The spirit on the water
Yours. Truly. | Saturday, April 18, 2015 -- 10:16 AM EDT
Greater is the one... who's in us... greater is the one who calls our name.....he will never fail.... stronger is the one... within us.... stronger is the one who fights for us.... he will never fail... you will never failll.... for your love.... endures... forever... all your love... endures... forever... open up our eyes... surround us with your light...your love... endures... foreverr.... Our god is fiiightinggg for us always.... our god is fiiiightinggg for us allll... our god is fighting for us always... we are not alone... we are not alone...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rx-fLy4wI5s
Well... I am here again.. I dont have much to say... but I am gonna see what happens...
Last night, at work, I was training a new person. But I felt like I was training myself. I never did end up getting a chance to say anything at premeal.... I had to take care of the tables that were there because I had already gone through preshift explaining this new menu they are rolling out. So be it... But I did make a point of saying something to managers. Once the pre shift broke and I wasn't quite so weeded.. I never did get a chance to express myself the way I wanted to... But I told them that with this patio going to open, “pressure from managers about following nonsenseical rules.... But I just had to tell them that I am not happy working here... I am sick of coming to work and just being miserable.. whether its from people putting to much load on my shoulders and not being team players and not doing their fair share or whether its from managers at the preshift hounding on us, the tone... I told them that I dont want to work at a place where I am miserable all the time, where I am stressed....
Why am I stressed? Well I gotta pay the bills, gotta get groceries, gotta pay the tax man.... or do I? Gotta make sure the customer doesn't complain and get me fired and lose the job that gets me my food, that pays the rent for my shelter. Gotta keep the mangers happy... gotta keep the guests happy... what about me?
I am always worried about making other people happy.... but if everyone is just worried about making other people happy at the expense of themselves we are just all going to be miserable at work... if everybody is just out to please themselves than the whole place will go to shit.. nobody will be able to do their jobs and get paid, we will get fired, we wont be able to live...
how do we know what make us happy or we are just doing what we are made to think makes us happy? How do we know we aren't just doing what we think makes others happy?
So I was trying to train this guy, I could tell he was thinking I was some arrogant server that thinks the entire world is this restaurant, that he is the shit... That I was a hypocrite... he had served tables before so he knew what it was like... that he knew everything... that I thought I knew everything...
Eventually he stopped trying to follow me around... he stopped listening.... the front server started giving him tickets and tasks.... He wanted to make sure things were getting done after all... I love him... He tries to make sure I am not stressed... I appreciate it... he knows the struggles of being a back server..
But before the trainee got thrown off course, people asking him to do shit... I take him through the motions... give him some advice.. maybe he heeded it.... maybe he heard but didn't really register it...
Maybe I said it... no... I said it and learned from what I said.... I was reminded...
“Just make sure that when you are going through the restaurant, keep you awareness up, don't try to minimize your trips. If you have a glass and you are walking past other peoples others sections, grab an empty glass, you see on your way, on your way back out, stop by the service bar... see if there are drinks that you can run on your way back out....” I explained to him how all of these little things add up to a less stressful environment the same way all the little things we dont do add up to a more stressfull, oppressive environment.
I also advise him not to get bogged down being a team player for the entire restaurant that you neglect your own section, that you neglect yourself. If you get a minute to take a breather, take it. Get your wits about you, but don't let that get excessive. Balance...
Help others that ask for your help, but don't be afraid to tell them no, that you can't, maybe try to get someone else to help them.
I thought about what happened to me the other night when I got completely stiffed, how I should try my best to be merciful, to trust in the truth in everything and leave it to the truth to judge. I want to be able to express myself to others without fear of being wrong, hypocritical or disliked. I want people to express themselves to me so I can more easily see outside of my own self.
I know they wanted to tip me, I know those corporate shmos want me to be taken care of, they don't wish me ill will.. really. I know people like to think that others are selfish, that I sometimes think that people are selfish, and maybe its true, bur I know they are just under a spell, that I am put under a spell by the music of life, society... the beats drumming getting everyone to dance... I know its hard not to join in and start dancing... I know its hard to hear those higher frequencies... to feel those higher frequencies...
“Gonna close my eyes... gonna watch you go... but its through this life darling... I can feel the snow... As the tracer glide... in its graceful arc... send a little prayer out to ya... cross the falling dark... tell the reaper man... and the stars above... that your the one I love... whoa yeah...”
I want to be able to tune into that, to not get sucked into the rush...
“Don't be hiding in sorrow... or clinging to the past.... no no no no.... with your beauty so prescious and the season so fast..... no matter how cold the horizon will be... or how far the first night when I held you near... we're gonna rise from these ashes with a burning flame.... take my hand we're gonna go... where... we... can.... shiiiiiine!!”
I remember when I was talking to the manager how fucked up it is that people can just decide not to pay me... that someone can decide that my tips subsidize a business from not having to pay me more... that we have to have something called a minimum wage....
He tried to tell me “you can't just change the system....”
I knew that by taking this job I was contributing to these cancerous business habits. TO the dehumanization of corporate america... I told myself I wouldn't get a job as a journalist out of school because I didn't want to subject myself to that system, I knew that agendas of institutions would prohibit me from pursuing what I wanted to pursue... I was frustrated because I was doing the same thing at this restaurant... I realized there wasn't any differnce... I realized that I was oppressing myself... that I am the one responsible for this.... first I wanted to blame the drunkards... then I realized it wasn't their fault... I served them.... I wanted to blame the restaurant.... I wanted to blame the minimum wage... I wanted to blame the law...I wanted to look to blame the system... The system.... But it is me... I have subjected myself to this system... I have allowed myself to be treated the way I do by working there....
I some how thought that maybe restaurants would be different...
“Holding you close through nights of winter rain... And I'm trying to spell what only the wind can explain..... its colder than ever..... coming down! Coming down... Coming dowowowowowowowon... coming down...”
I wanted to blame the restaurant for my stress at work... I wanted to blame my coworkers... I wanted to blame the system....
I think back to what I already knew... I thought what am I doing.. why haven't I left yet.... why....
Maybe just a little longer.......
,...
….
just got back... I had to go out.... I initialy got pulled away because I felt like god was calling me outside... it wasn't any particular nice day.... but when I started getting ready... taking a shower... I thought.... “well maybe ill go and deposit my cash and get some bills paid and rent ready.. when I get home I can go and grab my sign and go in the city some where and just stand there with my sign...”
I got to the bank about 5 minutes after it closed... I chose to walk... rather than drive... the walk was nice... I was bundled up becaeuse I was cold in my apartment... I decided to where my outlaw hat... I like that hat.
There was a woman right in the foyer that told me they just locked the doors and kindly tried to direct me to another location... “do you like walking?” she responded after I asked how far it was. I went outside and looked up the phone number, she asked me if I was going to map quest it. I told her I figured I would call and make sure they are open before I walk there, and wished her a good day as she walked on...
I called... it was closed... so I decided I'd just walk home... this time taking a different route. I walked through the neighborhoods and not along the main drags, it didnt matter to me that it may not have been the most direct route.
It was quite a pleasant walk. On my walk to the bank I passed this man walking his two dogs. We acknowledged each other, but that was about it. As I got closer to the bank I passed these two guys a little younger than myself talking about how wasted they were the night before, and at what point they blacked out. I ascended a hill and as I did I could tell that the sun was starting to peer through the cloudy overcast.
But on my walk home after reaching the bank, I passed the same guy and I said with a smile “why hello again.” And he said “I don't know where I'm going, im just letting these guys lead the way.” Because he was on just a nonsenseical route as I was, yet we met up again....
I replied, I'm in the same boat....
I walked through the back neighborhoods and all around I saw the signs of spring... the flowers were breaking through the trees blossoming... I walked directly past my building and went directly to the reservoir... It was where I initially felt I needed to go before I got the urge to “get shit done” and be “productive” by going to the bank and protesting...
As I crossed a main road, someone did a quick honk, it was someone who I used to work with at another place... I was crossing right in front of his car as he was stopped in a long line of cars at a light.... “thats a fine hat” he said. I took it off and offered it to him to take a gander.... “You dont have to give it to me” he said... “where are you headed?”
I told him I was going to sit by the water... and at that time the light turned green and he began to get hurried in conversation... and anxious because the line had begun to move but it wasnt quite his turn.. He felt anxious to close the conversation properly...
“Wow... that sounds nice... I wish I had time for that...”
I realize its about time for him to start moving so I tell him its good to see him and we part... I continue crossing the street... someone lets me go on the other side.. The over cast clouds are breaking up and the sun is shining... intermittently now....
I remember thinking that this time is for me.. and id love to explain what I thought about as I sat there, people doing their exercise as they ran about the reservoir... walking their dogs...
At one point as I sat there, just sitting... listening.... I heard the panting of a dog, and turned around and there was this friendly dog right behind me... I turned and said “welll hello there” gave him a pat on the head and he jumped up in excitement... his owner was ahead looking back... he was on his run and was letting him run along side him.. the dog evidently decieded to stop and say hi... after I gave him a pat and he expressed his joy he ran off to catch up with his master...
Some things are just for me.... I cant really go into them... but I sat there for a while... praying..... Mainly I prayed for god to make me humble.. I watched the water... how the light moved on the water... how the wind moved on the water... I felt it move....
You know that mind trick art? Where if you stare at it long enough it starts to make a three dimensional image... well as I sat staring out over the water... not focusing on one particular point.... I began to see something... don't really know what... it was like a pattern...
After a while I layed back, on my back and just looked straight up...
I thought about staying there for a while... waiting for the sun to set... but I felt like I needed to get back here and write.... as a bird flew over me, back toward my apartment.. I took that as my queue for what to do... and got up and started walking back...
and as I walked back I just found myself thinking about everything... about life here... how I want to spare everyone from the pain that I know is coming... the suffering that I see us make ourselves endure... I want to warn them...
I thought about all of these people in the cities... on my walk home from the bank I passed a school with these kids playing outside.. the adults sat on the side watching them play...
The runners that ran by me, all in their own world, the sporting event I heard off in the distance... everyone off in their own world... I thought about the institutionalized slander campaign against god by the establishment media, government, and academia.... about how pursuing trying to understand god is taboo, and how trivializing I thought about where we're at I thought about where we're at...
“There can be no government but the government of God...”
“And the government shall be upon his shoulders....”
I just heard that as all of these things came to mind on my walk back to my apartment.
When I got home I saw that the story about “isis camps in Mexico” was trending on yahoo..
“there is hope after all...”
When I saw what stories were at the top it was mostly about how homeland security says these claims were “unfounded.”
I thought about how criminal the negligence of our leaders, of our government, is.... about the economy, about being honest with the american people... about the threats we face as a society... how they have convinced themselves that they have taken this upon themselves to overcome the threats we face as a society... as if we the public couldn't handle the truth.. as if they somehow were superior.... I thought about the division... the tricks we play on ourselves...
Sure some people may feed this for their own purposes, but we subject ourselves to it... we give it power....
I thought about isis in america... I thought about myself in this world... walking around... we have completely neglected our duty to god... I was out at the bar last night with some people after work.... I relayed a story to these two guys when we got to talking about johnny cash... about an experience I had in my old town when I went to another bar.... on the juke box “ring of fire” came on... everybody was drunk.. singing the song and I just felt like an observer... I feel like an observer.... I walk around the city... all of these people going about their lives....
“I went down down down... and those flames got higher.....” They all sang with enthusiasm...
It stuck in my mind.... I can see it to this day....
Another thing that stuck in my mind, even from when I was a boy, extremely young... I was outside playing my friends house who lived across the street... we had found out that there were a bunch of bumble bees by this plant and we had a couple wiffle-ball bats... and we we swinging around... one by one we would hit each one, they would fall... they never stung us... but we were slaughtering them like flies... the ground was littered with bees dead bodies......
I don't know what it was that made me do that... I was young.... just a boy.... but I can tell you that I never felt so terrible after that....
...
“Retreat to the mountains!! Flee the cities” I hear a voice say.... I worry what it might mean... what it might cause... I don't know.... what... maybe its just some bullshit... whats telling me this....
I don't know what needs to be done.... but I just know we need to reconvene... we need to get back to god.... to nature... to respecting our place on earth.. in the universe... we need quell our greed... our lust.... we are destroying ourselves... I realized the prophecy... I saw it...
AS I sat there before the water, I prayed, I prayed that god bless this water, that he fills it with his spirit, that those who drink it will be filled with the spirit, will help us to carry us through this...
we need to be content... content with god....
How obscure all of this is... how random... I don't even know... in one respect it sounds so fucked up to me that I am saying it... but in another respect I know it is the truth....
At this point I have told a significant amount of people about this site.. they know who it is writing this shit... and they probably will dismiss anything I say.... How invested they are with their plans.. their schedules....
God, I thank you for your mercy.. I am grateful for your love...
I am sorry...
I think about that plain clothed officer the other day... I could feel how badly he wanted to tackle me to th ground and beat my face in...
….
God make us merciful to make it through these trials...
I cant even keep my shit together when someones food or drinks take a few minutes longer than they should....
…. We cannot do this without god.... I am telling you now....
I just know that we will not be allowed to proceed without submitting to the laws of god... there are laws of nature that simply wont allow us to continue until we reveal the false self... until we ork to reveal this masked villain working behind the scenes....
Ultimately we need to reorganize... this model of modern society... we need to foster independence... localization... empowerment.... we need to help people realize that land ownership, by governments, by people is something that will not be tenable...
Once we establish a firm foundation with god then will he reveal to us the knowledge we need to see us through... then and only then... because it is only by God that all things come...
Iw anted to delete that last bit but I will leave it... its just I know how dumb it may sound to some people....
I mean I feel like I am isis.. I saw a story that shows that in isis propaganda video has been released telling us that they are in our streets, in our cities and the video says they will burn america, and shows images of Newyork city and the white house being blown up...
I mean I didn't realize it till now but my banner kind of looks like an isis flag... wtf...
But the problem I speak about is much worse... economy crumbling and we being stuck in the city have no earth to turn to... the threat I am talking about is ourselves.... how might we behave in a time of turmoil reeked by economic and infrastructure collapse...
How will we get the food needed to feed the people in the cities... the government??? I don't like giving the government that authority.... I don't like that dependence... this is why our way of life has been wrong... our centralization and consolidation has left us vulnerable.. made us an easy target...
The wolves are at the door... Isis... domestic “revolutionaries” … I see some of the stuff people post on the comment boards on infowars.... I don’t know if its disinformation agents hired by the government, or fed entrapment programs or just genuine misguided people.. but there are, apparently, people out there that are looking for a fight... that would love a civil war... after all.. we have all encountered those people in our lives that just seem to want to pick a fight... This must never be allowed to happen... and remember that it takes two sides to make a war... we must never let these provocateurs drag us into a divisive conflict... we must be strong... we must have faith... we must endure....
Then you have the race baiting... whatever else... the borders... immigration.... why is it so hard to be an american?!?????!?!! Its as simple as this... if you want to be an american you come to america... scratch that.... if you want to be an american you submit yourself to god and declare your freedom and independence under god... as a human being... that makes you an american. If you want to work in america you should be able to come to america to work... why is it so fucking hard... the bureaucracy is fucking choking us to death...
But now we have this isis threat on our borders... we have to secure the border, we have an oppressed neighbor that is mexico, oppressed by the cartels, we have meddled with south american governments with color revolutions and contras and shady back door deals for black budget funds and it has taken a toll on other countries, and caused resentment.... Why? Because the end justifies the means? What end? The entire world despising the american government? So now we have a hostile environment being stirred up against “illegals” … wtf.... is it illegal to be a human being...!?!?!? “I welcome any one who welcomes me!” Says the lord!!!!
My poor mom is freaking out trying to get me to make an appointment at H and R block to get my taxes done... she knows.... she knows I dont want to pay taxes to this corrupt system... My mom has been an avid “pro-lifer” for as long as I can remember and I tell her I wont pay my taxes... that our tax money pays for abortions....
“just do it for your mother”...
I resent the government for the position they have put my mother in... that they have threatened her that if she doesn’t compromise everything she believes in as a christian woman than she could face jail time
….
The government has made her ashamed and question her faith...
The other week she tried to convince me to not resent the catholic church so much... I explained to her that the church's very existence is in direct opposition to the teachings of jesus.... she cites quotes from the bible about peter being “the rock on which I will build my church” or jesus going into the temple and turning over the tables of the money changers because they make a mockery of his “father's hosue.” But she doesn't know the scriptures.. she doesn't know the context....
She doesn't understand the concept that there is no law but the law of god... That peters example of faith is the rock... that the church claiming to be the rock of the church of christ has become a dead stone on which the living church will be built over. She doesn't understand that when jesus was criticizing the money changing being done at a space where people go and pray to God he was criticizing the way they made it seem like the place you worship god is a place where people trade and barter....
“1Thus saith the LORD, The heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool: where is the house that ye build unto me? and where is the place of my rest?” - Isaiah 66
“21Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.” - Luke 17
'34Jesus answered them, Is it not written in your law, I said, Ye are gods? 35If he called them gods, unto whom the word of God came, and the scripture cannot be broken; 36Say ye of him, whom the Father hath sanctified, and sent into the world, Thou blasphemest; because I said, I am the Son of God? 37If I do not the works of my Father, believe me not. 38But if I do, though ye believe not me, believe the works: that ye may know, and believe, that the Father is in me, and I in him. 39Therefore they sought again to take him: but he escaped out of their hand,' - John 10
“21Jesus saith unto her, Woman, believe me, the hour cometh, when ye shall neither in this mountain, nor yet at Jerusalem, worship the Father. 22Ye worship ye know not what: we know what we worship: for salvation is of the Jews. 23But the hour cometh, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him. 24God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth. 25The woman saith unto him, I know that Messias cometh, which is called Christ: when he is come, he will tell us all things. 26Jesus saith unto her, I that speak unto thee am he.” - John 4
“1Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.
2Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. 3But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: 4That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.
5And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. 6But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
7But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking. 8Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.” - Matthew 6
She doesn’t understand that the entire teachings of Jesus, and his consequent persecution, centered around the fact that there is no institution of men or laws of men that has the authority of God. The authority of god is truth..... “The way, the truth, and the life.” That you worship god in spirit and not in a church... that god is in you, and you don't need anyone or anything to get you in touch with god other than a humble, repentant, loving, merciful heart. They crucified him when he told them that “I AM” the son of God. Because he challenged their authority as the church.... she is a christian yet she is absorbed with dogma, law, doctrine... bogged down by vein repetitions, and ritual and not living in spirit
When I think about what Jesus told the jews who were trying to get jesus to say something against the Romans to get them to persecute him for them, when I think about his response..
“17Tell us therefore, What thinkest thou? Is it lawful to give tribute unto Caesar, or not? 18But Jesus perceived their wickedness, and said, Why tempt ye me, ye hypocrites? 19Shew me the tribute money. And they brought unto him a penny. 20And he saith unto them, Whose is this image and superscription? 21They say unto him, Caesar's. Then saith he unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's. 22When they had heard these words, they marveled, and left him, and went their way.” - Matthew 22
I just marvel like them. Wow...
You can keep your money...
I thought about that quote when I was thinking about ways I might be able to live among the people in society without paying taxes.... without using money... I realized that it wouldn't be possible... I will never be able to reconcile the two... I will not be able to serve two masters, both God and mammon, both myself and my true self. I have to let caesar keep what is caesars... let lucifer keep his illusion... And so I retreat to gods country... I am getting tired.... Gotta get up and do yoga tomorrow morning... work tomorrow night... but I will get to the thing I was writing.. I will...