Give a dog a bone...
Yours. Truly. | Sunday, April 12, 2015 -- 2:42 PM EDT
Is there anybody out there?
I am back... another day... I am getting stronger....
Yesterday.. before work I found this video of a pastor who's sermon was about us reaching out to touch God, I can't really go into it too much because I think its something that will be too dificut to relate... but it was about the woman who jesus had perceived touched him and healed her through faith. I tasted my own tears...
I was in tears for a lot.... I think that I was more crying because I know that though I sometimes feel alone... god is with me... god does not forsake me... “I have all of the holy spirit... but its the holy spirit that doesn't have all of me...” and I know now that God is there waiting for me... he is calling for me... reaching out I just need to reach out and embrace... At the end of the video.... he called for those needing the lord to come and touch them to raise up their hands... no one was around... yet still I found it difficult for me to raise my hand.... Why....?
But I ultimately raised it, and when I raised it I felt like couldn’t raise it high enough... like “if I could but touch..”
I have a will... I have been given dominion over the world and its not enough for me to just believe I have to act... I cant just wait for someone else, I can wait for God to do it for me... I have to act.... yes God is the good lord who has gone away for a season, who has built up this great vineyard with a tower, and irrigation and given it to me to look after, I wont be my own opressor... I wont oppress the lord and his servants, his son.... Because isn't that what I have done with my life...?
I remember looking at the videos of those preachers and just thinking “man look at all those crazy people hopping around. Look at this man getting all crazy, dancing around the stage speaking with a crazy voice....” But what about the message..? I never listened... Sure I didn't I have rejected his servants, I have shunned his emissary.. I have neglected his son who has come in the name of truth and righteousness, ignored his word.... no more.
I want to say to the lord upon his return that I did my best to keep t...... I have said to the lord “spare that tree one more season... I will tend to it tenderly... tilling the earth... fertilizing it... grooming its branches... if it does not bring forth fruit after that, then cut it down lest it draw nutrients from the earth that could be used by other plants that bring forth fruit...” Because I know that when the lord comes that tree will wither at his will, no matter how healthy the tree, because it has not brought forth fruit. I want to bring forth fruit. I want to make my nation the nation to which the kingdom of god is given not taken. I want to break on that stone so that I may be put back together in the way God intended, not ground to powder by the stone when it falls on me and cast to the wind in every which direction.
I have asked for mercy... that the lord forgive my debts so as to not take away my family, I will also be merciful now, now that my time has come to repay my debts.... Humble is the lord and so too shall I be because no servant is greater than his lord... I will strive to be the friend of my lord... And I will do this...
I can do this.... not because others will help me... lord knows I will be alone... but he is with me... lord knows I want to love... others... one other... but am I loving that other or am I really loving me... I want to love the lord first... And isn't that where we have gone wrong? we have put ourselves before the bigger picture.... Have we not seen what is becoming and refused to acknowledge our own roles have we negelected our own responsibility. Your tax dollars go toward something... can you honestly say that they go toward something that represents you?
“well not entirely... but its all we have...”
oh ye of little faith....
“man the cool aid this guy drank must be dank... Jman this guy is a fucking righteous dick... what high horse is he on... what tough decisions has he ever had to make... you couldn't fathom the shit I have had to deal with... the choices I have had to make... Your not a father... you couldn't possibly understand... you couldn't... understand...”
….
“you are using religion to guide your thoughts, religion, which has been used to manipulate and control the masses for as long as history, thats all what he is saying is... just another way to make us more easily controlled by others...”
Oh contrare... have you even bothered to understand what I am saying, or are you just ignoring it because it makes things easier for you, more convenient. How could I possibly be trying to manipulate you when I have come warning you about manipulation itself... that you are being manipulated... that you are powerful... that you are change... not barrack obama... that you make things happen.. you have a will and your will matters... I am making you aware that dreams matter and that before things become real, there was dream... and a will that knew that dream could be real...
“but you are trying to make me use my will to something that isn't something that is my will... I want to live life I want to travel, I want to go skiing in the andes... I want...”
I am trying to make you aware that your will is not to do these things... that this is something you have been conditioned from before you can remember to associate with yourself, that what you want isn't what you want but what someone else has told you it is what you want, maybe it was never told to you explicitly by someone, maybe it was just suggested by a commercial, or a movie... or a someone else's life.. or maybe it was someone in your head you didn't realize was there because, after all, you would have to be crazy to admit that there is someone in your head suggesting things to you..... right? And you don't want to be crazy... Maybe you want based on what other people think you should want....
If I was trying to control you... would I be raising these questions? I want you to realize the truth.... I want the truth! What I want is for us to realize that if we continue down the road of doing the will of Joe Shmo.... the road can only end in fire and brimstone... its the inconvenient truth that we choose to avoid for no other reason than cognitive convenience.
your will is to love... and if doing those other things comes at the cost of love.. is that really what you will.. I am here to help you realize your will, help you realize yourself, so that you can realize your will.. I am here to help you.. to let you know you are not alone.... even in the darkest corners of your mind... when you come face to face with that somone who has been whispering what your will is for so long...
I am...
Who...? Joe Shmo? God? Both?
Is everyone a God? Are we a part of God?
I am here to point out that you trying to put your kid through college may not necesarilly be the best thing for your kid, that your efforts to do that has detracted from your efforts to monitor what it is that your own tax dollars, your own efforts, are going towards over seas. Does a government that funds and supports radical terrorists that pillage villages and murder innocent people and children represent you. I am here to help you realize what your neglect is manifesting throughout the world? Your energy needs, to make that flight across the country for your seasonal vacation to south beach, to the rockies, to florence, to have a tv for each room, 3 cars has created an energy industry that is destroying the planet... Nuclear power plants pose the single most deadly threat to all of the world that, barring some minor natural disaster, from which we would otherwise rebound from in a couple of years, could make most of the world uninhabitable for thousands of years. But instead we focus on oil... global warming, one of the least scientific ...
you give a dog a bone...
I mean right now Russian President Vladimir Putin is issuing statements saying that Russia is prepared to use nuclear weapons if it has to... WTF? Where is the outrage? Why aren't we wondering why the russian President might be saying these things.. Do we realize that there is a world out there beyond our “selves”. Who are we? The world is on the brink of destruction and we continue worrying about ourselves while we blame others for our neglect: politicians, your fellow countrymen, the genreation before us, the generation after, saying that we do these things for our kids... Don't you realize there are other kids out there who aren't just missing out on playing hockey this winter but are fucking starving... what about those kids? Am I asking you to somehow magically feed all these kids...? no. but I am asking you to not just pray to god hoping, but pray to god believing, knowing, willing that these problems get solved. The smallest of sounds can snowball into an avalanche that races across the earth, blanketing everything in its path.
I got stoned a couple weeks ago with my brother, we were watching an interview with this highly technical swedish business owner who was very intelligent, he was talking about different materials, he knew all of the ins and outs of his business, it was rather impressive... but his business was making multimillion dollar cars.... cars... 4 wheels and a couple of seats that carry us from A to B... slightly more fast and stylishly than we might have otherwise done. I was dumb founded. Sure I was stoned, but still, when we take some time to put this world into perspective, I mean shit... I am still dumfoudned..I mean the level of technical innovations this guy was doing for what were essentially toys... which not only diverted much of this man's efforts who god knows what he might accomplish if someone were to try and fix disease, if we as a society felt reward in doing god's will then doing the will of Joe Shmo. I mean imagine the resources people squander on these multi million dollar toys.... Look at the yachts.... with their hellipads and swimming pools....
This isn't to say that we need to uprise and take from them their yachts so that we can have them.. no. let them keep them.. what good are their yachts for other than draining more resources... whether in the hands of the many or the hands of one... Their yacht is their own condemnation... we need to know that they have those things because we give them to them... we submit to a will not our own..... But I am here to stand with you, and to tell these people no more... to tell the will that we convince ourselves is our own to fuck off... To be conscious of yourself and the role you play in the world... the power you have.... To not give in to what the one who whispers in your ear would have you believe: “your miniscule, you will make no difference, you are nothing.” I am here to help you realize that balance of yourself as Joe Shmo and yourself in the world around you.... and how vastly disproportioned that balance is.
I am powerful!! I am strong!!! Oceans will rise and mountains will fall with nothing but my word. The earth, the water, the stars will sprawl forth from nothing but my will. I am a christian will...
Today I spent a solid half hour to an hour flipping through POF, “yes, no, maybe..” how much different am I then the people that peruse facebook seeing what other's are doing... I am is it really that bad? I mean I am sitting here writing a journal, with the idea that someone will actually read the bullshit I have to say, while at the same time condemning the people that live their lives based on how they view others lives. WTF is wrong with me??
God save me.... mercy keep me... God save us..... mercy keep us...
Gonna have to go work soon... what will I go to work for, ultimately? To pay rent. Probably will have to borrow some money from the parents this week so I can do so. I dropped a couple hundred bucks paying for my old website and buying my new website domain and hosting that will eventually house this tome. “what an arrogant ass hole.. 'tome'” Yeah.. I told you I was a dick...
Bills mounting up for heat and electricity.... I make about 2200 dollars a month... I try to buy healthy food... but I barely have time enough to devote to this journal and work... and just thinking.... will to devote to trying to dream what I might do.... keeping my eyes on the prize... attempting to do God's will... I fall short... I want to go from full time waiting to full time moving.. doing... living... God. My oh my what it will entail is a little bit scary... I worry if I will have the skills to survive, whether I won't be stubborn enough to accept help...
I like to think of that story, or joke really...
“A man was trapped in his house during a flood. He began praying to God to rescue him. He had a vision in his head of God’s hand reaching down from heaven and lifting him to safety. The water started to rise in his house. His neighbour urged him to leave and offered him a ride to safety. The man yelled back, “I am waiting for God to save me.” The neighbour drove off in his pick-up truck.
The man continued to pray and hold on to his vision. As the water began rising in his house, he had to climb up to the roof. A boat came by with some people heading for safe ground. They yelled at the man to grab a rope they were ready to throw and take him to safety. He told them that he was waiting for God to save him. They shook their heads and moved on.
The man continued to pray, believing with all his heart that he would be saved by God. The flood waters continued to rise. A helicopter flew by and a voice came over a loudspeaker offering to lower a ladder and take him off the roof. The man waved the helicopter away, shouting back that he was waiting for God to save him. The helicopter left. The flooding water came over the roof and caught him up and swept him away. He drowned.
When he reached heaven and asked, “God, why did you not save me? I believed in you with all my heart. Why did you let me drown?” God replied, “I sent you a pick-up truck, a boat and a helicopter and you refused all of them. What else could I possibly do for you?”
There is a lot of truth to consider about that story. Will my eyes be open enough, my ears ready to listen, will I be humble enough...
This I pray.... This I trust... this I know.... This I will...
I am gonna attempt to bring some semblance of closure to this entry... of my life... It started when I woke... sleeping... I was laying in my bed, dreaming, thoughts... floating in and out, I wish I woke and wrote them down, but instead I stayed asleep... maybe it isn't their time.. I trust that their time will come...
Then I woke up, this day started with me wanting to get radical, grabbed my computer... and finished the video of the preacher I started yesterday... wanting to give up this life I have thus far known as Joe Shmo and dedicate it wholly and entirely to God... just yesterday, it was so nice out walking to work and I was inside looking out the window just thinking, “walk out now, wait no longer the time is what you make it!!! Then I told a coworker I was thinking that, she was like “lets do it” I was like “really?” and then it just stopped there... I went back to work...
Just 5 minutes ago I checked my POF messages... A 41 year old girl messaged me saying hi with a wink.. The first thing that popped into my mind.. “This girl is DTF!” (thats down to fuck for all you civilized people out there).
At least I think thats the first thing that popped into mind... Shit I get sick thinking about how many times I've jerked off. I am not proud of it, but the ironic thing in my case is, I have only ever physically fucked 3 women, and I shouldnt say fuck because that trivializes exactly what happened and I think that this a story for another time, because I dont even think I could classify what happened.. Yes my penis entered these three womens vaginas... still...
Anyways, for somone that is so horny, jerking his dick all the time, you'd think i'd have fucked more girls than I have... I mean when I talk about people wasting time on face book... holy shit.. I thnk about how much time I have wasted looking at porn and not thinking about anything of any substance... of value... Did that have any value? Any of it?
It isnt until now that Ive realized maybe I this is just something I do... a distraction... I clever guise cooked up by someone, something,... the irony is as this thought is realized... this song comes on... I mean .. I was just listening to Ellie Goulding not expecting some kind of religious thing... There is something about her music... though not explicit... a truth of her own.. but Not expecting something... So the next artist after her is Ellie Hollocomb
I mean now I listen to love songs... and I like to think they can all be applied to God... and maybe there is an irony when we love people like the love songs talk about... sure they may be about some boy.. some girl... but its fun for me to apply them to god... but this song...
“There is good news... there is bright truth.. that you can never change.. no matter what you do... You are loved... more than you know..... more than you could hope for... after everything you've done... as sure as the sun.. will rise... and chase away the night... his mercy will not end... his mercy will not end...
There is good news... there's a promise.. that no matter where you go... you will never be alone... in the dark... in the doubting... when you can't feel anything.. ohh his love remains the same...
as sure as the sun will rise... and takes away the night.. his mercy will not end...
even through the night... oohhhhh... silver stars will shine... ohhhhohohoh.. hope of glory's light that will wake us once again...
as sure as the sun will rise... and takes away the night.. as sure as the sun will rise... his mercy will not end... his mercy will not end..”
“Ahh coincidence.... nothing but coincidence...”
Fuck off..
Anyways the thought I realized, which was accented by this song coming on after, was that maybe there is something in me that has never changed.. something untarnished.. something that has been tried to be masked.. masked by people constantly telling me that I am a sinner... Original sin.... doctrine...
Babies' development is ridiculous... we don't give credit to what the baby might be observing... I mean what do babies' dream?
But is it the baby being born that is the sin? Is it the world we have created that the abby integrates itself into that has made it the sinner? Can we change this world? “The kingdom of heaven is at hand,” right? This earth is beautiful... this earth is bountiful... I have seen what could be in confusion eye of a child as he looks at the social world we have created... a world WE have created...
Do I really want to fuck this women? Could I stop myself? Should I stop myself?
Is it wrong? I am getting an erection thinking about it... I am a fucking horn-ball... I need to get myself sexually sober...
Most of all I just want somone to come and tell me that its not wrong... that I am not wrong to be horny.. Is it wrong for me to be a sexual creature?
One thing I can say that has bothered me about porn, is something tells me that it is wrong, not the fact that I pleasured myself... but that the likelihood that some of these women are doing this against their will... I dare to say all of these women might be doing this against their will.... making love for money... just those two concepts don't and can't be co-habitable... sure they may convince themselves... someone may convince them that is their will... they want to be able to live comfortably.. or whatever... but is that really what they will??
Am I a dick for thinking that I know what a woman or man in that position might will? Most definitely....
Another, younger girl I am talking to on POF just asked me what bring's me to POF and I told her flat out... “Eh.. I don't really know anymore... kind of going through a lot right now.. part of me just wants to be able to open up about it to someone.. another part of me tells me that I'm just a hornball trying to get laid... either the best or the worst time to look for a relationship... lol”
Have yet to hear back... prolly won't either... whatever....
Someone I work with has a good saying he likes to say, particularly to women he gets into relationships with: “the truth doesn't, hurt.. it's the lies you tell yourself that do...”
I mean wow... some fucking wisdom right there...
anyways.. I have to be getting on now.. but it was a good talk.. which might imply that I was conversing with someone.... which I wasn't... right?
TA TA for now... PS lol the Lion king song, elton johns version, of the circle of life just came on... Lord keep me humble... keep my eyes and ear's open.... Thank you for everything God! Mom if one day you read this and find out this is your son writing these things, don't be ashamed, be happy... I am on my way!! I love you so much.... I love you all soooo much!!
Its a new day... the 7th to be exact. I am gonna keep this brief cus I am gonna spend most of my free time getting this up on the internet... I feel enough has been said at once to make a cohesive argument for truth... and also after the dream I had lasst night and the articles I found on infowars it reminded me how dire the situation is, how quickly I need to get the information out there. Make an effort at stopping this house of cards from going up in a blaze.
The dream: it was my birthday. My whole family was there. Joe biden was for some reason there. Other random people. They were all celebrating my birthday and it was like a family event where things started to break down and people were critixizing me for whatever... its becoming more vague now... my parents... my dad was seeing someone else... my mom was chatting with this guy and flirting and what not...
next scene... somehow something happened where my friends needed to try and kill me... I found out about it... and fled the house.. I made it out just in time and my next door neighbor heard my screams and came to my aid, where he was ultimately lured into the house and murdered because they knew that he would find out something... so I continued running, screaming for help.. I made it over the fence into the neighbors yard.. almost to the street where people were watching me trudge through what had become this pit sludge... They knew I was in trouble but they began trying to blackmale some kind of money out of me for them to help me... then I woke...
My dreams two days ago that I promised id remember, but never got around to sharing: in one, at one point, I had put on prescription glasses to find that they made my eyesight blurry, and when I took them off I could see.. I have been struggling with long distance vision for years, never wearing glasses because I always felt that they made my eyes worse.. I forget the other parts of the dream now...
Last night I orderd a pizza for take out from my favorite pizza joint and fell asleeep while I was waiting to leave to go pick it up... I felt really bad about it...
Now the stories that I just read: One was about the nuclear war head that went missing in south carolina and there was a “purge” of top military generals and leaders around the same time... what happened in that time I dont think we can ever know... unless we demand to know... we should know the fragile state of the world...how too much power consolidated into the hands of the few risks the destruction of us all...
We need to get rid of nuclear arms all together but instead we persist.... nuclear energy... yet still we persist... why? Because we need nukes because other's have nukes? Its the circular argument that gets us nowhere... can we give humanity a chance?
Next article I saw was abiut how the feds are preparing to invade a “hostile” Texas... if by hostile they mean people that are armed and willing to defend their friends and family against all enemies forgeign and domestic... then yes that is what texas is... thats what an american is... that is what a human being is... if you took an oath of office... that is the oath you have sworn to uphold....
And now.. with the feds apparently moving on a people that are rpepared to defend their rights to defend themselves... they move to esvalate things... this is a conscious move on behalf of the feds because they know that they must attempt to sieze control of the narrative... things are getting out of their hands... whistle blowers are starting to stand up, there is something in the air... people are snapping out of Joe Shmo, trcognizing that something far worse than a minor inconvenience for Joe Shmo is coming if they dont stand up and do something now...
Now the mindset it, with slogans that reference 1776, with many americans who are upset about the way america is headed is “Revolution”... but what is revolution to them? Where we must fight with the federal government with weapons? Kill those who are emissaries of the system? No.. you arent fighting the system if that is the plan, that is scenario that the system already has worked out, and if you look at our governemnts foreign policy, our government is well versed in how to sow the seeds of revolutions so that they may control the population that much more easily..
No the way to combat the system is through civil disobedience.... not fight another civil war, but instead to fight back ignorance create open dialogue.... because open dialogue is exactly what the system doesn't want... and now articles, many articles, I have read about how the system is moving to shut down the web through regulation... the web.. the one thing that we see fostering a connection with me and Joe shmo in china or russia, the one thing breaking down barriers.. the one thing.... its not the one things. Sorry about that. It is just another thing. There are other things at work that are really working here, working to unite us..
Things far more powerful than the internet.. far more powerful than religious instititutions....
There is something in the air....
Anywas.. I promised id keep it short today and I will... but a civil war must not be allowed to break out in america!! This is a provocation by the federal governemnet, a provication playing on what agents of deception have been provacateuring with these ideas about a revolutionary war... How revolutionary are oyu being if you are just doing whats already been done... its time to give another vision a shot.. its time to realize another vision....
“DON'T TREAD ON ME!” Says the lord...
p.s. For those curious, id like to share how those conversations on POF ended.
The older woman Convo:
“her: Hello there ;)
me: 1 of 9 children?! That's intense
her:actually its one of 10. I'm the second oldest. You?
Me: 1 of 3. Where did you grow up?
Her: I'm from Somerville. You?
Me: Summaville.Nice. I grew up in redacted.
Her: Nice. How do you feel about older women?
Me: I can't say.. I'd say that I feel indifferent at the moment.. part of me thins that your after some yung stallion to take for a invigorating ride. Might that be accurate? Another part of me sees your name “zen” and sees that this woman might be searching for smthing more than just a new boy toy..
Her: Not at all. I never dated a younger guy
Me:Might both these things be accurate? Or can't you say either way? I see that's cool .. neither I an older woman
Her: I usually don't message younger guys but I made an exception for you :-)
Me:Can't say i'd be opposed. Espeially one as beautiful as you.. sorry if taht's a little shallow
Her: I understand :( Not at all. I'm picky ;) Good luck fishing
me: Do you understand? I don't mean that I dont want to date an older woman.
Her: so would you consider it? You confused me by saying that its sallow.
Me: shallow of myself is what I meant... I most certainly would
Her: Nice! You made my day :-)
Her: I have a thing for tall guys.
Me: HaHa... well they aint always what they cracked up to be
Her: why do you say that?
Me: Maybe I like to self handicap myself and want to let you down easy by telling you and inferring that it was a joke about my not overly large penis, secretly hoping that you won't go on a date with me... maybe I meant that im not alll that attractive... I don't know. Ha. Did it work?
Her:Who said anyhting about a penis. So that not even a pic of you
Me: No its me
Me:Can't really say why I said it... that's all
Me: not good with hokes and their delivery over text. My bad.
Her: Maybe younger guys is not for me after all
Me: ight. Sorry for any offence. I'm here if you change your mind.
And that was how that ended... on my way walking to work I was thinking... wow... look how fast I can go from making somones day to completely turning them off an entire generation, to completely neglecting a whole nother world which is out there for their taking... Was that me that did that? Or was that somone else? Was that somone inside her head telling her that....
Then later I got a text from that girl I thought for sure I had scared away when I told her I was essentially inferred that I was going through some kind of life “crisis.”
Her: “I'm just looking to meet some new people and see where it goes. I just got out of a relationship so i'm not looking for anything to serious right off the bat”
to which I responded.. “I see well to be honest I'm down for whatever... if you want to go on ad ate some time I'd be down... I have a car”
Yet to hear back. She lives in a neighboring state.. probably like an hour drive... But to be honest I think I would drive an hour at least once a week to just be with somone that truly wanted to meet me.. someone... Her now considering my commute probably thought that I would just want to fuck.. but I learned that is not what I am after... walking to work I took great pleasure in realizing... I am not the slimeball that I so often convince myself I am... I also took great pleasure in realizing the cross that must be my burden for the time being at least.. I cannot ever have sex with a woman... get intimate with a woman... because that entails something more...
on that short walk to work I realized so much about law. When something is just law, and there is no reason behind it, the law cannot stand, but I see now that when people talk about marriage and dogmas like “no sex before marriage” exist. Its because sex back in the day, was before contraception.. so having se has to be something more than just passion.. it has to be a symbol of commitment.. because there is the potential that a life could be born from that passion, and thats something you don't walk away from. I have seen the society that creates. I have
But maybe the reason why sex shouldn't just be taken so lightly, why sex is sacred for more than just the potential of a baby to result... sex is sacred... a symbol... It's a time when destruction of that awareness that you're naked, when you stand completely naked, nothing exists in the world other than the love for that person and that person's love for you. But there also exists that the potential that love for the other could be just mistaken for the pleasure you get for yourself, the arousal in yourself or maybe its just the pleasure you get from manipulating another person. Sex becomes solely about you, you treat it like a drug where you are the sole concern and neglect the other person.
Anyways... who can say....
But what I realized walking to work yesterday... My cross isn't a burden heavy, and laden with thorns but it is kind. I took my first steps where the burden of my cross was kind. I loved that cross. I saw that not loving one with all my heart opened my heart up to loving everyone with all my heart. Sure I might endure some physical, mental torment in the future, I might not be able to get to know another as intimately as I would like or have another know me as intimately as I would like, but maybe I will... maybe I will, more so than I ever imagined...
I got that feeling on my walk to work yesterday; that feeling that sex, personal relationships with a significant other isn't the only thing that can tear off the clothes of my ego, that while sex manages to accomplish this, while a relationship with a significant other can help this, it isn't these things alone that facilitate such liberation, but these things are more; flashes of a deeper truth. While I would take great joy in this, and would love to with all of my heart, to love someone, to raise children into men and woman, to have my father see his grand children, I pray to god that they realize just how great the grandchild they have gained is....
to love I realized that I can still do that.. that I must do that at another level... for the sake of my children....
I have stopped masturbating for months on end before.. maybe years... I used to practice by saying envisioning the girl I found attractive was my daughter or my child. For a while I stopped seeing women as sexual objects but instead as people with something much more to offer than their vaginas'. I mean did I ever really doubt that? I always knew that, didn't I? Still I had to remind myself of it. And for a time it worked. Until something creeped into my head whispering...
“maybe your gay..?”
“Your gonna wind up a pedophile through cognitive assosications if you keep viewing attractive women as your child.”
“You better go to the bathroom and start playing toby the tug boat and make sure everything is still working properly.”
Anyways....
When I got to the restaurant... the first table I waited on was a family with two kids; a father and his wife... a grandfather and his wife... a grandmother and... she was by herself... or was unc complemented by her significant other.. They had their grandchild in the highchair... she just turned 1 year old the day before... she was laughing, smiling... reaching out to touch the world.... They were all so happy... The grandfather was so happy to be spending time with the kids.. I was so happy for him.... it makes my eyes start to water as I am typing this, I don't think out of sadness for what I might be leaving behind... something that I would love for myself... but more out of joy for the happiness the love...
This grandfather was so happy... playing with his older grandson that was sitting next to him. Love. It's not restricted to just this, but it is these things at its most fundamental that stir us... that spur us...
Watching those people in the church in that video the other day... I got frustrated that they don't trust in themselves to go share their faith with others, that they worry – like I sometimes do – that they might offend, that they feel like they don't have the “logistics” in place to counter everything. You have the vision!!! You have the grace!!! You have the mercy!!! You have the faith!!! SO believe!! Believe that you can!! Have faith in the holy spirit that lives in you, give yourself to the holy spirit and the holy spirit will speak through, the holy spirit will give you the answers you need the strength because in your own weakness, then, there, that is when the holy spirit is strong.
All of this I can see sounds dumb to someone who has never tried, never offered themselves, never humbles themselves before God, but for those of you with faith, for those of you who believe, believe that there are people out there that need that faith, that need that reassurance from you whether or not you can give that to them or not. You may not get the physical stimulation or be directly reciprocated by these people, acknowledged, but leave your hearts open to god and he will be the one that reaches back and touches in those times when you feel like no one appreciates you …
But watching that church listen to the preacher preach I wasn't bitter, I wasn't cursing these sheep... I was crying with tears of joy at the confirmation, visually, the hope that is out there in the world... the hope that people out there are giving praise, giving thanks, giving glory... to God. I took comfort that I am not alone.
The preacher... he was talking about stuff that I was talking about withing myself... he was confirmation of truth.. that there is something out there more than just the internet... or the churches... out there is the word, the truth, the life.... God thank you so much...
Anyways.. I think now I will officially part for today... What's to come I will be including something of a paper that I was writing based on my journey through reading the bible, my journey through faith which has ultimately led me here, to writing about my life.. But hopefully I get this up on the net today.. we shall see.. until next time...
back for a minute.... same day...
On my way out the door today I passed the cleaning lady for the building... as I passed by I greeted her with a “good morning”... “hello” she replied as she continued mopping the marble steps without bothering to lift her eyes, keeping her back turned....
today I received a text on POF from a woman, 25 years old, she asked me whats up.. here is that conversation:
“”
I just saw the redemption of man.. I saw the salvation!!!
“O holy god, you are the melody, the cry, thats ringing out of my heart..
I came to light the day you died. My sin and shame were crucified on the cross... all that was lost.. I found in you...
I will sing unending songs, I will sing unending songs!!! I will sing unending songs... holy are you lord..
One true god you met me in my nakedness and covered me with love..
my brokeness I lay before your righteousness in glory I am renewed... loved by you... ho... ly.... fa..... ther.....
I will sing unending songs, I will sing unending songs!!! I will sing unending songs... holy are you lord..”
“The lord is coming for his bride!!! Make way for the lord!!!”
You know, I got to talking about the world at work with different people, about movies I have seeen, we were talking about “Kill the messenger” with Jeremy Renner, about the CIA intentionally or not intentionally, but aware, they were using coke being imported into america and destroying the poor and impoverished with the crack epidemic so that they might fund the contra in Nicaragua, got to talking about America, and what makes me proud to be an American isn't what the government does but instead what america represents... freedom: freedom under men, and freedom in our confirmation of a submission to God; to laws of nature that supersede the laws of men. W were talking about how we dont want to pay taxes to a system that we don't support
Anyways, one girl, bless her heart, was like “My parents have a house in Costa Rica we can go to if we need to run to, the tax laws there are better. I appreciated her offer, and though she might not have expected that I would ever take her up on that offer, and I don't think I ever will, but she meant it. And that made me happy, to see that people I know, not just people in a church, care!
Also it reminded me how bullshit the idea we sell ourselves is: that the government exists to look out for the common man. Meanwhile the common man is being oppressed, the christian will suppressed. The guy that doesn't want to pay taxes so he can earn more money for himself gets to do that. But the guy that wants to pay taxes and contribute to a greater cause can't because that method is corrupted and doesnt represent how he wants to be represented, yet he is the one who gets is income frozen, his credit ruined, his right to living revoked!!! Thats because the government isn't America, and I want the whole world to remember the difference between America and the government in charge....
alright gotta get back to work.. now ill see ya tomorrow....
back one time more...
Just talked to mom to see if I could borrow her car to go to basketball tonight... I will use my car and potentially drive to their place to spend the house if I cant find a spot tonight when I get back from bball... Asked for some cash to make my rent this week, told her I'd pay her back the following week, she was hesitant at first, she asked “why is that? Business not that bad?” I told her no just had to pay for some stuff this week, just got back from grocery shopping today and spent 170 dollars buying healthy food for me for the next week or two.... didn't go that much into depth for her though... just that had to pay bills and went groceries... “oh.. you had to pay bills.. ok...”
haha.. I love her. Always worried.. this time that I might have gone on some kind marijuana cigarette smoking binder.... lol
hopefully she will not have to worry anymore.. I try to help her with her faith from time to time... I moved out last year after quitting my job at the previous restaurant I worked at. Found a place and was moved in the following month. I think I did it for both me and her... I knew I had to ease her into the life I knew which awaited me, I knew this day was coming... I knew who I was all along.. somehow... something....
After all.. When I moved out during college, deciding not commute anymore so that I could live on campus... I think I did it to ease my Mom into this future... I came home every weekend.. did my laundry... got groceries and what not....now, I want to spend time with my family but I know I have to maintain my distance to make my going away a little more easy on them, I know they will miss me.... but I hope they take comfort in that I will not be alone, God will be with me...
Yeah I think a part of me wanted to get good grades, which living on campus helped a little bit, but I think of it as more of a byproduct than anything... I started getting good grades before I quit smoking and drinking... I wanted to prove that I could do well in school and have a future, I wanted people to know that I had a choice, another life was available, but that wasn't real..... I want people to know that it wasn't going without the weed that made me do better, that helped me BE better. I had a 15 minute commute, tops, to and from school everyday.... not too bad... yet still I used the excuse that during the winter it made getting to class a lot easier, which may have been true to an extent. I mean winter's in upstate New York could be pretty intense at times.
When people asked why I lived on campus at school, I quickly offered up that excuse... The commute.. maybe I actually believed it at the time... but something was calling me.... I know that now.... I see that now...
hopefully I can get back to work now... big bball game tonight...
every time before our games I get those butterflies in my stomach... a certain euphoria.. I worry if I will perform as best I should... if I won't let people down.... but when I finally square up... that ball gets tossed in the air... and I start running... then all of that falls away.. I had that feeling all day today... I gota message from a guy on POF today... he started out wondering if I was having any luck on here.... anyways... im not gonna type it out on here till tomorrow... but I will... I didnt get time today to finish the site and get this up... but maybe because this story isn't quite ready to hit the web...
So I got up feeling like an ass hole... not because I had actually done anything terrible... but I was flipping through POF again.... I was horny... I was in the mindset of “damn she has a nice ass”
So yesterday about this guy who messages me randomly the sum of it was that he was theis guy messaging me because he was curious. To be honest I don't know if this was a joke or what... maybe it was the girl I am about to go on a date with probing me based on what she found in my profile....
In my profile my quote is “dont judge, just love” my about me section is... “looking for someone who will love God before me, and love me before themself”
Certainly this might be a likely scenario... because why else would someone message me, someone who is looking to experiment with men, if I am in the database as a man seeking a woman.. How would this happen.... how would I even come up in his search results... he said he searched blond and blue eyes and I came up... very likely thats what she did as a woman looking on her own profile... found my own... and then messaged me... so she offered that as an excuse to find me.. also... “he” felt the need to offer up a reason as to how he found my profile....
I feel like Sherlock Holmes right now.... Damn those are some good movies/ tv show (And I mean the one with cumberbatch)
So “he” probes... asks me how I am doing on here, being 6'7 whether or not I was having any luck, because he wasn't at 5'7...
Trying to see whether or not I am a promiscuous ass hole...
I am gonna be honest... none of this occurred to me at the time... and at the time I was feeling great.. feeling great about God... where I was at.. a lot of it was true... I mean I think it was.. I don't know if I slipped into a role...
nahh.. fuck you.... “Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.”
"10Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve. 11Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold, angels came and ministered unto him.”
I slipped out of a role!
See, that is how I felt this morning... flipping through POF, like I had lied to this man, that I was false. That I had slipped into this role. I didn't want to come to my lap top and start this entry, I felt like maybe I should do other stuff, I felt like I didn't have any particularly good insights to share, nothing of value, so might as well cook some of that food I bought yesterday before it goes bad... all of these excuses... then I heard the call of a morning dove outside... you know... the bird that sounds like its an owl.... then I got up out of my bed, washed off some strawberries, sat down at my table and began typing...
Then the realization came to me that this girl might have created this false profile.. Yesterday I was wondering if maybe the identity this guy tried to project to me was an identity from the government, maybe the FBI or NSA caught wind of some of the stuff I was writing from some algorithm they have when scanning emails... after all yesterday I emailed myself this document in case for some strange reason my compute got fucked up and I lost it all, my computer and phone has been acting weird lately... granted I know nothing is ever wasted...
Maybe they scanned the doc in that email and decided to probe me themselves... at least that was a potential I thought about yesterday... but I went along with it anyways... whether or not this guys was real or not didn't make a difference to me..
Yesterday morning... when I went to Trader Joe's and got some groceries, there was this older black woman all dressed up in what appeared to be her “sunday best” despite it being monday. I grabbed some strawberries and then she came by, she was talking to herself, “I wonder if their sweet”, as she looked at the strawberries. She was talking to herself... even though she might have known I would have overheard...
My parents, I always used to wonder why it was that they talk to themselves, like “ok..... got that got that” Sometimes when my dad gets clumsy and drops something he will scream “Awww, for Christ's sake!!” Then he'll call himself an idiot or a dumb bell or a clutz or something of that nature.. Sometimes my mom, when she gets frustrated will go.... “Shit!” when she drops something or whatever.. I mean yes they literally verbally say it. But I do that mentally all the time... who am I talking to? Who is calling us the dumb bell?
Anyway's back to the convo yesterday, boy this Girl probably is going to go into this date all confident, like she has the upper hand or something silly.... why is it we cant just be..... Why do we feel the need to control things, have we ever even stopped to think about the world, nature, the ultimate course of things... why do we feel the need to do anything... anything but love..?
So even before this guys started messaging me, I got an alert on my phone... there was this girl, 20 years old …. she wanted to meet me.. no msg... just that she wanted to meet me.... her quote : “ere are all the fun boys at?” There were pictures of her in this nurse costume, her skirt barely below her vagina... the bottom of her ass showing out... her interests: “smoking, partying, dancing” I looked at those pictures... I got sexual urges.... I messaged to her “you seem dangerous” she messages back “i am” followed by a couple devil smiley faces....
Then I just left it at that for a while... I thought about her though... on and off she came to mind... I thought about myself... I thought about her... Does she really want this.. is she really having fun? What is she after? Sure she wants a good time.. maybe a good fuck.... but what does SHE want....”
I sent her a message again “ I just wanted to share with you something that someone told me a long time ago when I was much younger than you are, and I hope you don't take this wrong way, 'don't grow up too fast'. Have fun but just make sure you actually are having fun. Love ya.”
Then she messages back, “you just made me smile.”
'I'm glad. You just made me smile too.”
Her profile is deleted now.. I don't know if it was some kind of fake profile.. or if she deleted it or what... but I don't think it matters...
So now I will just put down the entire conversation I had with this guy who messaged me:
HIM: “How are you making out on here? Hope your doing better than I am. I wish I had your height.”
Me: “Ha. Man. Just be happy with yourself. I think when you do that the whole world is your oyster. You got this.”
HIM: I appreciate it. Your a very decent looking guy and I kinda wish I had your height too. I'm only 5'7. Women like taller guys. I did ok when I was in the marines though.
--------- Break ---------
Maybe fishing to see if I was in the marines. Possible that this man actually exists, not saying that 5'7 males don't but the fact that 7” was used, similar to my 6'7... someone quickly putting together a profile might subconsciously use 7” given that is on their mind, and their trying to gauge whether or not I am some tall player. In my profile pic I have a short.. marine style hair cut...
--- Back to convo ---
ME: “yeah. I dont know about that. I think pepole convince themselves of that but I think everyone is after something more than just physical shit... deep down.. I personally have seen the sky peel back and the univers open up for me when I put my focus in God. Maybe you shoukd try the same and let eveyrhting else fall into place... give it a sincere shot... ultimately god is the only one that's gonna be there for you no matter what. Thats the advice I have for you. Seek god first then someone to keep you company on your stay here. Hope that doesnt come off the wrong way.
ME: God knows what you need. Don't get down on yourself. You have a lot to offer my brother.
HIM: *a couple minutes ellapse* “Maybe that should really make me think of what I'm doing here anyway. I'm truthfully married with 2 small children. I haven't been getting attention at home and only came on here to have a one time fun experience with a person.
----Break ----
Ok.. now they, because I think she is doing this with a friend, and this girl must be smart... gonna have to be on my toes on this one... nevertheless it will be fun... Keep in mind the only real messaging I have done with this girl has been essentially to plan a date.... can you really blame her for trying to find out more before she goes on a date with some stranger she met on the internet?? Can we blame her or somthiing else that made her think this....?
Now that she thinks she has the upper hand, that she knows who I am and I don't know her she has some kind of advantage over me... Any guy that might be wise to these kinds of games could easily take advantage of this girl...
CAN I JUST LIVE!!!!???? CAN I JUST BE1?!?!?! I just took a deep breath....
Now she's trying to see what advice I might have for someone in this position.. What I might do in this scenario...
---Back to convo ---
HIM: But your absolutely right on your statement. I'm not doing the right thing being on here I guess neither. I just don't have any friends here in mass that I can even talk to, which makes it harder too.
HIM: are you really Christian where I can talk to you and get advice and make sure I'm not losing my mind in a sense.
ME: *in response to the first message of his* I think you restrict yourself... I do the same... you are afraid of what other people might think... try to talk to god... humble yourself... God will speak to you.... maybe ina thought of your own... maybe ina street sign or song thats playing in the radio... but God is with you my man... ask god what he wants for you.. he alone will give you strength to make it through your shit... ask and you shall receive my brother
ME: Yeah..christian in truth. Raised Catholic. However I think Christmas is everwhere.. more than just in a christian church... Truth is everywhere...
ME: not christmas but christ. That's auto correct for you..
ME: Ask yourself... who brought you to message me?
----- Break ------
God you are wise, and you alone are worthy!
--- Back to Convo ---
Can I ask you a question, and please don't be offended. I was just wondering. I know its a sin in the bible. But is it a normal thing that I want to experience once with a male? I think about it often however I'm perfectly happy with my life. I feel cornered at times.
---- Break ------
LOL... now she is really pushing it.... Trying to guage whtehr I am some right wing christian extremest, dogmatic fool that she prolly is sick of down in Texas, where she is from originally.....
--- Back to Convo ----
ME: Man... I think love doesnt have any boundaries... people express themselves sexually but I think... I dare not tempt fate and call one thing a sin and one thing ok... I just know I should love... Dont be ashamed of who you are... just make sure you are asking yourself who exactly are you..
HIM: I'm not sure what part of that statement meant. I'm not sure what part of that statement meant. I just hope I didn't offend you with any of it. I'm just know that if I ever did something like that I think you seem like a great person. You seem really kind like me.
HIM: I just know that I'm a good person. I just know that I dont want to feel like this but I know that I dont want to feel like this but I know I want to experience a mone time thing with a guy to put it behind me once and for all. I became tangled in this web and don't know how to get out from it. Its ahrd to explain
ME: Thanks man. No offence taken. You are a kind person. Just don't confuse desire with love. Examine yourself confirm your place with God. I think he will reveal to you the answers you need.
ME: Yeah... well if you are wondering if I'll be here for you in that way the answer is no but that doesnt mean I'm not here for you man.
ME: Just keep your heart, your eyes and your ears open.. god will give you what you ask for..
ME: I hope you find out who exactly you are in your hard times so that you know what it is that you want... just remember you are loved
HIM: I also think its a curiosity of knowing what one man has verse another. I've always wanted to see another guys. I mean is it true being taller you have a bigger one? I think more of being with a man sexually, I often wonder if its more of seeing and touching.
--- Break ----
Now she's really pushing it... I mean arent their porn vids out there of tall guys? If this was actually a guy that was actually curious about that wouldn't he be able to find that out on the internet? I just thought to myself... yes there is the potential that this is a real profile... just check to see if both were online... but only one is.. Just thought.... does it really matter? This whole “realization”... what purpose is it serving... I thought it might be a way that god has revealed to me that this woman might present herself in a certain way, not necessary how she really is... that god is saving me from … I often pray to god... that he will help me stay on the path that leads to him, that he will steer me away from the temptations that attempt to lead me away.... Then I thought maybe that thought, that god has sent a warning and to watch out for this girl... to “keep me on my toes” and keep my guard up.. is really a subtle deception to lead me away....
I heard the tick of my radiator earlier... I imagined the devil was there leaning on it with one hand... his other arm on his hip, his leg crossedover the other and his long nail tapping away on the metal of the radiator in a kind of frustration, a kind of wondering what his next move will be... Then I said what Jesus said to Satan... I felt goosebumps along my body. On my head. I lifted my hand.... and said to myself “In the name of god, leave!”
CAN I LIVE?!?! This..... This is my oppression.... God save me.... God save us....
--- Back to Convo ---
ME: Don't let anyone let you doubt your value... not even your “self”
HIM: I really believe you were sent to me.
ME: Ha. Man I have seen porn videos and 5'7 guys have a bigger penis than me... but don't let infatuation distract you from what is really important
HIM: Mine is 5-6 inches, average girth and I'm 5-7. So, I'm guessing yours is bigger than mine then. What kind of porn do you like to watch.
–--- Break ----
WTF? On my way to basketball yesterday.... I had picked up a couple guys and we were all headed over.. and one of them starts relating this story he experienced at the bar.... he explained how he sucked on this girls tit at the bar.... I laughed... because I felt thats all I could do.... a inside though I thought about the girl I had messaged earlier that day, I thought about the state, the condition we are in as a society.... I thought that we need to change.... we need to become who we were meant to be....
“So this girl we were talking to earlier in the night comes over about an hour later and says, 'have you guys seen my friends?' And this girl was fucking hot, and she had the nicest tits.. and one of them was pretty much hanging out of this shirt she was wearing so you could essentially see the whole thing except her nipple, and I go “Geeze that thing looks like its about to fall out of there, huh? She goes.. 'haha... yeah. Why? You want to suck it?' And she pulls out her fucking tit... and I go 'yeah, i'm not trying to get slapped.'”
And then she said something along the lines that she wouldnt slap him and gave him the ok and then pulled it out again... And in he goes, starts sucking on the tit...in the bar...
“And i'm sucking on this thing for a solid ten minutes. My buddy next to me is just in sheer disbelief at what he's seeing. After the guy who was next to us -- we didn't even know him -- comes up to us and says 'dude, I cant believe that just fucking happned.” ….
Do guys only think about how big other guy's penis is... do girls?
I was seeing a girl in the fall last year, end of summer, and for a while it was nice, but to be honest I only bring this up because I brought this one thing up to her and her bandmate, about catcalling, how its becoming taboo to walk up to a woman and tell her how beautiful you find her... I mean or maybe asking her out... I might be attracted to a woman, and it might appear that what attracts me is purely physical, what attracts me I can only express as beauty... but is it something more.... is there something more that I find attractive? Is it wrong of me to try and see if she feels the same way???
Can I live!?!? Can I just express myself?!
I walk down the street and 9 out of ten people wont acknowledge me as I walk by them, not so much as a glance, let a lone eye contact, a nod let alone a gesture of hello, a smile. They know i'm there... They walk on a path to avoid colliding with me... I walk on a path to avoid that...
Sometimes, right now, I think about walking down the street and purposefully just walking in their way...
I'm reminded of about how at times when we are walking we try to avoid running into each other and we start to do a little juke because we keep going for the same path....
------ Back to Convo ------
ME: to be honest, that part of my life is in the past
HIM: I wish I was a friend of yours. You really make sense to em in many ways more than one. What part is in the past?
HIM: Can I ask you, were you ever in my shoes at one point? The curiosity part?
ME: I was curious just like you and porn helped me satisfy that curiosity... but I would talk to your wife about these feelings. If she really loves you she wont get upset and still love you. Maybe your wife isn't arousing you the way you used to... don't necessarily attribut that to the fact that she might be physically unattractive or that maybe you don't like that gender, which maybe you don't, but maybe your lack of physical attraction is related to something else about your marriage or another need that your wife isn't helping you with
-------break -----
I really need to stop correcting typos, the typo I wrote in the text messafe about “maybe your wife isn't arousing you the way you used to.” I mean there is something to be said for that grammar mistake. What typos have I corrected that could have some other meaning to someon e elsse reading this in the future?
-----
ME: Sometimes I did wonder if I was gay... I think all men ask themselves at one point or another
ME: Maybe that lack of attraction is related to something about yourself that doesnt have to do with your sexual preference
Alright... I had to jet to go to a work wine class... SO I cut off from breaking down this texting... but here I sit in a coffee house in downtown Boston its about an hour and half before my reservation... And in the time that I have so far spent... possibly an hour I have prayed to God for direction and he gave it to me... on the train out I called my sister... she is going through a separation and possible divorce right now with her husband of 5 or so years... He went back to Spain, where he was from originally, but they have lived here for the past 4 years or so... I left a message asking her if she wanted to go to Spain soon, like in the next month... I don't have any money... nor do I have any desire to fly on a plane... however, I would really like to and I think I would find a way if my sister really wanted to... I figured id be there for her... anyways
I just wanted to it made me really want to go to Spain... talking about it... I also used to dislike sherry.. and now after this wine class it has grown more agreeable to me... I think it was mainly because we paired food while tasting the different sherrys.
So I also was texting with different people on POF asking if they are interested in dates, but I think that for now I am not going to actively seek that stuff out... I think I have to much on my plate... I don't think I could ever be there for her the way they may need someone to be.
In that hour and a half or so that I have spent standing and wandering around the city I also realized exactly what I have to do over these next few short months... before things get a lot more real. How things will eventually evolve. I was putting all the pieces together.
I stood outside for a while on a main busy street, newberry to be specific... I just stood there... thinking... I was thinking about stuff all of which I cannot relay to you here but also people passed me by... and thats what I really wanted to note about the time I spent... That I have been praying to god that this date goes the way he would like it to, that I dont fuck this up, that I don't let something fuck this up for me.
Anyways.. that was the key thing... I actually was walking by this beautiful church while I was looking for a spot to grab some Tea and flesh out some stuff that I had gone through at the sherry class and after, cus I went out with some other coworkers for a drink and lunch at a neighboring bar, of which I did neither. I wanted to save my appetite.
I was curious... were the doors open?
While I was outside I stopped to read the sign that they had out front... and what that sign said had an explicit meaning, but also for my life there was an implicit meaning and I was really entrhalled by it... The people that rushed by saw me standing... saw me looking.... at the sign and even stopped to see what it was I was looking at.. I was blown away... God you are great....
SO I circled around to find the entrance... there were closed gates around everywhere I thought for sure those doors would be closed... but they weren't... I went in there was somewhat of a lobby... and then there was a sign right outside of the room that housed the pews and what not... “please don't bring any food or refreshments inside the sanctuary.” So I set my water jug down atop the neighboring trash can.
I go in and the first thing that struck me was the light, the glow from the stain glass which the sun was now falling behind. In the pews there was what appeared to be a homeless chineese woman... shit I mean asian... for fucks sake....
Her bag of her essentials next to her and her coat laid on the back of the pew she was sitting in and as I walked by she nestled her head onto her coat while she sat upright in the pew. I walked further down the main aisle, my eyes casting about, taking in all of the architectural nuances. At the front there were some people having a meeting discussing something about microphones and speaker positions and what not, no doubt planning some event that was forthcoming, likely the 'jazz worship' event they had signs out front for.
I sat down. I prayed to God... “please, God, help me to do what you will”
I want to do what he wants me to do... there is a part of me that any love no matter how small, is a victory for god, no matter if its loving just this one woman I am about to go on date... a apart of me knows that even the love I direct toward this one woman will sprawl out, similar to the science behind homeopathy, similar to the zero point energy field that is now being researched by scientists, the conclusion being reached by scientists that when one particle is effected, simultaneously another particle lightyears away is affected in the same way. Even without these scientists, something in me tells me that there is a truth to that concept.
Then something whispers, “you''ll love this girl, and ultimately she will suck it up like a black hole, the love you gave so freely to be used up, and never to be reciprocated in anyway, never to be shared. All the time, all of the effort, what will it have been for...?”
Before I went into the church I was walking around on the street with jug in hand, and I hear someone saying “there's a man that knows what's up, got a jug o water making me all thirsty.” I look over he is approaching me carrying a bunch of what appeared to be news papers. Silly me, I greet him offering the jug of water, but realize he is not after my water but my dollars, and not for himself in this case, but for an organization that exists solely to feed homeless children.... homeless children...
He shows me the printed paper detailing his organization, asks me if I could donate 20 dollars, I say sure, pull out my wallet, I brought lots of cash, and being a waiter cash is all I have and in this day and age most people dont carry around cash ….
The song playing right now in this coffee shop is one of my favorites... slightly stoopid's “wiseman”.
“said the man, who feel him a fool, for he be the wiseman, for the man who dont think hes a fool he control his destiny. But he's too cool for himself, for himself, for himself.....
All I need is something to keep me movin' on in a world where violence reigns and everybody seems so strange to me...
said the man who feel him a fool, for he be the wiseman. For the man who dont feel him a fool he control his destiny …...
This weapon of destruction swallows peoples suffering and no confusion, you ain't winning if your losin'. We don't need.”
Anyways, I carry around cash because I don't know how much I might need to spend tonight, I have very little cash as is, I mean im borrowing money from my mother to pay my fucking rent this week. My credit card's maxed out... I have a hundred dollars in cash at my apartment that I left in case I absolutely needed it for wahtever reason but hoping that I would just put that toward the rent.
Still.... something about denying this man when he asked for 100, and then 40, and then 30... it all felt wrong...
homeless kids...
Wow...
“This guys just a scam artist...”
Lord have mercy.....
I give him thirty bucks and feel guilty about it.
As I am getting ready to walk away he makes another comment about my jug of water, I ask “you want some?”
“I dont normally do this, but yeah, I'm thirsty and its from a brotha..” he takes a nice big swig. Hands it back to me and offers his hand. “hey man, it was nice to meet you and you have a good day.”
WE shake, and I wish him the same....
Anyways... gonna have to get walking back toward the restaurnat here in sec.. have to wrap this up right quick. I scoped out the place I booked it at.. The girl said taco tuesday's is a big deal for her so I booked it at a joint I read about on some chef's blog or wahtever. I walked in before I meandered around newburry street looking for a spot to grab some tea and hwip out the lap top, after I went into the church. It was dark, the lighting color schemes and art was all very gothic. I think “oh boy what did I do.” I wonder.. did I do it? Well tahts all I can give for now... Ill be back to finish up this day and the text. And maybe hash out this date.. but the most magical thing happened before I came into this shop. We'll talk later... God you are great! Your love is great! Thank you!
Our lives? Are they all just a big movie playing for us... the symbolism is ripe if we ever bother to look. Its a new day, and I will attempt to recount everything that I wanted to before I must depart to go to work today. Eventually I will have to stop these entries and give myself time to work on the website on which these stories will ultimately be uploaded.
I woke up this morning unable to remember anything about what I had dreamt. I Woke up trying to remember what it was that I was going to right about when I sat down; what it was I was I had dreamed about... but I had struggled. Sometimes I feel like I am drifting...
Then i heard the morning dove calling again.... calling me? It stopped after a minute or two. I said to myself, please just a few more calls, I'll roll out of bed. I heard the other birds chirping. I was reminded of my childhood days I spent down in the cape visiting my grandparents in Dennis.
My grandmother always got up early, before the sun rose, made some coffee or tea, which I can't remember, and went out to the back patio overlooking the relatively small backyard which fronted a small, densely wooded area. She would just sit there and watch and listen to the birds.
She loved birds. She would identify the calls of each. Occasionally we would hear a wood pecker, which she would often lament over, and I would inwardly be laughing. But the morning light... there is nothing like that light... like this light.
I would usually be sleeping in the living room on the floor because there were not enough beds for all of my family. The living room connected the rooms of the house, the bathroom and two rear bedrooms were on one side. Then the kitchen and master bedroom were on the other. I would often fall asleep watching the Star Wars trilogy. Sometimes I would get up before my grandmother and finish watching the entire trilogy. I often fell asleep on the floor before everyone turned in.
But I really enjoyed going out on the back patio, sitting on the steps and watching the birds. It was peaceful. Sometimes we'd talk. But often we'd just sit. My grandmother was always dillegent about getting us to read when we were down there, she was an english teacher when she was younger and it was hard for her to break out of that role as a grandmother, part of me is glad she didn't. My grandparents were enver really the most “loving figures” but I knew they loved me despite their sometimes lack of affection.
My grandfather was always a joker. He was a hard worker and took great pride in his lawn. In the cape almost every lawn is essentially non existent, mainly because of the salt in the air and everything else. But my grandfather always managed to have this green lush lawn, he installed a sprinkling system, that was on an automated watering schedule. He was a jack of all trades that man. Always fixing things, doing odd jobs. He kept busy..
Eventually old age slowed him down, He had to stop playing golf, when his knee started giving him problems. He used to go out before the sun got up, knock out 18 holes, and be back before most of my family ever got up. On the shelf next to his chair in the living room he had his hole in one trophies, and yes I meant plural. Man truly had the luck of the irish. He is a WW II veteran who was stationed on some kind of “protector boat” for the NAVY in the pacific. His boat essentially would travel along the perimeter of the bigger boat, keeping an eye out for Japanese subs.
I was always struck by the story he relayed, which was gripping in many aspects. His job was a night watchman. He would essentially have to keep his eyes peeled for any submarines surfacing, any torpedos, and at night of all times. While he was on deck he would have to chain himself to something because the seas would sometimes be so rough that they could knock the boat and send him flying over board if the boat caught a wave at the wrong time, water would be splashing up on deck and making the deck slippery as well.
One fateful night, when he was on watch, he saw something in the distance, kind of bobbing along the surface, spewing up shots of water at random times. Then he realized it was a torpedo, and it was heading right for his boat. He sounded the alarm but by that time there was nothing he could do but hope it would miss them, no time to even unhitch himself and jump overboard. He watched, helplessly, as the torpedo just narrowly skirted by his boat. I can't remember if it made it past his boat and hit another, but that's probably because it wasn't important... because it wasn't important to me at the time...
So he finished out his tour and after his ship made port somewhere, he was on his way. He took a letter from one of his shipmates to give to his girlfriend or wife. I cant remember exactly. But he was on his way home. He later found out that the ship he was on was sunk, and many, if not all, people aboard died that day. The buddy of his that gave him that letter died that day. I am gonna see them this sunday when we celebrate my birth day....
Birth days... I used to think that the only thing they were good for were gifts... then I grew up a little... I began to think they were just another method of the ego to bolster itself, to give us another reason to think of ourselves as the center of the universe.... christmas.... I used to despise christmas.... the presents... Just an excuse to appreciate someone for a day and go back to forgetting about everyone else and fcousing on yourself..
“what about God!?!?”
“you heathens!! Have you forgotten about christ!?!”
God save us...
My sister just texted me her response to the voicemail I left yesterday for her about going to spain....
“Hi Will, I got your message. Let's talk more this weekend :)”
I used to wonder if my sister was possessed, some of the stuff she did just out of spite, as children sometimes she took pleasure in just senseless chastisement.... senseless chastisement.... subtly I imply that some chastisement has sense... is that true? Is that right? Is that righteousness?
Anyways, she grew up too, and grew a bit nicer, she warmed up to me, but still managed to find a way to pick on my brother, 2 years my senior. They grew more civilized, but that feud from so many years ago still lingers and rears its ugly head every now and then. They aren't the closest... we aren't the closest anymore... our family.... Yes we see each other often enough... but we have these walls built up around us...
I just want to tear those walls down... I want us all to tear those walls down!!!
“What the lord wants is a repentant heart.”
God, in your mercy and wisdom, make us humble...
“No one comes to me but those whom God has called...” I'll get to that later.
Anyone, reading this – maybe this is a reminder for me – ..... To whom it may concern... I want you to know.... God is calling you! God loves you!
I'll attempt to stay on track here..
Birthdays... so.. I mean I was bitter.. I saw in others what was really in myself, and maybe it was true for them too, but I see something more than just birthdays. They serve as a reminder, to give appreciation for the gift that is each other. Who am I to not appreciate that which god has given... to not love that which God loves....
I mean every year my aunt and uncle put on this Christmas eve party, where all of the family get together from all around the country, neighbors, friends family... everyone back together... carrying on a tradition that my aunts parents used to do every christmas eve.....
Boy.. there is so much I want to write down, so much I want to share, I dont want to hold anything back, but I have to stay focused. I hope that I don't forget to revisit the stuff later... I trust... I know that what needs to be said will be said...
But I used to kind of despise these christmas party's, I used to think how all of these people “are you aware of the shit thats going on out in the world? Out in your own town? In your own family? Do you think having this party, smiling and ignoring this shit will make it go away? How could they just …
a christmas song just popped on....Liz Callaway's “Have yourself a mMerry little Christmas” from the Broadway christmas album I have. I mean life... God... wow.... coincedence.... someone who write this shit off as coincidence, writes life off as coincidence.... go take a statistics course... if you knew what happened on my itunes library and somehow this song ends up playing.. as I am talking about this shit... I mean for fucks sake... Why do you try so hard to look away!?
I don't even realize this song is playing as I am typing until about two thirds through the song when I heard some lyrics that literally spoke to me.... I mean I have heard this song.. I don't even know how many times. Still, I cant ever recall really giving the lyrics any meaning. I used to sing this all the time while listening to Amy Grant as a kid.
“Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of yours. Faithful friends who are dear to us, gather near to us once more.. Hve yourself a merry little christmas... let your heart be light... from now on our troubles will be out of sight... Have yourself a merry little christmas... make the yule tide gay... from now on our troubles will be miles away.... Here we are as in olden days... happy golden days.... of yours... faithful friends who are dear to us.. who are near to us... gather near to us once more... some day soon we all will be together... if the fates allow... until then we'll have to muddle through Some how...... and have yourself... a mer... ry... li...ttle.... christ... mas.. now.....”
If my family is reading this, I'd love to have been this year but that wasn't possible... it wasn't what god wanted.. And don't hate god for that.... take great joy and comfort in stead.. because if I am not there.. than I am with God and God is with me .. and if you with god than i'll be with you too.....
This is the song I chose to start because I wanted to listen to the album...
A little bit of irony...
Lori McKenna's “Salt”.
Anyways, I see now that its ok to take some time for the small things, to just love those who are with you... there is nothing wrong with that...
So my grandfather... gaga.. grew older, he couldn't buzz around the way he used to be able to, his spirit was willing but his body had grown weak....
“Lord your wisdom is great!!!”
Slowly he couldn't do as much yard work as he would have liked, the hedges began to grow a little longer, the grill grew a little more rusty... he turned to his books more...
He was still sharp so he could drive... my grandmother... nana... she stopped driving a few years back... likely because they knew her brain was growing a little bit dull... Today she is very forgetful.. nobody in the family has said anything to me or metioned alzheimers, but though she may not have been diagnosed, she has the symptoms... She will be talking to you about something... 10 minutes later she will bring up the same thing, say the same thing...
She still remembers much of her youth.. she can tell stories still pretty vividly, sure she tells the ones that we've all heard before... likely remembered out of repetition and not actually imagining the actual moment... There is something to be said for that... what it is I'll leave to someone else...
Occasionally, though, a spark.... She says something almost wholly originally, something she literally can see, in her mind... something she has never told before.. something she has told very few times..
I love my grandmother... nana... She'll get a song that starts rattling around in her head and she'll just start singing.. she will wait till the conversation takes a pause, and interject with a song... She doesnt let the conversation steer her away from the song inside...
“God you are great!”
I mean, people like to claim that it is medicine that has enabled my grandparents to live as long as they have... citing some bullshit statistic propogated by the pharmaceutical industry... but hundreds of years ago people lived passed one hundred and medicine wasn't around then.... “well, you know, genes and what not...”
Man.. do we buy this shit? I mean yes, we literally buy this shit... but do we believe it? Do we know this is true?
I don't know if it was those fruit 2os that she always drank... or the fucking bullshit the doctor peddled... or a combination of the two... ultimatly maybe it was her turning from god, from her faith.... I couldn't say..
I just know it wasn't her genes... Can someone please address the bullshit we are being asked to swallow? And when someone asks these questions can we address them in a logical manner.... not lambaste the people who are asking them... not persecute...
For christ's sake...
….
For Christ's sake.....
“This is my body which will be given up for you, this is my blood which will shed for you. Eat this in memory of me”
I am reminded of what Jesus said of the crippled man.. I am reminded of what I told a girl who messaged me on POF a week or so ago...
The preface of this girl is that she is in a wheel chair, or is handicapped at the moment, and is in recovery... She starts off her “about me” section first by her name and then by disclosing her infirmity...
“My name is heather, I first want to tell you I have a lot of medical issues we are working on managing them but I dont go to school or work. I focus on myself and getting better. Tehre is a lot more, but if you are willing to deal i'm super willing to tell you all. I am looking guy who is willing to be with me through the thick and thin and build a relationship with me. I love animals, I have 2 cat, a dog, and 2 horses. I'm a country girl stuck in the suberns I love being out door when I can and I love riding. I listen to country music when im not watching T.V. I love to watch crime show and some comdy shows on tv. I hope once im better to get my RN degree and try to get back to school, after that I wanna teach riding to kids with disability. I looking for a nice gentleman who likes to get dirty be outside and have fun. I am not looking to have sex. I can not right now so if tahts what u want please go away. Hope to talk to you soon. :) If you ever wanna video chat skpe me at ******.”
Her profession: disabled.
And now the conversation...
Her: “Hey how r u”
ME: “I'm good how bout you?”
Her: “I'm doing good.”
Her: “so what do you do for fun?”
ME: “For fun? I take a lot of pleasure in exploring myself and god. How bout you?”
---Break---
LOL. Thats not the kind of answer one expects prolly.... A week or two before this a coworker asked me this, my response was … “basketball...” I felt awkward.. slightly offended... I play video games, usually in spurts, but I left that one out... dont know why... I though about how I have asked people this so many times before... did I offend anyone.. “just life man.. I dont fucking know... loving life” or something like that, was what I blurted out when I got frustrated about listing what I like to do for fun..
---Back to convo ---
Her: “what does that mean?” ***This much I had garnered when I read that first sentence in her about me section and she said 'I have a lot of medical issues and we are working on managing them'. I also thought that when she said I am looking for a man that likes to get dirty that she was looking for some guy to fool around with over the phone and nut be outside... god save me...****
Her: “and I hang with fam not much”
Me: “what dont you understand? Any activities in particular you enjoy?”
Her: “Your answer when I asked what u do for fun”
Her: “i ride horses own two love lots”
Me: “thats great. Horses are awsome animals” ***** I dont answer her because I know she does understand... somewhere....****
Her: “Thats y I love them :)”
Me: “I'd say just about as faithful and loyal as a dog”
Her: “Depends on the horse”
Me: “Well same could be said for dogs... I'd say it depends more on the owner”
Her: “Depends on the horse”
Me: “ha” *** thats twice she has denied me***
Her: “wanna txt?”
Me: “what are we doing now?”
Her: “just laying in bed u?” **** now she ignores me again.... and here I am doubting myself and my intuition about this woman's intentions, the truth that spoke to me and despite the misleading context I saw through... I saw the truth... thank you God...****
Me:”Bout to get work out and get ready for work”
Her: “very nice. Where do u work?”
Me: “In boston.” *** just getting back to her about an hour and a half later***
Me: “Don't take this the wrong way, and I apologize if this comes off as presumptuous, but I thought of a passage from the Bible when I was reading your profile and imagining how tough it must be to love God when having to overcome so many obstacles. I think you are a miracle and that your persistence is admirable. Though life sometimes gives us some obstacles I like to think that it's so others can see the miracle of God and not because of some judgement. Anyways the passage is John 9:1”
---- Break ---- **** I mean this girl knows she will get better, she is going to do all of these great things. What a miracle.... This Woman who could so easily fall in the trap of self pitty, when her infirmity constantly reminds her of the pity she should have on herself, the pitty from others that reminds her that she should have pity. I had a friend in highschool who lived with his Mom who was handicapped, his Dad had divorced her a while before things had developed as they had with her Multipler Sclerosis ( just checked the web, its multiple not multipler.. but I think ill leave it). Here he is in high school, living with his older brother, with a Catholic mother who is a devout christian, I mean “jesus stuff” litters their apartment, they are having to move out of different locations, It was a tough situation, I mean who am I to tell this guy – no matter how close we are – not to pitty himself... God forgive me for not being a better friend to him... one time I was hanging out with him and my cousin in one of the many places he lived during his high school years, and he just broke down crying. My cousin is a girl, and they had known eachother longer than I had, but still, I was closer... I was closer....
and it took my cousin... a young woman... to really open up they way he did... There were times now that I think about it, that he might have tried.. tried to let it out with me... but me... what did i do... I may not have said anything... bu the message I gave was... “be strong.”
….
what a dick....
….
God save us.... How shaken his faith must be... watching as his family is torn limb by limb. His oldest brother off doing his own thing, his oldest sister in NYC. His brother 2 years his senior off partying all the time then goes off to college... His mother handicapped, someone who has never stopped believeing in God someone who I so loving, so kind...
“What has god rewarded her faith her work in his church, her love... what has God rewarded her with? What has he rewarded me with? What have I done to deserve this?!??!?! This.... if there is a god and this is his work than I want nothing to do with him!!”
“God keep us.......”
In the shower yesterday, I was thinking about what I had imagined on the radiator that morning... I thought of those cartoons with the angel and the devil version of the cartoon character popping up over the shoulder of that cartoon character. I smiled.
So for those of you with no internet, with no bible to refer to.... the passage is this:
“1And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. 2And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? 3Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him. 4I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work. 5As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world. 6When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay, 7And said unto him, Go, wash in the pool of Siloam, (which is by interpretation, Sent.) He went his way therefore, and washed, and came seeing. 8The neighbours therefore, and they which before had seen him that he was blind, said, Is not this he that sat and begged? 9Some said, This is he: others said, He is like him: but he said, I am he. 10Therefore said they unto him, How were thine eyes opened? 11He answered and said, A man that is called Jesus made clay, and anointed mine eyes, and said unto me, Go to the pool of Siloam, and wash: and I went and washed, and I received sight. 12Then said they unto him, Where is he? He said, I know not.”
The rest of the chapter is actually quite good but goes off in a direction I shan’t go for now.... gotta love it when the king james brings the king james outta ya.
---- Back to Convo ----
Me: Just wanted to say thank you and may God keep you! Dont hate me for that eitehr.
Her: **** An hour later she gets back to me**** “Ok did you not wanna talk anymore. I was taking my midday nap”
And that was the end of our conversation, not because I didn't want to talk anymore... who said that? But because I was dismissed... denied.... ignored....
I haven't heard anything since on POF.
I think of this woman, my friend and another miracle Jesus performed comes to mind.
“2And, behold, they brought to him a man sick of the palsy, lying on a bed: and Jesus seeing their faith said unto the sick of the palsy; Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee. 3And, behold, certain of the scribes said within themselves, This man blasphemeth. 4And Jesus knowing their thoughts said, Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts? 5For whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and walk? 6But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (then saith he to the sick of the palsy,) Arise, take up thy bed, and go unto thine house. 7And he arose, and departed to his house. 8But when the multitudes saw it, they marvelled, and glorified God, which had given such power unto men.” - Matthew 9
wow.... Did jesus do this miracle... Did the man? Did Jesus do this through God, through the father? Did the man through Jesus, through the father in himself?
So gaga went to the grocery store one day, and something got a hold of him... a neighboring register opened up, and in his rush to get there before someone else he stumbled.... he fell.... “whack” went his head on the ground... blood everywhere, he goes to the hospital gets aptched up... but days go by and he has some kind of a seizure or something and they bring him in.. he has a clot in his brain.. he needs to have surgery... brain surgery... get that operated on...
“there you go... there you go medicine working right there!!! what do you have to say to that!! that was the Medical field that saved him! And you! You sit here and criticize that! Would he have lived otherwise.....”
“God guide us through these perilous times...”
So we do.. but because he cant get out anymore... they have to go and live with my aunt.. who lives by herself right now...
getting old... getting helpless.. who will take care of me when I am old?
“God temper our fear with faith, with your glory..”
Anyways...... So I waited for the call of the morning dove... to call.. to call again.....
the call never came...
But I got out of bed anyways, I got out of bed and made myself some tea... threw on some pants, a sweatshirt and fleece, a hat, some slippers.. and went down and outside with my tea.. I first went across the street because I wanted to listen to the birds and they always seem to be pretty active in the bushes and tree that is accrosss the street. Though I could hear birds in the distance none were there.. I looked to the east...
I saw the light of the son shining behind a tall building... rising.... where I was standing I figured would be the first spot the sun would hit when it rose high enough over the building, yet, despite the hot tea I was drinking, I grew cold. I looked to the east, waiting, wondering how long before the sun will rise high enough to shine on me and make me warmer, but I grew colder... then I began to think of that video I watched the other day of the preacher...
The message of the sermon was something that resonated with me, that God is an “in touch” god.. god with us.. we dont need to go to a special place to talk to god... we dont need to get someones permission, or someone to talk to go for us... God is with us! God is within us! That was the message of the sermon....
I grew a little tired, physically... I grew exceptionally cold... so I deceided I wont wait for the son to come to me, I will go to Beacon street, where the sun shines like a beacon for all to see. Yes the street is far more busy there, far more people... I was stiff from my bball game the night before last, and I was dehydrated... and for some reason walking a block seemed very arduous... and after I began walking to the loacation where I knew the sun would be shining, where the street would be bustling, I found myself thinking of the preacher.... “if could but touch... if I could but touch... if I could but touch... if I could but touch” the preacher said reenacting what the woman was saying to herself before she touched jesus' cloak and was healed.
I got to the street and stood there... I lifted my face up to the sun and just stood there... just what I did last night before I went to go on my date.. I felt the warmth... my muscles that were once tense relaxed.... I breathed.... I stood... People ran by me, getting their morning run in... The t rumbled by and I could feel the fence I was leaning on begin to shake as it did, I stood there and a woman walked by following her cute little dog which trotted ahead of her, no leash but still the dog did not wander... yes it led the woman by a 10 – 15 feet, but no further... pausing now and then to glance back, making sure that he/she hadn't strayed to far from the master, making sure that her master hadn't taken some turn she was not anticipating. The dog wanted to stay by her master while also leading...
The woman looked up at me and found me smiling and smiled...
“who is this man... Standing in the sun... on the sidewalk.. where is he going, doesnt he have somewhere to walk?”
I was smiling at the dog that had preceded her and looked up suddenly at the woman and found her looking at me... our eyes met and she quickly looked ahead... looked down... I said “morning..” she paused, her mind not her walk... not expecting a verbal greeting... not knowing what exactly to say... until a second later she fumbled out “good morning” and managed another smile, casting her eyes to look at me as she passed me by, keeping her head forward...
This is our oppression.
I stood out there a little while longer..... I made it back inside and was getting ready to write....
I heard the call of the morning dove....
“Thank you God!”
Thats all I can muster before I have to get ready for work.. ill be back layta tonight to hash out how my date went the night before. Maybe touch on some stuf who know what... but ill be back...
back... quickly just wanted to jto down what I was thinking about... when people might criticize me for what I have put down in here.... And i'd first like to point those critics to a passage from the bible... a quote from jesus..... but who cares really where it came from.... but for those of you who think it matters thats where its from....
“27And after these things he went forth, and saw a publican, named Levi, sitting at the receipt of custom: and he said unto him, Follow me. 28And he left all, rose up, and followed him. 29And Levi made him a great feast in his own house: and there was a great company of publicans and of others that sat down with them. 30But their scribes and Pharisees murmured against his disciples, saying, Why do ye eat and drink with publicans and sinners? 31And Jesus answering said unto them, They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick. 32I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” - Luke 5
Wow.. what does that say about Jesus' love, about God's love. What does that say about ourselves, about those of us who we call righteous, those of us who are perfect...
God thank you for your son, for the mercy that is his example... the bread we must eat, the wine we must drink... I know its not enough to just believe... I know its not enough to just repent, not enough to have mercy.... but to do all those things and to change myself.... Thank you god... for revealing this to me... thank you... thank you...
Thos of you who her that voice, “you think you could ever be jesus, You think you could ever be worthy... how can you... a man.. a sinner ever be god.. how can you ever know god... how!?? How can an imperfect being ever know a perfect being!?!? How dare you?”
You think Jesus himself was perfect, “how many times did Jesus himself have to rebuke the devil...even the night before his ascension, before he was raised up, he had his own doubts, his own failings...
"39And he came out, and went, as he was wont, to the mount of Olives; and his disciples also followed him. 40And when he was at the place, he said unto them, Pray that ye enter not into temptation. 41And he was withdrawn from them about a stone's cast, and kneeled down, and prayed, 42Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. 43And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him. 44And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground. 45And when he rose up from prayer, and was come to his disciples, he found them sleeping for sorrow, 46And said unto them, Why sleep ye? rise and pray, lest ye enter into temptation.”
but God was in him... god is in you... The kingdom of heaven is at hand... the scriptures are fulfilled in him! In you!
…. Will you go to him? On the last day, on your last day?
I have been listening to Sara Bareilles' “The Blessed Unrest,” and I have heard the prayer and want to pass that on...
Be brave and speak the truth... chase after the son... your hero of old... flee the society that has turned on you... know that you are not alone, yes god is with you and will always be, but there are otehrs, like you, that love you here on earth... so be bold, put yourself out there to god, don't put your faith just in love of another, love god first, then dance... because when you love god, and dance with those who are dancing to the same divine tune, your dance will echo throughout thre universe because the love you have with others for the glory of god is what is true, what is divine... And the divine will forgive you if you fall away, if you forget, he will go on for eternity, his son will never leave us until we all return to kingdom, nothing is wasted... so choose the father who loves you, become him and let him him become you... can you see the kingdom, the paradise that awaits you? But nay, dont forsake your brothers, dont forsake the world for the sake of your life in Paradise while your brothers toil in the clutches of deception.... So before you can realize that paradise, be an island, be a refuge from the torrents of the sea for your brothers, offer yourself for those lost at sea to wash up ashore and when you, yourself, see nothing but an endless sea of sorrow, take heed, look to the horizon; you have the Son, and he is rising... when you see the light drawing short, and it appears that theres nothing you can do, have faith, believe, embrace that holy name, know, the light is coming for us all; you can do this with him, you have come so far with him dont turn back now! But rest easy should you stumble, because you can never fall too far.
lift your eyes up to the hill for the coming of the glory... go to the sun.