Lonely, horny, and affraid...
Yours. Truly. | Thursday, February 4, 2016 -- 12:51 AM EST
just some musings of love life and death
This entry is accompanied by a youtube playlist:
I Just watched some videos on youtube, it was people in fighting, calling each other co-intel-pro, or part of a psyop. The sad part is, psyops exist. Essentially, governments carry out psychological warfare on their own populations, to keep their narrative in play. For example, propoganda, recently popularized by the Nazis and Joeseph Goebbels.
But all of this propaganda, lies and infighting has created an environment where people get so disillusioned that they don't know which way is up. Calling someone a psyop agent; or someone else a provocateur. Its causing us to revert back to the broken system where we must refer to people who have titles and investments as authorities, allowing us to circumnavigate the authority of our hearts or the validity of what is actually valid. It detracts our efforts and focus from pointing out flawed thought processes that have created exactly the world that we have today. We get distracted from our own responsibility, the role we have played, our responsibility to pursue the truth. What has created a culture institutionalized disinformation and lies is considered acceptable?
As you may tell this entry is a little bit more heavily edited, from a conceptual stand point. Maybe it will make things more or less coherent, I dont know. I'm just gonna go for it hopefully anyone bothering to read this will too. Sorry if I start sounding boring with very formal language and this begins to sound like a essay. Bu back to the story.
Similarly, my “conscious” mind plays the same sorts of tricks when I start to do any self reflection about who I am, what I am, my place in life and the nature of reality.
So again, all of these people and things will be distracting us from the truth, lying to us, knowingly or unknowingly, willingly or unwillingly. The levels of the illusion could go ad infinitum. We must be focused. I must be vigilant in our quest for truth and steadfast in my resolve to protect the truth within me and not allow myself to be trivialized, victimized, and lobotomized.
Reading the bible, a treasure trove of truths and wisdom, I sometimes easily fall susceptible to the trap of taking everything as gold, and also that everything isn't, or even that how I first read something is necessarily how it was meant. Whether its allowing others to walk all over with me with passages like “turn the other cheek,” forgiving people “seventy seven times seven”. How do I know that this system of thought is just as much a control as any other. How do I know that these aren't just my own misinterpretations?
“1Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. 3And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? 4Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? 5Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.
15Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. 16Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? 17Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. 18A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. 19Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. 20Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
21Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. 22Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? 23And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.” - Matthew 7, King James Version
Wait, so I am told not to judge yet how can I act in accordance with God if I don't in fact judge on which action is right and which action is wrong? A damned if I do damned if I don't scenario. Is it only when I stop seeking the truth, righteousness that I can actually live in accordance with what is right and good? To an extent, isn't that what many have done which has created the world of men that we live in now? This world filled with sorrow for so many.. people have become so egocentric and looking out for themselves that the world of men has begun to eat itself to correct the misbalance.
I frequently think back to why Jesus refers to himself as “the son of man.” Is this done to show that his divinity was born from man's iniquity. Aren't we told that god sent him into to the world to save them of their sin, was he born of man's sin? Did he refer to himself as this because it was his life as a man that gave birth to the person he became? He said that God was his father yet called himself the son of man..? Anyways, just something to ponder that I have pondered..
I think about how I wish we could live.... what it might be like in heaven... I think about the world... Why couldn't no one own anything? What if we all served each other? What if we were all one? Aren't we anyways? This world... I feel like its just a fucking game. Each day is another level, a new challenge calling me away from the bullshit... There is an innate desire in me to correct someone when I think they are wrong, when I feel wronged but don't I know that they only wrong themselves that the one will correct them for me. I want to help them to see... but would they even bother to look?
Sometimes I wonder if anyone stops to think about life? How quickly we can change, talking about problems and the evils of the world and then right after go about falling victim to the same evils.
Isn't that how it works anyways? People need to see for themselves? People need to make themselves that good ground. I can just be there for people who care to listen? I just need to be the big oak letting my acorns fall where they may and hope that they land somewhere, or that some squirrel carries it off somewhere else where it can grow into more...
I often eat a cookie or two despite knowing that its bad, even after reading an article from some authority on health that says its good for me, still, I feel bad about eating it. Is it just some old perception or programming I have about eating it that is really just another level of false hood trying to control me, or is it something more than that?
The book of John is for the most part dedicated to this exact quandary, which thankfully helps to alleviate some distress someone would obviously feel it fully grasping the entirety of what they are being taught in the bible up until then.
What is this familiar truth that whispers to us, how have we unknowingly learned? How is a single cell able to replicate and form a fetus with a brain and arms and legs. What is this information? How was it made? How does everything seem to come from nothing?
I found this song a couple weeks ago on youtube, its called “Reasons – The Alan Watts and Chillstep Mix” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bD2NWl6C05o) and while I may or may not necessarily agree, or even grasp what he says he says a few things that I feel are just undeniable, he was able to express something very eloquently, that spoke to what I have thought or gone through in my own life. “Doesn't it really astonish you, that you are this fantastically complex thing, and that you are doing all of this and that you have never had any education on how to do it?”
What does that say about life? That there exists something that is self evident, something that just is … that we aren't these creatures apart that we are often led to believe, but we are in fact interconnected with the entirety of existence? Quantum entanglement. Much the same physicists are able to take two physically separate particles and when one particle is acted upon, the sister particle that is a great distance away reacts the same simultaneously. Almost as if at a certain level, there is no time or distance. Its like the yin yang, the two opposing perspectives are really one. I think about sickness and disease, and really its when something is corrupted and ceases to operate on the premise that it is a part of a unit and it ultimately consumes its host and itself in the process. Where the host unit is the fail-safe to the host unit of the host unit. Though the host failed to recognize and correct the problem, and say for example fix or kill the cancerous cells, the host of hosts kills the host unit.
My grandfather just died on Christmas eve from an aggressive brain tumor. Or at least that's what we say he died from, but what did he really die from? Well his heart failed from the brain not working properly. Well then, how did his brain tumor develop? He stopped being active in the hospital. He took medications for some other ailment he developed in the past, blood clots in the brain which developed after he fell in the supermarket. How did he fall? Well he was hurrying to get over into an checkout aisle before someone else did and tripped and fell and hit his head. Why was he in a hurry?
I love my grandfather, he was a good man, but to say that he was without his shortcomings would be a lie, cus we all have some. The one that eventually got the best of him was something that ultimately stemmed from his impatience. And the nature of the world he grew up in, that we all grow up in is tempting us. To survive in a dog eat dog world.
Our decisions that we make in our minds and confirm with how we live and what we say, I think these have far reaching implications for this “uni” verse that we inhabit, and that our inner most feelings and thoughts reverberate throughout ourselves and the world..
“I don't want to be the center of anything... just a part of something bigger...”
I think about the passage from the bible where Jesus speaks about the ritual of washing the hands...
“1Then came together unto him the Pharisees, and certain of the scribes, which came from Jerusalem.
2And when they saw some of his disciples eat bread with defiled, that is to say, with unwashen, hands, they found fault. 3For the Pharisees, and all the Jews, except they wash their hands oft, eat not, holding the tradition of the elders. 4And when they come from the market, except they wash, they eat not. And many other things there be, which they have received to hold, as the washing of cups, and pots, brasen vessels, and of tables. 5Then the Pharisees and scribes asked him, Why walk not thy disciples according to the tradition of the elders, but eat bread with unwashen hands?
6He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me.
7Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.
8For laying aside the commandment of God, ye hold the tradition of men, as the washing of pots and cups: and many other such like things ye do.
9And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition. 10For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death: 11But ye say, If a man shall say to his father or mother, It is Corban, that is to say, a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; he shall be free. 12And ye suffer him no more to do ought for his father or his mother; 13Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye.
14And when he had called all the people unto him, he said unto them, Hearken unto me every one of you, and understand: 15There is nothing from without a man, that entering into him can defile him: but the things which come out of him, those are they that defile the man. 16If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.
17And when he was entered into the house from the people, his disciples asked him concerning the parable. 18And he saith unto them, Are ye so without understanding also? Do ye not perceive, that whatsoever thing from without entereth into the man, it cannot defile him; 19Because it entereth not into his heart, but into the belly, and goeth out into the draught, purging all meats? 20And he said, That which cometh out of the man, that defileth the man. 21For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, 22Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: 23All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.” - Mark 7, King James Version
Over this past summer I read a letter from my great grandfather to his children and its stuck with me, and I get the feeling it will for a long time. It was a letter he crafted offering them the greatest life lessons he had learned up until that point in his life. I took a picture of it and I will find it and include it in this post, but the essence of it was telling them the things that are most important in life. He even went as far as to list them in order: 1) health, 2) living within your means because the only one who will take care of you is yourself. He was a successful man when it came to business, starting a candy company that did well and branched off into restaurants in the 30s. He went as far as to end the letter rather ominously by saying that “How well off a man is physically or financially is a matter of what he saves. It depends upon harmony and the way things are done. Every man must have a job in order to live and look after his family and be comfortable and happy. This means taking responsibility and being more interested in his job than anything else. It means being careful and saving. You are all on your own. The future depends upon yourself. It is a serious matter and I hope you will give it your very careful attention.”
“And I'll use you as a warning sign.... that if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind... and i'll use you as a focal point... so I don't lose sight of what I want.... and I gone further than I thought I could... but I missed you more than I thought I would... and I'll use you as a warning sign... that if you talk enough sense than you'll lose your mind.... whoaa and I found love where it wasn't supposed to be.... right in front of me... talk some sense to me... and I found love... where it wasn't supposed to be .. right in front of me.... talk some sense to me...
and ill use you as a make shift gate.... of how much to give and how much to take... ill use you as a warning sign.... that if you talk enough sense than you'll lose your mind.... whoas and I found love where it wasnt supposed to be... right in front of me... talk some sesene to me.... and I found love where it wasnt supposed to be.... right in front of me.... talk some sense to me.....”
I just remember being struck by the fact that god wasn't included in his top priorities. I looked at his list and thought wow this guy must have really been an ass hole. How it seemed as though he was coming from a very tough world and with little faith in anything beyond himself. Then I felt bad for him, how alone he must have felt. But then I questioned whether or not what he had to say was valid. I look back at it, and I do gain wisdom from his words which may not have been intended for me, or from words which he wrote but which maybe meant something different to me.
What is my job? My job as a man to live and I cant live without a job... What does it mean to live?
“my name is judas and my hands are tiiiieedddd... and even my presence is a warning sign.... that wherever you go and whatever you do ….. your past will always follow you..... singing nooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOahhhhhh nooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOahhhhhh...... so why don't we light... a fire.... and let the flames..... grow higher.... why don't we light a fire.... and leave the rest behind..... because life's for living right..?
singing nooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOahhhhhh nooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOahhhhhh......You gotta get busy living or get busy dyyyyyingggg... and I'd hate to see you left behind..... You gotta get busy living or get busy dyyyyyingggg... and I'd hate to see you left behind..... singing nooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOahhhhhh nooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOahhhhhh
my name is noah and the sea is my home.... and a small wooden boat will be my throne”
I mean really thats the question, isn't it? To live. ? . Would I be living if my job was working for something that will ultimately die? Wouldn't I be dead. If I am, lay me down or let me live! Let me be born to true life! My job as a man is to live? What is life? Love? Let my job be to love!! Let love be my life!!
I now see what they mean when they talk about heaven... when everyone is gathered singing haleluiah!! Glory be to the king!! Alpha and omega... the first and the last... the greatest and the least... all one... Let my health come from life! From my work! I may be alone... but we are “all one”!! I am one!! I AM!!
“11And I beheld, and I heard the voice of many angels round about the throne and the beasts and the elders: and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands; 12Saying with a loud voice, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing. 13And every creature which is in heaven, and on the earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying, Blessing, and honour, and glory, and power, be unto him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb for ever and ever. 14And the four beasts said, Amen. And the four and twenty elders fell down and worshipped him that liveth for ever and ever.” - Revelations 5, King James Version
“1And after these things I heard a great voice of much people in heaven, saying, Alleluia; Salvation, and glory, and honour, and power, unto the Lord our God: 2For true and righteous are his judgments: for he hath judged the great whore, which did corrupt the earth with her fornication, and hath avenged the blood of his servants at her hand. 3And again they said, Alleluia. And her smoke rose up for ever and ever. 4And the four and twenty elders and the four beasts fell down and worshipped God that sat on the throne, saying, Amen; Alleluia. 5And a voice came out of the throne, saying, Praise our God, all ye his servants, and ye that fear him, both small and great.
9And he saith unto me, Write, Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he saith unto me, These are the true sayings of God. 10And I fell at his feet to worship him. And he said unto me, See thou do it not: I am thy fellowservant, and of thy brethren that have the testimony of Jesus: worship God: for the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.” - Revelations 19, King James Version
“9And the multitudes that went before, and that followed, cried, saying, Hosanna to the Son of David: Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord; Hosanna in the highest.” - Matthew 21, King James Version
“1Praise ye the LORD. Sing unto the LORD a new song, and his praise in the congregation of saints. 2Let Israel rejoice in him that made him: let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. 3Let them praise his name in the dance: let them sing praises unto him with the timbrel and harp. 4For the LORD taketh pleasure in his people: he will beautify the meek with salvation. 5Let the saints be joyful in glory: let them sing aloud upon their beds. 6Let the high praises of God be in their mouth, and a twoedged sword in their hand; 7To execute vengeance upon the heathen, and punishments upon the people; 8To bind their kings with chains, and their nobles with fetters of iron; 9To execute upon them the judgment written: this honour have all his saints. Praise ye the LORD.” - Psalm 149
Anyways.... what is said in that alan watts chillstep video is really quite poignant....
“So if you really go the whole way, and see how you feel at the prospect of vanishing... of all your efforts and all of your achievements and all your attainments turning into dust, nothingness, what is the feeling? What happens to you? Thats what its gonna all come to you know. And for some reason we're supposed to find that repressive.... So cheer up you see... the essence of your mind is intrinsically pure... pure means clear.. void. See. If you think of this nothingness as mere blankness, and you hold onto the idea of blankness and are kind of grizzly about it, you haven’t understood it... nothingness is really like the nothingness of space which contains the whole universe: all the suns and the stars, and the mountains and the rivers, and the good men and the bad men, and the animals and the insects the whole bit... all are contained in the void, so out of this void comes everything and you're it... what else could you be?
Why talk about this.... is it interesting...Is it important For the human being to realize that in some sense of the word, whatever it means, he is god or one with god. A lot of people understand it, but so what? Well the importance of it is this, that to know that you are god is another way of saying that you feel completely with this universe, you feel profoundly rooted in it and connected with it... you feel in other words that the whole energy that expresses itself in the galaxies is intimate. It is not something to which you are a stranger but it is that to which you, whatever that is,to which you are intimately bound on... that in your seeing your hearing your talking, your thinking, your moving, you express that which it is which moves the son and other stars... and if you don't know that, if you don't feel that, well naturally you feel alien, you feel a stranger in the world, and if you feel a stranger you feel hostile, and therefore you start to bulldoze things about to beat it up and to try to make the world submit to your will and you become a real trouble maker.
So I feel one reason you become hostile is the feeling that you were just brought into this place, that your father and mother went up to some monkey business that they probably shouldn't have done, that it was bad rather than good, and as a result of this here you are and you didn't ask to be here. You can always turn around and blame them. You can blame somebody: you can blame the government, you can blame the rascals, you can blame the cheaters, always supposing you yourself aren't... you always can blame someone saying 'I didn't ask for this take it away' and yet, and yet, and yet very few people are all too ready to take it away... and if you don't... if you don't say take it away... what are you gonna do? You've really got to assume responsibility for it... You've got to say yes to what happens.”
We can view ourselves as on a side of two opposing forces or we can view ourselves as just another aspect of the singular, of the one. We can say that there is nothing or that there is something or that there is something and nothing and they are both one.
“16And therefore did the Jews persecute Jesus, and sought to slay him, because he had done these things on the sabbath day. 17But Jesus answered them, My Father worketh hitherto, and I work. 18Therefore the Jews sought the more to kill him, because he not only had broken the sabbath, but said also that God was his Father, making himself equal with God.
19Then answered Jesus and said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise. 20For the Father loveth the Son, and sheweth him all things that himself doeth: and he will shew him greater works than these, that ye may marvel. 21For as the Father raiseth up the dead, and quickeneth them; even so the Son quickeneth whom he will. 22For the Father judgeth no man, but hath committed all judgment unto the Son: 23That all men should honour the Son, even as they honour the Father. He that honoureth not the Son honoureth not the Father which hath sent him.
24Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life.
25Verily, verily, I say unto you, The hour is coming, and now is, when the dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God: and they that hear shall live. 26For as the Father hath life in himself; so hath he given to the Son to have life in himself; 27And hath given him authority to execute judgment also, because he is the Son of man. 28Marvel not at this: for the hour is coming, in the which all that are in the graves shall hear his voice, 29And shall come forth; they that have done good, unto the resurrection of life; and they that have done evil, unto the resurrection of damnation.
30I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me.” - John 5, King James Version
Essentially we are being taught that Jesus has been granted perception to a level that goes beyond perception as is typically defined through experience of the individual body and “conscious” mind, while still also maintaining such a perception; a new level of awareness. He seeks the will of his father who is in everything.
The grass grows taller to reach the sun, and dances when the wind blows. The birds sing in the morning for the rising of the sun, and play and bathe in the puddles when it rains. This is what it means to be alive: to love, to give thanks, and praise for that love and not to die with the trappings of the ego and the falsehood that you are somehow separate and apart instead of one and “a” part; to try to claim ownership and be boastful.
The text of John 5, this can easily be understood as him equating himself with God, and in fact this is Doctrine that that many Christians follow. Yet, still it's likely that many Christians would react similarly to how the Jews did here if someone came to them making similar claims, claims which would be in accordance with Christ's actual teachings. As a matter of fact, I have seen the postings of videos on youtube calling people who are exploring these concepts under a different religious label and referring to it as new age, pagan, theosophy. But they label these concepts in reference to their own doctrine and not in terms of truth.
“37O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! 38Behold, your house is left unto you desolate. 39For I say unto you, Ye shall not see me henceforth, till ye shall say, Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord.” - Matthew 23
To say that loving nature and seeing the obvious cyclical nature of nature, and to love nature is pagan, is it really? What about loving God with all your heart, recognizing that God created this land, now its a blasphemy to not love what God created. No one wants to analyze their own doctrines, no one wants to become the little child who is humble enough to consider anything. Isn't that what science is about? Yet people who claim to be scientific go around excluding the possibility of the existence of God.
The hypocrisy is ever present.
“34But when the Pharisees had heard that he had put the Sadducees to silence, they were gathered together. 35Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying, 36Master, which is the great commandment in the law? 37Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38This is the first and great commandment. 39And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 40On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” - Matthew 22
“20And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, The kingdom of God cometh not with observation: 21Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.” - Luke 17
“20Our fathers worshipped in this mountain; and ye say, that in Jerusalem is the place where men ought to worship. 21Jesus saith unto her, Woman, believe me, the hour cometh, when ye shall neither in this mountain, nor yet at Jerusalem, worship the Father. 22Ye worship ye know not what: we know what we worship: for salvation is of the Jews. 23But the hour cometh, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him. 24God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.” - John 4
The reality is though, as Jesus points out, that whether they are aware of it or not they were upset because it challenged their church's authority and their doctrine. He was not saying anything inflammatory, or boasting of himself, but instead of the one who “sent him.” Yet hypocritically they accuse him of hubris, while he knows that they selfishly seek eternal life as if there was some kind of secret code in the scriptures that describes some tincture that they literally can drink and will enable them to live forever, while he teaches the eternal life one gains by denying the self that they so vehemently seek to glorify and prolong. That when we consecrate ourselves in spirit to God, we become one with the eternal that IS before anything was; the alpha and omega; the truth that is independent of man's perception. He is the “way, the truth, and the life.”
He is essentially trying to illustrate that the truth is what is testament the words that he says, and that if someone who seeks truth, knows truth hears the his words then they know they are true. “If you knew god than you would know that the father sent me” is his message. He accuses them that they seek honor from others, how others perceive them, and will readily approve of someone who comes in their own name or in the name of other men and their institutions, yet when someone comes humbly in the name of someone greater they call him a blasphemous idolater.
“31If I bear witness of myself, my witness is not true. 32There is another that beareth witness of me; and I know that the witness which he witnesseth of me is true.
33Ye sent unto John, and he bare witness unto the truth. 34But I receive not testimony from man: but these things I say, that ye might be saved. 35He was a burning and a shining light: and ye were willing for a season to rejoice in his light.
36But I have greater witness than that of John: for the works which the Father hath given me to finish, the same works that I do, bear witness of me, that the Father hath sent me.
37And the Father himself, which hath sent me, hath borne witness of me. Ye have neither heard his voice at any time, nor seen his shape. 38And ye have not his word abiding in you: for whom he hath sent, him ye believe not.
39Search the scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me. 40And ye will not come to me, that ye might have life. 41I receive not honour from men. 42But I know you, that ye have not the love of God in you. 43I am come in my Father's name, and ye receive me not: if another shall come in his own name, him ye will receive. 44How can ye believe, which receive honour one of another, and seek not the honour that cometh from God only? 45Do not think that I will accuse you to the Father: there is one that accuseth you, even Moses, in whom ye trust. 46For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. 47But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?” - John 5
Or in this chapter in john he deals with the same thing, while also implying that he is from god and that others are and could be too because they recognize the truth of what he is saying and they would know that he is from the father if they were from him too.
“12Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. 13The Pharisees therefore said unto him, Thou bearest record of thyself; thy record is not true. 14Jesus answered and said unto them, Though I bear record of myself, yet my record is true: for I know whence I came, and whither I go; but ye cannot tell whence I come, and whither I go. 15Ye judge after the flesh; I judge no man. 16And yet if I judge, my judgment is true: for I am not alone, but I and the Father that sent me. 17It is also written in your law, that the testimony of two men is true. 18I am one that bear witness of myself, and the Father that sent me beareth witness of me. 19Then said they unto him, Where is thy Father? Jesus answered, Ye neither know me, nor my Father: if ye had known me, ye should have known my Father also. 20These words spake Jesus in the treasury, as he taught in the temple: and no man laid hands on him; for his hour was not yet come.
21Then said Jesus again unto them, I go my way, and ye shall seek me, and shall die in your sins: whither I go, ye cannot come. 22Then said the Jews, Will he kill himself? because he saith, Whither I go, ye cannot come. 23And he said unto them, Ye are from beneath; I am from above: ye are of this world; I am not of this world. 24I said therefore unto you, that ye shall die in your sins: for if ye believe not that I am he, ye shall die in your sins. 25Then said they unto him, Who art thou? And Jesus saith unto them, Even the same that I said unto you from the beginning. 26I have many things to say and to judge of you: but he that sent me is true; and I speak to the world those things which I have heard of him. 27They understood not that he spake to them of the Father. 28Then said Jesus unto them, When ye have lifted up the Son of man, then shall ye know that I am he, and that I do nothing of myself; but as my Father hath taught me, I speak these things. 29And he that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him. 30As he spake these words, many believed on him.
31Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; 32And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. 33They answered him, We be Abraham's seed, and were never in bondage to any man: how sayest thou, Ye shall be made free?
34Jesus answered them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin. 35And the servant abideth not in the house for ever: but the Son abideth ever. 36If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed. 37I know that ye are Abraham's seed; but ye seek to kill me, because my word hath no place in you. 38I speak that which I have seen with my Father: and ye do that which ye have seen with your father.
39They answered and said unto him, Abraham is our father. Jesus saith unto them, If ye were Abraham's children, ye would do the works of Abraham. 40But now ye seek to kill me, a man that hath told you the truth, which I have heard of God: this did not Abraham. 41Ye do the deeds of your father. Then said they to him, We be not born of fornication; we have one Father, even God.
42Jesus said unto them, If God were your Father, ye would love me: for I proceeded forth and came from God; neither came I of myself, but he sent me. 43Why do ye not understand my speech? even because ye cannot hear my word. 44Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it. 45And because I tell you the truth, ye believe me not. 46Which of you convinceth me of sin? And if I say the truth, why do ye not believe me? 47He that is of God heareth God's words: ye therefore hear them not, because ye are not of God.
48Then answered the Jews, and said unto him, Say we not well that thou art a Samaritan, and hast a devil? 49Jesus answered, I have not a devil; but I honour my Father, and ye do dishonour me. 50And I seek not mine own glory: there is one that seeketh and judgeth. 51Verily, verily, I say unto you, If a man keep my saying, he shall never see death. 52Then said the Jews unto him, Now we know that thou hast a devil. Abraham is dead, and the prophets; and thou sayest, If a man keep my saying, he shall never taste of death. 53Art thou greater than our father Abraham, which is dead? and the prophets are dead: whom makest thou thyself? 54Jesus answered, If I honour myself, my honour is nothing: it is my Father that honoureth me; of whom ye say, that he is your God: 55Yet ye have not known him; but I know him: and if I should say, I know him not, I shall be a liar like unto you: but I know him, and keep his saying. 56Your father Abraham rejoiced to see my day: and he saw it, and was glad. 57Then said the Jews unto him, Thou art not yet fifty years old, and hast thou seen Abraham? 58Jesus said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Before Abraham was, I am. 59Then took they up stones to cast at him: but Jesus hid himself, and went out of the temple, going through the midst of them, and so passed by.” - John 8
Anyways my point of all of this was that we are all manifestations of a code, we are artificial intelligence and we don't even realize. Once we accept a certain perception as true or absolute, or some rule as the limit, from that point on you are bound by what you have decided is true or a function of that choice to assume. Is it only when we have no assumptions, when we work to humble ourselves, when anything is possible, that we cease to behave like a program?
“I said therefore unto you, that ye shall die in your sins: for if ye believe not that I am he, ye shall die in your sins.” If you don't believe that he is who he says he is, how could you ever think yourself as who you are, you just steadily and consequently your disbelief of God in man conscripts you to the program that is sin. “Whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin. 35And the servant abideth not in the house for ever: but the Son abideth ever. 36If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.”
What if reality is really just the playground for a conscious mind. Whose dream is this?
What if we are all connected, or that we are all a part of something greater and that we are all created by a conscious mind, that we are aspects of a single self; an image if you will? And I said, therefore we should all love each other like we would love ourselves because we are loving ourselves when we love each other and mind-body that we all make up. That you can only be a part of this body when you choose to accept this simple truth that you are a part of a whole, and that the whole is also a part of you. Doesn't seem that offensive, right?
But then you have those who point to their interpretation of different passages, their dogma as the ultimate, rather than truth. “Paganism! Blasphemy! Satanist! 'for if ye believe not that I am he, ye shall die in your sins.' it says it right there!! Black and white! Anyone who does not believe in me...' followed by some dogmatic presumption and false association.
Should I just believe that Jesus is the Messiah and then be saved? Do I actually believe? Or was it what this admission infers, the program that follows, that we are saved? That a man was the son of God, that God inhabited a man, that maybe there were some valid things Jesus said and it wasn't all just a bunch of hogwash cooked up by someone trying to manipulate people.
Jesus might be said to have been a satanist because he claimed to be God. The question is, how did he identify his “self”. He says that he is not of this world. The world of the material? Who am I? Am I this physical body, am I the ego that inhabits this body or am I born of the spirit of truth that permeates all of existence? Was jesus an alien?!??! For crying out loud! Listen with your heart! Set your eye on the truth! It wasn't until I believed the potential of the words that were spoken that I implemented them and found them to be true. It was when I started to believe that he was who he was, that truth was something incorruptible, that my quest and the systematic deprograming of the social programing program began, that the destruction of the artificial intelligence began.
At a subliminal level society constantly is conditioning us to live a certain way, and ultimately these subconscious observations influence our 'conscious' thought. How we would define conscious then seems incompatible with how we generally think of conscious thought. How conscious are we of our actions, our choices? I think that hubris would be an understatement if we thought ourselves conscious of the smallest fraction of the consciousness .. If we just “let go” would we really be letting go, or would we just be reverting back to the “unconscious subconscious.” Would we really know if we were letting go? Is it only through the conscious act of letting go that we....
Reading this over, it probably is confusing .. I mean I am confused still... I don't think there is any hope for anyone who actually might be reading this anyways. Or maybe there is. The fact that someone is seeking, they will find; elsewhere or everywhere rather.
I mean how conscious is nature? I was sitting with a friend the other day in a little area where people can sit and eat outside, a concrete park of sorts. We sat as she ate a Chinese pastry. The birds gathered around us waiting for something to drop, some parcel they might be able to get. These were some ballsy city birds. I mean they might as well be perched on top of her or take the bun right out of her hand. When a piece finally did drop they swarmed, one would get the piece and fly off trying to scarf it down before the others swooped in and they would all swarm that bird and be frantically pecking at the piece.
Is this nature?
When a lion kills the pride leader and goes and hunts down and kills the defeated pride leaders offspring, is this nature? Should I be a reflection of nature, or is nature a reflection of me? Who am I? Are notions of peace and selflessness an affront to nature or an homage?
Everything we perceive and influences our actions and choices is an extension of our assumptions. Any rules created or information that is later assimilated is done so with respect to that prior assumption or belief. This is the principle of artificial intelligence: perception; taking information and interpreting it in terms of a preconceived notion of which we may or may not be consciously aware. Which begs the question, are we any different than a program, a simulation or machine? Our so called “choices” are really limited when the popular concept of death dictates our actions; when what we call life is restricted to and governed by the experience within the physical body.
The concept or doctrine of “original sin” comes to mind as I try to imagine what it is as a baby that we use as a reference. We are driven solely by our quest to gain energy to foster cellular growth. Our existence is dependent upon our selfish quest to take nutrients and energy from the world around us, the absence of which would mean the failure of a body to manifest physically. But there is also something else present; a special song that is playing, a vibration sounding, intelligently organizing an apparently random, unintelligent group of specks, cells or particles, into a very organized body.
So yes, the very nature of existence could condition us to think in a selfish way, which may ultimately be seen as sinful. But then again, the baby does not survive because of this “selfishness,” but instead by the selflessness of another who freely gives the energy and nutrients it needs to survive by another who freely.
Sometimes when I step outside of own thoughts and just gaze out the window into the world and see this immensely complex and majestic thing called life and know that life is calling me fighting for me, I cant help but feel an appreciation, humbleness, and a frank unworthiness, and yet still I get this supremely sublime feeling of … harmony, for lack of a better word.
Thank you...
Thank you..
… … ….
And for a brief moment I feel alive and then I return back, to the window; realizing all the more how I am on the outside looking in, looking forward to the day that I will return.. whilst I cling so desperately and fearfully to the things that keep me looking through a window...
In life, we inevitably contemplate what it means to die. I remember first thinking about it when I was a kid at the cape visiting my grandparents; how they will die, and how eventually I will too. Death is a concept we all must face. At the most fundamental level, with respect to death and life, there are two assumptions that people prescribe to: that this is l
If you call yourself a christian, its not enough to just believe Christ, or to go to church, receive the sacrament or whatever convoluted thing you have cooked up that you think warrants your behavior, we are expected to live in accordance with righteousness, not just expect mercy. Are we truly sorry if we make no effort to be better? Like my great grandfather said in his letter, “If you take great interest in your work, if you accept responsibility, if you look after details and know where you are, if you keep your head, have courage and some little vision, imagination and persistence, you will be very successful, you will make more of your job, and your job will make more of you. All successful men in this country have pursued this line of action. In other words, whatever you put in, you will get out – no more, no less.”
The entirety of the new testament teaches us to love and have mercy and that it is through our fruits – what we do in our hearts and minds, with our bodies – that we are defined. It is only by taking up our own cross, and striving to do better that we are on the path of righteousness and when we just give up on looking for truth that we have failed, not when we have failed to grasp truth. The quotes abound contradicting the notion of just giving up on the world and putting it in God's hands.
“28But what think ye? A certain man had two sons; and he came to the first, and said, Son, go work to day in my vineyard. 29He answered and said, I will not: but afterward he repented, and went. 30And he came to the second, and said likewise. And he answered and said, I go, sir: and went not. 31Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. 32For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him.” - Matthew 21
“37He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. 39He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” - Matthew 10
“43Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. 44But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. 46For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? 47And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? 48Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” - Matthew 5
I mean, if this the attitude we take what is to happen we face evil? Should we just let murderers run roughshod over us because the bible tells us we should love them? Can we love a murderer while killing him and becoming a murderer ourselves?
To forsake the world... it sounds like the most selfish thing that anyone could do, but is it not also the most selfless and indeed what must be done... Some college kid's partying screaming 'fuck the world' as he chugs down a solo cup of puke tasting beer. Is that how we forsake the world? To be honest it sounds like embracing the world. Giving up..
Which world are we forsaking?
I think about myself, getting so caught up in the future, planning something that I render myself “immobile.” I want to put all of myself in and get all of myself out; I don't want to think about holding anything back because nothing can be held.
I haven't written anything in a while, yet I insist on telling people I am a writer whilst I wait tables when they ask what I am up to. Other times, people ask what I'm up to and the thing I tell them is how it is I am doing to make money, granted that is often what they care about. And the second I start to talk about anything else I might be doing that might carry any actual value I can see that their minds blank, and interest fade as they carry on eye contact out of social obligation. So I stop talking and allow them to carry on their charade of appearing to actually be interested in someone else and go through the motions of being and get back to themselves. Lord knows I probably do the same. I suppose to a certain extent, we all must get back to ourselves, but to what extent exactly? How much should I save? Balance.
“31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” - Matthew 6, King James Version
I often think about getting into a serious relationship with someone, I go through the dating app and say hi and yes to all these different women, yet practically none talk to me, others that do never end up developing, and the one or two that actually say they want to go on a date, never come to fruition. The three to six dates I have actually been on in over two years, we didn't seem to mesh.
I think similar things that others have thought about their love life: maybe I'm not destined to be in a relationship; maybe the only thing keeping me from a relationship is the fact that I think I am not destined to be in one. I think about how tough it would be to find someone who would actually work to try to live a life that is compatible with how I envision my life going in the future: a very humble lifestyle. Then it just seems that maybe no one out there would ever want to be with someone like me. Then I am comforted by the truth, the truth that they would only be with me for a time, and likely only physically because ultimately if I did just sacrifice everything that I think is right as far as my lifestyle just to be with someone, in a physical sense in marriage and flesh; would we ever really be together? I think then I would truly be alone. But I am comforted now by the fact that the life I choose now, these choices I make today, to seek to live a life in accordance with what is right, to seek the truth inside myself, I think its through this path that I am truly not alone. I cant imagine what it might be like to find someone who could be with me on another level, in another plain, a soul mate.
I often think about how nice that would be. Someone who I could know so deeply... But I have that now.
Yet that is what I have already. God is with me. God, you know me. Keep me, please.... please, keep me.
The weeks leading up to the death of my grandfather this past Christmas eve were very hard on him, I watched as he suffered. He was a man much like my great grandfather, someone who greatly appreciated his health and was “conscious of his finances.” And I put that lightly. As the child of two Irish immigrants, growing up in Boston during the great depression without his father, who died of cancer when my grandfather was just 10 years old, he saw first hand how important it was to take careful watch over your finances. I mean, I remember going down to the cape as a child to visit him and my grandmother and he would do things like duct-tape his sneakers around, he would put water in the ketchup bottle to get all of the stuff stuck on the side of the bottle. I remember, as we all sat at the dinner table this past year for some occasion, my dad would slightly resentfully, but more lovingly, bring up the story about how when he was a kid my grandfather brought him home cupcakes for his birthday that were the discounted, couple day-old ones from the bakery because they didn't have any of the couple day old cakes. And then, they put a candle in one of them.
Then there is the story my grandmother loves to tell, about how on their honeymoon they drove down to the cape and he drove to a hotel to see if they had any rooms available, because booking ahead would have been more expensive, and when he got back to the car he looked at her and said, “too expensive” and then proceeded to drive around to two more before finally settling in find a bargain. Haha.
My grandfather knew that about himself, and he was proud of it, and to a certain extent he was right to be. He didn't need to have the latest fashion, he was very practical. He would wear the same golf shirt through even when the seams were starting to come undone. He would often joke that the best christmas present you could get him was a bargain.
And it payed off for him. He retired at 60 and was able to take care of his wife and himself until his ultimate demise. He took responsibility and was very pragmatic.
But it wasn't until he was faced with his impending demise that he began to question all of his saving...
He was always a very strong man, very proud, strong willed and sometimes even stubborn. So when he got older and he stopped being able to do the things he used to, he became a little more humble. When, after he fell in the grocery store, he became subject to seizures he was no longer able to drive. With his wife already not being able to drive, his illusions of control and independence started to become more and more apparent; his will wasn't as strong as he, or something, had convinced himself that it was.
While he grew older, slowly he lost his ability to do as much, though I do give him credit for staying active enough throughout his life that he was able to do many things that many others might not have been able to do at 90. Just this past summer he was painting my aunt's deck. He was a force to be reckoned with for sure.
But ultimately he had some reckoning to do himself. In his last few years, as he became more confined to his living quarters with his wife at his daughters house, his escape became his books, politics and the usual Boston sports drama but it must have been tough on him feeling alone, especially as the effects of dementia and Alzheimers began to set in on his wife, who would remember some 1930s song but couldn't remember the answer to the question she had asked 30 seconds prior, or even that she had asked the question at all. He must have felt very alone. I know he felt alone. But his pride, his strength, kept him from reaching out, from sharing his feelings with his family, from saying the things that he wanted to say. And for what? For who's sake? Sure, he didn't want to burden his family, even if he didn't say that I know that was him. He was always trying to pull his weight and some.
“Under my halo, I have trouble seeing clear.... you held my hand tight.... waiting to watch me disappear.... I wasn't honest.... tell you the truth... I wanted it all but I want you too.... all of the lessons disappeared.... still haven't learned to be comfortable here....
Making my mind up.... making an effort is a start... its easy to die here... its easier still just to fall apart... all the excuses all the copouts... take it like a man and shut your mouth... here I can make it on my own.... I watched my grandfather die alone....
Now that i'm alone hear.... feels so familiar feels so strange... running in circles chasing the echoes of your name.... When I try and tell you... you say I don't care... Goddamn it I do and don't you dare... Make me reason to get even for the flood of your tears...
I watched you disappear... I was disappearing... you reappearing... I was disappearing... disappearing”
But it wasn't until on thanksgiving that we knew things were going down hill. He had gotten discharged from the care facility the day before. He had always knew he was gonna go home, he hated being at the care facility. But the next morning he had a seizure and the ambulance took him to the hospital. He missed thanksgiving.
He was struggling with his speech, but it wasn't until after that day when he had lost the ability to form words. It was terrible seeing him recognize us and see us but unable to express what the words he wanted to. At the funeral my aunt showed me a card he was practicing writing on, he never gave up. The gibberish he wrote down. It just wouldn't work. But it wasn't for him to decide.
On the day that I went into visit him after that it was it was impressive to see him form the few words and sentences he did. He was trying hard I think, for me.
It was sad visit that day. I went in with my mom. When we walked in he was doing his speech therapy with some woman. And we went in and sat down and waited for them to finish. But soon after he stopped and dismissed the nurse so that he could visit with us. My dad was there earlier that morning. He had called my mom to let us know that he was having a sad day that day.
When we finally got there, and after the nurse left the room, he started to get very sad indeed. He realized then that he was dying. That he wasn't going to bounce back from this one. He had had several close calls throughout his life – a torpedo missing his battle ship in the war, his ship getting sunk the day after he was transferred off – and, even if the steroids and treatment he was getting gave him more time or made recovery more difficult, he was going to have to face the music regardless.
That day, with the few words he was able to muster, I could see the battle going on in his head: his frustration, his sadness, his pain.
I remember some of the broken sentences he was able to muster:
“To go to sleep tonight … and never wake up tomorrow...
forgive forgive forgive forgive
to die to die to die
I hope... hope hope...
dark.. so dark
I want to .. believe...
to live... to live.. to live...
I don't want to live...
I want to die... I want to die...
I don't want to leave..
I don't know... I don't … know
Most of the time, my mom and I just sat next to him as he wept, holding his hand... hugging him... embracing him... he may not have been able to speak... or write... but we understood.. enough....
Later that day, my aunt and grandmother came in with my uncle and aunt. My grandmother came in and sat next to him on his bed, on which at that point he was lying down on top. She started to play with his arm doing the things she would always do with him, inspecting his arm, pointing out the different marks on his arm. “What's this? How did this happen?” She said playfully as she bent forward playing with his arm. Then he looked at her with a look of despair and sadness and began to weep shaking his head, still unable to communicate with words.
“I'm dying!” He was saying with his eyes... until he looked away shaking his head, frustrated and despairing how his own wife may not even know he's dead after he is gone. Then she saw he was sad and took his hand and started playing a bug game they had clearly played in the past, about a bug sneaking up under his shirt. Then she began to do the singing that she loves to do, apparently still not grasping what happening.
That day I brought him a nativity book as well as a book about that showed illustrations with the bible... he didn't really acknowledge them, I don't know exactly what became of those books whether he read them. Whether there was any point in trying to read them.
All I could tell from that day was that he felt alone. I remember when the rest of the family came in and everybody went along accordingly with greetings and the different things “no protocol” or “enough protocol.” Of all the words he was able to say he could get that out. My mother who had been going in there spending time with him for a few hours as much as she could practically every day, I could see how its hard to break out of the habit, the protocol. Its hard to stop going on auto pilot, to break out of the program.
It was probably frustrating for him as his family came and went, and though they may have been there weren't really. There was something there between them. I could see him grow frustrated as he was expressing his sadness through his tears and sobs, and they just kind of tried to get him to shrug it off to try to make it easier on us who were visiting, or maybe to make it less uncomfortable for themselves: to see someone they had always looked up to their whole lives, someone always revered for their strength reduced to a weak, trembling and frightened old man. But for whose sake should he stop that? He is finally confronting something that he may not have entirely in the past. He has his doubts, he has his fear and regret. But isn't it only when we can be humble that we can give due praise and glory to the majesty of love, of god and creation that envelops us all.
We are very good at keeping distracted, at minimizing our exposure to death, to the truth of the matter. Maybe that's why when we are faced with it we just try to take our minds off of it. But he was always a strong guy. And he wasn't going to back down from death now. And while he might have been scared. I know he was happy that we just sat with him holding him that day. I think sometimes even with our words, we cant really express some things.
Sometimes I think we all just want to be held and it can be tough when we wonder who is going to hold us when we die? How could I possibly be held? Be felt?
I went in to visit him the day before he died... he was sleeping but I felt him there... he was with us.... he couldn't wake up his body.... but as I sat there in silence I felt him.... he felt comforted... I think... not by me sitting next to him... but by something else... his breathing would bounce back between labored and practically non existent... yet as he slept he was at peace..
Anyways, it appears to me that we are always looking to other people to fill a void that they can't possibly fill. We will feel filled for a while, but not knowing what it is that fills us, not understanding the nature of existence, we are always trying to distract ourselves from the reality that we are all really alone... or should I say all one?
“7There cometh a woman of Samaria to draw water: Jesus saith unto her, Give me to drink. 8(For his disciples were gone away unto the city to buy meat.) 9Then saith the woman of Samaria unto him, How is it that thou, being a Jew, askest drink of me, which am a woman of Samaria? for the Jews have no dealings with the Samaritans. 10Jesus answered and said unto her, If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee living water. 11The woman saith unto him, Sir, thou hast nothing to draw with, and the well is deep: from whence then hast thou that living water? 12Art thou greater than our father Jacob, which gave us the well, and drank thereof himself, and his children, and his cattle? 13Jesus answered and said unto her, Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again: 14But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.” - John 4, King James Version
“3And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread. 4But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.” - Matthew 4, King James Version
“31Our fathers did eat manna in the desert; as it is written, He gave them bread from heaven to eat. 32Then Jesus said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Moses gave you not that bread from heaven; but my Father giveth you the true bread from heaven. 33For the bread of God is he which cometh down from heaven, and giveth life unto the world. 34Then said they unto him, Lord, evermore give us this bread.
35And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst. 36But I said unto you, That ye also have seen me, and believe not. 37All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. 38For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me. 39And this is the Father's will which hath sent me, that of all which he hath given me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up again at the last day. 40And this is the will of him that sent me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day.
41The Jews then murmured at him, because he said, I am the bread which came down from heaven. 42And they said, Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? how is it then that he saith, I came down from heaven? 43Jesus therefore answered and said unto them, Murmur not among yourselves. 44No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day.” - John 6, King James Version
So after the funeral last night, I was talking with my uncle and my sister about Taoism when they asked about my kung fu class and consequently taoism. And prompted by their questions about it, I tried to explain how I find it pretty fascinating how similar the teachings of all of the worlds religions seem to do. I told them how my teacher told me that the purpose of of taoism is to become immortal.. how they have these people called “taoist immortals” and then you look at christianity, the saints, the promises of eternal life. Jesus is the way, buddhas eightfold path, the tao is quite literally “the way.” You look at their ways, their teachings, their names may be different but the truth of the matter is all the same. IN yoga you work “to join” mind, body and spirit. Almost all practices talk about overcoming the self, the ego, and to ascend to an enlightened state through union: with god; with the spirit; with the life force.
We talked about how fascinating it is that all of these people from different cultures in social vacuums, who go out and become recluse, who meditate and pray, they all arrive at the same thing: a truth that transcends the lies; a single thread knit in into different patterns.
I love my sister but she has always been troubled by her own ego. Just the other day she is finally reaching out to someone thats not her mother when she told me “i need some of that tai chi”.. you know to “calm that crazy voice in your head,” she joked but half serious.
I was receptive and told her about classes that were available, but it was to no avail. She knows what she needs, her should is crying out yet she insists on making herself busy. She is always booking up her schedule so that she gets lots of stuff done. But in the end, its just stuff. A funny George Carlin sketch comes to mind about how we spend all this effort carrying around our stuff. I think he might have been on to something there.
I remember at that sad dinner I had with my family last year that ended up with me walking back to my place, my sister sat there essentially telling me that I wasn't a christian, she would cite some falsely interpreted quote from the bible, all mainly because what I said about how we live today greatly jeopardized the illusion she had that she was living a life that was ok. She got very offensive because how I want to live wasn't in a way that was conducive to how she wanted to live, no matter what little effect my lifestyle choices would have an effect on her lifestyle, other than the fact it would be one less person in her life doing the same thing she does and thus reinforcing her own perception, justifying her own life choices. Much the same way when my cousin found out at the funeral reception that I don't drink fluoridated water when my sister pointed out to me that the water bottles at the party had a label advertising that fluoride was added to the water in a way was poking fun that they use it as a selling point, and she did it in such a way that she knew my cousin would over hear.
“Did you know that the bottled water actually says 'with fluoride' on it.” When my cousin did over hear it, my sister explained how I buy bottled water for the express purpose of not consuming fluoride she nearly pounced down my throat, asking in an accusatory tone “I mean why? All the benefits of fluoride... why??” and so on and so forth.
As is often the case in my family, when I realized that there was nothing I could say on the matter with which she may consider altering her current understanding of how the world works I just simply responded with something along the lines of how I simply hold a differing view and follow different evidence that says its actually not that good for you. After, which she started in again with her defensive, threatening accusatory tone before she realized I want going to be arguing, she said “ok forget it, i'm not going to argue,” dismissing any reasons I might have for doing what I do as if it was pure stubborn, ignorance. I let it go as well, knowing full well that even if she pursued it there was no way she was able or willing to hear anything given her agitated state of mind. So ultimately we reverted back to the program of pleasantries and small talk; we both reverted back to the same state.
So after my sister went as far as to cite a misquoted bible quote, I went on to cite many more quotes from the bible that contradict many more things that we do on a regular basis in our society. When she couldn't respond she resorted to calling into question my faith because I don't “even go to church.”
But who is the obedient the servant, is it enough to just worship by moving our bodies to a physical place and not being there with our heart and minds? If while we are there we are thinking about our own lives, if we are just asking for things to glorify ourselves, if we are just doing things for the sake and approval of others or what we think others would approve of and not taking the care to seek action in accordance with truth, virtue, love and everything that is real, everything that is life, then aren't we really just worshiping death? Aren't we supposed to worship in spirit?
It sticks in my mind, I think it was earlier that same night, when my mom and my sister were talking at the table about how “when” they get into heaven and not “if” they get into heaven. Then they went on to describe how they envisioned it, but it just sounded like heaven to them was just a place where they glorified themselves as in the person they have come to identify themselves as or the memories that they have, and their bodies. I think about how just the other day my uncle read a quote from Thomas Aquinas about Muhammad and Islam, criticizing religion for talking about being rewarded with virgins in heaven. Whose to say there is a difference if, ultimately, both envision heaven as a reward for themselves.
How could I ever hope to enter into the house of the master of the universe? What good are my good deeds if my deeds are just to secure my own reward or avoid my own punishment; if it all just about myself?
“20Our fathers worshipped in this mountain; and ye say, that in Jerusalem is the place where men ought to worship. 21Jesus saith unto her, Woman, believe me, the hour cometh, when ye shall neither in this mountain, nor yet at Jerusalem, worship the Father. 22Ye worship ye know not what: we know what we worship: for salvation is of the Jews. 23But the hour cometh, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him. 24God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth. 25The woman saith unto him, I know that Messias cometh, which is called Christ: when he is come, he will tell us all things. 26Jesus saith unto her, I that speak unto thee am he.” - John 4, King James Version
“23The same day came to him the Sadducees, which say that there is no resurrection, and asked him, 24Saying, Master, Moses said, If a man die, having no children, his brother shall marry his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother. 25Now there were with us seven brethren: and the first, when he had married a wife, deceased, and, having no issue, left his wife unto his brother: 26Likewise the second also, and the third, unto the seventh. 27And last of all the woman died also. 28Therefore in the resurrection whose wife shall she be of the seven? for they all had her.
29Jesus answered and said unto them, Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God. 30For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven. 31But as touching the resurrection of the dead, have ye not read that which was spoken unto you by God, saying, 32I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob? God is not the God of the dead, but of the living.” - Matthew 22, King James Version
On the way to the wake for my grandfather’s wake, my sister and mom were in the back seat and my mom was getting OCD about how the house looked for the reception after the funeral and she was obsessing over when we should invite people back to the house, too worried that there might not be enough room for everyone in our small house if we invited people too early. My sister was telling her how she was being ridiculous in a very lecturing tone and then my mom was expressing how she thought she was being witchy and mean to her. And then my sister would retort “no I wasn't!”
“Well its about how I feel,” my mom responded.
“Well its not my fault that you feel that way.”
At this point my laughter interjected, as I couldn't help but laugh at the irony of the argument they were having and the parallels it drew for the debate I was having within myself at the time. Realizing the uncouth nature of my outburst, I quickly apologized, “I'm sorry, just sometimes all you can do is laugh.”
Anyways, so after my sister reached out I tried to encourage her, and I sent her that chillstep video with the message that pretty much just advised her to calm her mind from all the distractions so that she can actually hear things beyond the “crazy voice” and allow the healing light of life to work on and in her and she can start to live a more healthy life. I pretty much said that but in a less corny way. “Sometimes sitting and doing nothing, thinking nothing, you can then finally listen. Practice taking time to do that throughout the day... however much you can manage.”
“peace be stilll.. you are near... theres nowhere we can go... that you won't shine... redemption's light... our guilt withdrawn... and aaaaaas you riiiiseee.... we coooome..... aaaaaliiiiiive.... the grave has loooooosst.... the old is gone.... and your making all things new... and your making all things new... you are making all things neeeeewwwwwww.... you are making all things newwwwwww... we are free... hope is found.... you are heere.... our hearts forever sealed... by this love... came for us.... now we are yours.... and aaaaaass.... you rise... we come.... aliivee.... you are making all things new... you are making all things new.... you are making all things new..... god your maing all things new... we are free... yeahhhhhhhhhh.... your loveeee... neeeever ennnnnnding.... your chriiiiist... never sailing.... redemption is caaaaaaling us hooooooooome..... your love never … eeeending.... your christ neverrrr failing...... redeeeeeemption is... caaaaaling us..... hoooooooome....”
I don't know if she did, or if she read what I was saying and just blanked on it completely. But I hope that she practices leading a much more present life; that she practices the art of listening; that she realizes its not about doing, not about hearing, not about seeing, but its about being. That she doesn't let death take her after death, and instead have life unto life. When I die I want to return what was never mine to begin with. I want “will” to be laid to rest. I want my wants to disappear.
“sail on... gypsy of my heart... you've been hanging aroooound... beeen with me from the start... sail on …. sail on siilllver girlll... you been spinnning me fast... like a tip toe world..... I done a lot of living... in this town... I done a lot of flying... with my feet on the ground... you can't build your bridges... after you burn em down.... I done a lot of living... but I'm dying now...
How long...... how long should it take... for you to learn your leeesons... from all your mistakes... how looong... until the welllll runs dry... buckets coming up empty... and your wondering why... you've done a lot of living.... in this town.... you've done a lot of flying... with your feeet on the groound... you can't build your bridges... after you burn em down.... you've done a lot of living..... but your dying now..... dying now....
so long... everything must go... I can't leave it behind.. if i've never really known.... so long... to nothing matters now... who knows if I stand a chance... but im trying anyhow... cus ive done a lot of living.. in this town... I've done a lot... of flying.. with my feet on the ground... you can't build your bridges after your burn em down.... i've done a lot of living... but i'm dying now... Ive done a lot of living... but i'm dying now...”
I hope she has the courage to be, I hope I do. I hope I realize the strength in me. I hope that she takes the time before she is made to... when there are no more distractions for her.... I hope she can say all the things she wants to say, that she means to say when she still can....
“Forgo your hope, save it from the ashes... or the will you wrote... everything passes awaaaaaaaay... hold out for what you thought you were making... just long... enough... to realize your going the wrong wayyyyyyyy..... oooooo you hold my..... heart forever..... and I can't hold on... to whats not there.... may you blosssom... like a flower.... may you go dancing... in the air....
give up... give back.... all that was taken... return.... relax... this feeling is not here to stayyy..... ayyyyyyy.... oooo you hold my... heart forever.... I cant hold on... to whats not theeeeeer.... may you blooooossom.... like a flower... may you go dancing..... in the air...”
I went to a new years eve party called “Adam Rising.” It was pretty fun, it had some live music and it was populated with people would classify themselves as “new age:” magicians, witches, shamans. I don't really keep up with the evolving terminology of different factions. I would say that the summation of my experience was that it was overall a great time and it was nice being in the company of fellow soul searchers. My impression is like that of what jesus points out. Throughout the night, they different events touched on some great concepts: the power of love, unity of our spirit, of life. Tantra was a central theme throughout the night as the party progressed throughout the night touching on the theme of the story of Adam, the first man from Genesis.
I remember talking to one person who was in to reiki, we were talking with someone else, and “i don't know exactly what we were talking about, but I just remember him saying one thing most specifically “i love knowledge.” And it just continued with some of the confusion I sensed in that community... or maybe within myself... All of these people using sensual experience to help them connect with something, a lot of them on drugs. I spent all of my teenage years using drugs, to manipulate my senses, my feelings... I think maybe the reason why I drank so much in high school and smoked so much weed was because I didn't want to feel anything, and now... Sometimes I tell myself that I want to feel everything... I want to be so intrinsically and profoundly at one with everything that I feel it all.
I think about our bodies, how easily the senses can be dulled, what if the same could be said for us. How am I able to feel the most subtle, and primordial “vibrations” if my feeling is limited to what I can perceive with my physical body? Is the spirit a sense? How could I possibly feel everything, I think it would be easier if everything felt me; If I didn't exist at all, and the I that is my physical body was just another part of the greater body that is the universe. Am I a fool for thinking that that might not be the case? We reap what we sow....
oh my isn't the extravagance of God so astounding!?!? Do you see? Can you see? Oh my oh my.... God forgive me... god forgive me!!! Forgive us all!!!! Have mercy!!! How could this be? I don't think there is anything more absurd than to deny the presence of God in each one of us; in everything. The design of it all... its breathtaking...
The intricacies of the interplay of everything is incredible... to think that this thing called life just happened by chance, because it was the only thing that could, that person hasn't taken the time to push a little further, to look at themselves..
…. ….
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I was right back then – to want to feel nothing – or maybe if it even matters... I look at these people...
I mean I get pretty damn horny sometimes... Its hard not to, anytime I pop on the internet almost all of the websites I go to have some sexy girl's pics staring at me in the face. Just popping up to check my email I need to bring my rosary.. haha ..
I go through this dating app and literally see all of these different women looking for “true love” and they aren't looking for hookups. I get that but what are you looking for exactly? What am I looking for exactly? I don't know. What is this... what is true love? Is it the whole dog and pony show? Is it the white picket fence?
When I first got to this party some guy sitting next to me started chatting with me, somehow he probed by describing how he came from a repressed background when I asked how he got involved in circles such as these. I think I told him I just consider myself open to all things and came across it on the meet up app. I thought about myself.. if I considered myself repressed... oppressed...
There was a play they put on that night, that told the story of the beginning of man... as I sat and watched there was this beautiful girl that was sitting next to me... And throughout the performance I couldn't help but feel... I felt her getting closer and closer. I wanted to run my fingers down her back, I wanted to run the back of my fingers across the side of her thigh. I wanted run up and down her body like a gentle breeze, brush the tip of my nose across her cheek. I wanted to touch her. I leaned over closer... put my hand down close to hers... she leaned over a little.
I looked on as the story of Adam's struggle with love played out before me....
I never touched her, though everything in me told me too, everything in me wanted to. “You dumb ass. She was leaning in closer.” But then there was something else... I sensed a reluctance.... something held me back...
“You don't know this girl at all... you haven't said one word to her in your life... now your just gonna start touching her hand?!”
I didn't know her... but I did... there was something... familiar...
After the play we all got up and started doing a winding snake. She made a point of getting a head of me for my hands to rest on her shoulders. When we first started walking, my hands resting lightly about her neck, on her shoulders. In my stomach I felt something akin to butterflies but slightly different, I then I brought it up my body down my arms, into my hands and poured it into her.
I wanted her to feel me....
As we walked about, a big snake coiling about the room, I couldn't help but feel as though I shouldn't be there. We hopped around the floor weaving in and out. When I would break off because of whatever reason she would look back extending one of her hands back for me to grab onto. Eventually someone who had broken off was waiting to hop in.... I let him in front of me.... shortly after the train broke... and people moved on to the next... they started to play some music.... I went to wait to start dancing as she retreated off to the side.... I waved her over, “come dance!”
“Maybe later, when there's more people... My name's....”
Then she retreated and I was left there... her name already lost to me...
No amount of people no matter how many or how few is gonna keep me from dancing... that's for sure... and it didn't... the band came on and I dance harder then I've danced in a long while...
“Some words just aren't meant to be caged..... please just listen... cus I don't ask for much... I am my own man... I make my own luck...”
Throughout the night people would come, starting to dance closer, inching closer but no one would grab my hand and just start dancing..
Sometimes I think I'll always be alone. I just don't want to be an accouterments to someone ease's life... and I don't want anyone else to be that for me... But is that ever even possible?
I was in the kitchen the other day at work and one of the chefs was talking about committed relationships and how everybody cheats and there is no such thing. Then I began to think about how being in a committed relationship doesn't necessarily exclusively mean not having sex with other people, because I feel like we only do that when we are in search of love, that apparently we don't get anywhere else. I mean how much more loving can an encounter be then with a relative stranger who wants nothing from you but your love, nothing else but a shared experience; no false sense of security, no manipulation. And yet, as close as the act of making love gets us, it never gets us the whole way. We are still left alone, trapped in our mortal coil of our own experience. The rhythm and harmony of our bodies moving in unison could only carry us so far. If our intent was love and not just a sexual release, just a sensual experience of our own; if it was to be one with other, united in spirit, transcending individual experience then we might finally feel that belonging that we long for; that fulfillment, that embrace...
So I tried to tell him my thoughts on committed relationships, how it means that we are committed to love and that people cheat when they don't get the love they need, but somehow what I said went in one ear and out the other and he went on with a story about his life, which was entertaining nevertheless.
I often think that I will never be married, have kids, or even a serious relationship. Not only do I think that my lifestyle would not be compatible with most people looking for a relationship these days, but I think that most people wouldn't ever really live up to who I would want them to be with me. I can't even live up to who I want to be for others...
Much like the cheaters who are looking for that one true love, now that they've realized that the person they're with may not be satisfying their desires, may not be the person who they need them to be, so they go out looking, they give it a try with someone new. Maybe, its not cheating but a new relationship. But aren't committed relationships about working to make sure that we love each other, overcoming whatever obstacles that bar us from these things, from love? Isn't that what a committed relationship is?
Can anyone be who I need them to be?
Can I be who I need to be?
Can I truly love?
I've come to think that we can never truly love, we can never truly be loved without first loving God. God is what binds us. How can I ever feel embraced, ever feel fulfilled without the love of God that is in everything, that extends my being beyond the experience of my mind and body. How could I ever hope to rid myself of loneliness and despair without God. How could I ever hope to feel someone else, how could I ever hope for them to feel me without love. How could I ever hope to be one without God.
Sometimes I wonder if I really am just too self centered to be in a relationship and I just use excuses like women wouldn't want to be in relationship where its not entirely about them. Where I wouldn't love them before everything else. I mean all of these movies and what not... who knows, maybe they're right to a certain extent. I sometimes worry that I wouldn't be able to do that for them and I therefore shouldn't be in a relationship.
I'm having flashbacks of the elementary school rhyme we sang “will and someone sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.”
HAHA... I mean truly, the irony is everywhere and the drama of life is quite fantastic. Sitting in a tree.. Shakespeare said the world is a stage... but I never quite grasped the entirety of what he meant.
But, seriously. I think the success of any and all relationships depend first upon and stem from love and our dedication to it, and the subsequent person we become as a result. And all of this resulted from a flirtation, a subtle feeling in the deepest part of us, that surrounds us.
“we run into a dark room... we spasm to the sounds... of a copy of Morrissey.... or the blues of the Deep South...
And the drugs will only hide it... the feeling never really goes... you wont find love at the bottom... of a class c hole...
And you don't know what you've got until its gone... and you don't know who to love until your lost... and you don't know how to feel until the moment's passed... I wish you'd live like your made of glass...
We've got work in the mornin... but it's nearly 5am... is this really what we envisaged.....? We wont be 21 again....
And in the haze you see colors... and problems suddenly make sense... but the way you've been going... you'll be in an early grave...”
Toward the end they brought the new years eve party they brought everyone's attention to a “prayer tree” that they wanted people to write down their prayers or resolutions for 2016 on torn leaflets of paper they threw out into the crowd and then attach to the tree. While I never attached mine, or wrote one down, as I was too busy just dancing and what not, and also didn't have a pen hahah. I'd like to make mine now. I'd like to lose myself entirely this year. I want to become so weak that the strength of life overwhelms me completely. I don't want to exist come this time next year. I want to have poured everything into, giving everything over to God. I want to be able to say that everything I did, each day I lived and that everything was for the glory of something greater, of God. Who am I kidding?! Everything already is!!
“Because I'm alive I give you my life, because I am free I bow at your feet! Because I am low Im able to love, because I am yours my worth is secure.... God be praaaaaaaaaaaaaised.... forever we will shout your naaaaaaaaaaaaame..... your over all... you left heaven for earth.... your glory for us... risen king be lifted high....”
“god let your kiiiiiiiiiiingdom reeeeeeeeeeignn.... let all the earth proclaaaaaaaaaaim...... god on the earth.... let your kingdom reiiiiiiign!!!”
“glory to goooooood the hiiighest.... no other name but jeeeeesus.... all of creation cries out...... glory to god the highest.. hallleeeeeeluuuuuuia to the kiiing.... hallleeeeeeluuuuuuia to the kiiing.... hallleeeeeeluuuuuuia to the kiiing.... who reigns aloooooooooone.....”
“people of god riiiise... the kingdom's at hand.... these walls are craaashing dowwwwwn... only love... your love in us has power to change the world.... darkness is shsaking.... only youuuuuuu.... can raise us up to bring love to the world.... your light is breaking..... your love in us is how we change the world...”
“our god is an awesome god... is an awesome god... he reigns from heaven above with wisdom.. wisdom power and love... our god is an awesome awesome god...”
“I may be weak... but your spirit strong in me... my flesh may faaaaailll..... my god you never willll...”
“he is love and we are freee.. he is love and we have found our peace... ooouuuuur king has coooooooome....”
After I quit my other job waiting tables thinking that I was going to embark on this adventure I moved back in with my parents, thought that I would start my own traditional cabinetry business, given my past interest in the craft. It's a nice thing to think about doing, not having to subject myself to corporate dehumanization and not allowing myself to “speak back” to people when they are being dicks and let them know when they are being dicks without losing my job. Not having to pay taxes to a system that does things without my knowledge....
But here I am again, just got another job waiting tables... only difference is I am living with my parents now... I mean I could have gotten on the train and tried to make it work, I could have put more of an effort in to succeed but I never gave it a true shot and the only thing I have to show for my efforts are a bunch of old tools and a bunch of logs taking up my parents' back yard, lord knows its testing their obsession with the lawn. I think I fell for the lie I was telling people when they asked me what I was going to do after I quit my job. I think it was something I cooked up to avoid having to follow through with what I know is right and not necessary committing my efforts through taxes to things that I don’t necessary agree with. And that's a crime in this country. And who would accept me? What country would allow me to live? All the land is “owned”. The lost tribe of Israel wondering the land, no place to call their own. You know that the US government views people who think like me as the number one threat in America, not people who are going around trying to kill people, not actual terrorists, because terror is a part of the system and the philosophy I and others share is in direct opposition to the existence of the institutions which govern the world of men. But the stone that the builders refused will be the head of the corner; it will be the stone that crushes the stubborn Whore of Babylon to powder.
“The FBI considers sovereign-citizen extremists as comprising a domestic terrorist movement, which, scattered across the United States, has existed for decades, with well-known members, such as Terry Nichols, who helped plan the Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, bombing. Sovereign citizens do not represent an anarchist group, nor are they a militia, although they sometimes use or buy illegal weapons. Rather, they operate as individuals without established leadership and only come together in loosely affiliated groups to train, help each other with paperwork, or socialize and talk about their ideology. They may refer to themselves as “constitutionalists” or “freemen,” which is not necessarily a connection to a specific group, but, rather, an indication that they are free from government control. They follow their own set of laws. While the philosophies and conspiracy theories can vary from person to person, their core beliefs are the same: The government operates outside of its jurisdiction. Because of this belief, they do not recognize federal, state, or local laws, policies, or regulations.1 One prevalent sovereign-citizen theory is the Redemption Theory, which claims the U.S. government went bankrupt when it abandoned the gold standard basis for currency in 1933 and began using citizens as collateral in trade agreements with foreign governments.2 These beliefs can provide a gateway to illegal activity because such individuals believe the U.S. government does not act in the best interests of the American people. By announcing themselves as sovereign citizens, they are emancipated from the responsibilities of being a U.S. citizen, including paying taxes, possessing a state driver’s license, or obeying the law.”
"33Hear another parable: There was a certain householder, which planted a vineyard, and hedged it round about, and digged a winepress in it, and built a tower, and let it out to husbandmen, and went into a far country: 34And when the time of the fruit drew near, he sent his servants to the husbandmen, that they might receive the fruits of it. 35And the husbandmen took his servants, and beat one, and killed another, and stoned another. 36Again, he sent other servants more than the first: and they did unto them likewise. 37But last of all he sent unto them his son, saying, They will reverence my son. 38But when the husbandmen saw the son, they said among themselves, This is the heir; come, let us kill him, and let us seize on his inheritance. 39And they caught him, and cast him out of the vineyard, and slew him. 40When the lord therefore of the vineyard cometh, what will he do unto those husbandmen? 41They say unto him, He will miserably destroy those wicked men, and will let out his vineyard unto other husbandmen, which shall render him the fruits in their seasons. 42Jesus saith unto them, Did ye never read in the scriptures, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes? 43Therefore say I unto you, The kingdom of God shall be taken from you, and given to a nation bringing forth the fruits thereof. 44And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.” - Matthew 21, King James Version The government documents have already been issued, the agenda put in place to demonize “constitutionalists” and “Christians” and anyone else who doesn't toe the line as domestic terrorists.... and a climax is yet to come to head. The question is if we can turn that corner... in society... if we will be broken so that we can build or we will be crushed to powder. The documents and memos abound preparing the system to process the so called “domestic threat.”
The conflict of ownership, of ego, between government and private citizens is coming to a head already as just most recently non violent, armed men seized and unoccupied a federal building in protest to the governments “Agenda 21” policies and the greater policies that have encroached on the concept of “individual” and “sovereign citizens” or “rights” which is vastly becoming topics associated with “domestic terrorism.” Yes these men are armed, but there is no harm intended no terror . Yet here we have a situation that no one seems to want to address..... we would rather go on with our lives fighting and killing each other and chalking it up to “well that's just the way things go...”
Where is the patience...? Where is the virtue....? Doesn't anyone care about the truth?
“Lets just raid these mother fuckers and get this show on the road.... They're fucking asking for it anyways... these ass holes trying to drum up a conflict that could cause problems and destroy our country...”
“If I die I am gonna die guns blazing for freedom, for justice...”
“These men are terrorists and need to be treated as such, we need to arrest and imprison them.”
“These zombies going along with the destruction of our country aren't gonna take me alive, I am not going to rot in a cell...”
AWAY BEAST!!!!!! ommmmmmmmmmmmmm ….
Is it all about me? Do I not factor in at all and its all about the sake of the collective?
Can it be both? ….
“The son of man has no place to rest his head.”
I think I was avoiding the conflict, I was giving up. I think I tricked myself into thinking that I was giving up by going out in the woods.
But here I am... apparently not much has changed... at least not from the perspective of an outside observer... but I know a lot has changed...
I started getting really into my kung fu class and telling myself I will just learn a lot of kung fu so I can handle myself out in the world when I do head out.... And I have learned a lot... I can do a split now.... and I never thought I would ever be able to do that... haha... sweet!
I have started practicing Pranayama breathing techniques guided through a kundalini yoga youtube video and seen some great improvements...
I have changed a lot on the inside... I have become stronger... or weaker... I am not really sure.... stronger at least for now... I am building my house on a rock... I am establishing a foundation so when I do have my doubts... when I do fall I will not fall far... I can pick myself back up...
I didn't trick myself into anything... I put it in gods hands... I forsake the world and be.....
Does it even matter what I do? My fruits? Are my fruits necessarily my words? Is my heart some kind of quantum communications beacon broadcasting out throughout the universe. Is that the real work? The true fruit? What I create in my heart?
Is that where it starts and stops? In the heart?
I was taking a poop this morning and light was shining through the bathroom window but some light was getting refracted somehow on me as I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees and my hands under my chin. I looked down on my nose and the light that hit it made it look pink. I thought that it was too pink to just be light passing through flesh, so I straightened up and saw light refracting hitting my leg. Red on one side, blue on the other. I looked around at other light refracted elsewhere. Full spectrum rainbow. I thought about those old pictures of Jesus I have seen in various places, with his hand pointing to his heart, the red and blue coming from his heart. I thought about the hand sign that he is often depicted holding... Things I have heard about the heart being more than a regulatory pump for our circulation... How its more..
I don't know...
“19Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: 20But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: 21For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
22The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light. 23But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!
24No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
25Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? 26Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? 27Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? 28And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: 29And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” Matthew 6, KJV
Do any of us even know what love is? If we are told to love... we have reasoned and programmed love down to a sequence of procedures, a chemical reaction. IS it even something we create or let take us, something we're reduced to...
“5Thomas saith unto him, Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how can we know the way? 6Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. 7If ye had known me, ye should have known my Father also: and from henceforth ye know him, and have seen him.
8Philip saith unto him, Lord, shew us the Father, and it sufficeth us. 9Jesus saith unto him, Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known me, Philip? he that hath seen me hath seen the Father; and how sayest thou then, Shew us the Father? 10Believest thou not that I am in the Father, and the Father in me? the words that I speak unto you I speak not of myself: but the Father that dwelleth in me, he doeth the works. 11Believe me that I am in the Father, and the Father in me: or else believe me for the very works' sake. 12Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father. 13And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.
15If ye love me, keep my commandments.
16And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; 17Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.
18I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. 19Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also. 20At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you. 21He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him. 22Judas saith unto him, not Iscariot, Lord, how is it that thou wilt manifest thyself unto us, and not unto the world? 23Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him. 24He that loveth me not keepeth not my sayings: and the word which ye hear is not mine, but the Father's which sent me.
25These things have I spoken unto you, being yet present with you. 26But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.” - John 14, King James Version
“1I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman. 2Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit. 3Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. 4Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. 5I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing. 6If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned. 7If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. 8Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples. 9As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love. 10If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love. 11These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.
12This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.” - John 15, King James Version
“5And when his disciples were come to the other side, they had forgotten to take bread. 6Then Jesus said unto them, Take heed and beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees. 7And they reasoned among themselves, saying, It is because we have taken no bread. 8Which when Jesus perceived, he said unto them, O ye of little faith, why reason ye among yourselves, because ye have brought no bread? 9Do ye not yet understand, neither remember the five loaves of the five thousand, and how many baskets ye took up? 10Neither the seven loaves of the four thousand, and how many baskets ye took up? 11How is it that ye do not understand that I spake it not to you concerning bread, that ye should beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees? 12Then understood they how that he bade them not beware of the leaven of bread, but of the doctrine of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees.” - Matthew 16
Last night I had a weird dream. I realized that I was sleeping and I tried to make myself aware of myself sleeping in my bed. I think it was that day that I was thinking about my yoga teacher telling me not to be scared next time I had an out of body experience, which I had told him I had before. I told him that it felt like I was dying as I was aware of myself sleeping in my bed. But last night I saw this awareness level as an opportunity to push past, wanted to launch myself into the stars and I did. I don't remember much but I remember just going really far, trying to go around the earth but it all started to feel more like a dream than anything. I think after I tried to go places around the earth I went into space and went really far and then I wanted to wake up, but couldn’t. Normally when I was in dreams I could wake up when I wanted to. I tried hard to wake up in my room but it wouldn’t happen. Then I remember being scared. Then I remember not remembering anything after that until I finally did wake up.
Anyways... I am still alive... I woke up... I think?
So I woke up this morning after only sleeping about 5 hours.... I seem to be sleeping less recently for whatever reason.... but I woke from a terrible dream
I should have gotten up and started writing about it immediately because now its becoming vague and indistinct
I just remember that I was at my aunts house in upstate new york, a different house than I normal have dreams in, and was playing there and then someone started killing people or something.... and I stopped them eventually and then when I went to people to try to get them to help it was like the truman show and everyone was trying to get the person I had stopped and caught off... everyone seemed like they were turning against me.... I called 911 and the operator wouldn't do anything to send police to take the person away... I went to the neighbors... my family.. no help.... they all made it seem like I was at fault... like I was the one that had done something wrong.... then even my mother did the same thing... she morphed into this witch like version of my mother when I began to expose to myself the rouse that this nightmare was.... I was incensed as she tried diligently to try to put me back under some spell...
I just remember saying something along the lines of... “you may have been able to fool me..” or subdue me or something but I just remember feeling like I failed in my dream as I appeared to take pleasure in the vengeful justice that would befall them from the “one who sees all...”
To which the witch responded chidingly something like “ooo who exactly is that” then I responded with something like the master of the universe or god or most high or creator... some name that I cant remember... but when I found myself seemingly content with the satisfaction that they were going to get what was coming to them I was saddened, and I felt like I failed and when I felt this I woke up and it was before the sun was even peaking over.... it was the deadest part of night and I was stunned that I had woken up so vividly at this point in the night after having only gone to sleep only a few hours before.
I laid there in bed for a while. It felt sooooo dark. And the darkness closed in on me..
Maybe I haven't been sleeping long because I have been going to bed later and always just seem to rise from my sleep with the sun, maybe its because I've been eating gallons of yogurt in an attempt to strengthen the bones in my bad foot and my restless stomach is not giving me the most rested mind and sleep, maybe its because of the kung fu and my body is doing all sorts of crazy changes and things that are keeping me from a peaceful sleep.... but I tend to think that its from the deep conflict I have within myself.... the deepest part of me calls to me to return to nature... to forgo the norms and mores of modern civilization.. not to say that I would like to forsake the people, yet I know that by doing so they would forsake me... I would be an outcast, a crazy person, I would be the homeless guy that lives in the woods behind someones house... people would call the cops on me.... who knows... maybe I would get taken by some secret government program to do some secret experiments on given my status, maybe they would make me into something that would justify peoples...
I woke this morning and I went to a very dark place... The 2 pac song “my block” was going through my head …. “it appears that I been marked for death....”
I mean... DOES IT EVEN FUCKING MATTER WHAT I DO!?!? Probably not so much.. I laid there in bed in the darkness... occasionally glancing out the window to gauge what time it was hoping to see the beginnings of the light from the sun breaking the horizon. But I sat there and thought about all the things that society would do to me... everything that they wouldn't... I felt like I was crazy... I thought that maybe I am fucking nuts... that I have been brainwashed by some religious shit....
Just like I overheard my brother talking with my mom about my aunt the other day...
I know that my sister... brother... mom... dad... my whole family.... most of my friends and acquaintances that I've made throughout my life.... they would all just chalk my entire life as something like “that crazy guy...”
I laid there in bed this morning feeling like I wasn't real... like this reality wasn't reality.... that this grand scheme and matrix entangling everything is just some fucking spell...
That everything was fake...
I felt like I was crazy... because isn't that the type of thing that crazy people think?
I like that quote that I have read somewhere... about how only the sane people recognize that they are crazy.. it gives me solace when I feel like I am fucking losing my mind. But hey... isn't that what I'm after... isn't that why I meditate... to not think... to lose myself... to forgo my ego....
This is my meditation... this is the primordial chaos....
Sometimes I don't want to look at another fucking computer screen for as long as I live.... to see what it would be like to be separated form all electronics... form all the trappings of I feel like a fucking mole... trapped inside... because why? I have a duty to these fucking fake people!?!? Out of some false sense honor or whatever the fuck....
I mean I have literally spent an absurd amount of time parked in front of a screen staring at it.... I feel; like who I am is just some culmination of extensive programming.... maybe there is some interaction … I like to think... that there is me that has made this programming my own.... maybe...
But why do I like to think that..... when I am trying to forgo the ego.... wtf …... WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!??!?! Make up your fucking mind already!!!!
goddamn I am a piece. of. shit.... In my lonely, hornyness I reached out to this girl who I broke it off with a year and a half ago... it was more mutual than anything... but when it happened I remember feeling relieved... relieved that I wasn't going to be headed down this road of commitment.... i'm such a selfish ass hole.... I am gonna go and break this girls heart one more fucking time...
I like to trick myself that I am avoiding these commitments so I can go about the “great work” but really I am just a fucking nutter that's fucking horny and selfish... Maybe me admitting that is trying to make it seem like because I admit it I am not but really am.....
I am the fucking vitruvian man trapped in a fucking circle... fuck
But I emailed this girl being like, “hey I lost your number when my phone fell down a sewer” which really happened... “just seeing how you are doing, hope all is well”
Totally stocking this girl I googled her.... found her on etsy and contacted her through her etsy email.... lmao..
But randomly this girl decides to email me back as I go out on this date with this other girl....
I think I emailed her because though we fucked it up... I missed just being with her.. holding her... we may have lived in different worlds... and it wasn't like we were together for years... it was only a couple months... but I missed her.. and figured hey might as well give a try.. reach out... see if she felt the same...
But she gets back to me at this time of all times... not that this other girl that I went on a date with wanted to peruse it... I mean we have texted back and forth but neither of us have since tried to meet up again.
But fuck it.... here I am about to go meet up with this girl who I stocked on etsy for some tea followed by a yoga class... and who the fuck knows what will happen... where things will go...
I miss kissing her...
but anyways...
I felt pretty fucking nuts this morning.... like I was going back to a dream from a nightmare...
Then I went and saw the Revenant with my brother... and it was fucking nuts... something I would definitely need to watch again at home... take it in...
last night when I got in bed I just laid there in the dark....on my back, my eyes closed..... I sat there …. and I couldnt help but think about life... about this world.....
“You cannot serve two masters”.... I was thinking about this girl I went on a date with... she spent a bunch of the time trying to say how wrong the world was... how everything we do is wrong.... she started in with the whole gender roles that we are brainwashed to conform to, about how music is just what people have decided is music.... and I wasn't inclined to disagree... but then she went in on how music is subjective and then I had to throw my two cents in...
I tried to explain how people can create music that sounds good to others because it sounds good to themselves... they stay true to themselves in the creative process, and that there is something that supersedes individual perception. Music is by definition something that is pleasing to the ear, and sure there are varying tastes, but most of everyone can agree to listen to something and determine if it is music or not. There is a structure, a harmony of sounds and rhythm.
Before she was talking about how much she likes thinking about the universe... about whatever... about some theory of how there are microorganisms that are found to be able to live under any condition.... and that they are found in everything. She name dropped the flower of life.... about how its just proof of something... but she didn't know what..... she just knew that it wasn't religion.... She said something about how science is able to explain something that religions cant... she went on about how brainwashed people are that follow religions....
I mean I sat there listening to her rant about how backwards the world is.... I mean... shit... isn't that what I do to myself all the time... it was glad to hear someone else saying the words and being on the flip side for once...
When I suggested that people are able to make music that sounds good to others because, like the flower of life, like those theories about the universe that the priests of science.... there is a truth that is in everything... it was something she didnt want to hear because it was similar to what I said about how religions offer the same thing about the spirit in everything.... I remarked how fascinating the concept of karma is, that this entire world is entangled... everything just bouncing off each other.... how somthign moves one way...another thing moves another way in response...but what is the impetus... is this life all just a big program.. can we be at fault if it is.... is there a certain degree of ownership... what gives the impetus... is the source as apparent as it seems... or is there something else working at a quantum level that we cant understand...
But to a certain degree... I feel like this girl just lives her entire life to be contradictory … She views that the world isn't perfect by her standards so by virtue of this, we must be doing something wrong.... the shops and stores … the buildings.... she was going off …
And as I lay there in bed last night.... thinking about the night I had with this girl before.... I couldn't help but fear that I live in this way.... that maybe this is why I am here....
I am living because I cant accept being a program... I cant accept being a function of something else... which is a function in and of itself... so what the fuck is wrong with me...
“You cannot serve two masters...”
I don't want to do something just for the sake of being contrary... because everyone is doing something... because no one is doing something....
I don't want to make music that I am constantly worried about how others will hear it.... I want to search the inner most recesses of my being and express all of it and say that.... I lived...
What is this innate desire to justify our own existence...?
If to be human means free will, the ability to choose, what choices are there really?
Sometimes I feel like I hear what sounds like a short circuit in my brain or that sound the amplifier makes when you plug in a a electronic device and wonder “am I a fucking robot!?!?!?”
Isn't that what I claim to want anyways? Yet, still, the notion goes against every grain of my being....
I don't want to be a fucking program... a subservient.... and I think …. “i am lost....”
If I am just a character in someone else s dream... just an aspect of someone else's self....
If I am just reacting to someone else's impetus... I don't want to be someone else's dream.... I want to dream...
Ohhh god forgive me......
As I laid there in the dark... I told myself... “you better remember to write this down when you get up in the morning.. and don't forget to write about that other stuff....” which was the thought I never finished when I was writing the other day... which was about those times when everything just feels so chaotic.... and the world just seems to be spinning.... a thousand different people just poking you as you spin in circles this way and that way...
Who will wash my feet....? How many people will I glance up at and our eyes will meet, they will flash a smile, and I will smile too and then continue on, walking on.. head to the grindstone... “You have to walk alone...” I tell myself.. “I am alone....”
no... you are alone...
Then there is always that feeling.... When you are still..... and the storm seems to quiet... when you seem utterly depleted, like you have nothing left...
My grandfather... he lay there with nothing but his breathing... somewhere between worlds
and as you are still its as if something feels you... you feel something.... deep inside your chest.... and its as if it comes down and swoops you up, encircles you, wraps you in warmth and fills you with peace. I love that feeling... the comfort of surrendering. That return to the truth... that “I am entirely yours and you are entirely mine” comforting feeling.
so I thought about writing that thought down last night... as I laid there cursing myself and my self authored damnation.... and then I just let go....................... Something encircled me...and I was gone...