Sleep, my child.. sleep through the storm..
Yours. Truly. | Wednesday, April 22, 2015 -- 1:55 PM EDT
more of that arrogant shit you like... i am tired yet have tons of energy... just me whining and moaning about how i need a recharge...
Well.. I made good on my word... today I confronted my mom and told her plainly that I wasn't going to pay my taxes.. hoping that she would just leave it be and just enjoy each other's company.. I was right... I was telling her something she already knew... I could tell.. she didnt acknowledge it... she still doesnt...
I took her out to lunch to tell her... we got some good food at a local italian joint...
After we went and saw the movie “true story.” Which was pretty good... to be honest... the movie that was playing may not have been as good as the movie that was playing in my mind... but maybe that is the movie... I don't fucking know...
I remember going to the movies a lot... giving my ticket to the ticket taker and in response to them telling me to enjoy the movie I would say “you too.” I remember being aware I was doing it....
To tell you the truth... part of me wants to just sit back and enjoy the movie and take a break from writing... but part of me sees this as part of the movie...
So my mom told me about a storm that happened the night before, the night of the marathon.... apparently there was a big thunderstorm that passed through her town... she told me my brother saw it and said that it was pretty topical, pretty severe....
My mom told me how she had talked to my uncle in upstate new york, that he related to her how a pretty major thunderstorm had passed through up there...
she told me how she slept through it.. that she wanted to wake up... but she slept through.. I can't recall anything happenign in my neck of the woods, I slept through too apparently... She was sad because she always likes a good storm... I reassure her that there will always more time for storms...
My mom joked questioning her powers... how she didn't know what she will do now that she is loosing her powers to predict thunder storms.... She has the nickname of “Meteorologist Mary;” always looking on her ipad on the weatherchannel, got all the apps updating her whats to come...
Is there anyone out there listening!??!?! Can you see!??!?!?! Do you see!?!??!?
I just sigh to myself... I thought about saying something in reference to the bible... but nah...
Just last night my mom asked me that cant anything ever not be about the bible.. about god?
“I wish you never discovered the bible.... its like a cult...”
I think to myself, “a cult indeed, if only she knew what cult she was in.”
….
Man this is tough...
getting through this part of the movie.... ;D
I remember back when I was in middle school, there was this kid who was overweight.... he liked to joke about his weight, I remember thinking about what he was doing... like he was self handicapping in some way... like maybe he was trying to spare himself the verbal abuse that mean kids do by making it a joke.... like he was tricking himself into thinking that he was actually that.... I was overweight too... but I didn't want to be like that... I didn't want to make fun of my own weight... I felt like each time he did that he identified himself with that, that he was letting himself define himself as that.....
Why? So that he could numb himself to the persecution of others...? To make himself more comfortable with who he was? Who was he?
..
Anyways.....
The night before the storm... after the marathon... I had made plans to hang with this guys from work, the same guy who made the comment about not being able to get past the “mega church” vibes.... He wanted to get together and hang, talk about shit.... I would make some comments about reading the Bible, because he was talking about some great music that had some great lyrics... “some of the best writing is in the bible” I offered.
“Yeah, but I don't want that to be the reason I read the bible.....” wow... The force is strong with this one....
Anyways... he probably was getting some “mega-chruch vibes” from me... maybe I was giving them... can't say... I don't fucking know.... but months elapsed before we actually hung out...
sorry....
got a little sidetracked from the typing scene. Just bought my bus tickets to go to NYC and visit some friends of mine from highschool.... should be fun...
I sent them a text after I sent them a link to this blog a couple of days ago without ever hearing a response from either of them...
“Just bought my tickets guys... It's not too late to rescind!”
“Bring yo black ass on!” one of them says in the group message.
“Awww siiiiiiit... you don't even know... let's go!”
Then I start laughing to myself... thinking how crazy I am getting......
hahahahha... fuck that....
Anyways.... I had popped on some hevia “al otro lado” to listen to on itunes... when the album finished, the Aladdin soundtrack starts to play... I am presently a few tracks deep... but boy... the movie is fucking exciting...
Alright, back to the flash back..... hahah
I found myself thinking about the clothes I just gave away, thikning this a few minutes ago I thought about all of the money, I had spent on them, all of the hours working at my other jobs working to buy clothes... I have so many clothes.... most of which rarely get worn more than once a month, if that... I thought about why I bought them... I thought that maybe I bought them for exactly this purpose.... so that I could give them away.... I don't fucking know....
Before I left my parents this morning, I spent the night after the lunch and the movie, I give my mom a little kiss and as I start walking into the car she says “reconsider.”
If only she knew... I have had my doubts I still have them... Just today I found myself questioning the purpose of me writing this at all... because I know the truth... I know that these messages, this truth, the truth, will ultimately be disseminated through a kind of collective consciousness of truth, from the earth, from the air, the ether... so why the fuck am I doing this...
as I sit here typing the fire alarm test going on the floor below me goes off...
Then I prayed... “God keep me on the path” “I give myself to you” “I am yours”, and the answer came... it came through Jesus... Jesus didn't come to call the righteous, to call those living in truth. He came to call the sinners to repentance...... to give the blind their sight...
…..
Shit.... I am arrogant...
“Lord make me humble”
….
Fuck...
….
….
I think now about what I say here, what meaning may be derived... I just pray I am his... That I don't mislead people..
Fuck that..
….
shit...
Miracles... would people need to see “miracles”....
**Sigh**
Just today, after I left my parents house my mom called me telling me about how she thought I left some reusable grocery bags that I wanted to take back with me, I reassured her that I don't need them, that I still have some at my place...
Some how my mom thought about a quote from the bible, “blessed are those who not seeing, believe.”
I worry... what I am doing to myself.... that I may fall victim to a narrative I don't want to see play out...
“some day soon we'll all be gone... sooo.... let it all ouuuuuut..... let it all ouuuut..... todayyyyy.”
I dont want it to come to fire in the sky... to a great gnashing of teeth...
If it did... would it be my fault.... that I didn't do enough...
….
fuck...
...
“God.... thy will be done... make me humble...”
This mornign I was watching some videos...
sorry...
I had to step away...
I had to pray...
As I stood on my carpet I thought... “That rug really tied the room together, did it not?”
Shit... I am getting tired.....
I cant stop shaking.... I think I am cold.... but I want the window open.. I like being warm... but I like the fresh air better...
shit....
“is it the darknesss.... is it a man resigned..... is it a best friend.... leaving you behind..... is it ever going to stop..... will they ever let you go.....”
I think I will go get a blanket... wrap myself up in that shit nice and tight.... bang this entry out....
All right... let's do this...
alright... the shaking subsided... for now... but I think that I might have to make this a two parter... I think those shakes will ultimately come back... that I need to get out in the sun.... get warmth... get my strength...
I watched “Superman: man of Steel” last night... shit got real for me... He didn't save his father because his father was convinced the world wasn't ready for him to reveal himself...
Fuck.... maybe i'm the fucking beast... I don't fucking know...
I think about the bible...
Fuck... damn.... I see you... I see your moves....
If I said that I am Jesus... obviously that would be pretty crazy by commonly accepted social standards... wouldnt it....
If I tried to tell people that Jesus is in me and I in Jesus... well shit... would the world hate me...
If I said that Jesus is in you and you in Jesus... what would happen then....
Well prophecy would be fulfilled... and we would believe in the bible prophecy that much more... theere would be a bunch of false prohphets running around...
Shit...
I pray that this is God's will...
“Let my people go!”
Lol I cant make this shit up... I was listening to James Blunt and after the album finished, my man Louis Armstrong' s album “all time the best hits”... I am fucking listening to “go down moses” now....
Anyways... shit....
I was watching Superman last night, when he had to turn himself in, he had to give himself... yes I get the connotations that the movie was implying, the contrasts, but still..
I thought about when his dad advised him.. “you have to decide what kind of person you want to be.”
shit....
“sometimes I feel like a motherless child... a long ways from home....”
But when he turned himself in, he didn't have to... he let them cuff him, because it made them feel safer..
Shiiiiiiiiiit....
So yesterday... I was thinking about how randomly some person said they could pick up my shift friday night.... I had initially requested friday through sunday off but, she only scheduled me on saturday as requested off.. aww well... “thy will be done...”
Still... I tried.... I sent out an email, a shot in the dark yes.... I mean everyone is hounding for shifts... this guy emails me later saying he will take it...
“shit... probability... wahtever...”
I dont even care anymore...
so now I am heading to new york, I think about when I was down there with my dad and my brother... I remember tehse guys standing outside the hotel we were in in time square..... there were a couple of these black men, with all sorts of conviction, preaching on the streets... my brother and I went down a little further to go smoke our cigarrettes.... but I listened still.. as we stood tehre... all this shit going on in time square... these guys fascinated me...
So there was this one guy who would read... “read!” another guy would say... and then he would also stop him and go on interperetting, preaching, explaining, before telling his friend to “read!”... I cant remember the verses.. I just remember those guys.. their faces a blur...
I dont know... I thought about me standing with my truth oppression sign... was I doing anything... was I reaching anyone..? I thought about better methods I might just get the message out there... the message of this blog...
“Should I go out like these men... maybe I should bring my bible and just start reading... how many people are going to just walk by me... not listen..”
**Deep breath(edit from sigh)**
blah....
fuck … I dont know... just wanted to sahre that...
But here I am, hanging out with this guy from work... he comes in, checks out the pad... he is a guitarist and singer song writer so I show him the two guitars I have... let him play around...
“Damn, it sounds good when you play those..”
I want him to feel comfortable... I know why he's here... why he wanted to hang out... I shared with him my blog... and he actually looked and saw.... he wanted to pick my brain... get at the truth... after all... this is still a medium.... he wanted to “pick my brain,” to see what I was thinking...
We went on... I gave him a annotated version of my life... related to him some stories... I dont really know... I told him how I pray... I read him some passages... specifically the one about the lillies of the field... about how we should pray... about meaning it in our hearts... about how are father in secret sees what's in our hearts, in secret...
I tell him about my views on the bible... I expounded on my first entry.. about my experience as I was writing it... my doubt...
this blanket is working suprisingly well.. I am happy I bought this thing...
I showed him my blanket... I tell him how happy I was that I bought this blanket... what a worthy investment it was... I show him... I hand it to him... I see that maybe he is a little grossed out... touching a blanket that I sleep under.. and do lord knows what else with...
He relents, out of politeness??
I take it out of his hands when I see his discomfort....
So... shit... I just want to bang this out real quick... get it uploaded... gotta work tonight.. i'll see what I can do...
He texted me after he left, thanking me for the food and that it was very inspirational... I dont know that he meant it... because I felt like an arrogant prick after... I had my doubt...
I mean yesterday... I found myself thinking about how I was explaining to him the extent of eugenics... how...
I believe I used the words “that shit pisses God off, that shit get's God's blood boiling”....
HA
wow...
I still am laughing right now as I type it...
good god.. save me...
I don't know... but I do...
When we turn on each other... that pisses god off...
fuck...
I tried to eplain to him, how god talks to people who are listening... who humble themselves.. who pray with their hearts asking for guidance... to serve god...
The different way's god can reach out... in the world... in the mind...
He jokes when my tv's screen turns blue as we are talking about some subject... “Uhh... the screen just turned blue... what does it mean...”
I offer some guidance... “tight... what that literally means is that my apple tv went to sleep... but maybe you derive some other meaning.”
I never warned him though... “But who is to say that is god talking to you... or your own self speaking to you... giving meaning to something that has none....”
hahaha.. oh boy....
Whata trip...
When I went to Salem for my friends birthday... he realated to me the origins of his alter ego, “the poooka” his meaning... I was genuinly intrigued... he related it to me before.. but I had forgotten... my inquiry was prompted by the bunny ears he wore over his hat...
I know him, he is a mason, he studies symbols, symbolism, his favorite write is Alleister Crowley...
We used to get into debates all the time at the place we worked at... I am grateful for our time together...
Maybe he really is the pooka... playing the devil's advocate. To reveal some greater truht.. maybe I am the pooka... I dont fucking know...
I go on relating to my friend who came over that night the orwell quote I believe I cited in the previous entry.. about “the object of power is power.”
I told him about my doubts I had that I tried to express in my first entry... about the bible.... about what if its just a book created to persuade people like me, who see the sickness, who see the system for what it is from having any effect or influence... to get us all to forsake the world... to pack it up and head for the hills...
I knew the truth though.. I knew the bible... the story of Jesus...
I knew this to be far from what jesus was saying when he was talking about being a sword. I knew the truth....
I related to him the story in 1984... about a book that was used by the party to help break down the psyche of people seeing truth for what it is... people seeing love... I explained to him how they created this illusory underground revolutionary force to draw people that see the truth so that they could be more easily rooted out... I explained to him FBI tactics of catching terrorists... how they will suck people in who they think might actually be capable of carrying out terrorist attacks, how they will go as far as to hatch the actual terrorist plot themselves, maybe even trying to get them to justify the actions...
I joked.... “who knows?!?! Maybe I am an O'brien, sucking you in to the light like a fly zapper.”
shit... am I??? What if what I am talking about is just something to get people to be subservient, to allow a communist revolution to come in run roughshod over the population... if not communists.. then the elite...
I think back to my birthday... I thought about america... I thought about the revolution... “was the revolution some plan hatched and guided by a bunch of Masons to keep the colonists in line, a grand show... I mean look what happened as a result.... it only took a few years until it was back to business as usual... Part of some great plan... The great work.... fuck...
“3But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: 4That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.” - Matthew 6
….
Fuck.... what a mind fuck....
….
sooo... what the fuck... AM I some kind of manchurian candidate?!
For fucks sake....
For God's sake?
Shitttttt...
…...
….
No.....
See... I prayed... how, in this world when we can't trust anything do we begin to trust God....
Thats what it was...! my mom was telling me how she hates goodbyes... that she's missing me already... I was silent for a second until I told her that God is never too far... THEN she related to me that quote...
Shit.... See... what is written here.... I am not some person that has studied literature for a while and has been able to see these things unfold... I liteerally just sit down here and fart out a bunch of shit that I hope makes sense...
But I couldn't have ever planned this shit... something above... something greater...
Trust me....
….
This is your initiation... to truth...
THE truth...
So breathe deeply as I begin to try to stay on target, like hobbs or whoever was telling his buddy as he was zeroing in on the hatch that would allow missels to penetrate the Death Star...
The intitiation.... to LET GO, but not... To say “FUCK THE WORLD” in the false sense but embrace and nurture the world in the true sense... the TRUTH....
maybe thats what this is...?
...
So I tell him about how I just want to be the lillies in the field...
He reminds me, that maybe that is a little bit selfish... and I know he is right... to just leave for the woods... and kick the dust off my feet of the city....
I reassure him I know, but I just want some time to recharge... get back to nature... to get away from the life... the distractions... to come face to face with the enemy so that I can come back and be a better man...
Is that wrong?
After all...
"3And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” - Matthew 7
….
breathe....
I try to tell him about the ego... that a lot of the bible is just teaching us about these things, teaching us how to.... forsake the world...
I wanted to pay my credit card off before I did... to pay the bills off completely before I turn my back on the world... so that the world might not think that the reason I left was because I couldn't hack it.... about not paying the taxes and documenting what happens to somone that doesn't, the trials, what the govenrment will come to do.... but seeing the truth... I see that these are all reasons that I was telling myself....
no.
That the devil was telling me...
Reasons to delay me from actually imparting any change, from actually changing....
“Pay it so you can prove how strong your will is to continue to forsake the world. To prove not to thers... but to yourself... so that you always have that you have that option to come back, reintegrate without too many obstacles of debt...”
...
What other people think... what I think of myself.... what I think other people think I think...
NO!
I will just be...
Maybe the revolution was exactly that... but really.... it doesn't matter if it was...
Well I am starting to get the chills again... even wrapped under this awesome blanket.... I think my time is wrapping up here... gotta get out in the Sun...
So when my friend was here, he told me about how Tolstoy made his wife read his journals before he married her... he told me about how he himself, looking back on his own journals when he was on tour, it helps to get perspective.... I took it for what it was...
Earlier, when he first arrived, he showed me this great song with these guys with great singers.... he told me about how sometimes he feels cheated when these guys perform this great music... but then kind of pollute it when they talk about God, or Jesus in between songs or whatever... He explains how sometimes he feels like they are just selling out to the church “industry”... and who am I to tell him that he is wrong...
I tell him about how I watched an Elevation Worship music video the other day, and just started crying when I saw all of these people.... singing... lifting their hands up...
I explained how I cried out of joy and sadness, for exactly what he is saying... and happiness for exactly what they are saying...
How can we discern truth...
Love.
….
I tell him about John; when, in the book, Jesus is talking to the “Sons of Abraham” to the Pharisees, how they are all challenging him on who he is...
sorry... my lease manger – or whichever title – Hayward, stopped by dropping off the new keys for the locks that will be used now so realtors who will be showing my apartment can do exactly that...
Essentially, he explains to them that its not some ritual you undergo to know him... its not some title bestowed on you by other men that enable you to see God... not some name that you have inherited.... to give you the key ;D...
sheese.....
They explain that they would know him, that his message if they were also of God.... but they aren't... so they can't.... they get lost, distracted by all of the noise....
Before my friend left he encouraged me to keep writing..
“yeah... but I don't want to just put out a bunch of noise...”
I worry that writing on this will just turn into some kind of ritual... “that its new day... so I should start writing!”
I dont want to “punch in” my time card...
….
“But hwo many times have I come here, wihout anyhting to say, yet managed to convey something of value... right?”
Fuck...
Thank you God... for making me humble... for keeping me on the way you have carved out for us... please... thy will be done... make me your will!!!
“Well he is just like the veign hypocrites in the streets, trumpeting in the synagogues when he gives his alms... look at him on here... on this blog....”
Get away from me satan!
...
......
..............
"But the ritual..."