Joe Shmo's origin story
Yours. Truly. | Sunday, April 12, 2015 -- 2:39 PM EDT
"Paranoid" rantings of an oppressed individual
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a new day right now..
I have stepped away from writing anyhting on here for a day... instead all yesterday I got the website I had been working on for years back in action, paid the bills, and then I also bought a new domain where I will post here all the things I say. I also managed to build a new website for that domain:a website to my liking. There are a few minor details to be worked out before I actually start publishing these entries but the time I am putting in now for this site will make things a lot easier for everyone involved later down the road.
Would it have behooved me to buy the domain in a more discreet manner, who can say. Just anonymity from the general public is pretty much all I am after. Besides, if somewhere down the road the government starts hating me enough, they will find out who is uploading these entries anyway if they really wanted to. Maybe the trick is to leave just enough bread crumbs so that the average guy with the right backing could maybe investigate where these entries came from in the event of my “untimely” disappearance.
How bizarre that kind of thing might sound to people, the idea that in America some shadowy figures might show up one day and disappear a person solely because of the views he expressed. But this the level of oppression we have resorted to in america, a culture of fear of the all powerful state. This is the world we have created. Yes I have a creative imagination, and I can imagine all sorts of different scenarios, but just because I am imagining them doesn't make them far fetched. These are all based on instances I have seen our government do in the past. I like to think I have a very real imagination.'
Sometimes I worry that they (as in the system, the world, the government, astate of mind) will kill me and make it look like a suicide when it gets to a point that my existence can no longer be tolerated, and my words actually pose a large enough threat to the system. I mean honestly, look at Ghandi, look at martin luther king, look at Jesus....
Holy shit, no I am not saying that I myself may be any where close to comparable to those men, but these men were all killed for their message, not because they actually posed any physical harm to anyone. “But if people started following their message it would ultimately lead to harm, death and destruction.” TO you sir, I say you are sorely misguided. You need to reexamine that belief.
Anyways, sometimes I go as far as to wonder if they will kill me, make it look like a suicide that was designed to make it look like other people killed me and made it look like a suicide so that it seems like I wanted to make it look like someone killed me and made it look like a suicide. That shit's diabolical. And sometimes I make myself sick.
Before I get any introspective stuff, I wanted to hash out some reflections on the world and maybe round out some thoughts that I had been trying to illuminate before I had to go to work two days ago. I woke up thinking about my life today. I have that 30 gs in debt for a bachelors degree in journalism that after everything is said and done, will likely do very little for me when it comes to getting a decent job.
I would imagine the same goes for most of everybody out there with bachelors degrees. These days you have to spend at least 6 years of your life after high school, and spend lots more money, if you want even a shot at getting a decent paying job, with which, on average, you can pay off the debt you accrued over that same time. Maybe you want to start a family and you want to “get” a house. You don't just get a house, you borrow one. Cus you borrowed the money for that mortgage to get that house, cus you have to pay your taxes if you want to keep that house, cus when you maybe want to leave that house to your family, they in turn will have to pay taxes so that they can even keep that house that you “owned” and decided to give to them. Then they will have to continue to pay “property” taxes if they want to keep that house.
Holy shit...
I am getting tired thinking about all these taxes, and I haven't even hashed out half of them. Back to the point... Journalism... my degree...
Do I want to spend another two years of my life, accomplishing for myself the same amount that I could accomplish in a tenth of the time at least than I could on my own, and not only that spending money to do so, so that I can get a piece of paper that saves some Joe Shmo at the interview table the couple minutes of actually analyzing what I bring to the table, of actually thinking for himself?
Nah, never that....
For what? For a job at a company that's existence depends solely on giving people what they think they need, and continuing to make them think that they need it. Focus all of my potential on a job that contributes nothing to the betterment of society but only pays off a few more dollars on my debt...
Fuck that....
I am not gonna fall for that trap.... I mean I look at my family, its history. At what point did working for the betterment of my family and children and the betterment of the community and human society as a whole become mutually exclusive? Because that is how it has appeared to have become.. Sure I can be a handyman around the house, but ultimately this house is gonna fall to ruin.. some corporate congolomerate is gonna come by and buy up the house and its land, knock this place down and build something newer, “better,” more expensive right over it... maybe the entire landmass of my town will be under water due to some geological shift, and not only will the house be rotting away in pieces scattered across the earth, but the ground which I inhabited will be too... So me, ill take care of me, Ill work hard and play hard. Go out golfing with the boys, get home from work and pop on this season's sports game to watch... maybe ill work hard and save up enough money so that I can go on vacation, maybe take the family too... the family... too.... maybe... I mean my family.... eventually I am confronted with my own mortality, I realize that my own life, this physical body, can only stick around for so long.. Yeah it was fun living up that time but I feel empty, I feel like haven't accomplished anything, all of that fun I had for myself, and maybe shared with others, all of those memories will ultimately fade from thought... Family... that is where my hope lies.... I'll work hard for my family, they are all that matters, I will work hard and leverage many assets which will ultimately be inherited by my family, who will ultimately take the reigns, realize what I have realized and do the same, and so on down the line, taking care of the family, their kids. But for what? Ultimately my fortune will likely be squandered, my name forgotten by my own kin... I spent a life time of focus on something that will ultimately be reduced to nothing. To ashes. To dust. To the earth. Thats where we're headed right?
Death...
Is that all? DOES ANYTHING HAVE ANY VALUE . . . ?
Anyways, I said I would stick to reflections about the world, society's world, and I will do my darndest. I mean, I look at the state of Journalism and I wonder “why?” “how?” “who?” What can I blame for the dilapidated state of this once so noble profession? The Elite! That's who, they own those massive corporate conglomerates which in turn run the Journlism institutions, they sit there and dictate form on high which stories and thoughts are to be pursued, which aren't. Blame accomplished. Ill go back to my life, changing nothing, because I am insignificant. I don't have any power in this world of men. I am a fucking speck of sand on a beach waiting to be stepped on so that I can move, waiting for the wave of the ocean to wash me away.
Fuck that noise... nah... I am a Christian man... I am powerful... I have a voice... my words alone will move mother fucking mountains.... I will be strong!! I will have life!!!!!
I am not gonna swallow that shit you feed me.. !
I jerked off again yesterday and never felt so fucking useless... Here I am starting a fucking website with message that will be capable of reaching millions of people, I am creating, I am rambling about how strong I am and I can't muster the gumption to keep my hands of my penis.
“What happened to a christian man? You're fucking sad.... You aren't shit... you are nothing!”
No.....
It is me... I am responsible.... I allowed this world of men to fall into the chaos it has... I am a christian man with a christian will and it is my denial of that self that has allowed this world to evolve... and I will forgo the self no longer... I will...
I went on Plenty of Fish when I woke up this morning.. I am fucking sad... what will do I have when I resort to a fucking app on my phone to get me a date, when I feel like I need a date at all.... what is this....? I am fucking massive dick as well.. if that hasn't already been established... I wont deny that... AS a matter of fact I should do this girl I got a date with on tuesday the favor of never seeing me again because I will only destroy her in the end, I am a fucking time bomb. Today, you would be hard pressed to find a girl that wants to continue in a relationship where your life doesn't revolve around her, and to be honest, a part of me knows thats what she deserves, but me I have seen the life that awaits me, I'd love to give myself entirely to another who can in turn do the same for me but I can't. Because must instead give my life entirely to everything.... I am a christian man...
This is my oppression...
I did that after, my first awake, conscious thought was about journalism about what I wanted to tell you and am telling you now.. Before that, I was sleeping, dreaming, but those memories are to far off now... what a mystery, dreams. How do they slip away so far so fast....? Tomorrow... tomorrow I promise.... I will have some dreams for you but for now you will have to settle for my waking dreams.
Journalism.... “stay on target” the Star Wars nerd in me says to myself.
“Besides, everyone loves a good pop culture reference, they can relate better.”
I wonder what a psycho-analyst might have to say about what I have written so far. I think it would be amusing.
So... Journalism....blame... Life...
What am I working for? What am I working toward? The answer to these questions are what I have come to see as responsible for Journalism and every other social construct in the world. How one answers these questions are consequently determined by how one views the self... who “I” is...
Because ultimately even if there are many “I's” if everyone is working toward their own “I” aren't they actually working together, whether aware of it or not? A kind of collective consciousness if you will? Maybe you think your working on one of many team's, the same principle applies, just on another level. So from many “I”s there is one. One ring. What a ring of power this is, to realize this, and dangerous. This man is the beast. But you must also be wise to he machinations of this beast, so that you may not succumb to such manipulations.
Maybe your “I” is as its roman numeral might suggest, one. From one “I” come many. Can you honestly say that you are operating with the sole interests of everyone, of everything! First off, how arrogant does one have to be to say that?!? WOW. Shit. Balls. I am gonna walk away from that for now. Plant that seed and let it grow.
But there is a difference there. Between those “I”s.
Sometimes I find myself thinking stuff like, “those clouds over there, they're parting because of me.” Shortly thereafter I think I am an arrogant ass hole that needs to get a grip, but the fact remains that I can think that. The potential is there. After all, that is what “cutting edge” science wants us to believe. Quantum physics and all that fancy shit.... consciousness.... These scientists are scratching the surface of philosophy. This is the age of insight. But I know that beneath the surface of “I” there is one “I,” and he is king forever. He parts the clouds for me. I have felt him, he calls me, and I will go. I will....
How could I possibly expect to get in a relationship? I probably have the most massive ego ever and I'd like to think that there is room for someone else's? I don't even deserve to be loved... Do people care about this? Does this even fucking matter?
I mean, a psycho analyst would read this shit and probably deem it very likely that I killed myself, if I ever did wind up getting found dead in an apparent suicide. I have officially inserted foot in mouth.
So I promised that I would l focus on the world shit, stuff that we can more easily analyze.... After all.. this is a blog about oppression, I can't very well oppress myself... right?
So we can sit philosophize about the self, but I'd rather focus on the social world; it's oppression.
No fuck that, I'll get to that later. Its like a puzzle, you see the picture, you have the vision, and you can put the pieces together more easily, without the vision its a fucking crap shoot, trial and error. Not to say that it can't be done, but its difficult. And I am not gonna say that I can spare you of those trials, after all this is a big puzzle, I haven't even finished this monster yet, but I have seen the vision, and I want to share it with you so that you can help me build it. No, I dont want to share the vision with you , I want ot remind you of it. Cus I know at one point or another you have seen it, maybe you dont remember it, but the vision is within you, the all encompassing “I” is in you just as it is in me. There will be some parts of the vision where everything looks the same, and you will have to try putting those pieces together based on the shape. But ill save you some trouble and maybe something to remember that you are working toward.
When you realize that whether you want to or not, you are working towards something, even if you think your work for nothing. You must realize the wisdom which a green martian shared with a young jedi, “There is no try, there is only do or not do.” When you realize this, you must make a conscious choice to work toward the “I” that is Joe Shmo, can you really feign ignorance at this point now too, because the truth is it was just convenient for you to ignore the truth that this is what you were doing. “I” that is made of of a bunch of Joe Shmos, or you must forsake Joe Shmo. You must choose choose death of Joe Shmo because how could one ever serve the one I without Submitting entirely to the ….
All well and good but let's talk about logistics, how the hell are we ever going to achieve this social order. Well we know that social institutions are created from people, we have to help people understand who they are, because right now they think they are just this accident, that there is nothing before, we have to address the anrrative being told as fact,w e have to address the demonization of religion and the persecution of free thought by the false self, by the ego. When we realize that this is being used a sa clever contorl mechanism by those who are full well aware of the “I”s to be chosen and propogate such farcicalities. WE have to not persecute these people but we have to break free from their strings, make them humble so that they themselves can realize that they are misguided.
We have to speak the truth, and not fall into the traps of life, the messages that convince us we need stuff that we don't. I don't need an intamate relationship with this girl, albeit it would be a nice, but if what I am really looking for, do I need to first fuck them and live with them for three years before I might feel comfortable enough discussing my inner most thoughts, my inner most feelings without the fear of persecution. Fear....
What do I have to fear..... Fear..... what the fuck is fear...
“Greater is the one... who's in us …. greater is the one who calls our name, he will never fail...
Stronger is the one.... within us.... stronger is the one... who fights for us.... he will never fail.... you will never fail...
For your love endures forever... all your love endures forever.....
Open up my eyes... surround us with your light... your love endures forever.....
Mighty is the one... who's for us... mighty is the one... who's strong to say... he will make a way... you will make a way..
For your love endures forever... all your love endures forever.....
Open up my eyes... surround us with your light... your love endures forever.....
Our god is fighting for us always... our god is fighting for us all.. our god is fighting for us always.. we are not alone... we are not alone...
Our god is fighting for us always... our god is fighting for us all.. our god is fighting for us always.. we are not alone... we are not alone...”
Sorry just felt the urge to write that down.. listening to that song right now... and you know what... maybe I am not sorry. Maybe the urge I felt to write that down, share that verse with you will have some effect that will in turn... what if it doesn't.... what if no one fucking reads any of this..... does it matter? What matters? Matter....
“God our strength.. god our savior... god our hope.. yours forever is the glory.. the honor..
god our shield.. god our shelter.. god our rock... yours forever is the glory... the honor....the victory... and power... you're greater... GREATER!! There's no one like our god.. you alone are worthy... god you are greater.. greater!!! there's no one like our king.. all the earth is singing.. god you are greater.... you are you are... god you are greater... you are... you are...
god our peace... god our father... god our rest... yours forever is the glory... the honor... the victory.... and power. Your greater... GREATER!! There's no one like our god you alone are worthy.. god you are greater.. greater!!! there's no one like our king.. all the earth is singing.. god you are greater.... you are you are... god you are greater... you are... you are...
You have over come the world... took the keys from death and hell... and joined in heaven we declare.. you're greater... GREATER!! You have over come the world... took the keys from death and hell... and joined in heaven we declare.. you're greater, GREATER!! You have over come the world... took the keys from death and hell... and joined in heaven we declare.. you're greater GREATER!!”
What matters!? How bout this... what I do.. what I choose... I choose GOD. And, by god, I will do great mother fucking things!!! I will let him work though me...
So logistics... let me tell you... here in the united states we can expect a tough bout. It's not going to be pleasant.. Because we are the bastion for the internet... for a culture of freedom... so the enemy has had its eye fixed here, but let me tell you.... so has God... and he will not Forsake you!!! For fucks sake.. how ridiculous does that might sound to the person who hasn't seen what I have seen, who doesnt know what I know.... but to those of you who might feel this way I whole heartedly ask you to open your mind, open your heart and you will realize how Great God is....
I have prayed to god, that he would do miracles so that people might believe... but then god revealed to me how even in the time of Jesus.... he did miracles... maybe the people who saw those miracles believed.. but some of them didn't even believe then... then those who didn't see the miracles didn't believe.. and no the so called leader of the christian world has reduced the story of Jesus to an analogy.
Then he revealed to me the miracle that is life, I mean a miracle is all a fucking round us and yet still people write it off as some kind of accident and still people don't believe. He deos this miracle yet people refuse to accept hiim as the one true Lord of the universe. How jaded are we!!???
“Awww you fucking dick.. what hard times have you seen.. prolly none.. you fucking spoiled shit... sitting here on your high hill, driving around in your car while people toil in the fucking trenches of SHIT!!! Go get your arm blown off by a drone and then tell me god will come and save us.... Your biggest fucking worry in the week is whether or not your bananas are organic or if there is high fructose corn syrup in your fucking ketchup... when was the last time you worried about armed militants raiding your fucking town and raping your women... killing your fathers... go look death in the face and then get back to me as to whether or not you choose to live and compromise some of your so called morals, or a fucking bullet to the brain... you pompous shit...”
…............
“You hear our prayer.. you see our need... nothing is too hard for our god.... so we will move our faith in you... nothing is too hard for god.... Our hearts are hopeful... our faith believing... we're not alone.. you are here... your promise tells us... you're always with us... we're not alone.. you are here.”
So God in his wisdom has answered my prayers and revealed to me that it isn't through great supernatural wonders that men will believe, they would simply write them off as unexplained natural phenomenon or later as fictitious stories. Instead it was revealed to me that it will be through the great wonders that will be accomplished by God through men... and through them their faith will be realized...
“I will trust in you... I will trust in you... cus you're all I need.... cus you're all I need...
All I have for your glory Jesus.... all I am... for your kingdom... your name...”
Man I am fucking nuts...
“Faithful... in the waiting you are... faithful.... in the valley you are... faithful.. in the midst of hurt and pain you are... faithfull...
Your promises remain forever and ever... you wont fade away... You will never change you're unchanging god..”
“What am I supposed to stand back and watch as a man forcibly enters my wife from behind as shes weeping and the children watch!!?? Who would I be?!?! My children would view me as a coward... my wife would never forgive me..... Should I do nothing to avenge the death of our fathers.....”
God save us........
“You are Lovely... you are wise.... there is nothing in my life you cannot revive... you are lovely... you are wise... there is nothing too hard for our god...
Your word inside of me... my strength.. my everything... my hope will always be Jeeeeessuuuuuuuss...”
….......
I dont want to talk a bout the threats of the world anymore... I want to look at my own life.... Cus when I say I am looking at the world, am I looking at the world that is or the world that I am told to see... bu thten again.. the same can be said for myself... Am I the hand happy, about to be 27 year old loser, that cant pay his bills without the help of his family.. I mean here I am saying I wont accept money from the government but I accept money from them who in turn ….
here I am talking about moving to newhampshire to avoid income taxes... but ultimately even if I didn't pay my taxes and for some reason the government didn’t decide to pursue me, they would just ruin my credit rating and whatever else, which would be fine.... maybe... would be able to find a place to live? Would there be landlords that will let me live in their building... I mean the landlords pay taxes... to the system..... I cant live in society ….. I must take to the fucking woods where even there I will ultimately be hunted... become the sad vagabond on the streets...
“whats so wrong with paying taxes? They pave our roads which allows for trade that in the end facilitates food from rural america to feed those who cant grow their own food.”
Maybe so... maybe that is a positive... but where else does the tax money go... it subsidizes the bullshit in the world.... I mean most money goes to subsidizing banks which is a little fucking ironic.... Fuck this noise..
“Greater is the one... who's in us... greater is the one... who call's our name...”
“I mean seriously though... it would be utter chaos with the collapse of the financial system....”
Says who?!?! Who is the one dictating this potential reality... oh right... I forgot... the one that needs that financial system to continue... well I tell you what... you can keep those dollars.. I am going to work and trade with those who want to trade what I have....
“….uh uh uh.... tsk tsk... you cant do that.. you cant just trade what you want to.. you have to tell me you traded that.. you have to claim that.. so that I cant take a cut of that trade you made....”
CAN I FUCKING BREATHE?!?!?!? PLEASE!!!! HANDS UP DONT FUCKING SHOOT ME?!!??
Where the fuck is the outrage over this... nooo... instead the prop up the ignorance.. they stoke the fires of the ego... the division...
The american Dream isn't to leverage more slaves than the other, because that is what your dollar represents... not just a medium with that facilitates trade of a certain value.Iit represents the amount of Money that was taken against a person's will....
There are those with families who pay their taxes because they want to look out for their families... because the tax man comes knocking and they can't risk losing their family to be the “property” of the state. An institution that, not a human. And we want institutions to raise human beings!!! Get off the father's ass so he can be a fucking father... Get off the mother's back so she can be a fucking mother...
Both parents off to work so they can manage to pay the fucking bills... who the fuck is raising the kids... the teenage nanny that's texting on her phone trying to figure out how she can best live out the varsity blues...
How long will we subsidize this madness... because thats what we do when we choose to pay the tax man, when we decide we want to work two jobs so that we can afford to live in a town where the kids aren't shooting eachother.... wait they are because their fucking parents are home and rather than be there for their kids they put them on some drugs.....
Take yourself out of the equation and exmaine wher we are going as a society... because I tell you now.... I see a great sadness befalling america and the world if we don't change our ways.. if we don't stop oppressing the christian will... because the “christian” will is the only true will that loves....
Where the fuck are we!?!? Is anyone listening.... what are we waiting for?! This is bullshit... but we go along with it anyways... because someone convinced us to fear something... fear what?
“In god we trust”
What happened to that!??! Are we so disconnected from reality.....
“Give me faith.. to trust what you say.. that your good and your love is great.. I'm broken inside.. I give you my life...”
Look at what I am faced with?!?! I am a man with a christian will and I am oppressed..
Do I need to actually live what is about to happen... I don't want to leave my people, my family....
For those of you worried you are alone... you are never alone.. I am out there.. other's are out there... god is with you!!! We need to rise up like the power of god and descend on this madness in a great flash... and strong, rolling rumbling thunder will follow and shake all the earth... so that the whole world will know the power... the truth...
“You are the only king forever... all mighty god we lift you higher... you are the only king forever... forever more you are victorious”
oh ye of little faith...
…..
Im done with that for today...
I am gonna talk about me for a little bit..... give you a little taste... I am 27... I just fucking moved out of my parents house... I worked as a waiter living at my parents and spent most, if not all, of my money on healthy food and buying resources to help me become more indpendent or “prep” for survival scenarios... wait.... fast forawrd that rewind... I am gonna start young... I am gonna go back as far as I can remember.... because I was a boy once.. I was a baby.... before that I dont know what I was... one can only oneder.
I have small glimpses of memories of taking baths in the sink, drinking out of a sippy cup – and by the way, those things were awesome, why did I ever stop drinking out of those? Oh yeah, because someone told me I had to be a big boy and big boy's drank out of cups. I remember getting my ass wiped by the day care lady after taking a shit, playing with plato at that daycare... Yeah those were the days, I remember building lightsabers as a kid with my neighbor who was my age, lightsabers out of paper and having lightsaber battles.. I remember laying down in our yard and looking up at the sky... looking at the clouds and just watching them as they went by.....
Man did I love those clouds, the fluffy ones that looked so heavenly.
I remember starting CCD, or young Catholic Child Doctrine. I joke, but it was like a school for catholic church youth here we learned about the bible about god and also about doctrine... and You know what... I am very grateful for all of you that have helped to make that happen, all of you in history... all of you... I mean the amount of people that have dedicated their lives to God, I mean it is a miracle.... I mean look at the history of the persecution that is brought on people whose only crime was to live with god look at the slander of various institutions, governments, have brought on the name of God, yet God has still prevailed to reach little me. Their work has carried through the generations, millenia, to reach little me, one of 6 some odd billion people on the planet on that time, and it has reached many many more people than just little me. That is power... There is a power in truth...
I digress. I was very grateful for Jesus as a youth, I found his story fascinating. I couldn't tell you if it was his story or the fact that one day decided to investigate what my parents were making me do every Sunday and Monday.
I remember at one point my Mom, bless her heart, was talking about me on the phone with her sister, or someone, and I overheard her say, “I Think he could be Jesus.” I don't know exactly what I may have said or done that might have prompted my mother to say such a thing, but... but... I think the fact that she said that, and I heard her say it, that it may have been one of, if not the greatest, blessing of my life. It forced me to compare myself to Jesus. It made me look at where I fell short. It did something. I remember that to this day. Today I, in the funny way god will reach out to you and com full circle, I now realize the irony of her saying that. My oh my, the irony in our lives, if we but only examined just a little bit... its almost comical...
But fastforward, I get a little bit older. I go through lemetary school. I can remember dressing up as Ben Franklin, my mom helped me put together a great costume for a presentation. I think I remember propogating that story of the key and the kite and discovering eletricity and what not. But I remember reading other interesting things about Franklin.
You know what... I am gonna stop for now.. ill be back some time soon to write more... I dont even know who I am writng this to. Maybe myself? I mean by the time I get the website fucntioning enough to upload this it wont even matter.....
If I take a break...
Break had... It's the next day..
And, first, I just wanted to share how much of a dick head I am with everyone... So I downloaded this dating app because for a while I thought that maybe It would help me find someone that just wants to love, not necessary fuck, but just love for a while... no expectations of the future.. but despite what people may say... thats not really what they're looking for, and maybe thats not even really what I am looking for... id on't fucking know anymore... Even if it starts out as something with that intent, say you grow to love each other, are you just going to stop loving each other because a certain predetermined time period has elapsed? I mean it's all kind of bull shit. For a while I convinced myself that I just didn't want to hurt anyone because I knew that I would eventually do that given the path I have foreseen my life having to follow. Now I realize its more of me avoiding any temptations that my sway me from facing the difficult trials I must face in the future, avoid any further arguments the ego can use to dissuade me. I could love one of you so much.... and maybe you would love me as much too.... man that sounds so great... Instead I have chosen to love all of you so much, and in turn be persecuted by you... Because, though you may say to yourself that you aren't persecuting me, you are going along with this system that is persecuting me. You are oppressing me...
Anyways.. for almost my entire teenage years I was over weight. It started in about 6th grade. Things between my parents started going sour, my dads computer business started falling apart and they just started fighting a lot. I don't think it was even because of the business not working out either but I can't really say for sure. I remember loving my dad as a kid but just really resenting his temper. He would lose it pretty quick and I never really liked that about him. I think I can remember him coming to a baseball game or two of mine but he was usually out working or whatever else, so naturally I grew closer with my Mom, who was a stay at home Mom. I never really felt like I could talk to my Dad. He had to play the bad cop I guess, and that's tough. I respect him though. Now, as I get older I feel that distance growing. Yeah, I see my parents a lot more than most other people my age, but still, I just feel like I am drifting further away from them.
Anyways, I never let my weight define me. I think thats why later in life I was able to lose most of it. But I can remember in the years of my youth I would convince myself to keep the extra pounds so that I might find a woman that would love me for me and not the amount abdominals they could see.
And now, I find myself flipping through a dating app, hitting “yes”, “no”, or “maybe” based purely on their photo, granted to the apps credit there is a button for exploring that persons profile but I forgo that step for the most part. Meanwhile, for my own profile pic I didn't include an image of myself but instead of Jesus on a bench with a young man who has set out on a journey with his back pack, doing so with the similar hope I had in mind. I mean I am the biggest fucking hypocrite out there...what am I even doing this for... why am I such a dick... I mean I borderline harassed a girl on the damn thing... I was reading her profile and it said she was a swim instructor, I knew it was probably a little out of line and she probably would be a little bit offended, but I went ahead with it anyway just to see if maybe she would find it charming in that I used a fucking lame and pigsih pick up line and on a dating app of all places, one of the most likely places to find a fucking nut or creep – atleast thats what we're conditioned to think about the internet.
“Maybe you can help me work on my breaststroke on our first date?” I asked. Immediately regretted it. There is something that gets lost in translation somewhere along the line of communication. Even in this, I'll never really be able to fully express what it is I have come to in my life, what has been revealed to me. I guess the best I can hope for is that I can inspire people to look at the world, to look at their lives a little bit more differently, as if something is trying to show them something: not necessary explicitly like me writing to you here in these entries, but also in your self through; the symbols that only your mind can interpret; a code only you can break.
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After I cut my hair and threw a profile pic of myself up I got a date the next day, which will be happening in a couple days... I find myself praying to god to help keep me on his path... maybe to make this not even work out. Is this the path? I mean after all, I prayed that god would reveal to me what he wants me to do, and he instantly told me to “love.” That was God, right? Revealing to me through the thought that popped in my mind what he wanted me to do? To follow what is first among his law, “to love the lord thy God with all of thy heart and to love thy neighbor is yourself.” If I love this girl, will it stop me from loving everyone else? Will it stop me from loving everything else? If I love this girl will I in turn love everything else? Sometimes I just get so bogged down and thinking about if I do this am I really doing it because of this or am I doing it for that I get so lost. Other times I just let go.... and something grabs on,..
Now that I put that out there I'll move on and likely revisit that later..
Why must I oppress myself so? Holy crap.
This morning after I woke up I thought about the dream I was having later in my sleep so that I might remember it and share it here. But I woke up and laid in bed for a while just thinking and I wanted to share something that I thought about in that time first before the dream, because I think it poses more valid questions. I was thinking about how I am sharing this with you and I don't even know who you are, am I really just sharing this with myself, because as it stands I don't even know if anyone will fucking read this. But than I realize that maybe I AM sharing this for myself and not others, after all who the fuck cares about me in this dog eat dog world.
No, I am doing this for me, to help me better understand me. But what I was thinking lying in bed this morning, who is this, what is this thing that is teaching me to understand myself, the world. I mean throughout the history of the world great scientists have discovered, not invented, great things about the world and how it works. What is it that enables to just realize these things. Yes I am sitting hear writing this stuff to you so that you can maybe better understand me, and yes maybe I think I am doing this for you but am doing it for me, but who is talking to me in my head making me understand me, helping me understand the world?
Anyways, I have been waiting tables at the same place for just about a year now. Before that, for a little over two years, I was at two other restaurants doing the same thing, the first of which I started out as a host for a couple months.
My parents bought me a couple suits to wear for the job because I had it in mind, being fresh out of college, that I was going to be doing interviews as well. I wanted to get a job so that I could help pay off the debt I had acrued over my time attending school. Though my parents had agreed that they would pay for my college, I still felt like I wanted to help them pay for it, I still want to help them pay for it... I thought I'd just get a great job so that I might pay off my debt and be ready to leave the system without making the burden any harder on anyone else. But then I realized maybe that is just some clever excuse the ego has cooked up to keep me distracted a little longer, and I thought what excuse will it be after I get that piad off, will I have other bills that need paying off... Fast forward two years ahead and I am stilll working as a fucking waiter with having personally paid off very little of my student loan, and managed to accrue about 8 thousand dollars of debt on my credit card debt....
“well now I have to stick around and pay down this credit card so.... So why!? I need to pay these taxes this year... gotta keep my nose to the grind stone.... why? What am I accomplishing? What am I building??? what has it been for?!??!?!?!?! What is it all for??!?? Why are we here?!? What's the point?!”
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purpose....
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How can I expect a government – of the people, in existence of me – to do what is best for me if I dont even know whats best for me. If I don't have a purpose? If the purpose I have convinced my self is my own purpose, is just the purpose of somone else? If my own purpose
Sometimes I actually thought I believed that I would go out there and subject myself to the plan that the system had for me, that I would heal like a good dog. Deep down, though, I think I knew what my life would ultimately become. I think at some point, very early on, I made a covenant with my self to try and right the world that I knew was fucked. But I couldn't very well help fix problems that I didn't understand. Is that why I'm at where I'm at today?
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