Forgive me... becAUSE I DON'T KNOW SHIT!!
Yours. Truly. | Sunday, April 12, 2015 -- 2:46 PM EDT
Our lives are a fucking tragedy.. a comedic one at that. Date. Life. Gospel.
new day... I woke up today at about 7, took a piss got back into bed, hoped to fall back to sleep, I had a dream but I forgot it now, but I remember the dream I had in the time that I fell asleep after I took a piss, and my what a horror it was. I was in some kind of store that was just about to open and when it did, people rushed in, I got the kind of nightclub feel from the store that was opening. Then there was a falling out with the people that were running the night club. He left in huff.. I went out the back to the parking lot, and he watched as he took off in this space ship that reminded me of some kind of gemometric, kinnect ship and it began to spin and shot off into the sky and dissappeared, and second later a missle of some kind came and hit something in the ditance and erupted in unbelievable fire, and I fled in horror back inside the mall that I was in as the flames rushed closer. The flames didnt quite reach the mall, after all, you cant die in your own dream....
but after the fire retreated, I went out and the city was in shambles. I saw my friend carting his mother around in her wheel chair, the same friend I was talking about yesterday, then it changed to another firend of my passt from when I was younger, and his mom was in the wheel chair... and thats all I can remember really....
But yesterday, after I was writing, after I finished working out, it came to me that the downfall of man is his hubris, and its something that has come across to me before, but I got the feeling that god was telling me something.... like he was warning me.. like he wanted me to warn other people that human society will be wiped out, the slate swept clean if we can not take some responsibility, if we cannot reverse what we have created, what is spiraling out of control.
He warned me that of the madmen who think that they could destroy humanity, and that they would or could destroy the world, may even try because of some rationalization that has been so compartmentalized that it could never be adequately cross examined. But God reassured me that this would not ever be allowed, he promised me... he reminded me what he promised...
“How absurd, this guy.... thinking he talks to god or that god talks to him...”
“How could he ever have this authority, this... man....?”
Do we see what we have done to ourselves?
but I just keep on seeing it in different ways. A year or two ago I read about Adam and Eve's story, I read it from the Bible, and I began to see what it was really about. It wasn't just a history book, it was a story that had a lesson to be learned, more than one lesson to be exact.
Gotta go to qi gong right now... havent been in months and I need to go today.... I'll be back...
Back.... oh boy...
This morning Farrah Abraham was trending number 1 on yahoo...
“Farrah Abraham supports bruce jenner's plastic surgery pursuits”
Those were the headlines....
I got to the yoga studio today... my old teacher was pleased to see my return... I love him..
Throughout the course of the Qi Gong session he related to us the purpose of different practices, and at one point the history.. “Where have you been?!” he asked... he expressed how he went through a little bitterness at my absence...
“Life” was my response “got busy, got broke” I offered.. but that wasn't the real reason.. the sole reason... it was a menagerie of different reasons really: the unprecedented snow, the lack of funds, the basketball season. All of which were reasons I offered to him as to why. “I'm going through a lot right now..” I responded when he asked what prompted me to chop off my hair. I said it as kind of a joke and also as truth.
One reason, however, I neglected. I felt that he was pressuring me for more expensive “private sessions” and I was just going to the normal scheduled classes during the day because I work nights. I occassionally might go to a night class too. He made me feel guilty that I was even going to the scheduled classes...
he made me feel that.... right?
When he asked if there was anything he could do when I told him I was going through a lot at the moment, “well maybe we could get into this with some private sessions” he felt like he couldn't address these just as my friend....
It saddened me more than anything...
As I was cooking about an hour ago I wondered, more like knew and was in awe at the story of my life, like I knew it was written.... fate....
I thought... I think that it isn't even me writing these words to you know... it isn't even me relating this story to you now...
Who is this ghost writer...?
“He's possessed by a demon!”
Oh the struggles of a teacher are great... the lessons they themselves must learn are great...
I don't resent him.. I love him... I hope that he reads this one day... and knows that I love him.
He related to me and this other girl, there were just two of us, how qi gong and healing therapy helped him cope with his asthma for 20 plus years.. until a month ago when he had to go to a doctor to get an inhaler..
“Yes it never cured me, but it enabled me to go twenty years without an enhaler.”
“It never cured me,” I thought to myself...
Another reason that I left is because I felt like he hated Jesus, he hated the concept of God, westernconcept of God. He was resentful, he fell for the deception that is guilt by association.
But looking back, I think God wanted me to go away for a while... I hope one day he can accept that...
Just latst night at work... a girl dropped two spoons in the trash that was just filled with left over food from different peoples plates...
“i just dropped a bunch of spoons in that trash and am not going to get them....”
Immediately I thought “I'll grab them.....” Then another girl who I was doing my side work goes “He'll get him.. so manly...”
After a finished what I was doing walked over to the trash, that contained all the discarded food, reached down and grabbed out the spoons..
This mornign when I woke up at about 9.. rahter than relay what happened the other night on my date and what I dreamed, I had the urge to do something else... something else took priority....
I wrote this to my colleagues, not worried what they might hold against me, what they might think... I sent it anyways...
“Hey Guys, I anted to say something the past couple preshifts I've been at afer what some of what the managers talked about. I just don't want you to take this in a way that I am being preachy or that I am not guilty of the same thing, or that I am channeling my Hushek. But how I have seen people try to motivate others at not only this job and others is mainly “because its good for you,” “ it puts money in your pockets” and other stuff along those lines. In my time here, at barcelona and on the planet Earth a Will, while these will motivate people to perform, it will only ever do so to an extent, because at the end of the day money isn't everything. And please dont write that off as “Will must be having a hallmark channel marathon right now.” I wanted to sahre this not for Barcelona's sake but because its something I have found to give life, your life, value in general. Yesterday Rob was talking about the core values of Barcelona: Pride, Profitability, and “wowing” a guest. Because how many times do you find yourself questioning what difference are you making waiting tables. How often do you find yourself trivializing your life, what you do here at Barcelona? I know those thoughts creep into my head, so they must have crept into at least some of your heads as well. Maybe you are just here as an intermediary thing, I mean most of us, if not all of us, would probably consider this job that.
So it happened twice now that I wanted to say something at pre-shift and couldnt or didn't and figured there wouldnt be a better time or spot to do it than on here. One pre-shift Kerri asked us what we notice when we go out to eat, what makes our dining experience better. What my response was, especially as industry people, is the server. I am not thinging about barcelona the corporation; Andy and Sashsa When I am eating at a restaurant I am thinking about the people I am eating with. Sure it may be fun to imagine myself eating in spain, thinking about the concept the style, the food and that kind of stuff. Obviously the food plays a big factor as to why I am eating at a place. But at the end of the day, what isn't gonna stick with me isn't barcelona the restaurant. And I am not trivializing the chefs job by any means, eating good quality food can really someone's day around, and has the same kind of effect I am talking about. Appreciating the time, effort someone took to to create something for the enjoymentof another person. That is something that can have a great effect too. These things carry over into the guests' lives outside of the restaurant, they translate into things much greater than Barcelona, and little old Will the server's life. The positivity you create, the energy you put out there as a person interacting with others not only enhances the taste of the food and the guest's experience at Barcelona, but it inspires, it creates, it snowballs into the world outside of yourself, which is a very real thing.
So the next time you find yourself getting frustrated because your coworker isnt performing or is having a bad day and taking it out on you, or you have some guests that are super rude, or anything in your own life. Take a breath, think whther or not it is them causing you to in turn lose your shit, or is it yourself. View it as a challenge to yourself. Like the world is speaking to you, challenging you.
This is one of the reasons why I have enjoyed working in the restaurant industry, its a great challenge, it keeps me sharp. Cus man it can be hard to keep your cool when our weeded and it seems like the entire restaurant just decided to take a shit right on top of you.
Sure, making sure waters are filled, making sure you are available to them when they want to order something and other stuff of the like are all good things and will allow the guest to enjoy themselves and wont detract the guesst from their experience.
Profitability.. that in turn will just get used up in this months rent, the next outing at the bar or whatever else and will ultimatly spoil when your dead. But “wowing” a guest. These are the types of things that carry over, that withstand the test of time, that you CAN take pride in.
Thank you Mel Gibson!
See you soon!! :D
One Love”
On my last day when I stand in judgement I will say “lord, should it please you lord, send me back, because I can do better, forgive me Lord... I will sing “Glory be to God” even louder, I am not worthy to enter in...Though I feel I am not worthy of your unrelenting love, I am grateful for it nevertheless, and I defer to your judgement alone..”
Its a new day.. I woke up doubting myself... doubting that what I have envisioned for myself to do, whether or not it was really what god wants... On my walk to work yesterday I prayed; I prayed that I Give myself over entirely to god, please god Do what with me what you will, then I thought “how arrogant of me to think that I was ever not God's, to think that somehow I was ever beyond his rule, beyond his dominion.” Maybe the greatest sin of mine was thinking that, whether or not it was true is another story.
I called up my buddy, going to visit him in NYC soon... We used to get high all the time in his moms basement... Watch the daily show and Colbert report, we laughed, because its all we could do, all we felt we could do... at the shit we saw out in the world, the shit we saw in our own lives...... It was easier to talk about the problems of the world... than our own...
So I'll get back to “date night” now.... I found a good spot on Newberry street to stand... just stand.. soaking up the setting sun... The birds were chirping. They would buzz by me, doing fly byes. They would fly right at me and then overt their course at the last minute. I wondered how I look to the birds...
how we look to the birds..
Then a couple flew over to the walkway that I was standing and one landed right in front of me... inches from my foot... he bobbed his head chirped a few times... he reminded me.. he let me know that God is listening, he reminded me God is with me.... after about a minute he flew off...
A couple of hours before we were going to meet at the taco place for our date I get a message from the guy who messaged me before on POF. I'll finish hashing out that conversation now.
Well.. it appears his profile was deleted and along with it the conversation we had. The important thing to know is this though he messaged me a couple hours before my date with the girl... for the most part the rest of the conversation was me sharing with him some good worship music for him to listen to.... “You have all of these albums?” he asked... “Yes” I replied.... this is roughly how it went down the next day when he messaged me...
Him: Just wanted to say hello. How are you?
Me: **** After about an hour I respond **** “Im good thanks and I am waiting....”
Him: “Waiting for....?”
Me: “You to say hello... :D” *** I love that one ***
Him: *** no acknowledgement, right down to business, no hello... *** “I broke down yesterday, and fell apart”
Me: “well the lord is strong in our weakness, or atleast that is what they say and what I have found to be true.”
Him: “I pulled out my phone and pulled up some porn and started masterbating...”
Him: “I knew it was wrong..”
--- End of convo----
I did not answer... the last two comments of his were approximations... but it was essentially him relating to me this story that he “got wet” in his pants and kind of just crude details that didn't need to be shared.... He didn't say anything about what we talked about.. what I had just said... he ignored it...
I didn't respond... what did he want me to say? He didn't ask me anything... to be honest reading it made me feel uneasy... almost sick...
On my walk on Newberry street to the coffee shop or on the way back from it, to the restaurant two helicopters flew over in formation... I was reminded of the military drills that were being conducted nation wide..
Drills for what? Who can say...? Maybe they are mobilizing for some potential attack; after all, Russia has been conducting similar drills with NATO drills being conducted, with Ukraine getting hot. Maybe these drills are just drills for practicing for police state authoritarian control and take over of America, to be honest.. the reason doesn't really matter, because what they are training to do is the same... Martial Law in America.
They are training for complete take over of all aspects of your life. Trade, your day to day activities...
So the government is going to come to me and take over my life, make me a slave because why...? When did the security of the government become more important than the freedom of its citizens?
No one can take away my rights... no one protects my rights... no one but the One.. but God. Sure some one may come and imprison me in chains so I can't move, but I am still free.... someone may cut out my tongue so I can't speak... but I will STILL be free... the food distribution systems may collapse and I will starve... maybe I will starve in the chains I am kept in... but I will starve not because of God but because of the misplaced faith of men... in men..
Ill be back for this.. for now I will stay on track with the date...
So I leave for my date... I check in... tell the hostess I'll be at the bar. I get there 20 minutes ahead of schedule. I stand in the aisle fronting the bar... I didnt want to take up any real estate for the abr tenders, after all I wasn't drinking... I had gone the whole day telling myself I wasn't going to frink on the date... I didnt want to drink on the date...
I message her a little before 730 and let her know I was at the bar... she isn't online...
The poster across from me catches my eye, its a human skull with a crown on top super imposed over a page from the dictionary... “oh boy...” I think to myself...
I message her again at about 7:45 wondering if she is going to make it. She still isn't online.
I stand there for a while.. people working walk by me I can here them thinking “who is this guy...? ...standing...? what is he doing? He's been standing there doing nothing for almost an hour..?”
I forgot to tell you, at about 7:30 some girl rolls in, stands at another post fronting the bar and pulls out her phone... she's texting. I hesitate to go up to her at first... I can't really tell if its her or not.. I figure ill wait to see if she gets online and texts me. This never happens after about waiting 3 minutes so I go over and ask “Jessica?” She gives me this sly smile and says “no, sorry.” I retreat back to my post. After about 10 minutes of texting she walks back out the door and doesn't come back. So I stay down there... I stand.... waiting... for something... I watch as other people come in wait for their dates... sit on the lounge.
Then I start saying to myself, “just go grab a glass of wine, God has answered your prayers... god wants you to be with him not the girl, grab a glass of wine and drink it in homage to him, in memory of his blood that was shed for you...”
I hesitate at first, but relent, and go over to the bar and grab a drink. The bartender had noticed me standing there for a while and probably gathered as much about what was happening, I ask her for a glass of her malbec blend, give her my id and get the cash out to pay her, she gives me a nice pour likely out of pity.
I take a few sips, the wine isn't bad... quite good actually. Especially for the cheapest glass on the list. Still... something's wrong... I don't enjoy it. I milk the glass for a while, fifteen minutes, still not having drunk that much at all, I try taking another sip... eh...
“You don't want to drink this glass, why did you get it?”
I stand by the bar, off to the side on some wall table, I watch other's on their dates.. I was happy watching that... people putting themselves out there... I never really get a chance to appreciate it when I am working at my own restaurant and see people out on their dates.
If I could start a restaurant and didn't have to worry about staying in business or whatever I would make sure I hired people that wanted to take care of people but also not remove themselves from the equation to do so.. have a working environment where they wouldn't have to worry about getting fired if they didn't please some guest... I am going to fucking be that for my shift... if the guest has to wait for something so the fuck what... thats life... cant we just be grateful?
Sometimes you get the people who help you stack the plates, granted it might not always be for the best, but I appreciate nevertheless... the people who say thank you.... I appreciate though I might be thinking about 20 other things I need to get done and may not say you're welcome with the utmost sincerity.
Its hard to be sincere when things become a habit, a ritual.. when your job breaks down the human in you for the sake of rules...
I feel alone for a minute... I pull out my phone and open the king james bible pdf I have on my phone. Sometimes I'll just randomly flip through and read a passage, a chapter, multiple chapters... however much and just try to apply it to my life right now. It is already on the book of John so I slide it around to make it a little more random. I put my finger down to stop the scroll and I landed on a passage... I could make this shit up, but I'm not.
I think I want to type this part out incase someone reads this and can't access something else, or doesnt have the desire to access something else to give them the passage.
“24When the people therefore saw that Jesus was not there, neither his disciples, they also took shipping, and came to Capernaum, seeking for Jesus. 25And when they had found him on the other side of the sea, they said unto him, Rabbi, when camest thou hither?
26Jesus answered them and said, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Ye seek me, not because ye saw the miracles, but because ye did eat of the loaves, and were filled. 27Labour not for the meat which perisheth, but for that meat which endureth unto everlasting life, which the Son of man shall give unto you: for him hath God the Father sealed. 28Then said they unto him, What shall we do, that we might work the works of God? 29Jesus answered and said unto them, This is the work of God, that ye believe on him whom he hath sent. 30They said therefore unto him, What sign shewest thou then, that we may see, and believe thee? what dost thou work? 31Our fathers did eat manna in the desert; as it is written, He gave them bread from heaven to eat. 32Then Jesus said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Moses gave you not that bread from heaven; but my Father giveth you the true bread from heaven. 33For the bread of God is he which cometh down from heaven, and giveth life unto the world. 34Then said they unto him, Lord, evermore give us this bread.
35And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst. 36But I said unto you, That ye also have seen me, and believe not. 37All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. 38For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me. 39And this is the Father's will which hath sent me, that of all which he hath given me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up again at the last day. 40And this is the will of him that sent me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day.
41The Jews then murmured at him, because he said, I am the bread which came down from heaven. 42And they said, Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? how is it then that he saith, I came down from heaven? 43Jesus therefore answered and said unto them, Murmur not among yourselves. 44No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day. 45It is written in the prophets, And they shall be all taught of God. Every man therefore that hath heard, and hath learned of the Father, cometh unto me. 46Not that any man hath seen the Father, save he which is of God, he hath seen the Father. 47Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life. 48I am that bread of life. 49Your fathers did eat manna in the wilderness, and are dead. 50This is the bread which cometh down from heaven, that a man may eat thereof, and not die. 51I am the living bread which came down from heaven: if any man eat of this bread, he shall live for ever: and the bread that I will give is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.
52The Jews therefore strove among themselves, saying, How can this man give us his flesh to eat? 53Then Jesus said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. 54Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. 55For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. 56He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him. 57As the living Father hath sent me, and I live by the Father: so he that eateth me, even he shall live by me. 58This is that bread which came down from heaven: not as your fathers did eat manna, and are dead: he that eateth of this bread shall live for ever. 59These things said he in the synagogue, as he taught in Capernaum.
60Many therefore of his disciples, when they had heard this, said, This is an hard saying; who can hear it? 61When Jesus knew in himself that his disciples murmured at it, he said unto them, Doth this offend you? 62What and if ye shall see the Son of man ascend up where he was before? 63It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life. 64But there are some of you that believe not. For Jesus knew from the beginning who they were that believed not, and who should betray him. 65And he said, Therefore said I unto you, that no man can come unto me, except it were given unto him of my Father.
66From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him. 67Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? 68Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life. 69And we believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God. 70Jesus answered them, Have not I chosen you twelve, and one of you is a devil? 71He spake of Judas Iscariot the son of Simon: for he it was that should betray him, being one of the twelve.” -John 6
So when I finished reading that chapter, I mean I had pasused in awe of the passage and how it applied to what I was doing not only with the wine, with my life... but when I finally finsihsed it.. I looked at my wine glass of which I had drank maybe a quarter of, if that... picked it up and walked over to the bar set it down on the bar, reaching my arm between two people talking, likey on their date... I did not do this consciously and immediately regretted it after, I felt like a dick.... but i just wanted to run out of there to be honest.. I just wanted to get home and get back there to write...
I checked out at the host stand on the way out and walked out on the street down into the subway and headed home. On the way home, on the train I was flipping through POF meet me section.... haha … wow...
When I got home, I made some food and popped on the tv. I have been thinking about watching the Phantom of the Opera for a time now, and I finally went through with it that night, dont ask me why... at least I started it that night. I was watching...
When I was younger, my dad took me to the phantom of the opera with my brother when we went down to NYC for a trip to do as some bonding time... it was a year or two after my parents separated... I have always loved that play, I think even before I went and saw it.. I think I had seen the movie... listened to the music before hand... its a little too fuzzy to know for sure... but the story has stuck with me...
Watching it that night, watching at least the first 20 minutes or so it really stuck with me.. Its the version with Gerard Butler...
The Phantom of the Opera....
I mean that play is pure genius, genius that I keep on realizing now again and again.. I dont think it was the man who wrote that play, looking back on my own writing, looking back on my own life, I think that it was the ghost writer... The level that the play goes to could not have possibly ever been realized wholly by the one writing it...
Anyways... the Opera that is life, a drama, a love. The angel of music comes to Christine in the night, to her he is just an angel teaching her the ways of music, teaching her how to sing. Then jealousy of another man, of Christine affections for another man, forces him to reveal himself to her, to reveal that he is in fact a very real person. Christine struggles with her heart, she loves them both, she struggles with her heart, with the phantom of the opera of life not just the phantom of the opera house, she sees another phantom, she realizes “the phantom of the opera is there, inside my mind.”
I Think about the day that will come when I do have to leave behind my family, forgoing contact for a while. I thought about how I would do it, I thought about if I said good bye literally, if they knew I was leaving for a while, setting out with no particular 'plan' in mind, they might be selfish... my mom would cry... because I would be setting out beyond what she considers safety, beyond the saftey of society.
Safety of society...
She used to call me a dreamer, and not in a good way, when shed ask about my plans for my life, any job prospects, what I wanted to accomplish. She always thought I resented her too, for leaving my dad. I left to live with my Mom because I wanted to, it was never like a custody problem that we had to go through, they never divorced. They were separated 10 years and then got back together. They started getting closer when I moved away to college I saw it happening. Eventually my mom told me she was going to get back together with my dad and move back to my home town, after ten years, after I had moved out. A part of me was upset, I had a lot of resentments toward my Dad as a kid. I felt like he drove my Mom away. Which I think to an extent he did. I worried that my moving out at college made her feel alone in some way, I worried that she was feeling the pressure of being taken care of, being scared she wouldn't be taken care of, and I didn't want that to be the reason she decided to get back together with my Dad. I wanted them to love each other. I told her this, reassured her that I would take care of her but she insisted that it wasn't the reason she decided to get back together with him, that he had been taking strides to improve upon himself, upon his own short comings.
But I think she just said that to put me at ease, and that she didn't want to be a burden to her children, to hold them back.. A part of me wanted to make tons of money, and give it all to my mom so she would never have to worry about it. Money worries has always plagued our family, yet still we always found a way to lease a Mercedes, an Acura, an BMW. I hate what we do to ourselves sometimes... that we oppress ourselves...
Today is apparently my day of doubt, because doubted myself, I thought maybe I was the one being selfish... what could I accomplish by retreating to society so that I don't have to compromise my own morals, what good will I be doing out in the wilderness living off what God has given me, I want to help others, I want to be create positivity and pass it on to others, but who would I be able to do that for if I was living a life of solitude. Sure I'd like to live and be social with others, but ask yourself if you would ever hang out with someone you knew didn't have a home, ask yourself if you saw me on the street maybe looking a little disheveled, a little worn down, no hair cut, maybe a little dirty, would you open up your heart to me? Would you? Would you listen to what I have to say? If tried to strike up a conversation would you dismiss me; ignore me?
I want to live with my people, I love all of you....
But you live under a system which is tearing you apart...
“Secession is the answer, states rights..”
I mean is it really the answer. The reality is that you all are given over to the idea that you need a central government, that you need a government at all. To protect your rights, to protect your property to protect your lives. I mean if your life is all you have, who am I to deny... to deny that form you... just know that you are denying my life from me. My life in Jesus, in truth, in God.
A few days ago I was writing to you about my brother's birthday dinner. My grandparents, my aunt didn't show. There was a storm that was thought to have hit but it ended up being quite a beautiful day.
My brother, I love him so much. I want him so much to realize the realness of God. To him the only thing real is science, if that... based on what the theorists pass off as science nowadays. “I like material things” he says to me sometimes, “what's wrong with that?”
... I try to help him realize how immaterial the material is...
We ended up getting into talking about how I couldn’t even go out to the hills and not be persecuted because according to the government I am a vagrant, on prvate land I am a trespasser. “Who said you owned this land? Did you make this land? What gives you the right? That someone else you are in collusion with has aggreed to back you up on your claim if you back him up on his claim? By whose authority....?”
I have the authority of God and you... you have the authority of man...
“Who gives someone the right to patent an idea? Your idea? Do you own that idea? Can no one ever have that same idea?” I would ask.
“Men can create things my Dad said” getting more frustrated and joinging in on the yelling at me with my brother. Granted my dad has for the entire conversation has tried to keep his cool among the screaming of my sister and brother. He himself, what he knew was being challenged and he got frustrated.
“Men can create, he can create love.” my dad offered. While I did not agree with him, I conceded that point nevertheless, so I could continue on with my point, because it was an interjection of his. But conceding it felt wrong. Does men even create love? Love already existed I feel. Love. The entire fucking world is love, and when men love I feeel like they dont create it, they just feel it. They let themselves feel it, they amplify it....
When they realized ideas were bullet proof they came up with a bullet for idea's, and it came in the form of patent and copyright law....
Do we not see what is happening?
Did you invent the way electromagnetic waves behave!??! What the fuck is property anymore!?!?!
Anyways... the discussion just became me and my brother, one by one my family left the table. My brother would not stop screaming, he felt like he was arguing something because he was screaming, drowning me out. After all who can blame him, the world of men is a world of screams: he who screams loudest is he who society deems right...
“Will thats just a fantasy” my Mom said to me, “maybe in heaven....”
maybe in heaven...
How much have we deferred because someone told us something was just a dream, a fantasy, a fairytale? What might have we accomplished...?
But the world of God is a world of whispers... the world of God is the word... Because when the screams ultimately run their voices ragged and they can no longer speak... all that is left will be the whispers.
I was talking to this lady who came in for an early dinner right before she went out looking at apartments with her son. She related to me how he has changed his major, she worried hes dilly dallying with his school “trying to find himself,” find his passion.
“Nowadays everybody's trying to find their passion, they tell you to find yourself. But who can ever find them self? In the old days you just did what you did not because it was your passion but because it got things done. I am worried he's just milking it.. you know?”
Where have the old days gotten us?? Despite what many might have you believe, society is Wiley coyote already over the cliff, the only thing keeping him from falling is looking down and realizing hes not standing on anything.
So eventually I started yelling so that my brohter could hear me, when I realized he just wont listen no matter what I just said ok.. and said I am not going to argue anymore. That enrages him even more, he starts getting all threatening like he was about to physically attack me.. we're in the kitchen and my mom is standing right there just doing the dishes.. lisetning.. she says she doesn't like it when my dad and brother and sister start screaming to make their points but part of her wants it... she says nothing... just does the dishes and listens to it... then my brother goes on screaming and I lose it... I let him know if he takes this to a physical thing I will subdue him with the utmost of ease. Maybe the phrase “I will fucking lay you the fuck out” was used in there, I don't even know.. I just know I let him know that I was ready to defend myself.
My dad had already retreated to the living room to watch tv but when he heard that things might get out of hand he comes out and says “didn't I tell you to keep your voices down in my house?!? Why are you still screaming?” He was screaming about 20 minutes ago... But when he realized he was he stopped and removed himself.
He went back to the living room to watch tv, my brother resumed his verbal diarrhea, screaming shortly thereafter... my mom still standing there never saying a thing to get my brother reigned in. She even chimes in saying how ludicrous what I am talking about is.... She says nothing to my brother about his aggression, nothing to reign him in.... Instead she tries to tell me that I am living in a dream world... Ohh the irony...
When it was my brother my mom and I all living together in highschool my brother and I never really got along too well he loved me, but he hated me a lot of the time and he often would scream at me senselessly and try to make fun of me or try to degrade my life and what I do, often he would try and fight me, we never really through punches, it was more of a wrestling type of thing... neither of us really wanted to hurt eachotehr, but I was always on the defence letting him know that I wasn't gonna take his shit because he was older or whatever. It was a dominance type of thing with him I think. Though I never just took his physical abuse, I fought him off..
It never got to a physical altercation that night... But it was a similar realizition I had back in the day that really hurt me, this time far more powerful.
I was hanging out with my brother and his friend who was a big guy, we were in his room. They might have been on some drug or whatever or at least his friend might have been, but my brother started giving me shit for something I don't really know and his friend tweaks out over something and open hand punches me in my chest and throws me on my brother's bed. I honestly did not do anything yet my brother didn't say hey get off him or anything or get him off me. I didn't fight back against his friend who was now 326 pounds on top of me, I just started crying and said “get off of me....”
He did... But I wasn't crying over the fact that his friend did this to me, but more of the fact that my brother did nothing... he said nothing.... I went into my room and cried until I fell asleep. His friend ultimately apologized for what he did a month later, maybe my brother said something to him later... but in that moment, he just stood by and watched it happen...
my mom stood by and just watched it happen... she even joined in..
Then I saw the passage I read in the Bible flash in my mind and it broke my heart... pretty badly... I dont think I started crying then, I think I just realized iw as feeeding this hatred of my brothers by even acknowledgeing him and I just stopped I just walked away, he went outside cursing me, saying he would never talk to me again. I thought maybe he would ignore me for another 6 months like he has a habit of doing. My mom went outside too. Than I thought of the passage again and just started crying... I can remember crying more than that one time in my life... which is another story...
When they saw me start to cry immediately they changed their tone, they felt guilt, but I walked away again...
I started to pack up my things in the living room where my dad was watching tv, I tried to hold back my tears and sniffs and gasps but couldn’t but failed miserably at trying to conceal my crying. Still I went about packing up my things. The plan was that my brother was going to give me a ride home, seeing as how he had picked me up, but I couldn’t accept a ride from him, I couldnt accept a ride from them at the time.
At one point in the argument, I posed the question to my sister and my mom, who still go to church, “do you consider yourself christian?” They said yes... and I quoted a bible passage – specifically a quote from Jesus. Which, I cant remember now, but it was something that was in direct opposition to how they were living their lives. They kind of just ignored it, as though he never said it.
“The bible your reading from has mistranslated it....”
“You are misinterpreting that...”
Holy shit, do we see the bull shit we sell ourselves some times.
I mean the passage was clear, the context clear... Still they denied it. It was too inconvenient.
I was saddened that night by that too.. here I was finding God, finding christ and I watched my family denounce everything christ stood for, everything he taught. I was sad that they had turned their backs on god for the sake of their own illusions...
anyways the excerpt(s) that flashed in my head when I was arguing with my brother and my mom chimed in was this, specifically verses 21 and 34-39 and pretty much the whole chapter:
"16Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves. 17But beware of men: for they will deliver you up to the councils, and they will scourge you in their synagogues; 18And ye shall be brought before governors and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them and the Gentiles. 19But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same hour what ye shall speak. 20For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which speaketh in you.
21And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death. 22And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that endureth to the end shall be saved.
23But when they persecute you in this city, flee ye into another: for verily I say unto you, Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel, till the Son of man be come.
24The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his lord. 25It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of his household?”
26Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known. 27What I tell you in darkness, that speak ye in light: and what ye hear in the ear, that preach ye upon the housetops. 28And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. 29Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. 30But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.
32Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. 33But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.
34Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. 35For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. 36And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
37He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. 39He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.”
Matthew 10
This also came to my mind...
“25And there went great multitudes with him: and he turned, and said unto them, 26If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. 27And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple. 28For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? 29Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, 30Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish. 31Or what king, going to make war against another king, sitteth not down first, and consulteth whether he be able with ten thousand to meet him that cometh against him with twenty thousand? 32Or else, while the other is yet a great way off, he sendeth an ambassage, and desireth conditions of peace. 33So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.”
-Luke 14
"6For even thy brethren, and the house of thy father, even they have dealt treacherously with thee; yea, they have called a multitude after thee: believe them not, though they speak fair words unto thee.”
-Jerrimiah 12
I Love God and want to do him but I also loved my family. And I saw how they turned on me when I brought up the truth... I felt torn... I feel torn... Even after I pretty much told them that I would be the homeless man, they still defended the law.... the system... the lie
Anyways... I walked home that night... it was a few miles, my brother felt the need to walk after me for a ways trying to get me to come back so I could give him a ride... he eventually stopped when he got tired and my mom appeared in the car trying to get me to get in... but as sad as it was for me I knew I couldn't, despite how much I wanted to. Though I wasn't shaking off the dust that night I knew that it would come, the day would come when I would need to give up my life for the sake of the gospel, and that this would be the first steps I would take.
Back in the day my mom thought I was unstable... she thought I had a brain tumor... before that she thought I was bipolar... she thought something was wrong with me... When I was just out of highschool a friend of mine showed me some videos about 9/11 and introduced me to that whole cover up... That day he showed me that I became entrenched in a whole nother subculture that and it made a lot of sense... After everything is said and done about 9/11, I found that whther or no the government carried it out, some sect within the government, some other people did, it doesnt really matter to me who at this point. What matters to me is that I was lied to, and I was manipulated. And that is wrong. It made me reexamine everything about the world, and how I was told the world is... and that was a positive thing for me in my life...
I began to research all sorts of stuff, I saw just how dastardly a place the world is. I mean I rexamined EVERYTHING. And who can blame me, I found documentaries by Alex Jones and was blown away by his perspective. I mean false flag terror operations, funding terrorists to overthrow demcratically elected leaders for the sake of an outpost to defend against the encroachment of Russia... at least thats the bullshit we're sold. I reexamined that bull shit.. I reexamined everything... eventually I arrived at reexamining Jesus... religion.. myself...
She was bitter that I was so enthralled in all of the lies, how sick the world was, she thought there was something wrong with me... my whole family thought there was something wrong with me.... because I cared... for minute I began to believe her...
I tried to show them videos, tried to show them the truth, the documents, but it didn't make a difference. It is through this I realized that the reality is right in front of our eyes, the evidence is all there... all the evidence in the world, all the documents isn't going to allow us to accept the reality of the world we live in. WE are too attached to the lie. Because the alternative is frightening.. the world is frightening. How can a man look into the eyes of the devil and not quake with fear... I realize now that this can only be done through faith, faith in God and his faith in us.
“Things are gonna change now,” my brother said to me as he stopped following after me when I was walking back to my apartment that night....
I reassured him that I loved him, but I just had to walk back.....
The next day my Mom called me and I answered, she sounded distraught and I felt responsible for putting her through that... I never wanted to put her through that... I never want her to be sad, in pain.. to be hurting...
She called me and I read her some passages of the bible, I read her the declaration of independence in case that would help her to realize that our society has gone sick since she has seemed so set on ignoring the Bible. I had been trying to get her to read some of the bible but she just cant manage.. She seems to be captivated by our founding fathers, so I use their own words to inspire her to God, to truth, to realize just how far we have fallen...
To help her realize that the state has become the oppressor of, not only my pursuit of life with God, but in life on earth. That I had a duty as an American, as a christian, to not go along with the system that is the oppressor of all of my inherent rights I have been endowed with as a created human being.
If the P.C. Nazis had their way they would erase the declaration of independence from the pages of history and cite the “separation of church and state” as a reason. Can we see what we have become....? …
so my mom calls me, I read her some stuff, I read her those passages I was thinking of that night...
“24Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. 25For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. 26For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? 27For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works.”
-Matthew 16
"57And it came to pass, that, as they went in the way, a certain man said unto him, Lord, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest. 58And Jesus said unto him, Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head. 59And he said unto another, Follow me. But he said, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. 60Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God. 61And another also said, Lord, I will follow thee; but let me first go bid them farewell, which are at home at my house. 62And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9
"46While he yet talked to the people, behold, his mother and his brethren stood without, desiring to speak with him. 47Then one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee. 48But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? 49And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! 50For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.”
Matthew 12
“What a dick...”
Mom, I did not share these with you to scorn you but to comfort you in the tough times that will surly find their way into your life. To let you know that I will always be with you because I am with God and God is with you, and you are with God and him with me.
and I can hear her holding back tears, she tells me she resents God, resents the Bible.... That she didn't want any part of God if this is what he does.....
God keep us... GOD SAVE US!!!
Mom... be still.. “have mercy...” “be humble...”
I love you more than you know... please don't be sad. I am crying now because I know you are hurting as you read this... and that hurts me... but be happy... don't turn away from God but toward him, he will comfort you. Do this, if not for God, if not for yourself, than for me... do it for me Mom... if there was one gift in all of my life I could ask for from you, let this be the one! Be strong! Be happy!
Think of all of the other mothers and their “losses” … at some point someone has to decide enough is enough, I have seen the blood, the cries, the tears,the fire... the rain...
If that future is to be averted people must change, someone must change and if not me, than who? How can I ask someone else to do for me what I myself could not? How could I expect them to...?
“1Behold, a king shall reign in righteousness, and princes shall rule in judgment. 2And a man shall be as an hiding place from the wind, and a covert from the tempest; as rivers of water in a dry place, as the shadow of a great rock in a weary land. 3And the eyes of them that see shall not be dim, and the ears of them that hear shall hearken. 4The heart also of the rash shall understand knowledge, and the tongue of the stammerers shall be ready to speak plainly. 5The vile person shall be no more called liberal, nor the churl said to be bountiful. 6For the vile person will speak villany, and his heart will work iniquity, to practise hypocrisy, and to utter error against the LORD, to make empty the soul of the hungry, and he will cause the drink of the thirsty to fail. 7The instruments also of the churl are evil: he deviseth wicked devices to destroy the poor with lying words, even when the needy speaketh right. 8But the liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand. The Women of Jerusalem 9Rise up, ye women that are at ease; hear my voice, ye careless daughters; give ear unto my speech. 10Many days and years shall ye be troubled, ye careless women: for the vintage shall fail, the gathering shall not come. 11Tremble, ye women that are at ease; be troubled, ye careless ones: strip you, and make you bare, and gird sackcloth upon your loins. 12They shall lament for the teats, for the pleasant fields, for the fruitful vine. 13Upon the land of my people shall come up thorns and briers; yea, upon all the houses of joy in the joyous city: 14Because the palaces shall be forsaken; the multitude of the city shall be left; the forts and towers shall be for dens for ever, a joy of wild asses, a pasture of flocks; 15Until the spirit be poured upon us from on high, and the wilderness be a fruitful field, and the fruitful field be counted for a forest. 16Then judgment shall dwell in the wilderness, and righteousness remain in the fruitful field. 17And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever. 18And my people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, and in sure dwellings, and in quiet resting places; 19When it shall hail, coming down on the forest; and the city shall be low in a low place. 20Blessed are ye that sow beside all waters, that send forth thither the feet of the ox and the ass.”
Isaiah 32
"6For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. 7Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his kingdom, to order it, and to establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even for ever. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will perform this.”
Isaiah 9
In the movie “Jesus of Nazareth” John the baptist is in prison talking to Herod and he says, “before kingdoms change, men must change.”
Maybe you read this before I leave for a while, and this helps you cope and we can say farewell and both know, and you can let me go. I want that so much. But I know you will try and convince me otherwise, that if I were to spring it on you your ego would take over, you wuld be selfish. But be happy that I have given my life for the betterment of more than just my own life, my own family... my own friends...
I was working yesterday, I brought in some food that I made. People enjoyed it a lot. They thanked me, I was glad they enjoyed it. I spent a lot of time the previous day cooking it. I devoted a lot of my life to cooking that food. Then I found myself thinking....
“sure they appreciate the food but there going to walk out of here and forget that food was ever in their stomachs. Maybe they will remember it next time they see me, but after they see me enough they will forget. I'll have left this job in a couple months and they will forget anything about me altogether...”
“They ate the manna from heaven that allowed them to go on living, but will eventually die sustaibs them but they didn't eat it as bread of life eternal that it was meant, they didn't see that it was a demonstration of what could be: living for others, for something greater than themselves. And now look at you, out some 40-50 bucks, time, part of your life now lost... for what!? So they could have their bellys filled? Some of them probably think you did it because you have some absurd desire to be liked, to be seen as a 'nice guy.' You spent half a day cooking that shit... and for what? Shit? How many times have you brought in food and its very few times that people have ever thought to bring in stuff themselves... and when they did they probably did it because they want to be liked... they don't offer it up as bread of life...”
***A few of them are aware that I read the bible, that I call myself christian...***
“They just think that your doing this because your brainwashed, that you think that you will get some sort of reward in heaven.... that you don't genuinely care about others, that you do it for some self satisfaction....”
“..... Maybe they're right?”
Lord... thank you.....
“I see a new horizon... a courage in the distance... my hearts can feel you rising... stirring hope within us... calling out for us... I hear your voice cut through the darkness... calling out for us... cus we cry out for love!!!
greater than our sin... a greater love begins... through the power of your cross.... your love is great in us.... you've taken all our shame.... you've washed it all away... through the power of your cross... your love is great in us...
Your love spans a distance... all our sin forgotten... your calling us to follow... stirring hope within us... your calling out for us... here your voice cut through the darkness... your calling out for us.... cuz we cry out for love!!!
Greater than my hurt... greater than my pain... greater than my hopes... and all.. my.. dreams... greater than my past.. greater than my doubt... greater than my life... your love for me....”
I got the night off tonight.. saturday night.. my money night... my bills money night.. I don't know exactly for what... There was a POF mixer reminder that I got yesterday or the day before, which is tonight. I don't know if I am going to go... There is also the glow yoga thing that my yoga teacher invited me to come by and do.... Maybe ill do that... maybe ill just sit here and write.... about what... I don't know...
On the train out to my date the other night I got a POF text message from a girl... I recently changed my about me section to “Eh.. looking for someone that can love God before me and love me before themself” … my quote “don't judge, just love”.... I think I told you that already.. anyways... she responded to a text I sent her. I didn't say hi like I normally do, “Just like a psychologist to leave the about me section empty” … Haha I prefer to talk about me in a natural conversation. And your “about me” section is not super full though”
“How are you today, Will? I do love God :)” she says in another text message. I get these messages on the train on my way of this date with the girl that stood me up...
Me: “Thats good! I am good tahnks.. its beautiful outside. And i'm doing good inside. How are you?”
Her: “I know weather is getting better. I am very good, too.”
Me: That's good. And I was just teasing in the about me thing. I feel the same that's why I don't. So what say we actually do that?
Her: Haha that we don't like to share our things at the first moment publicly. Idk. But i'm glad you think the same
Me: I meant.. so what say we actually talk about ourselves in natural conversation in person”
Then she doesnt respond for a while. I sent that about the time that I was on newberry street.
The whole night goes by and I eventually get home, make some food, eat it, turn on the phantom, watch some of it... and I am feeling overwhelmed... interpreting this opera... its speaking to me... I pull ou tmy phone and stat flipping through pof... take my mind off things...
“NO” I don't need a girl, god is with me... I set down my phone and decide ill put on Jesus of Nazareth, I felt like god was hugging me.... lying in bed... wrapped in my wool blanket... I was looking out the window for a second and a shooting stat flashed across the sky appearing... good God...
then I get a text message immediately after...
Her: We should
I mean this all happened in that sequence in the matter of seconds...
I felt reassured... Thank you God......
Just now the girl that said she would take my shift tonight decided she couldnt do it so I have to go into work.
…. wow.....
I mean sure I am just interpreting these events and they could just be finding a pattern that isnt there because I look for a pattern...
But wow....
So she seemed ready and willing to go on a date but somehow I have manged to scare her away....she seems hesitant... WE were going to go out on saturday.. but now she is asking me if I wanted to chat on facebook... trying to get some more intel on me...
Oh the walls we build around ourselves are great... lord help us to love again....
Ohh Jerusalem, the walls you have built to defend you are great! Though you may have forsaken God, his Son, he has not forsaken you... repent...
"31The same day there came certain of the Pharisees, saying unto him, Get thee out, and depart hence: for Herod will kill thee. 32And he said unto them, Go ye, and tell that fox, Behold, I cast out devils, and I do cures to day and to morrow, and the third day I shall be perfected. 33Nevertheless I must walk to day, and to morrow, and the day following: for it cannot be that a prophet perish out of Jerusalem. 34O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as a hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not! 35Behold, your house is left unto you desolate: and verily I say unto you, Ye shall not see me, until the time come when ye shall say, Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord.”
Luke 13
“You know my every need... you see my poverty... you are enough for me.. Jesus... You gave the blind their sight... you raised the dead to life... you've done the same for me... Jeeeesus...
You are worthy... you are wise... there is nothing in my life you cannot revive... you are loving... you are wise... there is nothing too hard for our God...
Your word inside of me... my strength my everything... my hope will always be... jeeeeessssuuusssss...
My prayer inside my lungs.. your worthy of my trust.... you will forever be... Jeeeeesus....
You are lovely... you are wise.... there is nothing in my life you cannot revive... you are lovely... you are wise... there is nothing to hard for ouuuuuuurrrrrr Gahhhhhhhd.
And nothing is wasted... you are all things for good... and nothing is wasted... your promise remains... forever you reign....”
I think thats enough for today... gotta get ready for work now...... birthday time tomorrow... getting together with the fam.... likely wont be back then... I am on their time
If I said god revealed to me what the future holds, would you belive me? If I said I had a vision, maye I just saw it myself, and ill elave the term God out of it, would you believe me? If hundreds of people stood behind me and said they had the same vision, would you believe us?
I want to believe that you would.. I want to...
But something tells me that the masochist in man will not be sated until fire consumes him, until he finds himself naked, hungry and alone.
Nevertheless, I will issue a warning, a prayer, that we relent... because I have heard the Lord God say that we either get through this together or not at all.. or he will wipe the slate clean and start all over again.
I have seen persecution of those who attempt to do so in the future, “take comfort in your persecution my children” says the lord, “for your mercy has made my harvest all the more bountiful.”
"24Another parable put he forth unto them, saying, The kingdom of heaven is likened unto a man which sowed good seed in his field: 25But while men slept, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat, and went his way. 26But when the blade was sprung up, and brought forth fruit, then appeared the tares also. 27So the servants of the householder came and said unto him, Sir, didst not thou sow good seed in thy field? from whence then hath it tares? 28He said unto them, An enemy hath done this. The servants said unto him, Wilt thou then that we go and gather them up? 29But he said, Nay; lest while ye gather up the tares, ye root up also the wheat with them. 30Let both grow together until the harvest: and in the time of harvest I will say to the reapers, Gather ye together first the tares, and bind them in bundles to burn them: but gather the wheat into my barn.”
- Matthew 13
As they poke and prod, tempting you to stray, resist. Lift your eyes up; behold! The kingdom of heaven is at hand! The good Shepard comes for his sheep. Set your eyes on his vision; his kingdom; his love. Do this and the path will be made clear for the lord! Take comfort that you are not forgotten and know that it is not you who has wrought their woes but their own denial of the lord God, almighty. Their prodding is really a lost soul crying out to be saved. Remember, Jesus came not to call the Righteous but to call the sinners to repentance. Are you greater than your lord? Does something allow you to not forgive them after they have stripped you bare, driven nails through your hands and feet and set you
“I am not greater, that is why I can't do what he asks...”
Do you buy that? Do you think that is sufficent? That sounds like an excuse... that sounds convenient...
You are not greater but you are no less endowed than him. You are capable, you are powerful, you are a christian will!
"13Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. 14Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. 15Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. 16Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you. 17These things I command you, that ye love one another.
18If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you. 19If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you. 20Remember the word that I said unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you; if they have kept my saying, they will keep yours also. 21But all these things will they do unto you for my name's sake, because they know not him that sent me. 22If I had not come and spoken unto them, they had not had sin: but now they have no cloke for their sin. 23He that hateth me hateth my Father also. 24If I had not done among them the works which none other man did, they had not had sin: but now have they both seen and hated both me and my Father. 25But this cometh to pass, that the word might be fulfilled that is written in their law, They hated me without a cause.
26But when the Comforter is come, whom I will send unto you from the Father, even the Spirit of truth, which proceedeth from the Father, he shall testify of me: 27And ye also shall bear witness, because ye have been with me from the beginning.”
John 15
You are not a servant, to Jesus but a friend, someone every bit as capable.
One of the biggest things that bothered me about the catholic church growing up is I felt that they kind of saw him as some kind of ritual sacrifice, not an example. Their doctrines bult him up like he was some kind of alien sent to us by another, superior race. They started to try and make him untouchable. But that is some bullshit. You are a man sent to earth by god too. For christ's sake!!!
This is what he taught in the bible, that the kingdom is within, that “ye are gods”... nevertheless, those who claim to be christian will one day persecute this very teaching... just as the jews persecuted Jesus back then.
Is th
Last night I had a dream... I was at the house that my mother grew up in, the house that my aunt lived in befire she died, the house that another of my aunts ives in now.... We used to have family gatherings iat that house all the time;play games. It had this big yard that we could play in. There was something magical about that house for me, almost mythical..
Anyways... I was there with a bunch of aquaintantces, and someone I work with at the restaurnat I work at now was in it... Athey knew I was writing something, it was this that I am writing right now, and they decieded to go into my computer and and print it and read it without my consent, I found out and was furious and tried to stop them from reading any further, I grabbbed the printed copy he was reading, but something in me knew it was too late, that everything was already out there, that they had printed off more copies or what not....
Yesterday I found myself questioning whether or not to release what I have written here. I was worried what people might think, what people might say. I thought about my friends, my coworkers frst. Then I thought what my family might say. I worried they all would think me nuts... “i heard the lord god say”... I mean who the fuck won't think im nuts.... When this is published I think this will help to break down walls for me.... I wonder how much of them will think I am officially nuts... I mean my aunt who is very religious and lives by herself, everyone manages to think she is crazy or something, extreme... She goes over there and tries to talk about religion, about jesus, they just write off what she is saying. They ignore what she says because she is saying it, they think she is trying to be some kind of prophet.
“Look at Lindy, noone wants to talk to her or hang out with her now because they dont want to sit there and be told how wrong what they are doing in their live is,” my mom would say this about my cousins and family that live near my aunt and dont visit her as much as my aunt would like. “Lindy used to be the worst about partying and what not, it wasn't until she was 40-45 that she had a spiritual awakening.”
My Aunt doesn't come to family parties often too, why I don't know. I just wish she would. I worry that my family, my friends, the world wont listen to what I have to say because of the man that I am... the man that I was.
In my dream I grew upset that they surreptitiously went into my life, that they saw what I wasn't ready for them to see, I cried and kicked him out, then other's at the party came to his defence, started chastising me for what I wrote, about my life. I kick them out too. Then the house was empty, it was just me...
Me and someone else who was still and just there....
Then my mom came home and she knew that I had people over and I was out on the back porch... and I can't really remember what else... I remember at one point in my dream I was in the back yard, chasing after this baby dear and when I got close, the mother stopped to get between me and the baby dear...
It reminds me now of the time I was driving on a back road in upstate new york, and in the middle of the road I saw an animal lying down in the middle of the road.. it didn't move as my car approached. I stopped the car and got out. It was a baby faun.. just lying there in the middle of the road. I thought that it was hurt at first but I realized it was just lying there.. I get right next to it, squat down right next to it. It doesnt move it just is looking at me. I dont see any blood. I stroke its back. And then it pops up and hops off into the bush next to the road. I look after it... curious. Then as I turn back to face the other side of the road and get back into my car, I see the mother dear just standing on the side of the road watching me... I get back into my car and start driving.
Wheni got up this morning I wanted to get back on my computer and relate the events of that dream, but instead I hop on the internet, check infowars; see whats going on in the big world outside.
One of the main stories they had posted for the morning was a video of these two black youths harassing this young to middle aged young man on the train. They asked him to use his phone, the white man declines. Then they ask him about Michael Brown, he says he doesn't want to talk, then one man sucker punches him in the face. When he realizes what he had done, he just starts unloading, wailing on him, his friend joins in. Everyone on the train is watching, not saying anything. Laughs can even be heard by some of the bystanders.... I felt more anger toward the people on the train than I did toward the men on the train. I felt more anger toward the so called leaders of today, the leaders who allow this kind of mentality to propagate and go unchecked, un-rebuked....
I mean we look at videos of the klu klux clan in the streets 60, 70 years ago or so chanting “White power” and look at the disgust, we point out the flaw of this mentality, but nothing is done when we see black panthers, or whoever else, gathered in the streets chanting 'black power' or 'oink oink, bang bang.' Do we see whats happening. The enemy is dividing us, so that we can't stand together in opposition to the tyranny, the oppression of the state, of the ego. The enemy distracts us, points us towards scape goats.
When I got to work yesterday, I told a coworker of minewho I talk about meaningfull stuff with sometimes that I wasn't doing too great when he asked me how I was doing. He asked so I gave him the truth... Then he asked why, so I told him, “I feel like I saw the end of the world man.” I related to him the seauence of events I saw unfolding. I told him about the drill for martial law being conducted right now throughout the country. I told him about the dissatisfaction of many people in america with the federal government, I told him of the secession movement. I related to him that the federal government is using these martial law training scenarios to train for quelling secession and keeping states in line. Essentially civil war. He doesn't think that many people care enough to secede, he has no faith in people, that they wont stand together against an oppressor. I told him about not payng taxes, he doesnt think that people would stand together, that people dont have the sense of duty to put themselves through persecution for a greater cause.
I heard Satan speaking through this man. All of the reasons why we shouldn't stand up and do whats right.... He told me its a lot harder to actually do it. We talked about if I don't want to pay taxes, directly or indirectly I literally have to become a hermit in the woods. Because if I work as a waiter even though I get paid cash tips they still take taxes from my hourly pay automatically. If work in a place that doesn’t take out taxes automatically than they just garnish my wages through my check If I lease a place I am on the books and they come take everything that I own.
“15Then went the Pharisees, and took counsel how they might entangle him in his talk. 16And they sent out unto him their disciples with the Herodians, saying, Master, we know that thou art true, and teachest the way of God in truth, neither carest thou for any man: for thou regardest not the person of men. 17Tell us therefore, What thinkest thou? Is it lawful to give tribute unto Caesar, or not? 18But Jesus perceived their wickedness, and said, Why tempt ye me, ye hypocrites? 19Shew me the tribute money. And they brought unto him a penny. 20And he saith unto them, Whose is this image and superscription? 21They say unto him, Caesar's. Then saith he unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's. 22When they had heard these words, they marvelled, and left him, and went their way.”
Matthew 22
He told me that surviving in the bush is a lot harder than it seems. I reassure him that I am aware of the difficulties to be faced. If I live with someone paying taxes, sure I myself may not be paying taxes but whats the difference if I pay them or someone pays them for me.
This is a prayer, this that America wont oppress me. That I don't have to leave to the woods. I want so badly to live in society. I want society not to hate me... Rise up America! Not to arms... because that is what the government wants. They will provoke you and maybe institute martial law should you try to secede, maybe they come take your guns or whatever. To the military please, stay your anger, don't let loose punches of frustration. They want us to be divided, but America will stand! America will stand united! To the rest of america, don't stand idly by and watch, and laugh, as your fellow states stand up to the face of aggression, of injustice. Through stand with your fellow states being oppressed by a federal government that longer serves the interests of the people it governs. Stand in front of your brother being bruised and beaten by the frustrated lashings out of ignorance.
I am out there my friends, my American brothers and sisters, in the United states and in the world. I stand with you, I stand for you. Will you stand with me!?
Yesterday I was talking about the catholic church, how it frustrated me. On my walk to work I thought of my aunt who died of lung cancer. She used to go to church but used to always arrive in time for communion, she didnt want to miss that because she needed to eat that wafer if she wanted to get into heaen, at least thats what I thought she thought. And even if she didnt, the church certainly allows that idea to persist, and that bothers me. That they just have some kind of special power to make this bland, paper like cardboard pass for not only food but the bread that gets you into heaven. That you just have to go to confession and you are allllll good. That there is some kind of exclusive, limited time bargain they had that we had to capitalize on while supplies last.
It bothers me that they don't make more of an effort to remind people that jesus taught that it isnt about rituals but a true heart... If you really are sorry, why is it that you come in every confession confessing the same thing every week?
Jesus taught that god wants the law written, not on tablets of dead stone, but in our hearts.
"7But if the ministration of death, written and engraven in stones, was glorious, so that the children of Israel could not stedfastly behold the face of Moses for the glory of his countenance; which glory was to be done away: 8How shall not the ministration of the spirit be rather glorious? 9For if the ministration of condemnation be glory, much more doth the ministration of righteousness exceed in glory. 10For even that which was made glorious had no glory in this respect, by reason of the glory that excelleth. 11For if that which is done away was glorious, much more that which remaineth is glorious.
12Seeing then that we have such hope, we use great plainness of speech: 13And not as Moses, which put a vail over his face, that the children of Israel could not stedfastly look to the end of that which is abolished: 14But their minds were blinded: for until this day remaineth the same vail untaken away in the reading of the old testament; which vail is done away in Christ. 15But even unto this day, when Moses is read, the vail is upon their heart. 16Nevertheless when it shall turn to the Lord, the vail shall be taken away. 17Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 18But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.”
2 Corinthians 3
"1Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. 2Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. 3But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: 4That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.
5And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. 6But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
7But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking. 8Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.
9After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. 10Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. 11Give us this day our daily bread. 12And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. 13And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen. 14For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: 15But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
-Matthew 6
It was like the catholic church affords people to continue to wallow in sin. Trivializing themselves, glorifying Jesus as something we should not aspire to, that to do so would just be a dream... a fantasy. They treated Jesus like the mystery schools, leaving the clues there for someone trying find their way to Jesus but never really acted as a devoted Shepard.
Today in your hearing, the prophecy has been fulfilled. The church of peter has become a rock, on which christ will build his church...
I wonder hat lies will the federal government; will the ego, cook up about us Americans to justify their own persecution of us who are free....
“They molest children...”
“They aren't paying their fair share...”
“They are dreamers...”
“The world doesn’t work that way...”
Few people will ever accept the truth, they cling to tight to the concept of securing themselves, to the concept of property.... but let me ask you... hwat do you really own anyways? Your idea of proeprty is just an illusion. If the moment you stop paying taxes than all your property is automatically forefit to the government, do you really own your property or are you just leasing that property?
Do you own that land or do you lease it?
The reality is that you are not owners but caretakers.
I thought about the song “this land is my land” a few times over the past year, and boy is it a powerful song.
“This land is my land, this land is your land, this land was made for you and me!”
I will speak the truth, and many will flail in anger, they will lash out, anything to distract them from facing it, they like their illusions. They have fallen for the lie that ignorance is bliss... but you know the truth... they know the truth no matter how much they try to turn from know everything I am saying already... what I say is not something new but a revelation, the peeling away of the curtains of the self.
And the truth will eat away at them, they will edge closer and closer, the titde of truth will continually draw them closer despite their greatest efforts.
I am reminded of what my dad told me about rip tides when I would be swimming in the ocean, that if I get sucked under. He warned me not to fight it trying to swim out of it, lose my breath and drown, but instead to let it take me so I can keep my breath longer until it will eventually bring me to the surface.
My Dad... I love him... one of the fondest memories I have of him is when I was a kid I had a really bad ear ache I was crying it was so bad... it felt like nothing would ever stop the pain, then my dad told me to come over to him, I sat next to him, and he put his arms around me as we sat on the couch, he held my head close to his chest, close to his heart. And I felt the pain slowly fade away.
I found myself thinking of my dad earlier this morning... When we were younger he would take us to red sox games, not the best seats, but that didn't really matter. I would always wear my Boston Redsox hat and bring my glove in case a foul ball would come flying my way, I wanted to be ready....
I remember walking in the sea of people, wading in and out, dodging left and right, just trying to keep my eyes on my dad as we made our way through the crowd. I remember getting lost back one time and I stayed where I was off to the side, and my dad came back and got me. I loved getting a nice hotdog with relish with my Dad and enjoying it with my dad and my brother at the game. I am grateful for those days..
Well thats enough for now... gotta get ready to to my parents.... until next time...
Welll.. I made it back... the sun is out shinging. Today started out with snow. Then the sun came out for a bit. Then I fell asleep watching the Pirates of the Carribean. I wanted to get on my computer and finish the website but I think before I do that I have to hash out a little bit more, after my day yesterday at my parents celebrating my birthday.
I realized yesterday that my mother won't ever turn to god until I leave. I also told her this morning after watching into the woods, that I wont be renewing my lease and that I would be coming home come july. She doesn’t want me to, I know its not because she doesn’t want to see me but because she wants me to get on with my life. She told me she was worried about me about my plan. She told me at I am at a time in my life where I have to lay a foundation of a career that I will be able to build on as I get older. She tried to council me, granted for sure I shouldn’t plan on being a server my whole life, because it does have its physical limitations. This however I already realized.
I reassured her that while I may not have the strongest foundation for my life, for my career, I told her that she doesn’t need to worry about me because I have my foundation in Christ. I read her some quotes from the bible about foundations:
"6And wisdom and knowledge shall be the stability of thy times, and strength of salvation: the fear of the LORD is his treasure.”
-Isaiah 33
"10According to the grace of God which is given unto me, as a wise masterbuilder, I have laid the foundation, and another buildeth thereon. But let every man take heed how he buildeth thereupon. 11For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ.”
-1 Corinthians 3
"14Wherefore hear the word of the LORD, ye scornful men, that rule this people which is in Jerusalem. 15Because ye have said, We have made a covenant with death, and with hell are we at agreement; when the overflowing scourge shall pass through, it shall not come unto us: for we have made lies our refuge, and under falsehood have we hid ourselves:
16Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD, Behold, I lay in Zion for a foundation a stone, a tried stone, a precious corner stone, a sure foundation: he that believeth shall not make haste.”
Isaiah 28
"24Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: 25And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock. 26And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: 27And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.”
Matthew 7
"42Jesus saith unto them, Did ye never read in the scriptures, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes?
43Therefore say I unto you, The kingdom of God shall be taken from you, and given to a nation bringing forth the fruits thereof. 44And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.”
-Matthew 21
"4To whom coming, as unto a living stone, disallowed indeed of men, but chosen of God, and precious, 5Ye also, as lively stones, are built up a spiritual house, an holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices, acceptable to God by Jesus Christ.
6Wherefore also it is contained in the scripture, Behold, I lay in Sion a chief corner stone, elect, precious: and he that believeth on him shall not be confounded.
7Unto you therefore which believe he is precious: but unto them which be disobedient, the stone which the builders disallowed, the same is made the head of the corner,
8And a stone of stumbling, and a rock of offence, even to them which stumble at the word, being disobedient: whereunto also they were appointed.
9But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light: 10Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.”
1 Peter 2
"2There is none holy as the LORD: for there is none beside thee: neither is there any rock like our God.”
1 Samuel 2
"4He is the Rock, his work is perfect: for all his ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is he.”
-Deuteronomy 32
She tried to convince me that I needed to have some kind of plan, she tries citing scriptures like “seek and you shall find” about getting a job....
I pull up one last quote for her before I leave, trying to get her to not to worry about me. I try to tell her that your worry is not for me but her own self, because I am happy, I have made a firm foundation in God:
"25Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? 26Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? 27Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? 28And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: 29And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.”
Matthew 6
I giver her a hug good bye but it feels empty, feels robotic. I give her a hug again and I hold her there, I feel her release, I feel her let go in my arms. I open my arms and step back keeping my hadn on her shoulder.
She relents that I am right. I tell her to just be happy I am with her right now. She thinks of the people who died on the flight where the pilot purposefully crashed the plain, thinking of all of those people who probably never appreciated the present, always looking forward to tomorrow.
“It's just so hard to put all of your faith, how do you know f he real, he can't be seen...”
“Seek and you shall find,” I tell her as I am walking out the door... Then we walk out together and we say goodbye with the normal pleasantries...
That was this morning... I felt tired even after having slept about 8-9 hours on the couch. I eventually fell asleep watching pirates of the carribean, and turned off the movie. As I am sleeping I am awakended by my phone ringing.
“The force will be with you, always,” my ringtone reassures me.
I reach to the table, eyes still struggling to function. I try to make out who it is calling me, I see that it is my Mom. I answer it with the hope that maybe something I said stuck with her, something I said stirred something that got her to seek and maybe she was calling to talk about it with me. I answer it...
“Hi Will. I can't figure out how to get the TV working, you messed it up this morning watching your movie..” Dissapointed but not upset, I reassure her that I didnt change anything and it should have worked. I hear her fumbling with the remote, shes not really asking me for me to help her, just meddling around hitting buttons really.
“I stay silent,” I can hear her hurriedly just mindlessly trying different things hoping that she puts it on the right mode. When She realizes I havent said anything I ask her if she's done, and not in a spiteful way. But literally just wondering if she was going to let me help her. I tell her all she needs to do is push input on the remote for the tv until she sees what looks to be like cable. Problem solved. She says “oh yeah, there it is.” She tries to talk about other stuff but not really wanting to talk so I giver her an escape and spare her the pleasentries, and let her know that I was napping and shouild go. So we say good bye and I lay there on the couch for a minute. Then I think... I about the day, I think about what has been revealed to me, what might further be revealed if I get on here and start writing. I was going to try and get the website done but I think that this is more important.
Sooo.... I felt like I lost something yesterday. I felt like I betrayed God. I had doubt. I had my doubt when I was talking about stuff with my grandparents, my parents and my aunt. I had brought up about who they think the presidential front runners, the favorites. WE got to talking about all of the likely candidates.
“I dont like Rand Paul, he seemed to waver when he was asked about something,” my Mom said at one point.
“Well maybe thats what you want in a president, someone who can be critical of themselves at times, someone who is capable of critical thinking, someone whois capable of admitting that they might not have the right answer,” I offer.
Then my grandfather chimes in and says “when it comes down to it and its time to get to the voting booth I am not going to vote for someone who is best for the job, but I am going to vote for someone who is going to win.”
It was pretty much the consensus. I expressed that its wrong to do that, because it contradicts the entire purpose of ...
Sorry... I looked up out m window and saw the setting sun's light hitting the clouds, it was a loving pink... I felt god with me at that moment. I had the urge to run out to the reservoir and watch as the sun set on the horizon. Buildings obscured it from any near by location. I threw on my boots, sweat shirt and coat and hat and ran down the stairs. I ran down the sidewalk past all of the stores where many people were going in and out o, and walking along. I made sure not to run too fast as to hit someone. I was so excited... I just wanted to catch the sun before it went down. I ran by a man who I knew was asking for money, I had seen him and given him money before in the same area. He looked at me as I ran by. I couldnt understand what he was saying but I assumed he was asking for money. I looked at him and said “hi” as our eyes met. I got to the main intersectin and traffic was going by... I had to stop and wiat for the traffic to go. I was getting antsy. I probably could have stopped and given the man some money. The way he asked for money was like he was just reciting something. He never really asked anyone directly, he never addressed anyone as they walked by... Nevertheless I continued on determined to make it to the reservoir before the sun went down. The walk light signaled that it was ok to cross and I was off. I passed a runner runnning his way to the reservoir too, I wasn't holding anything back. I got to the stairs and realized that I had just missed it. I began to walk up the stairs rather than run. Before I got to the stairs I thought I saw someone standing next to the reservoir building to the side so I went to the other. I didn't want to intrude.
I stood there looking off across the water. There was a steady breeze, it was a little chilly. I found myself thinking about me sitting here writing this, relating what I would say. Trying to commit to memory everything that happened. When I first got up there I moved off to the left of the house so that I could catch the full scope of the radiant set sun. I stood there.. just looking off. Two girls walking by me a minute after I was standing there passed behind me then stopped and pulled out their phones and took a picture...
I felt sad that I missed the sunset, but I was still happy that I left my apartment. That I gave it a shot. I stood there. I tried to clear my head. I started crying. I dont really know if it was a natural phenomenon from the cold steady gentle breeze blowing in my face right off the water or if it was due to my reverence and genuflection. I thought about what happened yesterday, what I will relate to you shortly. Il try and get to it tonight, if not I'll tackle it tomorrow. Before I got there though, I felt like god had answered me like my doubt had been softened.
Earlier today I had the urge to masturbate. I didn't, but still, it felt like it was right. At the grcery store that day I was getting some cheese and grapes and some ingredients to make a pasta, using the gift certificate my sister got me for my birth day. I had left the bottles of wine she got me at my parents because I didn't want them. But today, today I wanted to get some wine and drink it. Then, I didn't want to...
When I was standing by the reservoir I prayed, I prayed for the answers to put down here, I prayed that I would have the answers to my doubt so as to not mislead anyone. I prayed that I do god's will and not my own.
Last night, after my sister, grandparents and aunt had left to go back home, it was just my brother, mom, dad and I sitting in the living room. My brother was showing my dad this video of a BMW M3 driving on the Nuremberg ring. My mom and I somehow got to talking about JFK, she was talking about how it was the mob that killed him and whatever. I entertained it, but I told her, “if it really was the mob than why wouldn’t the government just arrest the people responsible, why would they cover it up. They would only cover it up if it would somehow compromise the image of our own government. There are very few people, or organizations that are capable of carrying out a presidential assassination, let alone that would want to.”
She wondered why someone might want to kill JFK. I tell her that before he was assassinated he was set to carry out dramatic changes to government that would upset the status quo. I didn't get into the fact that he had come out and done Executive Order 11110 which basically stripped the Rothschild Bank, the Federal Reserve, of its power to loan money to the United States Federal Government at interest. It essentially returned to the United States federal government, specifically the Treasury Department, the Constitutional power to create and issue currency without going through the privately owned Federal Reserve. Because who knows, maybe it was for this reason.
Ultimatly I didn't, and still don't know for sure, but still I poitned her toward the speech he gave a couple of years before because while the Federal Reserve narrative seems plausible, it was just one thing. What was really the threat was the philosphy that he brought; a philosophy that to many could be seen as too radical for the president and could ultimately leave the united states vulnerable. And maybe tehy'd be right... but ill get to that... later...
Earlier today I found myself looking up a church that was in boston. Last year when I was driving through cleveland circle there were people out handing out pamphlets and inviting people to join them for bible stuy and worship. It was the International Christian Chruch of boston. Today I was trying to find their website and came across this sit ethat had this quote on it:
“We have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use dception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God.” 2 Corinthians 4:2
I am reminded of that night when I walked home after my brohters birthday party. Earlier that night my mom and sister denied excerpts from the bible, quotes from jesus, after I asked them if they called themselves christians, given that they go to church frequently. Then, when I was packing up to leave my mom cites jesus and how he preaches forgiveness, and how right she was. And I did forgive me brother, but does forgiving my brother mean that I have to go along with what they want me to do, that I have to get a ride with them. Notice manipulative assosication, not only of the word of god but about forgiveness. I dont hold it against my mother that she said that.
I did say “how dare you” when she cited Jesus when it was convenient for her own will. I didn't hate her for it though, it just saddened me even more. She did it today too with the “seek and you shall find” thing... oh boy... I wish she would just pick up a bible.. watch Jesus of Nazareth or any of the videos I ask her to watch...
The speech of JFK's was essentially about how the “The very word 'secrecy' is repugnant in a free and open society; and we are as a people inherently and historically opposed to secret societies, to secret oaths and to secret proceedings” and it was about him asking the press to be prudent with what it is they report given the nature of the Cold War. He made it clear “The question is for you alone to answer. No public official should answer it for you. No governmental plan should impose its restraints against your will.”
My will... my responsibility...
I mean he was just talking about the news here, but the philosophical implications of a government that functions like that... I mean its no wonder the man was assassinated.
At some point my brother left, but before he did I remember him throwing his two cents in as I was showing my mom the video of those black youths beating up this white man and everyone standing by and watching, some even encouraging and laughing.
“You don't want to watch that,” my brohter chimed in. Then he goes off on a tirade about how at our primal level we are just a bunch of primal beasts...
I felt shame that my own brother has been reduced by the world of men, by himself, to view people in this way. I know somewhere inside he knows that its a lie, that he knows we are much more. I just want him to remember so badly...
Immediately I wanted to warn her. “ That's not very christian I said.”
Anyways, my mom and I got to talking about evil men and about heaven and hell. She explained to me how she thinks heaven is something that we create for ourselves, that we are our own tormentors. To be honest I wasn't inclined to disagree. I felt like there was a truth to that. But she also said that she relished in the fact that people who do evil will burn in hell.
I felt scared for my mother, I want her to forgive. I tried to remind her of when Jesus saved the prostitute from being stoned when he said to the mob “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” I reminded her of the parable of the prodigal son, who even after he dishonored himself and his father and sinned, his father ultimately forgave him upon his repentance.
“11And he said, A certain man had two sons: 12And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living. 13And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living. 14And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want. 15And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. 16And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him. 17And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! 18I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, 19And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. 20And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. 21And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. 22But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: 23And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: 24For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.
25Now his elder son was in the field: and as he came and drew nigh to the house, he heard musick and dancing. 26And he called one of the servants, and asked what these things meant. 27And he said unto him, Thy brother is come; and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he hath received him safe and sound. 28And he was angry, and would not go in: therefore came his father out, and intreated him. 29And he answering said to his father, Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends: 30But as soon as this thy son was come, which hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf. 31And he said unto him, Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine. 32It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.” -Luke 15
"21Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
23Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. 24And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. 25But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. 27Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. 28But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. 29And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. 30And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. 31So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. 32Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: 33Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? 34And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. 35So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.” -Matthew 18
I reminded her to be humble so that she herself can recognize when she has sinned, so that she may repent.
"1At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? 2And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, 3And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. 4Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. 6But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea....
18Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” -Matthew 18
I worried that she is the unforgiving servant. I want her to forgive others, I want her to want others to forgive themselves so that “the prodigal son” can return to their father. I don't want her to spurn god because of this truth.... as though it was somehow unjust... I worry that her lack of pity for them will she ultimately have for herself... I worry that she thinks that she is beyond reproach...
I remember a while ago my mom and my sister were talking about going to heaven and being with my family who have passed, as if they had somehow had a reservation and were guaranteed a spot... For me this is the greatest blasphemy of the Catholic church, that it persuades people to think this way. That by ritual they are redeemed... that they are redeemed by the authority of men...
I am gonna turn in and be back tomorrow...