This shit's my bread and butter
Yours. Truly. | Saturday, April 25, 2015 -- 10:40 AM EDT
My journey to take a bit out of the big apple...
https://youtu.be/wO55lAHIMco
ok..
Yesterday I remember thinking about things, then thinking I wanted to put them in this entry... but I can't seem to remember it all, but whatever...
One thing I did want to share though is this excerpt that I found when I decided to pull out my phone, and read some of the bible while I was sitting outside in the sun yesterday before work..
And just a heads up.. this entry will be very heavy with biblical analysis... mainly because I fear the worst, when it comes to christians persecuting other christians about doctrine and whatever else.. I fear that people get sucked into debating prophecy and whatever else rather than actual shit.. real shit...
So I just wanted to take the time here in this entry to break down truths of life that are reflected in the bible, because ultimately that is where the word of god is.... in life... that is where truth is. The bible is just the inspiration.. an inspiration... at least that's what I think anyways... and that's what I think Jesus teaches in the bible too...
With this quote I just wanted to round off what I was talking about in the previous entry, about trying to advise my friend how to discern truth... when sometimes the mind can distract us... and take us so far away from realizing the truth right in front of us...
“16And therefore did the Jews persecute Jesus, and sought to slay him, because he had done these things on the sabbath day. 17But Jesus answered them, My Father worketh hitherto, and I work. 18Therefore the Jews sought the more to kill him, because he not only had broken the sabbath, but said also that God was his Father, making himself equal with God.
19Then answered Jesus and said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise. 20For the Father loveth the Son, and sheweth him all things that himself doeth: and he will shew him greater works than these, that ye may marvel. 21For as the Father raiseth up the dead, and quickeneth them; even so the Son quickeneth whom he will. 22For the Father judgeth no man, but hath committed all judgment unto the Son: 23That all men should honour the Son, even as they honour the Father. He that honoureth not the Son honoureth not the Father which hath sent him.
24Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life.
25Verily, verily, I say unto you, The hour is coming, and now is, when the dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God: and they that hear shall live. 26For as the Father hath life in himself; so hath he given to the Son to have life in himself; 27And hath given him authority to execute judgment also, because he is the Son of man. 28Marvel not at this: for the hour is coming, in the which all that are in the graves shall hear his voice, 29And shall come forth; they that have done good, unto the resurrection of life; and they that have done evil, unto the resurrection of damnation.
30I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me.
31If I bear witness of myself, my witness is not true. 32There is another that beareth witness of me; and I know that the witness which he witnesseth of me is true.
33Ye sent unto John, and he bare witness unto the truth. 34But I receive not testimony from man: but these things I say, that ye might be saved. 35He was a burning and a shining light: and ye were willing for a season to rejoice in his light.
36But I have greater witness than that of John: for the works which the Father hath given me to finish, the same works that I do, bear witness of me, that the Father hath sent me.
37And the Father himself, which hath sent me, hath borne witness of me. Ye have neither heard his voice at any time, nor seen his shape. 38And ye have not his word abiding in you: for whom he hath sent, him ye believe not.
39Search the scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me. 40And ye will not come to me, that ye might have life. 41I receive not honour from men. 42But I know you, that ye have not the love of God in you. 43I am come in my Father's name, and ye receive me not: if another shall come in his own name, him ye will receive. 44How can ye believe, which receive honour one of another, and seek not the honour that cometh from God only? 45Do not think that I will accuse you to the Father: there is one that accuseth you, even Moses, in whom ye trust. 46For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. 47But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?”
- John 5
So this entry is going to follow a little more of a “scholarly” tone, more premeditated, mainly because it will be largely comprised of that email I wrote, but never sent....
So I will make this more structured... taking me back to my college days, writing essays and what not. I intend to first try to hash out stuff in my own life – my own parable, if you will – and then delve into, the email.
But first I wanted to break down this quote I started with... What I initially read when I randomly scrolled to this one pint, my mind was drawn to this area, maybe because it as closer to the break in the chapter, maybe because it was something to do with what god was telling me, who can say?
“39Search the scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me. 40And ye will not come to me, that ye might have life. 41I receive not honour from men. 42But I know you, that ye have not the love of God in you. 43I am come in my Father's name, and ye receive me not: if another shall come in his own name, him ye will receive. 44How can ye believe, which receive honour one of another, and seek not the honour that cometh from God only?”
Here, he criticizes them that they search the scriptures looking for the codes, codes pertaining to the secrets of eternal life... but they seek for selfish means, as a way to glorify themselves, their egos... they don't see that giving glory, honor, and love to god is the life. The message he brings is the message of god. They don't see that is the message he brings because the love of god is not in them, but rather the love of themselves. They see in him what they see in themselves, rather than the message that he actually brings. He tries to bring awareness to their folly, that their belief lies in each other, in the names they call themselves...
I saw a game of thrones episode two days ago... Arya Stark finally meets up with the guy who gave her the coin... where she can come if she ever needs help... At the house of white and black. “Who are you” she asks him, to which he replied “No one. And that is what a girl must become.” I thought to myself... how cryptic language is... how people need to pray to god to help them see the true code... to humble themselves to realize the truth... that the alpha is the omega... that the first is the last and the last is the first.... to reveal the truth... to become no one so that they can become one...
I don't know... maybe I am just spitting this garbage out to sound wise, to glorify myself...
I mean here jesus is talking about how the scriptures testify of him, but who is “me” how did he see himself as “me.” Did he view himself as Jesus of Nazareth? Or is that how we viewed him, is that how the pharisees viewed him? It's apparent to me how he viewed himself..... that he viewed himself as the son... that the father was in him and he in the father.... he viewed himself as one and no one... as alpha and omega...
….
He points out that they readily receive and give glory to each other, to their names, the glorify their differences rather than what is in everything... he tries to make them see, how they do so when they receive and accept people into their homes who come in their own name or in the name of another... how they care about what others think, the approval of others, rather than the approval of god... he tries to make them realize that they highlight their egos and not god – the one in everything – with these examples... but when one comes, in the most humble, instead you crucify him as the most blasphemous...
“Imagine the Word of God without religious groupies Imagine a savior born in a Mexican hooptie Persecuted single mother in a modern manger You'd crucify him again like a fucking stranger Tears of the anger are worth more than diamonds or rubies Imagine being locked up since juvie Imagine changing your life and still going out like Tookie Imagine niggas talking shit when they never knew me Imagine a movie that depicted the pain in your life Like them kids in Afghanistan chasing a kite For most of the world that's what it's like Imagine if the woman you suppose to love for the rest of your life Is set to marry someone else at the end of the night They say you fight the greatest jihad in your heart and your mind And fight the hardest when you start from behind So I dreamed the impossible all the time Fuck a Masonic designAmericas future is mine Repeat that to yourself cause if culture's a crime Them numbers tatted on your arm aren't too far behind They can only conquer you after they've murdered your mind So rise up motherfucker like the sign of the times I feel my body weakening but my spirit is fine Ready to go to war with devils at the drop of a dime And fight with my rebel army until the stars are aligned
Nostradamus was a white man's prophet Who predicated European supremacist logic Because the pilgrims and Conquistador columns Killed more innocent people than Hitler and Stalin I guess the fortune-tellers skipped an antichrist or two Brother, give this to the OG's doing life with you And pray for the problems with the Pope psychology So the Vatican will offer an apology For destroying the people's liberation theology Snatching the spirit of Jesus from people in poverty Business decisions like keeping people in prisons But had the opposite effect: incarcerating religion That type of crooked politics imposed on a populous Is obvious if you read the Northwoods documents Forget the compliments for what I recorded And live for revolution instead of always dying for it Remember a bullet can never stop me My legions are led by the spirit Haile Selassie, watch me Even if I'm shot in the chakra I will prosper Doppler effect bumping music out a helicopter Telling the Persians, "Dig up Zoroaster" And tell them I came back as the son of the Ahura Mazda Fish out the Philistine Dagon from the shores of Gaza And call Quetzalcoatl flying over La Raza This is my message to the older gods I'll sacrifice you all to the Revolution like the Romanovs Lost in the desert like the Hebrews of Israel The blood clot system tried to kill me like sickle-cell But I survived and I'm alive to fight another day Cocooned in a coma, I can still hear my mother pray Sister crying out to god, "Please let my brother stay!" Walking towards the light but something's pulling me the other way
Immortal Technique Rise up young brother It is not your time to die...”
Yikes... shit is getting heady... what a fucking tragedy....
Oh boy...
See... my practice... my religion...
The other day, someone asked me if I was religious... I told them no.. because the term 'religious' has a more popular connotation of following some institution, an institution of men, following some set of doctrine or law...
I follow law, but God's law, not laws of men... I follow an institution.. but not an institution of men... an institution of truth... I am religious in the sense that I constantly am working at humbling myself, to look out I the world and see what is real... not mindlessly reciting prayers.... not breaking down my life into a series of rituals... of patterns... of codes....
My practice? I practice focus on the love and mercy that god has shown me each time I get a little arrogant... a little egotistical... the mercy.... the love god has for me... that he would forgive me and my transgressions, that he would offer up his only son... the only one... for me... to show me the way of mercy... of love...so that I could see the truth...
I know I would not have gotten as far as I have today... if it wasn't for jesus... jesus who was crucified two thousand and some odd years ago... jesus who was beheaded by isis on the beaches of the Mediterranean...
“these are my last words... I m having difficulty breathing... dying on the inside, internally bleeding.... angel of death.... dragging me away while i'm sleeping... watching my world crumble in front of me, searching for meaning...”
Sometimes, when I find myself wallowing in self loathing... self pity... Feel like I am the lowest piece of shit out there... I stop... I realize... “Thy will be done...” Obviously god has seen us fit for mercy, god's plan..
“If god is so powerful... why does he starve... why does he murder... why...” The trials of the ego... if we could but see beyond death... beyond pain...
A promise...
For fucks sake..
I was working yesterday, there is this new girl there training, I ask her her name and she tells me... it was a little “exotic” so I probe, “where is [Redacted] from?” in third person. ;D
Sorry, I just learned what a wink was at the movie “True story”... now I am getting wink happy... i'll try and be a little more subtle, a little more wink like from now on....
She goes on to explain.. that she is from Albania, or Kosovo, that she is a refugee... I probe a little bit further, “like from a war? I hope you don't take offense to me asking, and I apologize if so.”
“No not at all... its actually refreshing. Usually I mention it and people just kind of get uneasy talking about it, people like living in their bubbles.”
I sense she is a little jaded, I feel bad for her...
I think of her pain, her rage, she just wanted to talk to someone to let it out, she had noone to talk to about her autistic son, that no one wants to help or whatever... She clearly is going through a tough time... but what a world... I thnk about how hard it is for her to go from a situation like that to America, working in restaurants, where people are raging when their drinks take seven minutes instead of four...
I envisioned Jesus carrying his cross, particularly in the Killing Jesus production I watched recently....
I see them whipping him out of desperation.... “Where is your God now?!?!?!” Laughing in their sadness....
I expect some divine retribution for these words I spell...
fuck....
I try to reassure her that people care, people want to help, that my heart goes out for her... But who am I...?
I am just a fucking server... what can I do....
I wish I just gave her a hug.... The one thing I could do for her, immediately, just be there... I didnt even do that... I was too wrapped up in my own world.... thinking about the UN abuses whatver... this woman is in front of me...
“Gotta get back to work.... gotta run some drinks... gotta water this table....”
Shit.... I am so sick of this shit....
….
….
Just...
...
I think I was watching a moses movie and they talked about what Israel means, wrestling with God...
I knew what they were talking about, I see now what they mean... but do I really??? Fuck.... I am a dick...
This girl told me about how these people will come in and “marry” Albanians and essentially sell them into slavery... and that it goes on under the supervision of UN troops.
I try and reassure her that people want to do something about these things, they want to care...
“They just don't have the capacity....”
God, have mercy...
I mean I look at our society now... our compliance in the destruction of our connection to the world, to other people... the news... entertainment... our jobs... ourselves.....
balance....
We are far too concerned with getting an advantage, paying bills, the taxes, the Policeman, the white man, the black man, the brown man, security....
ENOUGH!!!
Shit..
“You are the hole in my head You are the space in my bed You are the silence in between What I thought and what I said You are the nighttime fear You are the morning when it's clear When it's over, you're the start You're my head and you're my heart
No light, no light In your bright blue eyes I never knew daylight could be so violent A revelation in the light of day You can't choose what stays and what fades away And I'd do anything to make you stay No light, no light Tell me what you want me to say
To the crowd I was crying out and In your place there were a thousand other faces I was disappearing in plain sight Heaven help me, I need to make it right
You want a revelation You want to get 'right' But it's a conversation I just can't have tonight You want a revelation Some kind of resolution You want a revelation
No light, no light In your bright blue eyes I never knew daylight could be so violent A revelation in the light of day You can't choose what stays and what fades away And I'd do anything to make you stay No light, no light Tell me what you want me to say
Would you leave me If I told you what I'd done? And would you leave me If I told you what I'd become? 'Cause it's so easy To say it to a crowd But it's so hard, my love To say it to you out loud
No light, no light In your bright blue eyes I never knew daylight could be so violent A revelation in the light of day You can't choose what stays and what fades away And I'd do anything to make you stay No light, no light Tell me what you want me to say
You want a revelation You want to get 'right' But it's a conversation I just can't have tonight You want a revelation Some kind of resolution You want a revelation
You want a revelation You want to get 'right' But it's a conversation I just can't have tonight You want a revelation Some kind of resolution You want a revelation
Tell me what you want me to say.”
I know you think its easy for me to sit here, in the comfort of this apartment, and sit back and lament about the world.. I know this because I think it of myself...
Its easier to lament about problems than it is to come up with a solution...
I am sure the political situation in Kosovo can get complicated, but thats the point.
“I know he isn't about to tell me that I 'need Jesus'.”
O ye of little faith...
“you caaaaan..... youuuuu caaann!!!! Just keep following the heart-lines on your hand...”
….
well... I think that will do it for this portion... I guess what happened yesterday was just for me.... for now at least....
I want to tackle this email... this exposehhhh....
This will likely span a couple days... gotta go to yoga soon....
back.. and shit... again life just gets wierder and wierder... or realer and realer... depends how you look at it... so I thought I would get to the email... but I don't think its time for that... not yet...
alright... before I forget... just wanted to share... as I left yoga.. I was talking with another student and the teacher about sometimes I feel like i'm just “trippin on life.” Before that... as we were packing up our mats, I mentioned that when we were doing that lotus, stretching out the hips, I just had this sensation of laughter. He got all mystical on me..
“thats good, thats what was in there.” He went on to mention that my downward dog has improved dramatically and that I look more mentally healthy. “I don't know how somone sees that someone is more mentally healthy, but still, you look it.”
I thought about it, maybe I was. I had gotten to yoga class a little earlier... feeling like I was drained, like I didn't have anything left to say... for god... when I got in the car I finished the Elevation worship album I was listening to a couple of weeks before, at my parents. I borrowed the ipod I gave to my mom for the trip to NYC tomorrow. It still hadn't changed since we last used it...
She insists on having the conservative talk radio going all day..
She will go and turn it on and then leave for an hour, just leaving it running... mahybe she tries to do for Rush Limbaugh what I attempt to do for jesus with the music I play.... Leaving it running, hoping that I will listen and follow...
Anyways,so...
Fuck.. just checked the schedule... gotta work... man it coulda been bad... I forgot to put the new key on my keychain... and when I got back he was literally about to change the lock …. not only would I not have gotten back here to jot down some quick notes in case I forgot... but I would have been late for work... still am... but it would have been far worse...
But when I was driving back.. I was zoned out looking at all of these bumper stickers on the back of this truck ahead of me... I wasnt really reading anyto fthem.. I was thinking about other stuff... I was more looking at the shape that they formed on the tail gate. Then we started moving at the light, and I started and my focus directed me to reading them, “i only read two... and there was at least 50 or something, maybe less... but literally the entire back of the truck was covered.
The two that I read were “It starts within” and “honk if you don't exist” there was a ying yang too .. but thats all I remember... But when I saw that “honk if you dont exist” I just started laughing.... fuck,... gotta go....
Alright.. I'm back.. on the bus to providence right now... gotta change over there to another bus that goes to the big apple...
But damn... I am trippin on life indeed... just this morning so far... I mean my shift last night....
damn...
….
Alright... so before I went into yoga... I was sitting in my car... I was listening to the end of the elevation worship album “nothing is wasted” .. I started resuming with the song “open our eyes”. As I hit play, I began to pray that god keep my eyes open... that he keep my on the path... I was feeling like I might be done.... like there was nothing for me... I was thinking to myself “maybe tomorrow ill upload this entry and it will be the last one... 12 entries... 12 apostles... 13.... 13 could be the entry of my life.... maybe ill die in this city... in this babylon.... 'destroy this temple, and in three days, I will raise it up. Then said the Jews, forty six years was this temple in building, and wilt thou rear it up in three days? But he spake of the temple of his body.'”.......
….
what a dick....
“Allllll iiii ammmmmmm, for your kiiiingdoommmm, your NAAAAAAAAMMMEEE..... I will truuust... iiiiin youuu.....”
I was thinking today, when will I stop “crucifying him again, like a fucking stranger.”
Shiiiiiiit.......
so yesterday... I was laughing at this bumper sticker... at this trippy shit... I mean just a couple hours before hand I was writing about Arya Stark.... overcoming the ego... all that shit... than I was like “shit, I want to honk....” I dont want to exist... But he was speeding off... so a part of me thought it was futile... I was making my turn and he was going through the intersection... then I said fuck it... gave a quick little toot, to myself more than anyone.... the person waiting to cross the street in the median looked at me a little weird because he didn't know what I was honking at... but I fucking honked...
After I prayed for god to help me to open my eyes... I went through this yoga class.... and when I told my teacher about the urge I had to laugh, how I couldn't resist smiling, he told me thats good... he told me my downward dog has improved and that I look more mentally healthy....
Alright... all caught up...
On the way out into the studio's lobby, I began to think.. “well I think he may be right, I think I am more mentally healthy... I have accepted what I have to do...” Then I questioned myself.... about sitting back in my apratment and talking about overcoming pain... I questioned whether or not I would be able to walk the talk...
I tell him, “yeah I think so.. I think I still have some work to do.”
“Yeah, but your all scarred up, you got like an armor of scars....”
“Yeah, I hope so...”
On my way home I played the song “Let go” on that same album....
Then I saw the truck...
….
I parked my car... and debated whether or not to go get some food.... some boloco... I was thinking about my appetite... my body... which body should I listen too? My mouth was salivating at the thought of eating food... I felt hungry after the work out... “The flesh is weak, but the spirit willing...”
I forgo, I wanted to get back and talk about the bumper sticker....
I get up to my door and the guy is there changing the locks... I say hello... and realize that I dont have my key.. I tell him “thank god I came in here when I did... I forgot to put the key on my keychain...”
“You must have some good karma...”
I think to myself, 'yeah. Something like that.' While questioning the second inspection ticket I got when I walked out of my place to go to yoga, sitting on my car while it was just sitting there parked outside my apartment... the second one in about a week...
**sigh....**
….
So I rush off to work... and I am still riding this “observer high” I am still listening... I haven't got my blinders of life on yet... the blinders of work... duty... responsibility... I do the jobs.. but observe while I do them...
A manager asks us to bring the bread up from down stairs, that was left over from yesterday.. to put it in front of the newer bread... so I do that... It was directly in front of the newer bread, so intutiivly people will obviously grab the older bread before hand... but the chef had a bee in his bonnet... I was going to stack it up nice and neat... but he insisted that the older bread be taken..
gotta change over soon... gonna start packing up and get ready...
Back on the bus... settled in... perfect time for me to take my morning poop..
So I do that...
I went back out into the terminal lobby.. where everyone was waiting... it want till I was outside that I regretted waiting for the bus to arrive.... I should have stood out in the sun... it was brisk... but it was nice in the sun...
Back to hashing this out... I'm on a dead line...
So I come up after bringing the container that houses the bread down stairs back downstairs... and the temporary tower I made had apparently fallen over... I was surprised because I consider myyself a good jenga player.... stacking plates as a waiter to be carried and what not... balance... forces...
But I come up and the schef is standing there.... a couple of loaves are on the floor... he looks pissed off for some reason... so I tell him I was told to put the bread right there... that I was just putting it there for now and that I was coming back up to neaten up a little bit... but he told me to leave it... so I do....
He brings the manger over that told me to bring the bread up... “You see this?”
I just let them do their thing... clearly there was something between them going on... not just me...
A week or two ago the chef had requested that I call him cehf and not by his first name... In a kind of joking manner, calling me an asshole for calling him by his name... I respected his request with a very formal affirmation and have since continued to respect hisr equest...
A few days later he jokingly calls me a bitch for something or other.... to which m response was... “I prefer the term Server..” obviousy joking, but still saying something... I didnt mind that he called me a bitch... because I understood the feeling behind it...
But I still had to say it...
He got serious and the smile left his face and just said “heard...” as he looked down at his clipboard..
I felt bad... not for what I said... but for how he was feeling...
So now... or last night... I get to work and there is this bread thing going on... I don't really mind... The day before I had gotten to work, earlly, and I was in uniform but I told everybody that I was just going to unwind for aminute, that I wasn't punched in... so that they wouldn't get pissed off that I was just stanidng around... I just needed to unwind after sitting outside... and going through what I went through... sitting out in the sun... under a tree... before that shift.. on a small piece of land between the sidewalk and the road... the park at dean road I tried to go to sit but it was still closed.... barred by a temproary fence that had been erected while the park was being redone... it had been going on all last summer and it still wasn't open.
So I settled for the earth between the road and the sidewalk... the same back road I would sit by and read the bible in between shifts...
...
So right now there is an issue on the bus... there is “one too many passegners”... I sit here wondering... “should I be on this bus... this peter pan line... do I exist?”
The woman next to me comments “This is an interesting social experiment...”
I probe.. she is a sociologist...
Well.. I hope she recordds this as an altruistic event and not the person getting off the bus for the free ticket.... I was about to get off the bus.... I figured hey …. I could use some sun right now anyways...
Then some woman got up and got off the bus.... so that these two people could get the scheduled time...
People clapped... it was awesome...
Kennedy plaza changin...
This woman next to me is very friendly... a part of me thinks that she can't focus... I wonder if she is reading me type this... nahhh.... she is not that skilled of a fazer.....
But back to the story....
Wait... peter, the coach operatior for the peter pan bus line, is announcing now that we have wifi...
The paranoid “author” in me wonders why there is one extra person booked for this trip...
Peter is a great guy...
Anyways.. Try to stay focused here...
before that shift... when I went out and sat in the sun after that entry... I got there and I was standing outside on the patio... just unwinding... or maybe winding up...
A manger came out to see what was u... I felt like an asshole when I didnt let him come out and say what he was gonna say.. I immediately offered that I wasn't clocked in yet... that I just got there early to relax for aminute.... he gave me a nod... I like him... He was pissed off at me last night.. I think... I was joking around telling the host that I “wasn't above bribery for getting her to not seat my section...” I think she told him that hoping that maybe he would try... but I think he took it the wrong way...
I just wanted to get home and try to get ready for the trip... clean my aprartment... I manage to be very busy considering the lack of amount of “work” I do...
That bothers me...
But he kind of nodded and soaid somthting else... and I felt klike a dick... he could have just been coming otut to say “hi” right? Well I dont know... but I took that as my que and went inside to beign work... WI went up and told him that I clocked in... and they were talking about putting candles on the patio... it was windy... and anotehr manager told him that they had already tried but the wind was just blowing them all out. But I told him that I was clocked in and he told me to get the candles out anyways... so I set about my task... it didn't bother me... the folly.. doing it despite knowing that others already tried.. but failed..
Maybe I would try... and it would work... never know.. maybe once the candles got outside.. the wind wouldnt be as drastic... the change in atmosphere...
So I do it... and as I sat there lighting the cnadles... the girl who already tried to put them out comes up to me and says.. “i already tried to put those out ther you know.. but when I opened the door the wind just blew them out...
“Yeah, I figured... but [Redacted] asked me to. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do to please the master...”
So when I ultimately did get the candles lit and brought them out.. it was only 2 I believe that blew out... not a bad success rate.. I cant say what happened for the rest of the nihgt... well actually.. ultimately the patio was closed because it started to rain, and turn into quite an in-climate day...
But when I saw the chef working on the bread and I saw him reorganizing the bread.... he wanted the new bread in the container and brought down... maybe because he thought it looked ugly... but the customers couldnt see beyond the outer wall of bread... it really made no sense... at least not to me.. I dont really know why... but I went along with it... Thinking about what I said the day before... about “pleasing the master”... He wanted the old bread to be put on the bottom shelf... But I see now...do you?
Do you see the meaning behind this seemingly boring story...?
Last night... when I fell asleep... I put on jesus of nazareth... I am on the second disk now... but like I said before, I usually am out like al light and haven't been able to get through the entire thing quite yet... but I remember getting to the part when Peter ask his master not to go into Jerusalem if he knows he will be persecuted there..
“Get behind me satan” and proceeds to tell him that satan is speaking through him, that he thinks like a man thinks and not like God thinks...
He can't see beyond his own limitations of “Peter” he hasn't become noone....
I think now of this Swedish woman, she is sitting across the aisle from me... she remarked how “inefficent” a system this is... I told her.. sometimes you just gotta go with it... She looks at me like I am some kind of hippie... crazy person that knows nothing about efficiency...
She is from stockholm... and I think about the irony...
But I will focus here...
So it didnt occur to me until later, at preshift, the manger pulled me away form finishing the job the chef had assigned to me...
As we stood tehre at pre shift.. the staff collected together to discuss the happenings on the menu, food and beverage and service notes, we passed around a red wine to try..
I poor a small taste and pass it around... eventually the chef shows up, grabs a glass and the bottle and tries to poor some wine in his glass, but there were only a couple fdrops... he set it down, saying something along of the lines of “figures” or “that makes sense.” So a manger grabs his glass and poors some of the wine from his glass in his....
I watched this happen...
I saw...
I was smiling inside... And I realized I was smiling pretty obviously on the outside too... I reached my glass to my mouth to cover my smile... I dint want to be disrespectful to the Wine Steward who was talking about the wine.. I didnt want to offend or distract her...
I took a deep breath... smelling the wine... I breathed deep and heavy.... I tried to calm myself... It was a little too late for me to realize that the wine glass was magnifying my deep breath and everyone was looking at me like I was trying to make a joke about smelling the wine... oops... thats just how it goes I guess.... You try to avoid something but it manages to find a way anyways...
When I realize what happened, which I did realize as it all was happening... I just laughed... people didnt really laugh... some did out of obligation that they thought I was trying to be funny... or maybe because they laughed that I was laughing.... because they wanted to laugh too... I dont know...
But I definitly felt like people were thinking I was weird or getting a little crazy, especially when iwas just standing out on the patio in the sun, as people walked by...
“Why is he doing that...? He is going crazy.... he just wants people to look at him...”
….
**deeep breathe**
**stretch**
The past few shifts I hadn't been my “chipper self” so I am sure people assume that I am stressed for one reason or another... maybe I am... maybe I asm stressed... I mean I am running on about 5 and a half hours of sleep right now... but I feel pretty good... I feel livly... granted I haven't expedned lots of energy so far... riding the t in to south station... waiting.... wait... I will get to thtat I promise...
This manger who poured some wine out of his own glass for the chef... he told me about a weird dream he had a few days ago... I cant say why he felt the ened to share it... why he did... maybe it was for this...
But he told me about how he had this dream that he joined this secret fraternity thinking that it was something good, and he began to realize as he got further along in it that it wasn't as good as he thought... .. that he wanted to get out of it... and didn't know how...
“I went down down down... and those flames go higher... burn burn burn... the ring of fire..... the ring of fire...”
Life is fucking crazy...
Just a couple of days ago I asked him if he had any weird dreams latley... he asked “why, what makes you ask that?”
“You just told me about that one weird dream you had and it made me wonder..”
“Which one..?”
“The one about joining this secret club...”
“Ohhhhh righhttt... yeah.. I had one the other night.. that I am hunting these demons...”
“Well maybe your a demon hunter in your sleep... and you dont even know it...”
We are stukck in a little bit of a traffic jam right now.. and this swedish woman is shaking her head... exhaling quick hard breaths out the mouths, sometimes mumbling something... She leans up to her husband, says something...
I think to myself.... “hey maybe now I get more time to finish this entry up... get it up on the web before I get into the city...”
I think, if only she could see things like that... if she could trust in something beyond what she can comprehend... See the possibility of possibilities beyond the possibilities she has considered...
Maybe this is just a traffic jam... and I am some arrogant schmuck...
Maybe last night, when I was getting tired... and said that to the hostess... And then proceeded to get my entire 9 table section flat sat. for what was essentially the rest of the wait list.... I was more tired than anything...
Fuck...
Alright... So after I embarrassed myself at the pre shift... I went back to finish the job I was doing... and I walked by toward the bar carrying empty glasses and saw the chef there doing what he wanted to the bread... I just thought about why I didn't ask him how he wanted it done... I just did “what the master wanted” how I didn't try to make him see... maybe he was seeing himself?
I told him I would do it, as I walked by but he didn't really say anything... he just went and started doing what he originally asked...
He wouldn’t let me do it... so I brought down the new bread that he had set aside in the container... and let him do his thing... I thought about what prompted him to do it... I don't think it was because he was frustrated that it wasn't done...
I thought why maybe he did it... was it because he wanted to spare me from the suffering of his pride...? Was he doing it to spare his own pride?
Well...
“Greater is the one... within us...”
I think I resolved that day pretty well..
I will go back to this morning... iwoke up feeling guilty for getting those slices of pizza from the local pizza joint... eating those cliff bars before I went to bed....
I woke up before my alwarm went off oddly enough.... got up about 6:30 I think.. figured “fuck it” and got up and started packing... I prayed again
“God keep my eyes open... keep my humble... thy will be done..”
“Our god is fiiiighting for us allways... our god is fightin for us alll.... we are not alone... we are not alone....”
I packed a few things... I fel like even now, I brought to much... but I stood outside waitng for the t... when it finally arrives the guy bring the train out opens the doors.... “Free rides all day today..” He walks by me and tells me again... free rides today...
“Awsome... thats what I like to hear... have a good day...”
I get on there.. sit down and realize this train will prolly get crowded in here after the first stops.... so stand up... iw as sitting awkwardly on the seat with my backpack on.. my legs protruding out.... I stand up and free up the seat... sure enough it gets busy.... I find myself looking around... listening... I see a sign... an ad on the train “relax and ride” were the prominent message...
shit...
I am sitting next to this beautiful nice friendly woman and writing this because I am worried I might get killed in nyc... that I wanted to get this last entry out before I do...
“Relax and ride...”
She just woke up and pulled out her lunch and I am sitting here punching away on my keyboard with my headphines on listening to music....
“You have overcome the world... took the keys from death and hell... joined in heaven we declare... your greaaaaaaaater....”
Father forgive me.....
Well... I will just finish up this ride... I wont get to the emial today... iw ill finsih up the commute and put this down and keep chatitng with this girl... she is friendly.... I dont want to neglect my own section trying to do too much for the world.... I have to “Let go...”
I dated a girl over this past fall.. she was a buddhist.. and it was a pretty intense relationship.. that eneded with that same intensity...
But I remember telling her when she asked me the stereotypical “what are you thinking about”... but I gave her the truth... “I was thinking about how hard it must be for a buddhist to let go..” shit...
“God you are greater.....”
Well.... When it got full on the train there was this guy who was awkwardly standing in the middle, without anything to grab onto... I offered to him that if he need ed to grab onto anything at any point that she shouldnt hesitate to grab on to me... Then I found myself thinking about the symbolism of what I jad just said...
I just want to turn off sometimes...
Shit... I ask.. but when I receive I dont want it anymore... shit... thanks for your patience....
Well... When I finally surfaced to the street from below... I looked around for the Station for the buses... when I saw it I continued and paused for a minute.. soaked up thte sun... I saw all of these people running around... doing their daily shit... When I was down in the subway figuring out which path to take to get to the correct line headed in the correct direction... some guy rushed by me..
“Get the fuck outta the way..” I felt like he was saying to me.... maybe not... I don't know....
but I made my way inside the station after my brief respite from the claustrophobia...
I find myself thinking about the opening scen of unbreakable... I tried to watch it.. it hought id give it aa shot... ir embered hating it when I was younger... I still cant get through it... But that scene when he is on the train talking to the woman.. he takes off his weding ring...
I think about me right here right now.. talking to this oretty girl... wanting to spare her an awkward remainging ride ….
Fuck... I know I cant....
Shit...
But what I can do is just enjoy her for the time she is here... yeah.. thats it...
Alreight …. powering through... I got to the station and walked in... I tried to find the subway signs to the bus terminal but failed.. iwent to the street and entered in the front of south station and looked around bewildered... I asked the security officer at the desk where I should go for the bus terminal... he pointed me in the right direction... but it didnt really regsiter how he explained it to me.. I thought about asking him some questions to clarify... but I got some vibes that he just wanted me to get the fuck out of his face...
So I just proceed in the direction I walk past tarack one and make it out on the street and dont see the terminal... so I go back in... and I decide to ask somone working the cocnession stand... this nice yojung girl sitting there... shes smiling as I walk up.. smiling and meaning it... “could yoi point me in the direction of the bus terminal?”
“Yeah.. just walk out this door and walk along track 1 and its right there in the next building... essentially the same thing what the guy said... but it just didnt register...
I thank her... sincerely...
I find the ramp going down into the terminal building... I enter in and walk by the elvator... and as I do I here a voice shout “can uyou hold that door for me?” the elevator hasn't quite made its way down quite yet...
shit... I just realized... I dont want to hash this out at the moment...
This is gonna take some time... I do just want to talk to this beautiful, intelligent girl sitting an inch away from me... I dont know.... fuckkkkkkkkkkkk
Alright....
I managed to fuck that one up.. I think... I am back... I can take a hint...
I got to talking about her profession... I foolishly said that “I have such a big ego..i hope you arent offended by this... I just downt see how I could possibly do the job of psychoanalysis...”
“Ohh not at alll...”
ha.. I ama dick.. I was just being honest though... Fuck... anyways.. she kept talking.. but I eventually gave her the escape she wanted when I said dont feel obligated to talk to me, by all means read that book...
“I hear good things...”
She had just finished a book and pulled lut a new one... the old man and the sea...
hahahahaha
Fuck... shits getting crazy...
Part of me wonders if she is reading that and really taking things in... how does she crank out these books and understand … does she??
Shit...
Alright... So here she is reading and me pulling my laptop back out...
Not breaking down what just happned any ore... I will stay focused here...
this voice.. that called to the people standing waiting for the elevator to hold the door for him as I walked by the elvator... I walk al little further and a man says to me... “were you in vietnam?”
I recognize the voice...
“No.. why do you ask?”
He pointed to my bag that housed my laptop and bible..and sweatshirt and charging accoutrements...
“My bag?” I asked puzzled.... To which he went on to tell me that it looked like the bag that thtey used in Vietnam... “I'm a veteran...”
He hobbled past me in a hurry to teach the elvator... I keep going... I eventually find my way to the right gate for my bus and sit down... this cute young girl comes and sits down a couple of seats over, and I was just kind of sitting there... going over the events of the commute so far...
Observing...
Then I see this guy hobbling over... he's wearing what appear to be thermal knit white “sweats” and matching shirt... he takes off his leather coat... his black ball cap embroidered with what appeared to be flames along the brim...
He asks me if I could write him instrctions to get music onto his computer... I could tell the man had gone through a lot...
His speech and brain functioning choppy... I proceed to explain to him how to do it after I garnered tat he barely knew what the itnerent was.. I explained he had to go to the “e”, double click, go to the top of the window and search for ditunes, which I later changed to double twist after I found out that he also wanted to put his cds on his phone...
“You know, queen led zeppeling.. all that 70s kind of stuff...”
He kept offering to pay me for giving him the instructions...
But it was when he related to me how he used to have music on his phone... but he kept on telling me how someone was fucking with it... I just figured that he probably just didnt know what he was doing when he just downlaoded... I thought maybe he just stole the phone or something and was just bull shitting... then he tells me how “they came in and put something ofver his mouth, and held him down...”
After I gave him a look of shock and surprise... he says... “just kidding..” and pproceeds telling me about his wife.... I notice he has a wedding band on... how he wants to go to germany.. because germany is beautiful...
He relates to me how “all of a sudden he was on a plain 50 thousand feet up in the air.... “then we jumped out.. blackness... jungle...”
“My buddy was tot he right of me, when he said, 'hey wait a sec.. to the right over ther.. then 'bam' right square in the head... I cried... I'm happy I cried...”
Pause from that for a sec...
I just got to thinking about how when I talked to this girl, I told her that I was curious about what she may have to say about her psycho analysis of me... I don't know if she actually believed what she said, or whtehr it was just a way to escape having to work... I thought after we stopped talking that I should have joked, “I see... I gotta pay for that...”
But she responded and said that she doesn't judge to prematurely... that she likes to get into peoples stories... before she does any “analysis”... Or maybe she just flat out didnt want tot alk to me...
Probably the latter...
Anyways... so this guy, I explain to him how to install it on his phone he acknowledges it...
At on point he leans over to the girl next to him, and compliments her on her matching sneakers and workout pants...
She is hesitant to say anything.. but says thanks and quickly leans over to the other way, trying to avoid any conversation... he turns his focus back to me..
At one point he asked me if I was in Vietnam... I explained to him that I wasn't that I wasn't born yet. Later in the conversation... as he was packing up and getting ready to “go get some steak somewhere..”, after asking if id be here because he could bring some back for me, he was saying that he was glad I didn't go... that I wasn't born...
Just paused for a monet... collected my thoughts... I thought about how when I was at my parents a couple days ago... my mom had the 5 on as we ate dinner... Dana Perino, or whichever last name, was going on about her new book, advice that she had in it... Everyone ws going through the different pieces of advice they had... I thought about one of the things one of the other hosts liked the mos, about how she mete her husband on a plane, some stranger... and they connected and just kind of went with it... And I thought to myself as I collected my thoughts about that... how she was happy with her decision, that you dont have to give up on your career for love... id dint know if it was satan reaching out to kick me in the ass, destract me from my duty, my work, or god reaching out to smack me over the head...
But I think I will give this girl my number when this bus trip is over and if she decided to call me to hang out tomorrow night than so be it...
I thought about that ad on the top of yahoo mail, foor a dating site... do what you were meant to do...
Wtf...
but back to the story.....
This guy gets up... I help him gather his things... reassemble the string he wraps around his arm that is attached to his wooden cain...
He says that he hopes that he sees me again... I said that I hope so too... When I said that I was thinking to myself about meetintg eachother in heaven... then I think now, maybe it was the devil hoping that we meet again..
When he had left I deceided that it was closee enough to the departure time that I would get up and wait in line... the girl apparently felt the same. AS she was leaving she offered, “that was very nice of you...”
I didn't really know what to say... I laughed... and smiled and kind of just meandered away.... I still dont know what to say to that...
I wondered if I did it because I thought I was being nice....
I got to work yesterday hoping to see Ludra, but she wasnt there... I was hoping that I would see her and give her that hug that I never did... That I regretted never giving...
Well... I think thats about all I want to hash out at the moment... I Think I am going to include the email... in this entry and upload it before I get to the City...
Try and break down some of the quotes I include from the bible... I wanted to do that... but I think I want to get this done right now...
I apologize if I dont break down enough... hopefully everything preceding has given enough context...
…. Who am I talking to?? Who am I apologizing too?? I dont know that anyone is going to ever read this....
I think going through these quotes... going over this email.. is for myself more than anything...
What follows is the email interspersed with a few edits I might do... but also an analysis of biblical quotes... more like cliff notes...
Actually, know what... I am done … I am going to include the email now.. and then the email after I go through it …
In the next entry...
Here it is....
noo....
not yet...