the pretty obvious answer. I mean if Jesus knew if it was all ordained what choice is there? Obviously there isn't a fucking choice. There's no choice. Like the matrix movie line: “The illusion of choice” Maybe I need to be a blaspheme like Jesus and make myself God to have the choice. Maybe I should go hang out with the “do what thou wilt” feces throwing crowd. Hey its all God's will, right? God allowed it! Drinking the blood of some freshly slaughtered humans sounds like it would be a fucking raging good time....
It obviously doesn't hold much water, that whole logic taken to any extent isn't very consistent.
But I will give new meaning to the term Islam. I will fucking show people what it means to submit.
....
“....Now I am become death the destroyer of worlds....”
….
Sometimes I wonder if we deserve to be wiped off the fucking map. I fear I am being turned into Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7. But would it be any different. Inevitably we would come to the same point. The war would bring it about either way; we are inexorably bound by it. Getting rid of my “wisdom” my knowledge. It wouldn't make much sense because eventually it would arrive at the same point. Man kind would ultimately come to.
Is it one big circle? Is it like the matrix, where the matrix has been redone multiple times? Good doesn't need bad. Truth doesn't need perception.
….
Life is just a constant war. I want peace. Is there ever any peace? It would seem not. Peace for one can and will only be peace for all: Every single living soul. While the lions roam about the the darkness waiting to pounce … can I be at peace? I better be fucking alert and non peaceful so I can react to put that cat down should he decide to pounce I can be at peace then can I? The hyena are chomping at the bit...
Maybe it is only in death, because even if I was the only living human being on earth, I have to wander about the earth wondering when the environmental attack, a hurricane, the next deluge or are these things directly related to my own state....
it's an inevitability. War. Why am I going to war with war; something that is apparently a built in function of nature. Shouldn't I just fucking accept that I am going to be a ravenous destroyer of worlds; a merciless savage ravaging and slaughtering these sickos until my last breath? Maybe thats the only time I can find any peace because living in this fucking sick 'civilized' world we call home is the most unsettling experience any sober mind could imagine.
THIS SHIT IS FUCKING NUTS!!!
….
I know I am gonna need to eat something later to have energy to do some physical training. Not because I'm hungry or because the prospect of eating it is fucking pleasing, because I am salivating...
….
but because I need to train, to make war...
….
I got this book the other day, by Greg Braden. I was flipping through it and just happened to stop on a page that cited the bible passage foretelling of the coming of Jesus.
“4And he shall judge among the nations, and shall rebuke many people: and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more. 5O house of Jacob, come ye, and let us walk in the light of the LORD.” - Isaiah 2
This after having just wrote what I just did.
These people wont fucking stop so I cannot stop. Tell me how then can there ever be peace. Tell me!
….
Sometimes I flirt with the idea of heaven, or not even that. Just some place where people could all chill and be at peace. Not have to worry about fucking dominating other people. Go out into a bountiful garden and have a smorgasbord of fruit and vegetables to pick from. Never have to worry about natural disasters, predators or whatever else. A place that was just for us, so to speak. I'd prolly be a misanthrope there too. Because knowing that it was a place, and that it was just for us, means that there are other places where the battle rages on for the people who this place wasn't for. That would put me at unease.
Its fucking all or nothing. Fucking none or one. America or bust. Ad infinitum.
…..
I tend to think Jesus would approve.
I was watching the Assasins Creed movie the other day. These two people who were supposedly in love preparing to die for the creed, but what is the creed? Some organization? Or a set of principles? I could see that being love. I'm not talking about fealty to the creed the institution but the principles. That could be a reasonable explanation for the thing that has confounded philosophers for lifetimes. But I don't think that entails fucking bowing down to some fucking lunatic.
“Everything is permissible. Nothing is true. Your blood is not your own.” what the fuck kind of creed is that?
I was looking at some of the emails from Marina Amramovic to Tony Podesta signed “with love.” I can see them actually believing some even more perverted sense of love and indoctrinating themselves. Like a bunch of selfish misfits creating this fucking dumb idea of surrogate family as if its somehow different from the harsh world where people “don't care” but watch, if you put the kind of pressure they put on others they are much worse than those they criticize. Thats their creed.
I remember when I was trying to convince my brother in law to come to a martial arts class with me. He said he doesn't want to fight in his stuttered spanish accent. “Sometimes you don't get to choose.”
I could see what he means though. I don't want to practice something as if thats what I want. Like the saying goes “be careful what you get good at.” Sometimes I worry if by getting a gun I am going to set forth some other things into motion. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to seek out situations that put me in violence, but I also feel as though sometimes life doesn't give a fuck. Obviously. Like this easter massacre guy who just went up to some random dude and shot him in the face. These fucking muslims intimidating christians; chopping off priests heads or whatever other fucked up shit.
I'm not gonna be the guy that just sits by whilst fucking tyrants run about; i'm not gonna make myself or other easy prey for the fucking psychopaths. I was in the grocery store and this magazine display.... the propaganda is getting absolutely absurd and the shit is coming to a head.; the pot is about boil over; im not gonna entertain these fucking demons from hell who sit there reveling in cracking their whip “i need you to move faster, I need to suck more life out of you, you aren’t giving me enough, I need more more, more.
I remember on my last night at work, this new manager comes up to me and I get creepy vibes galore and the entire first shift he gave this preshift that amounted to stand up about how much he loathes the general people who come to eat. “Now I know that the average person doesn't necessarily feel this way” he would say when he realized he might be revealing too much as far his thoughts about “how they don't care about you,” whilst he was trying to trick us into being over the top hospitable to the misanthropes who come in to eat.
“Make it a game” he would say, explaining how he loves being an over the top hospitable ass hole to pricks who come out to eat.
I don't want to be fake. I want to believe that people fucking care and not just bs my way through everything.
That night I got sat by the hostess 5 times instantly. IT was a shit show. And everyone could clearly see what was happening. But still. They didn’t wait for me to come over and get to them and do my job. They insisted on calling me over this way in that, cutting in line. Who could be the bigger ass hole. I asked this guy for help and of course he neglected to come help for a little. And when he finally came over I was already fucking just fucking going over in my head his fucking speech surreptitiously designed to make people into the most fake, pessimistic, loathsome people.
He comes over and asks me what I need, whilst I'm having a fucking melt down: these fucking ungrateful fucks coming out to eat, these fucking satanic mother fuckers I work with who relish inflicting pain. I am confronted with completely propagandized people who are just go around spreading the disinformation about how anybody who supports trump is a racist idiot or whatever other dumb shit whilst the fucking murdering psychopaths prance about thinking they are the best thing since sliced bread. For example, having their kicks telling these fucking satanic dead baby jokes to fuck with me.
“What’s the difference between a baby and a pizza? A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.”
“What is the difference between a baby and a onion? No one cries when you chop up the baby.”
“What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz? Twins in an acid bath.”
“What’s the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup? The dead baby won’t stick to the roof of your mouth.”
I got a good one. Whats the best thing since sliced bread? A sliced psycopathic, murderous satanic child rapist.
This is what I mean.... they are making me a fucking monster, attacking my most fundamental assumptions, my source code. I just want to leave them to their own murderous illusion and let them start eating each other. Watch their 'family' fucking claw each other to death.
But this guy... all of this shit going through my head and he finally comes over and asks me what do I need and there are so many fucking things I need at this point I cant even articulate one thing its almost better for him to just do shit that he can deduce... Its my fucking last day! I didn't want to be there anyways. “I just want to leave” I said trying to find some redeemable fucking thing for these ass holes, some reason why I am still fucking fighting for these fucks who look for every fucking opportunity to fucking give me whatever jabs, whatever lashes they can. He robotically placed his hand on my back in an attempt to try appear as though he cared all of a sudden, about someone he thinks cares nothing about him.
….
This is about where i'm at...
I just want to fucking leave....
I am practically begging these fucking satanic pussies on a fucking power trip to come at me.
A couple of weeks ago, on my birthday, my Mom tells me 29 years ago she was getting ready to go into the hospital to have me delivered.
“kind of makes it less monumental doesn’t it, when it's planned?” I joked, then glancing down looking at the nativity scene that my mom had bought back from her sisters, “Then again, he was planned too so I could be wrong.”
Of course my mom, who is the one constantly fucking with me saying stuff like “you are a lot like jesus” decides to take the opposite route and say “every birth is miraculous,” almost so as to say that my birth was as miraculous as Jesus' or, what I think, she actually believes that I equate myself with Jesus and she was trying to keep my vanity in check....
This fucking life is a indeed a fucking death trap, I am convinced.
After seeing that my moms nativity seen was missing a a wise man I went online to look for a similar replacement. Low and behold I came across this painting that really stuck out. It was probably showing up in the suggestions because I was looking at a book that was accidentally delivered in the past ,“the daily stoic.” It was delivered in stead of 'letters from father christmas.' but it turned out to be another kind of letter, as this delivery prompted a search for various philosophical works by plato and socrates and Aristotle.
This interest is what prompted the painting to show up in the suggestions. It was a painting of the death of socrates. It really cemented in my mind what I had been thinking life for people like me ultimately comes to: death for the creed.