The shit cake
Yours. Truly. | Monday, January 16, 2017 -- 1:58 PM EST
messing you up... right the ship or it will be righted for you
God I'm horny.... I'm gonna beat it out of me... metaphorically speaking you perv.... and not that metaphor. I have to write these little blurbs to keep you sickos reading, eagerly awaiting the next pearl of wisdom while I surreptitiously program your minds. Bibbidy bobiddy boo....
Or maybe its just me who is the sicko. I wouldn't doubt it. Either way, sometimes I wonder if Tyler Durden is secretly running my fucking life; if that guy really didn't kick me in the face and I just fight clubed (club ed not cluebed or cloobed) my shit. Or if Tyler Durden is running all of these sickos and decided to fuck me up. Or maybe I just fell... maybe I just fainted from exhaustion... maybe it's all of the above... maybe...
...
I smoked weed for the first time since I did on my last entry the other day... well I should say for the first time with any earnest... a week or so before I started to smoke a joint with my brother while my parent were away but decided not to after sparking it up and taking the most minuscule of puffs...
Dream on.....
I was working today thinking about the dream... about the meeting I had the night before.... and I was thinking about the …. my thoughts... they seem to just go in and out now... more illusive
Alright, I am gonna try to round off what I started last night in a desperate effort to plant mnemonic cues that would help me where I am now. Sitting here trying to manifest my thoughts and feelings on this black and white....
“I need some rest for sure...
but back to it...” I wrote that last night... along with some of what follows
I just remember smoking that bubbler with my brother and kind of regretting it as I was doing it... I mean... as I did it... brought to me a different level of awareness that I haven't considered in a while...... it lit a fire under my ass which has led me to this burst in productivity....
I got online and was talking to someone I normally play with but as I sat there and heard the voices through the headphones it sounded weird... they sounded like programs.. I don't know how to explain it... they just sounded fake... like programs of my subconsciousness.. it was like they were listening to my thoughts and speaking to me about something... I don't really know exactly what it was.... It was this feeling like they weren't me but they were and as they talked to me it felt like they were talking to someone else...
I just remember playing the game at the beginning.... when was getting really high... after getting hard on myself about how much time I had played the game.... I just remember worrying about how crazy it was that I was doing as good as I was... I mean I felt like my entire body was going crazy with senses and what not... it was crazy... I had played the game so much that even fucked up my body was just operating and doing what it needed to do..... and playing damn well.... After reaffirming that I played this game too much because of this fact I then began to get this sense that my body was just playing the game and I was just sitting there watch it do it... it was fucking weird.... this feeling... like my body wasn't even mine...
I don't know....
The guy who I was playing with was stoned too... but I don't know … it was fucking weird.... He smokes all the time and constantly and then I smoked and was a fucking lunatic fucking freaking him out and killing his high... I was obsessing over the fact that I couldn't talk through the “in game communications” and was only able to talk to him through the voice communication app I use on my computer. I was frustrated that I wasn't able to make strategic calls to my teammates and I was relying on him to make the calls for me... Thee other thing that probably frustrated him was the fact that I couldn't hear the in game comms either so I couldn't tell if he was calling or not.... so I was constantly asking him “did you call that “ did you call that?!?!” …. lol... what a nerd.... what a psycho....
I don't know why the fuck I am going over this anyways...
The relevance....
oh yeah!
I remember getting on and playing this game that I have played for a while … since I was 13... through various iterations and at varying frequencies... but the most recent iteration I have 1100 hours logged on my account for that game alone... it made me consider my life... I had this tremendous feeling of “what the fuck am I doing with my life....”
who knows... I cant say for sure... about the usefulness of this time I have invested.... in games... but looking at my life... I was geeking out... I as sitting downstairs all fucking high.... worried my parents were listening to me talk to people on the internet and how high I sounded....
I remember I was alone for a while not talking to anyone after I scared my friend off, I was in a public game trying to fix my in game communication and testing.... hahah...
“classic obsessive compulsive”
Get off my back....
When I finally did test they did that normal thing people do in games to fuck with the person trying to see if they can hear them “no we cant hear you”
Then I said something like “guys I'm stoned” ….
What a fucking loser.... so much for being a good example... for others ….
I remember randomly blurting out as I watched myself play this simulation game online in this fucking crazy simulation called life “i want to go home” to which there was some responses... but I felt like I didn't even say it.... and I was wondering... what it meant....
This is what has stuck with me most of that night “i want to go home..”
Like a fucking child who has wandered off far from home, entranced by some clever trick that leads him deep down a rabbit hole....
…..
Sometimes I wonder if that's what life is.... some grand simulation we are entangled in as we try to make our way home... to heaven. To enlightenment... whatever... that tree of knowledge and what not that we ate of and brought us here... to this reality...
….
“I want to go home...” My inner most desire I think...
But I haven't quite freed myself yet. No, not yet. It takes much more than clever musings, words and promises I fear... though thought is what prefaces action so its a start I suppose. where is home anyways? Can't get to where I am going if I don't know where it is I am going. Home isn't here apparently... Here as in my state of mind... as in my state of life...
Maybe there is still some use for me here... no matter how small.... how subtle... how elaborate or huge... because I think when the simulation is over we all go home...
…..
I sat there for a little bit waiting to be sure my parents were asleep before I headed up stairs to go to sleep... I'm about to be 28 years old... what the hell am I doing!?!?! Aren't I supposed to be better than this by now... I live at home with my parents.... why? Supposedly so I can pay off my debt.... which just seems to get bigger as I invest in various trinkets and toys for the so called “service of others”.... so I can do my part by society, so I can feel like I did something, to somehow justify my existence.... so I can prove to other people I did something.... what a crock...... so I can justify my selfishness..... ?? maybe...
….
I had wanted to go to sleep and sleep it off much earlier but I did not want to risk any interaction and I had heard them up late doing whatever... maybe at one point arguing whether or not to go down and bust me or asses whether or not I was high.... they like watching others... they knew I smoked with my brother or that I was up to no good or whatever... I'm fairly certain... and its not like I cared.... but I just didn't want to interact...
Sometimes I catch myself when I am sober saying stuff that's like a knee jerk reaction and wonder if what I said was the great spirit hacking into me getting me to phrase something in such a way that would make it acceptable in the context of the conversation yet has some deeper more intrinsic meaning to the person I was interacting with, much the way much of life has a way of doing this to me. Almost like some song playing in the background on the tv in a movie that has some deeper symbolic meaning to what is transpiring in the story. Other times I consciously try to do this and impress myself with my own wisdom (there is a little bit of sarcasm in that last one if you didn't catch it)
“You probably think this song is about you don't you, don't you?!”
….
Anyways.... I went to work yesterday... and I work with this guy who is absolutely two faced... and moody as all hell.... he has typical diva syndrome.... and as much as I can't stand to listen to him when he starts bitching about whatever... or when he tweaks out over the littlest thing, I do enjoy analyzing him because I see much of what goes on in myself in his behavior.... He can be perfectly friendly one second and in the next second he is losing his shit.... but in a sense that's the job... you have to go up there and smile and be all “WELCOME TO THE RESTAURANT!! HOW ARE YOU TODAY!!??!!!” and if you don't then you aren't doing your job, it can be a tall order for anyone when are faced with the struggles life throws our way.
He may be bipolar and emotional or whatever, but I think he just cant catch it when things start going out of balance... his emotions wont let him see beyond himself in many situations... he cant see himself in other scenarios... He works hard a lot but that's because he has to hold himself to the same standards that he holds others to, which is highly unrealistic. But when he fails to meet his own highly unrealistic standards it goes by like it “aint no thang” as opposed to the absolute end of the world when others do it. He is always quick to judgment without ever bothering to consider that there may be circumstances that he may not be able to see or understand.
Anyways, I started yesterday morning with a text from him … “.... Coming in?”
he texted me this at 8:30 assuming that I was supposed to be there at 8. I responded “i'm scheduled for 9?”
After he went and checked he realized I was right and felt like an ass hole and apologized. I should have known that the day was going to be a rocky one. I could sense that throughout the day he was continuously going over about how much work he does and no one does anything around the restaurant and so on and so forth.... and then when it came time that his scheduled time to leave came he left which was fine... he had another job that he had to go to do... I stayed an hour and half past my scheduled time to leave to finish all the side work that needed doing, even with the help of someone else who came in an hour after the other guy left to help get everything set up. I had no other commitment – not that it should matter – so I stayed, I didn't want to pass it on to someone else to suck up...
I have no qualms about losing this job or any other job.... so it wasn't the unlikely possibility that they would fire me for not finishing all of the side work that gets done typically by the people that work that shift that that made me stay.... it was something similar to what drives the diva guy so much to work hard..... he holds all of these people up to ridiculous expectations that he has hold himself to the same standard... I thought about me just passing the shit bag along to the person who came later and thought well that's not right either. But how much shit can a person carry?
I think I did also because throughout the day I have been going over the serious question that has confronted me for a while now about my life and how I will proceed, which I feel is brought to focus time and again.
I mean just today I was thinking about the other week when I was listening to one of my classmates talk about one of his clients who is dealing with an injury or illness or something and he was giving him treatments.... but when he had to start charging him more because he was having financial struggles the guy started giving him lip about how evil that is to do and what not, and that he should have continued to lend himself and his services to him at little to no cost to himself... and he was remarking how he didn't seem to care when he was skipping meals and having toast for dinner...
Then, the night before last I was invited to a meeting with my kung fu teacher and his “apprentice” or head student who helps him with the duties of his school over the direction of the videos we have been producing. We were meeting with this guy my teacher had met who has a website where people can pay for premium content.. They wanted to get me involved with the process given my involvement in the video production, which I volunteered to help do. My teacher went on drilling something that he has been trying to drill into my head about how you need to make money to live in the world after mentioning that he will soon be able to hire me to do the videos and that I will be able to quit my other jobs and work for him.
In fact its not just him that is drilling this into my head its my mother too who continuously reminds me that I need to get a job where I can make some decent money, not have to worry about healthcare and what not. Telling me about how much money I could be making. My monthly credit card statement reminds me... my student loan payment... my poor paying jobs... the tax man... so on and so forth... all reminding me I need to make money to pay other people or whatever... I need to put in some amount of work... equivalent exchange and what not..
In fact the entire world and how it operates is continuously drilling this into my head... during that meeting... after I brought up my concerns over the idea of making videos for the masses that can draw in viewers and what not and drum up a greater marketing base the guy we were meeting responded with mystical words about how the universe is an interplay of energies and what not.. and I was silent as I listened... my classmate joined in with “you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink” and I get it... I do...
and the argument could be made that the world as it has evolved today is due to this exact concept, the money... but it would be an ill conceived notion that was incomplete. If we look at life, the everything that came from nothing..... this is the principle of existence that is true... this is life... Its not about manipulating things around
but as I was working my shift I was going over in my head the difficulties of the struggle... to endure... how people will just continue to take, take, take without giving any thought to the one they take from, without giving any thought... not even a thanks...
I mean there is a difference between saying thanks out of social obligation and thanking someone out of appreciation for what has been done for you; paying it forward...
…..
I was thinking yesterday about all of the different things we say out of social obligation without giving any thought as to the origin of such phrases. For example, “bless you” after people sneeze... I was wondering if it really was said because when you sneeze you skip a heartbeat … just looked it up and the explanation is still pretty vague... but it has to do with wishing people good health and safety from supernatural forces that seek to wreak havoc on ones health and one's soul, both of which are said to be more vulnerable following a sneeze which is also said to rid someone of such troublesome.
….
I waited on this group of 3 mothers with their kids who came by and they were just completely ruled by their kids...
While they were waiting for their food to come up the mother comes up out of her table up to me and asks me if we had “some oyster crackers or something we could giver the kids while they wait for their food because if I have to listen to them go on about how hungry they are any much longer...” I stopped her and said yes we do, in amazement as to how self absorbed some people are. It had only been 5 minutes since they ordered and they were already getting restless. Then a minute after I deliver the crackers the food comes out and all is well and good. No... you ain't getting off that easy today...
She hollers across the restaurant floor waving until I look over to which she then fingers me over practically yelling at me that her son wont eat the chicken nuggets because they are too crispy...
HAHAH... they weren't burnt at all and they were normaly cooked, the kid just saw his friends eating hot dogs and decided now that he wanted one. His mother, all to keen to go along with the ruse then proceed to call me over and yelling at me.... at this point my coworker is giving me all the tables that come in because he wants to leave right at his scheduled time.. another table is hounding me because their toast was buttered when they asked that it not be buttered, and indicting me for the crime....
holy shit..... are we going completely insane?
Anyways... the list of things like this went on and on that day... and I'm sitting there getting headaches , maybe because I wasn't breathing fully or I was dehydrated because I was busting my ass so much that I couldn't take a minute to go get some water,
One guy, I went and got an order form was by himself and fingering around on his phone with his head down and didn't even do so much as lift his eyes when he gave me his drink order after I greeted him.
I mean these are grown adults....
Anyways...
So I am sitting there after the shift... all and all it was a couple of tables and my coworkers incessant ranting about how terrible people are that I had to put up with... I wasn't letting it get to me really too bad... but I was still getting headaches.... the first time since the accident that I started to get them.... I considered how much I was working, I considered maybe something has surfaced that the hospital didn't catch on the cat scan.... so on and so forth.... but eventually things died down and I just went about completing my side work for a while just going over in amazement how trying society is...
I was just going over about what everyone has been overtly or subliminally trying to tell me over the past few months... about how “you have to make money” blah blah blah.... gotta make a business... etc etc.... the balance... people will take and take... and part of me has seen this first hand...... bums come up to me and ask me for money and when I give them 20 bucks they ask for more.... is that what this is.... take everything from me!!! till there is nothing left for me to give!!!NOTHING LEFT FOR ME TO HOLD ON TO!?!??!?!
No books, no work that needs to get done... no lovers... no friends.... no family....
….
nothing....
… … .. .
In the meeting, this guy we were meeting with started going on about the balance of energies and what not and that the necessary means for the end kind of jargon …. hahaha... just thought about the quote from the big lebowski about the little lebowski urban achievers. Oh my.... i'm glad I can still laugh at the absurdity....
Brandt on the Little Lebowski Urban Acheivers: "They're not literally his children. They're the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers - inner city children of promise but without the necessary means for a - necessary means for a higher education. So Mr Lebowski is committed to sending all of them to college."
You see... you gotta be all in... you cant fucking half ass this... you cant bull shit the truth... right?
It doesn't matter how clever or skilled a “magician” you might be.
My teacher went on to clarify to me that this was America and that we got to make money.... I went in after the meeting to talk to my parents … I started to explain to them my frustration, about he is a funny guys my teacher... where he comes from in china and now he comes to America, and he has that stereotypical idea about what America is about in regards to greed and making money and everything.... Eventually I went to bed after we wrapped it up..... we formulated some good ideas about how we are going to go about things...
… but yesterday... as I went about my shift I thought about holding on to what I believe... holding on to that dream... that promise... the thing that I know is true... that everything isn't broken down into a cost analysis fucking asset assessment and financial jargon... that everything isn't a fucking transaction, a brokered deal .... that the world can be... is more than people just governed by the “what do I get?” and that it is more about what can I give, what can I do..
In fact I know that all great things evolve from selflessness.
I was thinking about all of the people in the past who have given everything, I thought about everything that has just been given without any question of what might be offered in return... the love that made that happen...
I mean thinking about that now its just very humbling...
I prayed for the people who struggle with this.... how can they keep the faith... will they continue to believe
So what? Should I just work my ass off without getting paid? Am I giving everything when I labor hard so someone can kick back in his Rolls Royce, light a cigar with a Benjamin... Where are my efforts going toward?
When I give money to someone who comes up to me asking for some money to get something to eat... am I giving anything when as soon as I turn around he's off to the nearest drug dealer and burning up my so called contributions in a pipe. Am I just paying him to leave me alone, to leave my conscious alone.....
fuck...
should I just do nothing!?
...
“Rome wasn't built in a day... you just have to play ball and we will get there brick by brick... Jesus is coming to save us, just got keep going along with everything until then...”
Lord save us.....
I don't want to be at work running around like a chicken with my head cut off because some crazy, sadistic mom wants to get her son a hot dog immediately, and she loses her shit because someone doesn't appear right when the thought that she wants something surfaces in her head... when my boss starts losing his shit because...
I don't want to be a slave to the fucking down right bat shit crazy, absurd world that is society, and I dont want any fucking handouts either.... I just want to not have to spend a few hours a week mowing and cleaning up the yard so I don't get fined when I spend all of my time trying to make enough money to compensate for all of the taxes sucking off me to the point where I cant make ends meat with a 40 hour work weak. Later wondering why my health is going to shit and paying some hospital bills. I want to be able to grow my own food.. I want to fucking live
The calm in the storm, my rock, my truth... I know and pray that I never lose sight of this... I vow now to practice this prayer so that I don't... so that like my martial arts movements my, my reaction to these challenges are knee jerk and natural... I think this is the ultimate work...
Anyways, I was outside at work just taking in the nice weather that we are having, breathing in the air, letting me feel the world outside my head. Then the Latin dishwasher came out and started shooting the shit with me.. He is a nice guy … we are always joking around... he likes that we teach each other different things about our languages....
“having sun” he said when he saw me outside.
I corrected him telling him that it is “getting some sun”
I repeated the pronunciation a couple times thinking how interesting the phrase is and how crazy languages are and what not...
get – 1. come to have or hold (something); receive. Or 2. succeed in attaining, achieving, or experiencing; obtain
some - 1. an unspecified amount or number of. Or 2. used to refer to someone or something that is unknown or unspecified.
Sun – 1. the star around which the earth orbits. Or 2. the light or warmth received from the earth's sun.
I mean wow... I don't think I need to go into those definitions to draw any parallels... I guess I will..
if you use the definitions and say the phrase using some of the words in the definition you get stuff like “receiving part of the light or warmth of the earth's sun.” or “successfully holding some of the light” or “attained an aspect of the star around which the world revolves”
but here I am having this discussion with this guy... I am teaching him English but he is teaching me something too... and when he remarked that the word for sun is said the same as child – “son” – It reminded me of the conversation we had the week before when he was going over the various body part/organ names when I was outside enjoying what I think was one of the first really nice winter days we had so far this year. And there was this “righteous” wind blowing around on a beautiful sunny mild-winter's day in Massachusetts. It felt great that I had stepped out side and not do anything but enjoy everything around me... the sounds of the birds the wind blowing, the smell of the fresh air the feeling of the wind in my hair, the sun on my skin, on my face. I was outside enjoying it.
I thought back to those movies when there is a prisoner who has been trapped in prison for years and hadn't seen the sun in so long and when they get released they appear so grateful for what they were without for so long, for “simple” things that I would just take for granted but it was the simple things that they appeared to miss most. That day I think I finally understood what these men were portraying in the movies.
It was the day following this overnight thunderstorm that was pretty thunderous. I remember waking up to a thunder rolling in the distance which was followed by various explosive thunders throughout the sky. Some times I wake suddenly in a hazse wondering if the world was ending or if world war 3 had broke out and we are being bombed.
So after he went through reciting the different organs in Spanish and English and pointing to the corresponding area on his body I interjected at the end of his recital jokingly about the “soul” holding my palm to my chest. And then he pointed to the sun because the pronunciation of the English “soul” is the same as the Spanish term for sun “sol” and I noted the interesting correlation.
Later that day my coworker randomly showed me this video about the Fermi paradox which talked about how man is at the point where civilization can destroy itself.... and I thought about all of us in life.... how we all appear to have this feeling that catastrophe awaits us... yet we continue to live our lives the way we do because we feel that we cant change anything anyways, because we are afraid of giving up our attachments, our lives in which we have grown accustomed....
I was entranced by the topic he brought up and went off with a diatribe about yeah, if you think about it... society is pretty fragile and interconnected, and things kind of domino effect, for example a war breaks out and trade is at a halt, all of a sudden people are starving, people are rioting, people start turning on each other...
Look at the state of education of the public, look at the “higher education” and the people who come out not being able to think for themselves. The whole society seems designed liberate the minds of a few rather than the majority, and yes we could say that no one has anything to blame but on themselves but I think that's taking the easy way out, ignoring the broader reality that there is also a degree of responsibility of making sure that the way is accessible.
It all comes down to one thing.. society can't right itself because it is too far away from the truth, because too many live to die rather than die to live... because we stray from the truth, the only way society can move forward. Because we fall victim to the temptations, the deceit that keeps us from realizing ourselves.
I feel like I'm back in my friends basement getting high and bitching about how fucked the world is and feeling powerless and like I cant do anything but bitch about it and struggle to come up with some elaborate solution that might work to fix an apparently equally elaborate problem. But again, I think that as much as I do or say things “for others” often, in retrospect, I think they are as much for “me” as well.
But more and more I see that the problem is about as simple as the solution... it is a problem of ignorance of right, of the concept of truth and its purveyance and transcendental nature. What I mean is like golden ratio or whatever, the microcosm and macrocosm, the quantum, entangled connection of things as vacuous and ethereal as thoughts and emotions, like how they connect and manifest physically in our bodies. “The as above so below” saying that sounds all mystical and what not.
Me. My challenges. what I face. “the evils of the day thereof which suffice,” never-mind those of tomorrow. Where do I fit in right now? What am I doing? What can I do? What challenges face me?
That's what society lacks, the introspection. The real education, the self, the truth. We don't encourage that in society... any subjects affiliated with what is commonly referred to as religion has become the blasphemy of the most surreptitious religion of all.
Where is the respect for those who have come before? How arrogant have we become thinking ourselves so much more advanced than our predecessors with our technology and our big monuments and buildings. Who tricked us into thinking that maybe we haven't been here before.... ohh lets see the very religion that plays like it is not a religion; that says religion is blasphemy.
But there is only truth.... nothing else... only light....
many don't think there is such a thing, that its all a matter of perception, and then they will go on about balance... and how there needs to be wrong if there is right and so on and so forth... good cant exist without bad. It reminds me of one of the Charmed episodes I would watch sometimes when I would skip school, when there was this cult called the “Avatars” who wanted to end the war between the feuding angels and demons and what not.... anyways it was all about this balance.... that without this there could be no life... there would be no love... because love needs hate... so on and so forth.... been eating at me as I was watching this tales of earth sea... and there were some good messages int here about life and death and about balance
But I say no.... it just feels wrong... it doesn't feel right...
I think back to those movies where the villain goes “the world needs people like me...”
….
This girl at work was talking about scary movies, and was asking people what their favorite scary movie was, one of them said “the exorcist,” and she agreed that shit was a freaky movie that she couldn't stand watching. I concurred that was a scary movie, and remarked that “it can be a frightening concept”: demons, death, life after death.
Then she said “oh yes, i believe, I believe...” then when she recognized what she said what it sounded like, she clarified “i believe in balance” and I am sitting there thinking.... “is this a fucking movie, are we all just in a our own fucking movie.... does anyone else see this movie?!?!” as I was just watching the Earthsea movie and was writing this entry about the notion of balance and that good needs evil and so on..
I remember going to movies and the person taking the tickets would rip the ticket and hand the stub back and say “enjoy the show” and my knee jerk reaction was “you too” despite how illogical it sounded. I remember, after reflecting back on what I said, thinking 'why the fuck did I just say that? Think before you speak next time! Maybe it is applicable to the show that is life.”
I was listening to the fox news my mom had on and caught wind of the little news package they put together of all of the leading Republican candidates “cruz trump and rubio” talking about reopening Guantanamo bay and filling it up with prisoners.... and there was a soundbite of one of them touting about how they weren't gonna give them and trial or whatever.... its just bnizzareee.... who are these people and what has become of this election.... sure they might tell you off the record that they are just saying anything to win and once they get elected whatever.... that typical means to an end but they already lost because they allow the lie to go on unaddressed. Where is the courage to lead?
and now I just scrolled down from the twitter page of the man who posted an image I saw that I found quite ironic as I sat down on my computer I randomly clicked on the twitter app window that windows 10 has on the start menu .. I forget what it was that I clicked and wanted to see... but I clicked and scrolled around and the picture shot out at me of Jesus washing his disciples feet... then I googled the guys twitter page and scrolled down to see the comments of what this guy posted and one of them had a very poignant message about the state of affairs of the election which has dominated the news... I don't know if its because Donald Trump is just tossing around billions of dollars or whatever and completely hijacked the debate if you could call it that and reduced it to a spectacle.
….
So we must be merciful and forgiving so as we try to live righteously we can forgive ourselves when we fall short, and we will fall.
I remember on the way back from going to the beach with my parents, I was expressing to them how I felt that the videos I was making with these people form my kung fu class, about how I felt that they are getting so caught up on the making money aspect, to build a Taoist temple to in turn help spread Taoist philosophy, that they forget about the good they could be doing with the videos; they get so caught up about making money through advertisements on youtube or limiting the videos to pay per view, that they limit the effect they have at all, they remove the purpose, the life. I think about myself, getting so caught up in the future, planning something that I render myself “immobile.” I want to put all of myself in and get all of myself out; I don't want to think about holding anything back because nothing can be held.
I haven't written anything in a while, yet I insist on telling people I am a writer whilst I wait tables when they ask what I am up to. Other times, people ask what I'm up to and the thing I tell them is how it is I am doing to make money, granted that is often what they care about. And the second I start to talk about anything else I might be doing that might carry any actual value I can see that their minds blank, and interest fade as they carry on eye contact out of social obligation. So I stop talking and allow them to carry on their charade of appearing to actually be interested in someone else and go through the motions of being and get back to themselves. Lord knows I probably do the same. I suppose to a certain extent, we all must get back to ourselves, but to what extent exactly? How much should I save? Balance.
….
“31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” - Matthew 6, King James Version
….
I often think about getting into a serious relationship with someone, I go through the dating app and say hi and yes to all these different women, yet practically none talk to me, others that do never end up developing, and the one or two that actually say they want to go on a date, never come to fruition. The three dates I have actually been on in over two years, we didn't seem to mesh.
I think similar things that others have thought about their love life: maybe I'm not destined to be in a relationship; maybe the only thing keeping me from a relationship is the fact that I think I am not destined to be in one. I think about how tough it would be to find someone who would actually work to try to live a life that is compatible with how I envision my life going in the future: a very humble lifestyle. Then it just seems that maybe noone out there would ever want to be with someone like me. Then I am comforted by the truth, the truth that they would only be with me for a time, and likely only physically because ultimately if I did just sacrifice everything that I think is right as far as my lifestyle just to be with someone, in a physical sense in marriage and flesh; would we ever really be together? I think then I would truly be alone. But I am comforted now by the fact that the life I choose now, these choices I make today, to seek to live a life in accordance with what is right, to seek the truth inside myself, I think its through this path that I am truly not alone. I cant imagine what it might be like to find someone who could be with me on another level, in another plain, a soul mate.
I learned that lesson early on, when I moved just as I was going into high school, leaving behind all of my close friends. At first it wasn't so bad, I had family there and that made the transition a little less lonely... a little... One of the good friends I had made up there moved away and I just thought to myself “what the fuck?” Almost all of the 'close friends' I had made growing up all didn't even attempt to stay in contact, granted I never liked using AOL instant messenger to communicate and never went online really. It just seemed dumb to me; it just seemed fake. When I did make attempts to connect them I remember feeling the notion that they had “oh I'm not living there now so why bother caring about him,” or “Oh now he wants to get on and chat” like I am just trying to make it about me or something.
Maybe they felt betrayed, that I had left them and not visited enough; that I had gone to live with my Mom and didn't stay to live there with my dad. maybe they just didn't care. I'm not gonna lie, I despised my dad pretty badly at the time so the prospect of having to spend time there with him while visiting friends was repugnant, and proven to be repugnant the few times that I did. More than anything, I resented him. “Why had he driven our family apart?”
One friend came up to visit once, and I remember being so happy when he did. We had grown up together really close friends. We had our spouts of bouts but I have many fun fond memories. There is one memory that frequently comes to mind that I just cant seem to forget. When he showed me this daddy longlegs and pulled off its leg I just remember getting this sick feeling. I remember playing out next to his house and there were a bunch of bees, bumble bees I believe, soaking up the polin of this apparently really dank flowering bush/tree. I don't know how it got started but I remember we both just got these wiffle ball bats and started swinging madly at these bees. We must have laid waste to dozens of bees, no exaggeration. Mini demon savages in the making.
After I remember feeling this tremendous guilt. We always use to have light saber fights. Maybe I thought of it as practice for the force. But what force did that? What nature did that? Was it nature or was it some story we were acting out that we had seen. Either way. That shit haunts me to this day. I couldn't have been more than five years old. It reminds me of all of the fucked up shit I did as a kid that really makes me wonder if I was possessed, and who's to say I'm not now.
I remember doing the old ding dong ditch with a flaming shit bag on the stoop; I remember lighting off fireworks in the streets, hurling pickles at cars as they drove by; peeing on my friend as he slept passed out drunk. Was it that we were taught by the CKY guys and their videos versimlar representation of what brought people joy? Was it because we were/are sick fucks?
I remember when iwas waiting on this table with two kids, as I was reaching around clearing up the plates from the table the kid looked up and back over his shoulder at me and in this weird voice says “get out of here boy.”
Maybe I should leave. Maybe that kid was right... nobody wants me to be here anyways; nobody around here has any fucking balls. …. ….
I guess just slowly time and life takes people apart and its easier to just keep familiarity minimal, the obligations of social societal norms makes it difficult to reach out.
But having this friend move away right when I was moving up there, it was another layer to the shit cake. I remember when he told me I tried not to cry, but I think it was obvious I was. Just all through life, my family and friends seemed to fizzle out and fade from view and just when things were getting tough for me, when I needed them. Other times they would outright do malicious things you wouldn't expect of friends, and I never really understood why. It was tough. The ones that were there really weren't. I turned to video games, drinking all the time, smoking weed all the time.
A relationship with a woman? A friendship that wasn't superficial. I often think about how nice that would be. Someone who I could know so deeply... But I remember I have that now.
God is with me. God, you know me. Keep me, please.... please, keep me.