And so it burns...
Yours. Truly. | Tuesday, April 14, 2015 -- 11:03 PM EDT
Outlaw thug niggas.. Never left the boot camp.. Man to man.. I'm facing the devil with a plan.. Judo stance..First glance.. I'm making my advance.. Animal instincts.. Intelligence of an assassin.. Mask my ninja style.. Surround me ready to attack.. I react swiftly.. What father taught me sticks with me.. Never forget the methods stick and move strictly.. Shit be seeming like its closing in.. With no regrets I hold position.. Cause I circles.. I'm one of the chosen men..
Well... today is monday.. I got the site up and all the previous entries up and I am back to writing. Its been probably a week. A lot can happen in a week. A lot can happen in an instant. To be honest I dont really feel like writing anything. There were times in the past few days where I did, and had some good stuff to share but will likely forget a lot of what I wanted to share.
That is why I am writing right now. To hopefully get at it before it drifts away. Maybe it drifts away because it doesn't really matter..
“Gimme the people, free my sole... I wanna get lost in your rock n' rollllll and drift away...”
I won't be doing this for long might as well give it to you while I got it.
I got up this morning and randomly messaged people on my game friends list to share the site.
I thought about going back over everything... editing stuff that maybe I didn't like but whatever. I can honestly say, as I was skimming over what I have written so far there was some stuff that I question. But maybe thats why its there... and thats why I left it.
I was watching the reaction to Rand Paul's announcement to campaign for president this past week and one lady interviewed him and accused him of being a flip flopper and cited stuff he had said back in 1995 or some shit, which contradicts what he is saying now, brought up stuff about Iran too. She was in attack dog mode, not realizing the folly of her ways. She wanted to get emotional, no she was emotional, and it didn't allow her to see things for what they are, she had a mission to get a few quotes that could be taken out of context and what not, so that he could be slandered later.
I wonder if the same will happen to me with this..
After the woman was done with her tirade, Paul tried to respond. When she finally let him, he kindly pointed out the fact that situations change.
People change...
He neglected the latter truth.. he was afraid to admit it, that it might be seen as a weakness, to give her what she wanted....
Are we too proud to admit we might have been wrong? There is always some reason... reason not to...
Truth...
I thought about my manager about trying to reason with him and let him know about his approach. He is an older guy, over 50. He played on a basketball team with me, and I think he is a nice guy. I like him. He has a very militaristic approach to things and he gets intense some times. I heard him talking with one of his corporate coworkers. He said something to him when he pulled him aside to suggest something about whatever aspect of the restaurant's operations. When they walked by me he said “i love hearing your opinion” kind of sarcastically.
I thought about the Nazi's or other things in my life, society as a whole.
I thought how stubborn he is being, that he is just old; set in his ways. After all, if I know what I was doing was right yet everyone around me was telling me I was doing something wrong, its either extremely admirable – that sense of conviction, that sense of truth – or just your run of the mill folly.
I see a lot of myself in him, and I worry... am I being stubborn? Am I turning my back on truth?
While I don't necessary condemn living in cities, I just know that the lack of independence that city living creates allows for people to use that as leverage, and manipulate that for their own purposes. City lifestyles also afford specialization, allows people to develop, to discover, to explore things that they might not have otherwise been able to explore had they been more independent, focused on day to day stuff: growing their own food, getting their own drinking water.
City living promotes a sense of community, that we are in it together, but I also feel that the city community can detract from a bigger sense of community: communion with the earth, the universe.
The same can go for people to focused on the greater community, that they neglect the community right in front of them. I mean right now there is a serious effort to depopulate the planet because they see the human population as unsustainable. Its like we are on the Snowpiercer and there is an elite group of people using wars, scientific advancements, financial market manipulation and food shortages to control populations.
This is getting to heady right now... I gotta take it back. After all I am not ready for that shit right now. All I really want to do is watch the first episode of game of thrones' new season that I missed last night while at work.
While I loathe doing this because I know for a lot of people, the sources wont make a difference. Fuck it no I wont include... no.. I will...
Maybe some day someone completely ignorant to the machinations of human societies, I will try to give you a head start.
I just checked to see if anyone posted on the forum yet... no... I just googled my website to see if it would pop up any where: “truth oppression” yielded nothing. I tried that as one word; still nothing. I tried googling “truthoppression.org” and got nothing. I paid for search engine visibility. So much for that.
Alright new day... I got sidetracked figuring out some site stuff and doing some other stuff on a steam communty group page I started called “Unus Amore Verite” maybe it was more important to do that yesterday than continue writing on here. Anyways..
What I wrote yesterday was a start of a discussion on my group's forum. There are 5 other members.. and the other five likely just joined it cus they knew me before hand and decided to be nice and accept my invite to join.
It says this on the page that describes the group: be to God Seek truth, love everything, honor God
"25At that time Jesus answered and said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. 26Even so, Father: for so it seemed good in thy sight. 27All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him.
28Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
- Matthew 11
"1There was a man of the Pharisees, named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews: 2The same came to Jesus by night, and said unto him, Rabbi, we know that thou art a teacher come from God: for no man can do these miracles that thou doest, except God be with him. 3Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.
4Nicodemus saith unto him, How can a man be born when he is old? can he enter the second time into his mother's womb, and be born? 5Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. 6That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. 7Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again. 8The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit....
16For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 17For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. 18He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. 19And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. 20For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. 21But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God."
- John 3
“34And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. 35For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it.”
- Mark 8
And thats all it says in the about area. The group's tag is “I<3^”. The group's picture is a painting of Jesus on his knees praying.
It had been like this for a few months since I started it, and I felt the urge to get something going on it because no new members had joined. So I spent yesterday doing a bunch of stuff for that after I finished fixing the site. The first thing I did was announce the site on the group's announcements. Then I announced something else... a Love celebration:
“Love Event
This is an announcement for an event for love. It will take place physically at the Dave Matthews Band concert at Saratoga Performing Arts Center in upstate New York on July 3rd and 4th.
This is just a physical demonstration, feel free to declare this in your heart at any point. ; D”
Then I started this discussion on the group forum:
“Unus Amore Verite Origins, Hate in online Gaming, and an Issuance of a Challenge
'So this group has been made, yet not really active. While I think just being a member of this group is statement enough, to ourselves and others, I just wanted to try and get somthing going for this group, get some discussion going, because somtimes the discussion I have within myself, or even in the world with others, is limited; limited by social norms and my own inability to break through the social boundaries of my own ego and initiate a conversation of any meaning or quality. If i know thats true for myself, than I know its true for others as well.
The reason why I created this group was because I found God, and I wanted to do that for other people. I think that may be why I am still here, the reason God may still have use for me.
Because I look at the youth today, and I see myself when I was a little younger. I look back and i wish that I had gotten on the train a little bit sooner, what more I may have accomplished for the glory of God. I am 27 now, but still, video games were a part of my generation. Its not like it was for 27 year olds 10 years ago.
But when I was a young gamer I was jaded in all things concerning God; Jaded by religion, what i was taught in school about religion and consequently associated religion with God. I was raised catholic, and I saw all sorts of hypocricies of the catholic church and what not so i consequently never really sought God, I never really tried to listen for God.
I was hard pressed to come accross anyone in the gaming community that tried to help me listen; that tried to open me eyes to help me see. I created this group because I wanted this group to help to do that for people in the venue of the online gaming community.
Somtimes I play online and invariably I am met with some person that decides they want to just hate on me because maybe I am not playing well or maybe for no good reason. Cyber bullying.
I know i shouldnt let it bother me, as a matter of fact this is the challenge for me in online gaming. This is why I play now. I want to take the abuse and not hate them in return for the lashing out. I want to not get upset at their ignorance and feed into the cycle of hate, but often I find myself dragged into it.
I grew up as a gamer, and I often used games as an escape from the real world, because in the real world I was sad, I was depressed. I wanted to reach out to a world beyond my physical bounds, a world that might accept me. I think about how these young people, how alone they feel at times: their parent absent or present but not there for them, friends nowhere to be found, noone there to reach out to them everybody bound by some social barrier. Alone, they turn to the internet, they reach out trying to grab onto somthing, someone, yet what they are met with hate, just more of the same world that wants nothing to do with them.
We hear about people killing themselves, and like to blame some drugs or the parents, but its really a shared responsibility.
I know there is always the mute option to stop it, but in life somtimes there is no mute button.
I think about Jesus, how he was able to love the people, and devote his entire life to the people that he knew would taunt him, torture him, hate him, despise him, and ultimatly kill him; how in his last moment, in the climax of all of that persecution, still he loved them; still he asked for them to be forgiven.
Here I am struggling to keep my cool from some young punk on an online video game calling me "baddie" or a "newb."
So to get back to the point of this, I created this group because I wanted to help people to grab hold of something when they reach out into the darkness. We always look to other people to help us up, but when there is noone there for us, to distract us from the darkness all around us, we feel lost. I want them to know the truth when they inevitably find themselves in that situation. I created this because I wanted to help people to realize that they are never alone, that they are loved. I want to help people to realize how that love is real, and not a figment of imagination. And I wanted to help to do that in the online gaming community.
So long story short, I'd ask that anyone who has found themself here reading this maybe do the same for your own community, for the venue of your life. Maybe you are here trying to get answers for yourself and thats fine too. I have a blog up chronicling my own struggles, because we are all in the same boat. But what I would ask you to do is search your feelings, you know God is true and I'd ask you to share somthing no matter how small, that you have done to the Glory of God, the one who sent you.
Maybe we just discuss how we could further reach people in the gaming community without coming off as a "brainwashed fanatic" or "arrogant dickhead," because that is a struggle for me. Maybe you start your own group on here, or a community on another gaming platform. I dont really know.. just throwing out some ideas. That's what this post is about kicking around ideas.'
Then I started other discussions:
1. Issues of Faith Just wanted to create a discussion where we could discuss issues we are having with our own faith, because if we are having them, than others likely are too.
2. Words of Wisdom Just creating a discussion where we could offer out any words of wisdom that might help to give us perspective and guidance in our life; maybe some quote from the Bible or some philosopher or whatever. Doesn't matter where its from. I just ask that you share your own insight of the quote, your own interpretation and maybe how you see it in your own life.
Debate is welcomed. Don't hesitate to share the truth. Try and be kind in disagreements and not to be defensive to any challenges of your own perception. Dialogue is something to be encouraged.
3. Life Experiences and Revelations of Faith This is a discussion where people can discuss things that have happened in their own lives that sparked a realization about your faith.
4. Movies, Music and Art That Inspires Worship Creating a disucssion where we can share with others art and music that has revealed greater truths about God, and reaffirmed your faith. They don't necesarilly have to be explicit "worship" works of art so don't feel restricted.
I posted a response to my own discussion for “Words of Wisdom”:
'Here I am having my own conversation, but frankly i dont currrrrrr. One quote from the bible I really like is from Isaiah 40:6. "The voice said, 'Cry.' And he said, 'What shall I cry?' All flesh is grass, and all the goodliness thereof is as the flower of the field: The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: because the spirit of the LORD bloweth upon it: surely the people is grass. The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the word of our God shall stand for ever."
This reminds me how trivial my own problems are and that they only distract me from loveing Gods love for me, which is exemplified not only by sending his Son but in the quote from Matthew 6.
"25Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? 26Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? 27Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? 28And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: 29And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."
One quote I like is what someone I work with told me, its not from the bible and i can't say if he was teh first to say it, but the real credit for the quote goes to god because all things come from him, at least thats how i Have come to see things.
"The truth doesn't hurt, it's the lies you told yourself before that do that."
To me that quote just speaks volumes about how our egos are constantly working, getting us to dwell on ourselves, to identify ourselves with our physical bodies and what serves its own interests, which will ultiamtly amount to nothing, as explained by the quote about grass. And when we realize the truth, about the illusory nature of "ourselves" that we are tricked into identifying as the ego, we associate the discomfort with the truth but the truth is really just saving us from our own demise.'
I also posted a response to the “Movies, Music and Art That Inspires Worship” discussion:
'Here is some stuff that have inspired me:
Fernando Ortega – The Shadow of Your Wings: Hymns and Sacred Songs
Agnes Obel – Aventine 
Elevation Worship – Only King Forever
Elevation Worship – Nothing is Wasted
Leeland – Great Awakening
Leeland – Love is on the Move
Audrey Assad – The House You're Building
Audrey Assad – Heart 
Audrey Assad – Fortunate Fall
Ellie Hollocomb – As Sure as the Sun 
Phil Wickham – The Ascension
Tenth Avenue North – The Struggle
Tenth Avenue North – Cathedrals
I Am They – I Am They
Dave Matthews Band – Away from the World
Eric Whitacre – Waternight 
Eric Whitacre – Light & Gold
Charles Bruffy: Phoenix Chorale – Gjeilo: Northern Lights 
Stephen Layton: Choir of Trinity College Cambridge – Beyond All Mortal Dreams: American A Capella
Thrice – Alchemy Index
Estas Tonne – Internal Flight
Barnaby Bright – The Longest Day
Elephant Revival – These Changing Skies
Mandolin Orange – This Side of Jordan
Red Tail Ring – Middlewest Chant
2pac – All Eyez on Me
Immortal Technique – The Martyr
John Butler Trio – April Uprising
Xavier Rudd – Spirit Bird
John Mayer – Continuum 
Tubby Love – Love is Alive
Nas and Damian Marley – Distant Relatives
Jack Johnson – Sleep Through the Static
Muse – Absolution 
Muse – Resistance 
Muse – The 2nd Law
Sara Groves – O Holy Night
Dispatch – Dispatch EP
Dispatch – Silent Steeples
Dispatch – Who Are We Living For?
Dispatch – Bang Bang
Citizen Cope – Every Waking Moment
Citizen Cope – The Rainwater LP
Sara Bareilles – The Blessed Unrest
Sara Bareilles – Careful Confessions
Ingrid Michaelson – Be OK
Ingrid Michaelson – Everybody
Ingrid Michaelson – Human Again
Celtic Pilgrimage – Aine Minogue
James Blunt – All the Lost Souls
Shooter Jennings & Hierophant – Black Ribbons
Ellie Goulding – Halcyon 
Ellie Goulding – Halcyon Days
Ben Howard – Every Kingdom
Ben Howard – I Forget Where we Were
Bob Marley – The Sun is Shining
Bob Marley – Exodus
Tired Pony – Ghost of the Mountain
Tired Pony – The Place We Ran From
Cold Play – Ghost Stories
Cold Play – X & Y
Passenger – All the Little Lights
Passenger – Whispers
Mumford & Sons – Sigh No More
Mumford & Sons – Babel'
Alright. Thats out of the way.... I just wanted to get all of that out on the blog, because I think that stuff has value. For whatever reason... More like an intuition... a feeling... I feel that I should put it down here...
Now... AS I was just typing this entry a helicopter continuously buzzed by, not 50 yards off the ground... back and forth... up and down my street....
Paranoid, egotistical me thinks that it has something to do with me.... I worry that maybe my blog has put me on a government list of Americans who need to be watched... “domestic terrorist watch list” or some shit... I mean I wrote some stuff in college for the school newspaper, but I don't think anything is more threatening than what I might reveal in this blog. See back in college I was being exposed to the reality behind the fasad, I had to overcome some pretty enormous social barriers and stigmas, I had to overcome certain things about my ego, worrying what people might think about what I wrote.. I was on track for an engineering degree... but I couldn’t abide standing by and watching the world go to shit....
So I switched majors... Journalism... I just wanted to tell anyone.... if it was just a couple of people … it didn't matter to me... just so long as people knew.... as someone other than me knew what was going on.... I went on the internet and found this alternate world and I went out of my house, shut down my laptop, and went out into the world where everybody didn’t see what was happening.... or maybe they saw but just didn't want to acknowledge what was happening....
I watched some documentary films like “End Game,” “KilluminatiTheMovie,” “Terror Storm,” “Martial Law 9-11: Rise of the police State”, “Loose Change,” “Matrix of Evil.” I had been following infowars.com for a while and seeing the evidence... I had researched it all...
It was hard..... hard to be alone... have my family and friends think that I was going nuts... I cared too much....
right?
Did I care too little?
..
..
.
See the thing is... I know that I probably am on some kind of list... because I have seen the evidence.... its a little frightening... Yesterday in the shower, I thought about how I will go in to government center and just stand... debating whether or not to advertise this blog... I think I wont....
But I was in the shower and I laughed at myself, I was thinking what if I am some kind of manchurian candidate who has been brain washed to go into governemnt center tomorrow while a false flag terrorist attack is carried out on governemnt center area... It had been under construction for a year... I remember how in the time leading up to the dmeolition of the world trade center, teams of people were going in to “work on the building.”
But I laughed at myself, mostly because I thought about me sitting here now writing it down on my blog and how fucked up it sounds. I hate that something like that is in the realm of possibility for me..
Manchurian candidates... brain washing... MK Ultra....
Sometimes I think I am a manchurian candidate for something else, my entire life has been me following some kind of script...
So during last week, while I was working on the site, I came across a news story about this kid who was at college and got arrested for selling 80 bucks of weed.
http://reason.com/blog/2015/02/02/busted-over-60-worth-of-pot-college-stud#.fthmrv:na8P
I just remember being so frustrated that this kid was put in such a terrible situation for selling 80 bucks worth of weed.... I mean for selling weed at all... the amount doesn't even matter...
This 20 year old kid looking at eitehr 20 years in prison or to turn into a narc for the local Drug Task Force. He was found shot in the head by a lake. No weapon was found.... a fucking quarter ounce of weed...
I just wanted to mention that... I think it speaks for itself...
“The sky... is... falling... and no..one.. will lift their eyes to see... The sky... is... falllllling.... and nooooone.... cares as long as it lands overseas”
Ok.. I realize this seems disjointed... but I am just going through things, like a check list of things I wanted to jot down... but I have only remembered.... I dislike notes.
Bare with me.
So today I spent a lot of time getting my blog out to people... I texted it to somone I work with... I was reluctatnt... but I dont just want to be anonymous... I want to break free of the chains of the persona I think I project.... I just want to be me... I think maybe thats what this is all about... a stage for me to break down.. me..
I played counterstrike and spammed it there hoping people might check it out... I texted another person I used to work with the site... I tell myself I am doing all of this just so that I know people know that I am who I am, so that I wont get disappeared or set up or provocateur... man fuck this world... where we can't ever trust anything....
….
Then after I did that I went to get groceries.... I think this will be the last time I get groceries... And not because I dont enjoy getting healthy food, or that I cant handle the intenseness of some people that are
I went to trader joes...
I live in Boston... and so often its like everyone is here is just running around in their own world, like nobody else exists... like the world doesnt exist... Rushing while they are driving... Running around the grocery store like a bunch of savages... its not even the collapse yet....
God... help us...
One lady I heard say to the cashier “im in a rush”....
When I pulled into the parking lot, I was behind this woman who was pulling in and she just stopped at the entrance as I was behind her blocking the lane of oncoming traffic... she just needed to pull in a little, she was waiting for a car to pull out of a spot but there was room for her to pull ahead..
“Goosfrahbah..”
So once she aprks I move ahead and I realize I can only park next to her. I back in and as I am backing in, after sitting in her car for a minute she decideds to open her door right as I am backing in the spot.... She sits there for a about 20 seconds with the door open...
“Wooo sahhh...”
I get into the store.... well in the first door and I walk in to grab a cart, some lady is speed walking around the corner of the door inside the store and comes barreling out cutting me off, she goes by to grab a cart and I proceed to enter through the second door.. as I am doing this she has already wheeled about with her cart and finds me there and expresses her frustration that I am there with quick expulsion of breath.. I go through but pause because there is a older woman looking at something in the aisle and there is anotehr woman in a wheel chair with her guide dog blocking the other side.. I wait but the woman behind went through the exit way of the cashier line....
I make it out of the entrance way when the woman in her wheel chair moves into the store. I get into an aisle and pause in front of a not so active area.. I close my eyes... take a deep breath... I remind myself of a stone in a river...
“be like the stone and let all of the rushing water just flow right around you”
“be like the water, going with the path of least resistance...”
“be still, just let them pass you right by...”
So I calmly, and proceed... not getting worked up that someone is in my way...
“keep yourself in check... you dick..”
Letting people rusing around go right ahead ahead and rush right around me...
“Come all you weary, with your heavy loads... lay down your burdens find rest for your souls.... cus my yoke is easy... my burden is kind.. I take yours upon me... and you can take mine.... Come all you weary... move through the earth.... You've been spurned at fine restaurants... and kicked out of church.... Got a couple of loaves... sit down at my feet... Lend me your ears and we'll break bread and eat... Come all you weary... come gather round near me.... find rest for your souls...”
While I was shopping though... I like trader joes because, apart from their reasonably priced, health inspired food selection, their staff is friendly... they deal with people running around all the time being all sorts of crazy, still they manage to maintain a homeostasis, a calm in the storm....
One girl at the sample table heard her favorite song come on and, after she announced to somone that the song was “her jam,” she proceeded to sing along with it with enthusiasm. I smiled in myself and admired her. Some guy was coming along behind me, rather than push on... I let him go right by. Then slowly proceeded around. At one point, as I was by the nut and oliv oil area near the other end of cashiers, I heard one employee shooting the shit with another empoyyee at a register.
“You know what day it is today?” he asked him.
“The day of the titanic.” Damn, the things we remember..
They went on to debate whether or not it was, because one thought it was april 12, when that was actually when it set sail. When they agreed that it was today the titanic sank... the guy who asked the question intially joked in an irish accent saying “ship made of iron, unsinkable she is....”
I just thought how people tend to think the same way about their own lives, about the USA, about their way of life... that its unsinkable... I thought about the iceberg headed our way...
This morning I had seen some news articles on infowars.. when I got back I saw some articles.... “iceberg!!!!!! Straight ahead!!!”
Its frustrating to try and type it out here... but I must have patiene
I thought about what action we can take now that the course is certain...
While I was at work saturday... I had a pretty eventful day.... I had been working on the site... accomplished a lot. Got it pretty much ready for launch the previous day... but I got there for my doube, after being bribed to come in and help them out because they didnt have enough staff... to be honest I didnt want the food or wine... I did it more out of guilt... why do I feel guilt...
Anyways.. I get in there at 11.. I am working a party that was booked by the event planner for 12 30. I woke up early that morning and got a lot done so I was feeling pretty productive.. like I was contributing to something... a worthy cause... like maybe this blog will have some kind of positive effect....
But I get in there... I grab some food.. I keep on telling myself “go ahead... eat... you will need it to get through your shift...”
“Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil. And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungred. And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread. But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.”
I eat the eggs....
I get some food and then am briefed by the event panner about the party, how its a birthday party for a one year old... I am in some kind of mood... I am all hopped up on righteousness....
A birthday party for a one year old...
I mean this was a couple of thousand dollars these people were spending for this... this kid wont remember any of it... I look out the window... its a saturday... its beautiful... one of the first really nice days we have had since the brutal winter. I see everyone out there just enjoying the sun... The world out there is so far from what will become of the world, yet people will continue on in happiness...
Maybe there is some hope in that.. that while things can so quickly deteriorate into sadness,
The sharp contrast stains my mind... these people and their party... there is this board on a easel displayed about the first words and what not... all this stuff...
I am jaded... I want them to be happy.. but I also want them to care.... I think we are all entitled to happiness... but we also have responsibility... the two aren't mutually exclusive... as a matter of fact I think they are interdependent.. ignorance isnt bliss... because ignorance is really just forgetting what we know... but we still know... ignorance is the state of thinking we dont know what we know....
“16For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 17For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. 18He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. 19And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. 20For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. 21But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.” - John 3
When I was watching them at their party.. it was like they were just acting out different roles of their lives... not being who they actually were... but who they thought other people thought they should be... maybe I am just being judgmental... projecting... I don’t fucking know...
I mean they spent more than half the time just taking pictures and not enjoying themselves..
Fuck it...
I get frustrated that I am tending to these people's egos and not at home thinking about these issues we face.. not trying to find a solution... trying to raise awareness to the iceberg... Thats ultimatly what frustrated me the most... not so much that the people were disillusioned... but I knew.. I know.. yet still I haven't given all of myself... tsill I hold back... why... I dont know... god forgive me... because I know.... yet still I tie my hands behind my back...
“22The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light. 23But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness! 24No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” - Matthew 6
Tomorrow is tax deadline....
I am not paying taxes...
I am not paying federal taxes because the federal government doesn't do what I want with my tax dollars... I have no representation... and I realize people call me an idealist... a dreamer.. what ever the fuck they want to say..... but I see through the lies...
when it comes down to it, don’t question my own logic.. question yours... question whether your ok with compromising actions for the sake of your roads... for the sake of your overseas empire... for your defense.... for what....
Its all a bunch of lies we sell ourselves...
“Why not create another terrorist threat, inject some more fear, so we can justify more taxes, more spending on 'defense,' so we can justify greater government.....”
“These days i'm saving my strength... for running”
Give me a fucking break...
I was reading the first entry today... I was going to go back and edit everything before uploading it... but I am glad I didn't... because I want people to see how deceived I can be... Here I am convinced that the bible brainwashed me to believing lies... but I see the truth... I cannot live in this society without in some way contributing to the machine, to the system... I have to remove myself from the chessboard, other wise my moves are limited.
I try to convince myself that you can fix the system from the inside... but you cant because the system has already accounted for all that shit.. its all a part of the system... I see the lie I am telling myself when I tell myself that...
My first task when I am done eating is I have to untangle these to different balloon sets that will be center pieces for the gift table and kids table. I spent a while trying to move these balloons around... but it was futile... id move one and then others would get tangled.... I realized I had to think outside of the box...I noticed that the balloons were tied around the string, so I could just pull the string, or ribbon would be more accurate, and pull the string through the tangle and retie the ribbon onto the balloon..
Then I discovered that not all the balloons were like this, some of them had really tight knots that were small and I couldn't untie... or at least would take too long to do so, so I took out the knife on my wine key and cut the ribbon tied to the balloon.. leaving the attached ribbon on the balloon. Pulled the ribbon attached to the anchor through the tangle and retied it to the balloon.. Vuala...
Sometimes things are just too far gone, sometimes you are restricted by someone else's schedule and you just gotta cut the ties, save the balloons for later, deal with whatever mess your entangled in and worry about reattaching the balloons later.
I know that our fiat currency is just another way the system taxes, the system diverts my efforts and channels it to its own uses.. uses which are of no use to me... uses which are in direct opposition of me...
How could I live in society, how would I pay rent? With what? So we change to another form of currency, backed by another govenrment... what the fuck is the differene... whats the difference if I get paid in canadian dollars which I give to you, you translate into american dollars and then pay your shit with those dollars.... its all a bunch of bull shit....
Where can I go...? Man... I don't know if I will be able to survive out there....
“Please stay... till the last... light fades... father o my father ill be standing in line... to face what faults are mine... its not these old bones ill miss in my dying.. its the girl.. i'm leaving behind...”
Yeah... I am pretty oppressed i'd say... I want to live... but damn the world can make it hard... I have to choose between contributing to mass murder, slavery, oppression or survival in the wild.. Lord knows ill be tempted to give in the future.. when I am out on those streets... maybe ill return as a beggar on the streets.
“Well what about a gold standard... then we couldn't manipulate the currency as much.... Then you could use money”
“Oh you couldnt? Well then we would fight over land, even more so that we could get more wealth...”
“But currency just enables us to trade. Say one person only has sheep, but needs grain, but the person with grain doesn't need any sheep, whats a brother to do without any grain?”
So wtf...? what to do??
I thought of myself... everything I have, my clothes was bought with blood money... I can see myself faltering... “oh so you can wear shoes bought with money thats been leveraged to direct wealth to fund evil but you wont accept food bought with it.. might as well....”
oh god save me...
god save us..
I just want to be free...
This is going to be hard... at least I think it will... but I have a feeling it will be like most things... the hard part is just getting the courage to start and once I am out there living, it will be easier...
I just got an email from my mom about a birthday party for my grandparents... their 90th... I worry they wont ever forgive me... my parents... they will go through that phase of hating me when I leave... thinking me selfish... then they will be sad that they think... I just know it will always be one more thing... some excuse for me to postpone what I need to do... to postpone being free..
“32Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. 33But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven. 34Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. 35For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. 36And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. 37He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. 39He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” - Matthew 10
I was thinking about making a video for them wishing them a happy birthday, letting them know that I love them... But Mom... I think I would rather you tell them for me... Tell them that I love them, that I appreciate everything they've done for me and that I am sorry I couldn't make it...
My mom also just emailed me telling me about a birthday party for my grandmother... I want to go... but I am working... my job isn't a job where you can just call out for stuff... you get fired.. they don't care... They gave us each a 50 dollar christmas bonus to convince us that they do though.
I hate how we dehumanize our jobs, “human resources”.... wtf is that about. Are we aliens at work?
It just sucks what we do to ourselves.
Anyways... I got extremely sidetracked....
if I stay at my parents then I might as well be paying taxes, because they are paying taxes, there is no difference....
You may be asking yourself whats so bad about taxes... but if thats the case... just look at ISIS... we created that in Libya and continue to do so in Syria and Iraq... maybe indirectly through Saudi money, but its the same thing... just like me living under the roof of my parents who pay taxes... id be no better than the government letting the saudis fund and supply ISIS.
There is a massive genocide being carried out against christians and our government supports it. Why is Saudi Arabia our ally, and don't give me that strategic political, the enemy of my enemy is my friend bull shit. Its been the foreign policy for a hundred years.
Look at when we dropped the bomb in Japan, the policy of the united states is “greater good” I dont fucking buy it... I am so sick of all of the lies we tell ourselves, and when it get to tough to try and reason out the lie we just submit to the lie... but I know that using terrorism to fight terrorism is wrong... I don't need the reasons, the numbers about loss of life or whatever else... its fucking wrong... I just know it...
If I was president and someone told me I had to kill an innocent child because the guy next to the child could potentially set off a bomb killing 100 more, I would wait and see... because its not me blowing that bomb up... its him... but it is me giving my tax money willingly to a government that murders innocent people, that carries out terrorist acts for the supposed security of the country... how far are we willing to go... maybe we should all be hooked up to a computer in little bubbles with a simulation playing in our minds so that our physical bodies can be most secure and safe... so that the loss of life is least...
Fuck that...
Its a fucking lie...
I was on yahoo mail the other day and there was an ad at the top of my inbox for a dating website, it read “do what you were meant to do” or some shit along those lines. I got really angry because it played off that narative that like some woman should be my magnum opus... I dont know... it just felt very manipulative... it felt limiting...
So this morning the articles I saw were:
http://www.infowars.com/mexican-authorities-say-isis-camps-located-a-few-miles-from-texas-and-new-mexico/
http://www.infowars.com/the-video-the-feds-dont-want-you-to-see/
http://www.infowars.com/the-power-of-lies/
And I saw the very real fear that is about to rock our country and thus the world..
oviously there is the financial debacle, debt... someone is going to come knocking when the currency fails and somebody wants to get paid... and when the people of america say no, and stop paying taxes its gonna be a reckoning by the federal government, on a lincoln scale and we risk falling into a civil war... This must be avoided at all cost... war... because that is part of the system... we must just abstain from their system.. that is the only way.... Maybe you retreat to the woods like me to avoid the system... just know that they will hunt you down and likely imprison you, and depending on how far along people in the government decide to fall for their tricks of their egos, then it could lead to a very similar situation that took place in Nazi Germany...
Then we have the border... people want to build a massive wall... want to isolate themselves from the rest of the world... we cant do that either.. but we cant be a police force for the world either... this is why we are in the financial calamity we are in... if we are going to beat back this ignorance, this ego, we have to do it together, and we have to get radical... we wont be able to do this unless we are equipped with faith, faith in God... because ultimately it is only through god that we can ever overcome the great evils that have been loosed on the earth, we must expose the enemy, not as the enemy of ISIS or Russia, or China or whoever, but the enemy of ignorance, the enemy of ourselves.... the division..
I have seen “sustainable devlopment” propagnda, and its tough because its true... we have to take care of our planet and live reasonably but it CANNOT be enforced with the iron fist of the government... because the centralization of power will always lead to abuse of that power...
You may want all of the logistics.... I don't have them right now for you... I just know that it can be done... It must be done... because the alternative is very bleak...
Ownership of land, and land rights has to be addressed...
Here is what you have to ask yourself... why aren't all of these issues being raised in the press to be debated by the public... ?
Because the powers that be, are convinced that the general public is the enemy.. we are “overpopulated” … etc... But can we just reanalyze for a minute... try to consider all of the variables...
I saw an article yesterday about the water shortage in California.. about the drying up of rivers … yet my dad has on the tv a golf tournament taking place in the middle of a desert in southern california or in the facinity, on a lush green golf course.... is it ok because they could pay for it?? Can I get a “fuck no!”???
But they are going to limit your water usage for drinking and bathing, but they can make an oasis in the desert...
But this is something that has to be realized, and enforced by the individual...We need to deny ourselves for the true self, so that we can begin to heal that true self.. we need to spend less time orchestrating parties to glorify ourselves and more time orchestrating protests of injustices against the true self... We need to not work at the golf courses and birthday parties which cater to the parsitic illusion of ourselves.
man is part of nature, but we can not continue to turn on ourselves, on nature there is a truth to being “Green” and taking care of the planet. The sooner we recognize that we are a part of something much greater, than the sooner we will be spared from the throws of suffering. We have to realize that when we are only looking to do what is best for ourselves we are turning on the rest of the world. We need to encourage people to think beyond some fairytale wedding, some prince charming, some cinderella, “gettin dat money,” we need to give glory to GOD!!!
God forgive me...
'20And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, The kingdom of God cometh not with observation: 21Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.
22And he said unto the disciples, The days will come, when ye shall desire to see one of the days of the Son of man, and ye shall not see it. 23And they shall say to you, See here; or, see there: go not after them, nor follow them. 24For as the lightning, that lighteneth out of the one part under heaven, shineth unto the other part under heaven; so shall also the Son of man be in his day. 25But first must he suffer many things, and be rejected of this generation. 26And as it was in the days of Noe, so shall it be also in the days of the Son of man. 27They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. 28Likewise also as it was in the days of Lot; they did eat, they drank, they bought, they sold, they planted, they builded; 29But the same day that Lot went out of Sodom it rained fire and brimstone from heaven, and destroyed them all. 30Even thus shall it be in the day when the Son of man is revealed. 31In that day, he which shall be upon the housetop, and his stuff in the house, let him not come down to take it away: and he that is in the field, let him likewise not return back. 32Remember Lot's wife. 33Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it. 34I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left. 35Two women shall be grinding together; the one shall be taken, and the other left. 36Two men shall be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left. 37And they answered and said unto him, Where, Lord? And he said unto them, Wheresoever the body is, thither will the eagles be gathered together.' - Luke 17
“1And Jesus went out, and departed from the temple: and his disciples came to him for to shew him the buildings of the temple. 2And Jesus said unto them, See ye not all these things? verily I say unto you, There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down. 3And as he sat upon the mount of Olives, the disciples came unto him privately, saying, Tell us, when shall these things be? and what shall be the sign of thy coming, and of the end of the world? 4And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you.
5For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. 6And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. 7For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. 8All these are the beginning of sorrows.
9Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. 10And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. 11And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. 12And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. 13But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. 14And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.
15When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) 16Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains: 17Let him which is on the housetop not come down to take any thing out of his house: 18Neither let him which is in the field return back to take his clothes. 19And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! 20But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day: 21For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. 22And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect's sake those days shall be shortened. 23Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. 24For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. 25Behold, I have told you before.
26Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth: behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not. 27For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. 28For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together.
29Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken: 30And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory. 31And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other.
32Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is nigh: 33So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors. 34Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. 35Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.
36But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only. 37But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. 38For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, 39And knew not until the flood came, and took them all away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. 40Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left. 41Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left.
42Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come. 43But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up. 44Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh.
45Who then is a faithful and wise servant, whom his lord hath made ruler over his household, to give them meat in due season? 46Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing. 47Verily I say unto you, That he shall make him ruler over all his goods. 48But and if that evil servant shall say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; 49And shall begin to smite his fellowservants, and to eat and drink with the drunken; 50The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of, 51And shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” -Matthew 24
So isis is apparently massed at the border....
“In your presence, there is mercy... in your presence... I'm alive... no matter how far I run.. you are with me... no matter how far iiii fallll..... your love is everlasting... your kindness never ends.. god you never leave me.... you will be our guide to the end... to the end... the lord is with me.. he will not forsake me... you will be our guide to the end... to the end.. the lord is with me... he will not forsaaakee meeee...”
But I say let them come.... let them see what America really is.... lets show ourselves who we really are!
So a few funny things happened to me last week... I wrote an email to a coworker letting him know that I am there for him, that god is there for him, and that although I know he loves his girl a lot he should love god first, because only god will be there for him when everything “fades to black.” It always happens that the advice I give is really advice I should give to myself because I spent a few days that week on this hookup site... what I was doing there I couldn't really say.... but I am sure there was some kind of reason for it... maybe because it was to realize this exact moment...
On that morning shift I was talking with a couple girls why I am not boyfriend material... because “girls usually want it to be all about them, and I cant deliver that.” God is first.... Later that day someone came into work and expressed to me how he wasn't doing that well... that he was getting really depressed and I tried to tell him because he is always focusing on the negative things, and advised him to try to look on the brighter side, to give the benefit of the doubt, to be merciful. He expressed that its hard because sometimes people just treat you poorly.
“alll I have... for your glory jeeesuusss... all I ammmm.. for your kingdom... your name....all I have... for your glory jeeeesuuusss.... alll I am for your kingdom... your name......”
Why is it that we get upset when we get treated poorly... is it because we get treated poorly... or is it because the person treated us poorly.. does it upset us that people are too invovled in themselves to see their wrong by the others...
I advised him not to hate people that do it, but pitty them because they are actually miserable and want to bring others to their misery to help them feel better by not being alone in their misery...
boy did I eat my words later that night... I had a coworker that would just stand by and watch me work... watch me strugggle... and it bothered me... not because she wasn't working but because she watched me work and didn't try to help me get out of the weeds by trying to get ahead and taking initiative... and I felt like I was being mistreated... it got under my skin a little bit... and I said something to her and she stepped up a bit.. but then a guest came in and said “next time I come in I'll bring you a razor..” I had some scruff... Then he persisted to try to taunt how my facial hair grew...
I let it get under my skin... what a dick I am.... again I get owned by my own advice...
“you are lovely... you are wise.... there is nothing too hard for ourrrrr goddddd..... your word inside of me.... my strength my everything... my hope will always be jeeessuuuss... your prayer inside my lungs.. your worthy of my trust... you will forever be.... jeeeeesuuuuussss.....”
So anyways..... I think I touched on as much as I could...
Tomorrow I think I might get arrested.... I am going to offer myself up in front of the JFK federal building... I am going to be wearing a scarf around my face and a cowboy looking hat and stand in a yoga mountain pose offering my heart to the federal government.... tomorrow I become an outlaw... granted I did just get an inspection ticket while my car was parked outside my apartment.... man I gotta sell that shit....
“I have decided... to follow jeeesus... I have decided... to follow jeeeesussss... I have decided to follow jeeesus... no turning baaaack..... no turning baaaaaack....
though none go with me.... I still will followwww... though none go with me..... I still will foooolllooowwwww.... though none go with meeeee.... I still will folllowwwwww.... no turning back...... no turning baaaaaack.....
hebrews 12 says... therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles... and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us... let us fix our eyes on jesus... the author and perfector of our faith.. who for the joy set before him endured the cross... scorning in shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of god... consider him who endured such opposition from simple men so that you will not grow weary... and lose heart... jesus... we give you our praise.. you're our greatest prize.. our greatest treasure and we will forsake everything for the joy of knowing you... we worship you alone in this place
eeeeeverythingggg... all I am and all I haaaaave to be.... I will give to you my eeeeverything...
and I will follow... my heart surrendered... my jesus I am yourrrrrrrrrrsssssss..... and I will follow my life's in your hands.... my jesus I am youuuuurrrrrrrrrssssss...”