Father, here... my prayer!!!
Yours. Truly. | Monday, April 20, 2015 -- 10:28 AM EDT
All sorts of crazy shit...
“Animal... your an animal... don't take anything less....
out of control.... your out of control... strike those in distress...
Analyze... advertise... expaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand....
end morrrrrrrralllllllsssssssssss. Buy self an iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiislanddddddd..
animals..... we're animals buy when blood is on the street...
out of control... we're out of control... crush those with your your feet......
Analyze......... franchiiiiiiiiiiiseee... spread ouuuuuuuuuuut...
kill the competition.... buy self an oooooooooooooooooooooooceannnnn....
amortioiiiiize..... downsize...... lay oooooooooooooffffffff.....
killlllllll yourrrrrrrr selllllllllffffffff... cmon and dooooo us allllllllllll a faaaaaaaavoorrrrrrrrrrrr”
“oncceeee iii hoped.... to seek the new and unkowwwwwwn.... this planet's overrun... there's nothing left.... for you or for me....
dont..... give in.... we can... walk through the fields... and feel nature's glow.... but all the land is owned.... there's none left for you or for meeeeee..... who will win..... cus I cocede.....
freeeeee meeee..... freeeee meeeee.. freeeeee me from this worrrrld... I dont beloooooong here... it was a mistake impriiiiisooooniiiiing my soul..... can you free me... free me from this worllllllllllld....
a world lush and blue... with rivers running wiiiiiiiiiild... they'll be rerouuuuuuuted south... with none leeeeft for youuuuu or for me....
don't give in... and heeeeeeear theeeee ennnnnnnnnginnnnnnnnnes roooarrrr.. and save our crops from drouuuuuuuuuught... and when the black goooooooold's in doubt.... there's none leeeeeeeeft for youuuuuuu... orrrrr for meeeeeeee.... fuuuuusingg innnn threeeeeeeee.... our laaaaaast hooooope...
freeeeee meeee..... freeeee meeeee.. freeeeee me from this worrrrld... I dont beloooooong here... it was a mistake impriiiiisooooniiiiing my soul..... can you free me... free me from this worllllllllllld....
freeeeeee meeeee...... Ill freeeee youuuuu... freee us from this woooooorld... we dont belooooooong here..... it was a mistake impriiiiisoning our souuuuuuuuulllllllls... Can you freeeeee meeeeee. And feee me from this woorlllllllllllllld.....
running around in cirrrrclllllesss feeliing caged by endlesss rullles... can you fee me from this world......
Shhhhhhh..... go tooooooo sleeeeeeeeep....”
So I got back from yoga... it was pretty crazy... I want to just turn off... I try but cant...
I pray.... god help me to turn off....
Gotta walk to work soon but I just wanted to get this down....
This will be a fragmented entry...
The yoga teacher that was originally supposed to teach had to call out and there was a girl that was subbing there that I used to go to her classes a lot... she is fantastic.. I was happy to see her...
She does a fantastic job.... she does great things....
At one point she was talking about our bodies, how sometimes the body knows what we need before the mind.... I thought about it... how true it was... how sometimes I find myself stretching in my sleep... in weird yoga poses...
I thought about yoga... about human's as a race.... I envisioned a world where we moved in unison.. a collective conscious.... how we will overcome these challenges.....
I thought about how sometimes I feel like I am talking about communism..... about capitalism....
For fucks sake....
I fell asleep last night listening to these college kids across the street partying... they go hard.... I am assuming some kind of fraternity...
when I got back from yoga I found them sitting out front playing drinking games... basque in the sun.....
Hard indeed....
I thought about how I should go out and be like John the baptist and tell them to repent... I thought about how much of a hippocrite I would be... I mean after all... arent they doing exactly what I envision.... They got the standard part music going... what a great time... is it a right of passage? Is it right??
“Cause love's such an old-fashioned word.... And love dares you to care for.... The people on the edge of the night... And love dares you to change our way of... Caring about ourselves... This is our last dance.... This is our last dance... This is ourselves.... Under pressure.... Under pressure... pressure...”
I swear life is like the twilight zone... I wish people would just take the time to listen to life talking to them... take the time to listen to the body....
I go on wondering... are they that wrong????
“Fuck the world!!!” I here some girl creaming a couple of times....
my God I think I might go crazy soon... I laugh at myself...
“REPENT!!!!”
I wonder about what I was talking about in the last entry... about what will people do... will we recognize our need... last night or this morning... iwatched william shatner talking about a kickstarter to divert water down south with a pipeline....
holy shit.....
Is anybody fucking listening to this!?!?!? To what I am putting down to black and white right here....
I dont even fucking know... this isnt me... this cant be me... wtf........
God is fucking great!!!!!
We need to get it together...
There's been helicopters flying around brighton all day... no news about it really in Boston... but I know its part of the “jade helm exercises”.... just an exercise.... no worries... go about your business.... move along..... doesnt matter... the eother day I saw two army helicopters with the medical sign flying in formation over my building...
I think... oh maybe there is a coup going on.... Obama wanted to do something fucked up and the military said no....
nahhhh.... you getting crazy now...
Anyways.... I remember when I was in college... the world just seemed fucking overwhelming.... I didn't have the foundation I needed to meet the challenges of the world... I just said “FUCK IT” got drunk.. went to parties.... tried to forget how alone I thought I was... going through the motions of school and society... seeing the life plan designed for me....
two nights ago... at the end of my shift I heard a manager talking to someone about all these new people going to be put in a position of front serving or all the new hires going to be starting as shit get crazy....
“Right out of the frying pan and into the fire.... but hey... some times you gotta get thrown into the fire to get better...”
I thought about how we all need to go through our own crucifixion, our right of passage, so that we can get better....
So when things get tough the government has no authority to confiscate goods and redistribute them so that people don't starve... to shut down businesses... but what they do have is a responsibility to inform and help facilitate those who do want to help can help, who want to contribute to fix this... We need to recognize our people's needs... throughout the world... this secrecy..... we need to be honest with each other.. get through this together....
A couple of days ago I told my yoga teacher a story that happened to me when I was still in college.... I don't know why I decided to share the story... I always kind of kept it personal... besides it sounded nuts... But when he told me about the squirell memebership he had... that made it more affordable for people who couldn’t come all the time....
Every time I went into the studio I was reminded of what happened to me at my house... they have a little statue of a squirrel up on his kind legs holding an acorn...
I was still living at home at the time... my mom had gone to florida to visit my grandfather who she feared was going to die.... She was gone for a couple weeks... and this isn't something against my mother... I was just going through something... I was starving myself.... I felt guilt... I had family in the area... I could have gotten food.... but I refused.... I was sad... I confined myself to my ash tray of a room... playing video games... smoking the reefer.... cigarettes.... I don't even know if I was smoking at the time... I would always look out my window at the birds... I would watch the squirrels.... so at one point when I walked by my back door I decided to stand there and just look out into the back yard....
A squirrel appears at the back of the back porch.... then he proceeds to make his way up the porch and right in front of the door.... I felt like I was talking to the squirrel... like the squirrel was talking to me... I didn't go this far in depth with my yoga teacher... but I could hear the squirrel talking to me.....
the squirrel walked up right before the door and sat on his hind legs, dropping the acorn there and sitting back... He just sat there...
I here him saying something.... “eat”... “cheer up”....
I thank the squirrel, but tell him to keep it, its for him...
But I only got as far as the acorn coming up to the door with an acorn for me....
Somebody else who is listening, the other owner of the studio, chimes in and says “it was jut another living creature sensing another living creatures need...”
I could tell the guy thought I was bullshit... “I dont know if I was trippin or what....”But I know the truth...
I got to talkng about documentary films with this coworker of mine who is making one, we were also talking about the website I was making... I had told him mnths ago about the other site that was in construction. I told him about this new one, this blog about oppression.... I tried to let him know about the kind of oppression I blog about... I wanted to go into the christian aspect but something tells me not to, I stick to explaining how I am forced to support a government via taxes, a government with an obscure foreign policy of.. I told him how I recognized that my banner was a lot like isis' banner... I could tell his eyes were glazing over.... he didn't want to hear any of it.... he knew of some stuff.. but while I was explaining to him this documentary film euegenics... about how hitler got his philosophy and funding from western aristocrats and intelligencia... americans... how he got support from American businesses...
I told him how planned parenthood started off as a eugenics program to curve the undesiarables from reporoducing... I told him about population control... nad this quote came to mind, I stumbled upon it the other day... maybe a week ago... on the internet... I dont know how... but it stuck with me... so I looked it up again.... I dont know why I didnt write this one down till now.. but wow does it fit the bill....
Anyways... he tells me not everyone that supports abortions... that supports population control... that they don't do it as a eugenics agenda... I try to explain to him that they have fallen for the propoganada... the narrative.... “women's rights...,” “sparing the world from starvation.....,” “sparing the world from disease” and then I recall this quote...
“We know that no one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. Power is not a means; it is an end. One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship. The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. Now do you begin to understand me?"
http://www.thirdworldtraveler.com/Authors/Part_Three_1984.html
I mean how long has there been hunger in the world.... and we act like its because its overpopulation....
GOD HELP US TO SEE!!!!
God help us to see the devil, his clever musings....
fuck it, I am uploading this... I will get to the email tomorrow...
“How can it be any other wayyyyyahhh....... how can it be any other wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... it was all play......”
I was walking to work after failing to get to the bank again yesterday.... deposit that money... I want to get some wool pants.... as I walk throught this neighborhood, I called my mom to see if my mom could get them for me and id pay her back....
I go through the pleasentries...
An ambulance drives by screaming its whaling siren, piercing through my fucking ears as she picks up the phone... damn those shits are loud
“what's up?”
“Did I call you?”
“No... I was just asking whats up...”
“Ohhh.. with the lunch for nana tomorrow?”
“No just in general...”
She proceeds to tell me how she spent the day cleaning up my sisters house... that my brother came over with his friend to put on my dad's summer tires... that not much is new.....
I ask if she has read any of her bible, literally curious, but also joking how I feel like some kind of parent, some teacher so I do it with a tone like a parent inquireing to see if their child had done their chores before allowing them to go play with their friends.....
“Noooo...... but I thought about it......”
“Oh you thought about reading it.... I see....”
“Tellin' me how I'm crazy, and baby you brought me into safety now that I'm open, baby my nightmares are underground. All of you people hiding and dining when the stars are aligning, Can you see the sun shining? Tell me why are you fighting?
Tellin' me how I'm crazy, and baby you brought me into safety now that I'm open, baby my nightmares are underground. All of you people hiding and dining when the stars are aligning, Can you see the sun shining? Tell me why are you fighting?” -Trevor Hall: 'Stand Open'
I go on to explain the reason I was calling was to see if she could do me a favor...
“what.?” She asks in a monotone, brief, way...
“Could you get these pants for me from llbean, I was trying to get them but I haven't been able to get to the bank...”
She lightens up when she realizes how she sounded, and knows what I am asking....
“Well what are you gonna do for me...”
I know she didn't mean that as an ultimatum, or literally... that she wants me to get my taxes done....
“Cant someone do someone a favor without expecting something in return....” I chide....
“Well... yes....” she doesn't pursue the tax issue any further...
I love you mom...
She asks me to send her the link... when we hang up I pause from walking.. there is this really old tree... I put my hand on its trunk in amazement.. in appreciation.... I look up...... “wow” I say to myself... I set my water bottle down and take out my phone to send my mom the link... After I do... I put my hand on the tree... I feel the energy.... I feel a warmth...i continue on.... gotta get back to the storm... patio opens today... I think to myself if I will be able to not fall victim to the pressures of the job... if I will let myself keep peace... This I pray...
..
While I stood in front of the federal building holding my sign by myself... I found myself singing in my head....
“our god is fiiiiiightiiiing foooor ussss allllwayyyyss.. our god is fiiiightiiiiiiing fooooor us allll... we are not alooooooone... we are not aloooooone....”
When I was just sitting there fiddling around on the guitar... jamming by myself.... I started to sing.....
“humm with the truth in me.... with the truth in you.....”
Soi just woke up... its been two days since I went to yoga... I had texted an old coworker about a week ago and he told me I should come out and visit him in salem for his birthday on sunday.. I told him I had to work a double that day and that I would try to get it covered but it was bleak considering how understaffed we are.
But a couple days ago, someone asked me if they could cover my shift.... then, the next day, when I went to go ask my a manger if the person could work for me she initially declined because of the lack of experienced people we had working that day..... she has always been someone that has been a stickler for the rules... “no touching the computer... why are you out of your section....”
No doubt she was following some rule about how many experienced people needed to be on the floor a given shift... but something amazing happened... after she told me know.... she felt something... something that changed her mind... to neglect the rules she had that governed her actions; that governed her mind....
She approved the shift coverage.... and I told my friend that I could make it... And when I asked if there was anything I should bring, he replied simply, “a good attitude. Actually, hit me up otw but prolly not.”
“Nice. I'll do that,” was my response but to be honest I questioned whether or not I would bring a good attitude.
Yesterday at work a table handed me a comment card that had everything checked off as the best accept the portion for the server, which was checked off as the second worst grade...
I had someone working with me who was just utterly struggling... but I found myself not caring, I mean I was doing my best, trying to be there for everyone, to give everyone what they wanted, to do my job, but it wasn't enough for some people... things got messed up... still... it was really only this one table... most of these people...
Anyways, before I headed out for my shift yesterday I watched an Elevation Worship music video, wasnt going to write about it... but I am....
Yesterday... as I sat at a table talking with people I had never known, about what I have written here in this blog... how fucking nuts it will sound to people... I held back..... because I was afraid it would turn them off.... that they might not take the message because where it was coming from...
I kept it secular, toned down, but I felt limited... they weren't going to get it.... stilll.. the conversation turned to how oppressive the system is... how does one going about changing it.... They discussed...
I offered one solution, I explained how sometimes we get bogged down trying to think about everything, reason everything out, and it can sometimes get in the way from doing what we should do; doing what is right..
“Sometimes you just have to follow your heart, what you know you should do despite the absence of reason...”
I told them about an immortal technique song “Jerricho”, and one of the lines he used about getting off the chessboard otherwise your moves are always limited...
“Gotta condition your brain when you get in there To make you believe that the walls always been there Preservere in the game without getting your flesh torn Gotta get to a square that’s not on the chess board Invisible walls, classism and privilege Even taller than apartheid walls you live with Government’s a business clouded in smoke And when you broke, only real choice Pepsi and Coke Motherfuckers build a wall for every reason alive”
They understood the meaning... but they didn't know how... I felt guilty that I didn't say anything... I should have... about the ego, death... God... the truth... something kept me from speaking the truth....
God forgive me....
“32Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. 33But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.” - Matthew 10
This morning though.... after I was in tears from watching the “Raised to life” Elevation Worship music video yesterday morning... I went and got ready for work... and as I was I thinking about the bible I gave to someone walking by me in front of the federal building... he was amazed that it was a King James bible... he asked if he could have it... he asked if it was old... I told him it was my grandmothers so it was at least as old as her... “I cant take your grandmothers bible...” I tell him its his and he thanks me.... I thought about the sticky note I had on one of the pages from way back when I looked at a book in the bible based on a song of immortal techniques “Angel of Death.”
“my place in history is the book of malachi.”
I decided to listen to the song... and as I listened to it... I thought about the wicked and evil men in the world, who knowing what they do, persist....
I felt wrath.. anger..
And as I did, I felt guilt, it felt wrong.... I was deceived... they don't know what they do....
The other day... I thought about me declaring my oppression as a christian man... but really this is the oppression of man.... and by man I mean “woman” too... don't get it twisted... stay focused...
I thought about my oppression as someone who doesn't believe... I thought about the chains of their non-belief... I thought about these people trying to figure out how to make their way in the system last night, how to fix things...
The fractal nature of everything.....
These elite.... these “peasant folk...”
Their oppression...
At my shift on saturday night... I couldn't help but sing..... the entire night... “i went down down down... and those flames got higher... the ring of fire....”
It didn't really occur to me what jesus was talking about when he said the last shall be the first and the first shall be the last...... I thought about it... I initially thought that the down trodden, the weak, the oor, the persecuted, they will be rewarded in heaven.... but maybe... I thought... maybe it meant that everything will be one... the first is last... the last is first..
These people I felt resentment toward for their evil ways, I know that they must be shown mercy... they must...
So as I walked... I prayed for forgiveness....
“THIS IS NOT A DISS SONG.. THIS IS A REAL SONG....
I Shoulda been did it I been in a daze though.. I put friends over business end of the day though.. But when friends, business interests they go... Aint nothing left to say though... I guess we forgot what we came fo'.... Shoulda stayed in food and beverage...”
That morning... before I listened to the Angel of Death... An eminem sound came on, “Shady's back...” I listened to it and laughed... then I put on another Eminem song myself...
“In my shoes.. just to see.. what its like.. to be me... ill be you... lets trade shoes... just to see what itd be like to... feel your pain.. you feel mine... go inside each otehr's minds.. just to see... what we'd find... look at shit through eachother's eyes.....
don't let em say you ain't beauuuuuutifullllllll whoaaaahhooooooo.... they can all get fucked just stay true to youuuuuuuuuu soahhhooooooo.... don't let em say you ain't beauuuuuutifullllllll whoaaaahhooooooo.... they can all get fucked just stay true to youuuuuuuuuu soahhhooooooo....
lately i've been hard to reach... i've been too long on my own...... everybody has a private part where they can be aaaaaaaloooooooone.... are you calllllling meee??!??! are you trying to get throuuuuuuugh..... reaching ouuuuuuuuuuut for meeeeeeeeeee..... and I am reaching ouuuuuut for youuuuu......
Yeah... to my babies.... stay strong... your dad'll be home soon.... and to the rest of the world..... god gave you those shoes... to fit you... so put em on and wear em.... be yourself man... be proud of who you are.... and even if it sounds corny.... don't let anyone tell you... you ain't beautiful...”
So I walked to work praying.... I left early enough to go back to the tree that was so kind to me... I wanted to get some pictures to put on here.... I took them... I put my hand back on the tree... I wanted to feel it again... to let it talk to me....
Realizing I still had plenty of time to go before I head into work... I see another tree where I used to sit and read my bible last year on my break... a flower had sprung up on the shady side... I sit on the other side... facing the sun... I just sit there... soaking in the sun... listening....
I decide I need to get up after some time... I get into work... I see a friend of mine as I get in there.... we are going to hand out later.... he tells me he checked out some of the stuff I asked him to check out.... He tells me how he loved some of the stuff...
He tells me the elevation worship music video I sent him he couldn't really get into... he tells me something about the production just turned him off... the “mega church vibes...” I tell him I know exactly what he was talking about.... while on the inside I prayed... I prayed for us all to just take things for what they are..... I prayed for us to tear down our walls.....
When I got out of work and home I looked on a map how far Salem was...
“so far awy... prolly take at least an hour to get there...”
“I should just text him and let him know I wont make it... I could watch game of thrones...”
My mind flashed back to the events that brought me to this moment.... I didn't want to make it for not...
“who knows what else you might do if you don't go...”
I try to find peace.... to listen to my heart....
I get up and go down to my uninspected, uninsured car, with my drivers mirror smashed up and embark.... the paranoid person in me throws on my seat belt while wondering if maybe I am such a threat that I could be a target for our government assassination program.. I just start driving... I have the leeland album “The Great Awakening” in my car's cd player... the song that happens to start playing as a I start driving: “Chains hit the ground.”
“Good god this mother fucker is paranoid.. he's fucking nuts... He's brainwashed.... He's fucking wrong... misguided....”
“He looks, so he finds....”
..
Yeah....
I need to escape...
….
..
this oppression...
….
..
Its marathon morning and I was going to try and pump out the email entry... I was going to watch game of thrones before doing this entry... but I don't think I will today... This entry will suffice.... for now...
I woke up to this morning... saw that I had some missed texts... and a call... someone texted me to take my marathon monday shift.... good god.... how did this happen to me..... I think this outlaw will go protest my oppression at the marathon.... I wonder if anyone will hear me.....
God you are great... Thank you...
“I am the eye in the sky looking at you I can read your mind I am the maker of rules dealing with fools I can cheat you blind
Yeah, my truth is the ark of the covenant buried in Ethiopia Watch when you fuckin' with a Minneapolis Somalian When I go home the world I use to know is gone And I will live on my own For what shall it prosper the rapper with creative control To sign a deal with the devil and lose his soul My still born first expression is cold Like the faces of slave masters on the paper I fold Subliminal racial supremacy chokin' me quick Like the bedtime stories of Joseph Smith Lynch mob gunnin' for me tryna murder my seeds So shorty put him in the nile in a basket of reeds And now I stare in to the future with a spiritual flashlight Wondering who the fuck was me in a past-life Bad diet, fuck more, die young, fast life Same as a crash flight that took off when the music died on your last night Tell 'em the truth and they call you a traitor Talk to 'em honestly and they call you a hater Losin' my composure cause the message is urgent Talkin' reckless drunk on the mic like Larry Merchant Cursin' at the serpents sumerian demons Who rush their wings against the air to their breathin' They heave in with nothin' left to believe in Even a reason for livin' that was forgiven by God, and not not religion Envision Jesus risen from the dead like Horus In the baptist church shakin' off the rigor mortis The borders should be illegal instead of the people That were here before the Bible and all of its sequels I speak to the detached and unrealistic That were born normal but turned socially autistic We resisted homeland securities mission Cause I know what they really envisioned...
[Chorus x2)
I am the eye in the sky looking at you, I can read your mind I am the maker of rules dealing with fools, I can cheat you blind”