This some holy shit
Yours. Truly. | Sunday, April 12, 2015 -- 2:30 PM EDT
Stoned... I decide to chronicle the days leading up to my grand escape
Holy shit...
This is my life....
I alsmost just watched a very sad turn of events just unfold in mylife..
It's my 27th birthday in 10 days and I've realized that my case had to be documented through blog and maybe best understood in that light...
These chapters will eventually amount to the entirity of my life...
I have seen this all unfolding and it is not something that will stand in this society... What I will subject myself to socially.. the opression... at the hands of the state... of mind? I will do my best to remain anonymous at first, but the government will eventually notice... This will maybe help to avoid the first opressive state of mind that the eprson that comes across the intel that ideas.... no realizations... are being discussed in any sort of circle.... you can bet your ass that they will be the first people to try to destroy me... because the ideas that I will come to represent will mean the death of everything our government has come to stand for in society... first they will attack my character... oh he is just a stoner... I used to smoke a shit load in high school... I threw away tons of time.... wasting....
The amount of time I fucking spend playing video games in my life story..... holy shit its fucking sad....
what the fuck have I done.... with THOUSANDS OF HOURS OF MY LIFE!?!?!? THEY WERE FUN??? WHAT THE FUCK? Who THE FUCK CARES IF THEY were.... fun.. DRINKING???!!!! WTF.... why has this become the thing to do?? EVERY fucking friday night roles around... we go out... we spend some fucking money... we watch a fun movie.... maybe a fucking scary movie.. and we get away... We.. look... away
Shit Holy shit....
The fucking realizations are fucking ridiculous riht now? I am narating my fucking life right now that just falshed before my eyes..... the level of complete brain washing going on in the bible....
They have used a figure head of truth.... jesus.. and associated him with an image... Jesus has spoken so many truths..... and he convinces us that we need to run for the hills... and he is right....
holy fucking shit....
I am a christian will, and its veracity to survive in an opressive system in the syche of aspiring to achieving great things in christendom... the realization is simple.... COMPLETE revamping our policies about our fucking defense department....
wtf is self defence to thes monkeys????!??!?!
Pause.... “Did he just use fucking chat abbreviations in his blog”? Yeah mother fucker! SO what? I wont be having any of that hating shit continue to read this... cus that shits cfoxin Centzlezz okaiiii??
“Oh look? Reading what this mother fucker has to say is fucking real... shit just dropped to a whole new mother fucking level in awsomeness of blogs...”
hopefully this gets me a good writing job to make my own money personnaly... some of you mother fuckers reading this shit would like to donate some money personally that I can make money on record and not pay the fucking income tax.... I am going to do my best to function in society..... as a christian will... from this day forth..... this is day mother fucking 1......
Its my fucking birth day..... in ten days.... and shit just got real for me... I just smoked some bomb weed...... and realized..... wtf did I just do???? I quit smoking weed.... for years.. 5 years to be approximate... and drinking for less... but I just started drinking again... then later I got the urges to smoke tis fucking bull shit drug that helped me to realize a wonderful thing....
God has come to me.... I haver heard the call.. I have seen what is to come for me and would like to inspire, not the United States of America, but America... the home of the brave... the land of the mother fucking free...
God damn this blog voice is liberating...
Hopefully I can carry this over beyond my high... to my real life and actually follow through with what I have seen must ultimately be realized.... I fucking masterbated... yesterday.... wttf...When this gets out to who I am... maybe my mom realizes that just happened its gonna be fucking weird...
holy shit... porn.... Curse my fucking testosteronea... curse the fucking images that the primary focus was getting in shape eniough to fuck the most beautiful woman I can... holy shit
why the fuck would that ever be all I should realize my future to be.. I wait fucking tables...
its my 27th birth day... in 10 fucking days...
I have to get some money together to put this first day on the books... get it out there.. before lord knows what hell fire is about to reign down my life despite my vow today... to be fucking SOBER... from this fucking day forth....
FUCK ALL THAT other shit.... I m swearing a lot...
yeah... because its fucking infuriating....
fucking pausing or going back and editing this by the way to make it more kosher for you to read thorugh.... yet hear I amm... getting so fucking enraged inside... yet I know that I need to love you....
Why are these thoughts even popping into my head... am I stoned.... yes
but wtf.. this shits real...
Ive just seen my life flash before my eyes and saved it from a christian will perspective....
The brain washing of the bible that got me to a state of mind to make my own self the persecutor and not the state... I saw myself fall
in the future....
But that is not the truth... IT's not the messages in the bible that have made me the opressor... its society...
I have realized I am about to shave my beard... cut my fucking hair.... because it might make the truth about what I have to say any less important... or to avoid the trap of people's egos talking about what my hair might look like when the ideas I am about to throw out there will be discredited by some shit I did before day 1....
I just smoked a joint...
I spend a lot of time with my mom..
I wish this fucking computer could keep up with the thoughts I have processed.
..”Damn that is an arrogant tthing to say.” you are absolutely right... Holy shit I think I am the bomb and that I will actually be able to keep true to this... because ultimately yes.... it is for the best that I never smoke weed again.. but not because society will automatically use that as a guilt by association of these idea....a
Pause... get some water.... breathe... focus... fuck that weed...
I bought an eigth and just smoked a joint to my face... and am riding out a fucking food and weed high that I never want to experience again... because I know now the opression that the hippy persona will associate these idea with will automatically descredit them... or maybe also I know the opression of your own ego's that will give at one point in reading this thing... what an arrogant mother fuckier... dont deny it because its true... who is this thing within you? Who is this thing making you realize automatically after you say it realize the folly in what it is you say...
Good god this weed is good... but I am about flush it down the toilet... just like my mom told me to do..... hoy shit she was right.... Though I grew this hair out to become... wait why the fuck did I grow this hair out.... is it because I wanted to prove how terrible our preconcieved notions about what one has to look like to be handsome or beautiful... did I really like it? I thought I did... but I dont want it anymore.. I don''t need to live any other way to prove to you how ridiculous these.... you might never know me... who the fuck knows what will happen when enough people start reading these feellings... acting on these principles... of a christian will.... Will the house of cards conveniently start to fall then... will the world allow themselves to be sucked into another global waR. YEAH THAT R WAS A TYPE
FUCK OFF....
sorry so were the caps... but yeah id rather Right 10 words talking about how or why discussing about what maybe the fucking captilor R meant metaphorically.... true....
I Have become an oberver of my own life.... while consciously going through with what is set before me...
Damn this weed was prolly good... but I literally havent smoked weed since last week.. and bfore that 3-6 months... ID DONT FUCKING KNOW LESSS THAN A YEAR again caps accidental hence forh I will not explain how I punctuate or type words correctly appear to you... Mainly because I am just going to start saying shit that I want to say because its me .. and not what some other person wants me to say.... be not what some opressive sychoology that has put my Brain to somehow assume that I am wreaking that opression on myself... fuck that day... no it isn't me I Will realize knowing that what I said was right... What I started to do was because it led me to this state.... Day 1.. yeah I am gonna do what god has set before me... I am gonna live... I am not going mindless go from place to place from this day forth.... I will not ….
Hold on.. before I fucking forget I am going to step away and flush that amazing eight of my weed down the toilet... I am also going to avoid typing the word fucking but it I think it everythime I need a second... To catch up.... I am frustrated....
That you cant keep up with what I am realizing right. Now....
Might it be the weed..... is it a combination of my life under different mind control states from potehr people's perception...
Why the fuck should I care... Yeah I fucking masterbated... I have spent hundreds of hours probably looking at porn... Sometimes I find myself just thinking about how nice a girls ass is or how beautiful her eyes...
wait .. that shit is importaant..
Dont feel like thats a distraction of your ego...
Wait but its like all I can think about... love.....
I want love....
I feel loved outside... I want to love inside...
I want to slow it down for me sometimes...
Yeah.. I exist...
oh my.. I still haven't flushed that. I need to really step away from this lap top... I am going to make it through this... I am gonna flush the weed down the toilet... and I am going to shave my beard.. because I am not JESUS... I am me striving to be like I know I should... to be true... to love myself and others.. to love the world...
Noooo some of you might be saying... I want to smoke that.... maybe I will feel the need to smoke it later to continue writing in a creative manner... or to write at all... maybe ill play more games... check out porn hub....
wtf...
I am going to flush this shit right now.... And I say that in the most non aggressive manner... but a more justice manner... I should have listened to my mom and not smoked this... either way this has just happened and I am greatful for my mom and my family....
I am going to shave my beard...
Right fucking now... bam...Did a part of me think that I am doing this because I want to be percieved differently.. maybe so.... maybe I just want to cut this shit maybe ill do my upper hair to do tomorrow shits been bothering me... Ill prolly misss this beard... but brb..
daminti I just deleted whole words to write a abbreviation and feel creative...
I also just fucking contradicted myself and fucking formatted this shit so you might understand the stream of consciousness better.... But its beyond that now... holy shit... this weed
Why...
Anways.. My mom called me 3 times so far she found that weed yesterday in my pocket and told me to flush it down the toilet.....
LOL... im 27... thi is my life...
shits a joke...
I want to work... I want to contribute toward something.. something of value... I dont want to sit back and earn money, so that I have more money to spend. I wat to work for something... and take care of myself in the process.... I am not going to just throw myself to the wind.. I will be assuing control from hence forth.... or will I? Othis is a christian will? What? …
This is my opression... R
Right now.. I hear these beeping and its tripping me the fuck out.. its fading in and out.. and it makes me wonder what the fuck it is.... sometimes I nvent these elaborate fantasies that I am actually importatnt enough for a hired agent to monitor... that they might sneak in every time they can.. when I go out.. put shit in my tooth paste put stuff in my juice....
Why the fuck should I have to worry about that kind of shit...
That is a crime.... That someone in this country might actually be thinking the way that I am.... because I do... Why is that distrust there... holy shit....
This is sad... I know society is sad.... WE get lied to every day by the government... 9/11 was this biggest lie ever... wtf happpned... tell us? Why Cant we know this shit... I want the fucking truth...And fuck you if you think your fucking need to know basis is fucking higher than anyone elses...
christian will... this is an opressive conclusion.... I hope I wrote that shit about my mom calling 3 times in the time frame since I got home guaging to see whetehr I smoked it yet talking my ear off the entire time... Wonder if she knew.. I love her but it is frustrating that she gets so upset that I dont turn out the way she want's me to be... or that she knows betst... yes she was right about me not going to be homeless and not seeking to get an apartment or staying and trying to live in the prison state that my mind and society have created. … I am tired...
I need to flush this shit now... brb officially..
Ok.... back
just flsuhed fown about 40 bucks worth of some quality shit.... shaved the beard I had been growing for the past year now and cut my hair as well...
Still riding the marijuansta ….
not crazy high anymore.. but something keeps beeping outside eww
so I spent solid 2 minutes looking at myself in the mirror... “this is what other people see when they look at me”....
thought about how much better shape I need to get into...
I don't want to get skinny and frail like a strung out junky.. I want to get strong and thrive and before that 5 years... I wont go quietly into that good night....
I want to say that I made my voice heard...
That I tried... that I …. Iwas spending hours looking up dating sites.. not posting a picture of myself because I didnt want people to like me for my looks... meanwhile I flipped through the meet me pictures declining to meet them for nothing other than their profile pic and how hot they looked.... I am an ass hole...
anyways... I have goals set about getting this site going... finding a career style job.... will see f the journalism field and I can make it work.... See if I can succeed as an entrepreneur in a society that maybe tomorrow when I am not stoned ill write something a little more literate.... but This is something to do... I will try at this... I wont spend hours wasting... time
so I am gonna take a break... and keep this thing balanced
But today...
Yes....
This is it.....
Action....
I got this...
I lied.. I just needed to take a small break...
Why am I writing this down.... I am the largest yppocrate ….. Why do I care about sharing myself with you...
Do is it about what you might think? Why..
I just thought about me going to sleep... waking up in a few hours and then hopping on here and writing about how I played a couple hours of video games and looked at porn since I last wrote anything...
Anyways... enough of me...
its the idea tha ….
So I want to
Get it together you dumb mother fucker? These fucking sex pots everywhere in society how can a young mother fucker realize wtf I just realizewadd with all these fucking images of what I need to be..a to change its concept of american dream to until they freeze my fucking accounts because I refuse to pay their fucking income tax.... how can I..... you do fucked up shit.... you do not represent what I would like to be represented as... I am a christian will....”
Yeah you just said that. and there in lies my first opressor. Because it's state of mind is not what mine is...
I am putting my life to the pages of time... offering it up not in vein glory, but instead .. I will first hand document
Day 2...
That was nuts... sorry...
I shaved my beard and cut my hair... the same beard and hair that for so long was a sybuol.. a symbol for myself more than anyone... that I wont give in to what societies expectations for me... that I wont play a role in life that I haven't chose by my own volition....
I cut it... but not because of what others wanted... because I didn't want it anymore... I put my job on the line for my hair... I was willing to get fired and go through many struggles to prove a point that I will not be subject to the expectations of my workplace... of society... I wont conform to the bulll shit that society says I must.... Damn I am stubborn? If anything it was a good reminder for me to reflect on as I continue on down this path...
Today I woke up before the sun rose... around 6.... First thing I did was pop on plenty of fish dating website and looked for something... I had it in my mind that I shouldn't try to love someone because the future that my life is headed... the oppression I will subject myself to for the sake of christian morals... I didnt and dont want to bring that on anyone... but I dont want to not love either... and I wont let them take that away from me... God has ordained that this is what I should do... fuck it if some tears are shed for a brief lapse in time... Because in the time before and the time after... holy shit... that will be some good time...
So I have a plan.. I am leaving boston.. leaving massachusetts. I am giving society a shot.... I am not going to just directly look for confrontation... I cannot reconcile paying taxes to a federal government whose policies, specifically of the foreign variety, including funding terrorists who, not only make it their mission to behead christians – whether its through funding ISIS or Alqaeda to foster political instability in different regions to help make foreign markets... foreign people more easy to control – but also because the entire model of their defense strategy relies solely on infiltration, subversion, illusion, coerscion, and ever other shadowy thing...
Maybe you think I am naïve... tahts fine... but give me a shot... maybe attempt to try and understand from where I am coming from... This is my story that I am sharing with you.... I have seen the shackles of my mind, and wont abide them any longer... no more will I simply abide these happenings without voicing my disapproval..
But you see it is fine for people to talk about revolutions... in the sense of “getting a gun and heading on down to the alamo,” I just saw an article where the headline was “black panthers call for killing 'pigs'” … what the fuck...
This is where we are... this is what we have been reduced to... This fucking division... man its sad. I wish that everyone could see what it is I see. Sometimes I think that might help... Then there is a part of me that thinks it might not... who would listen.. to me..
Well shit \... this is getting heavy... almost too heavy... I started off talking about my beard and how stoned I was yesterday and I somehow got to this shit... yeah this shit.... because this shit is real... and this is my life put to the 0s and 1s of this computer... from the clicking of keys.
If you want to check out of reality just flick on the news..
I mean... I watch the news... I watch movies... just last night I had to check out.... I had to take some time.... I was going into overdrive with getting perspective about my life... where I saw it heading... it was intense.... I needed to just dial it back a bit... go on autopilot again for a minute... and maybe that's what you need..
Good for you...
I just want to make sure this is clear... I will do my best to make sure grammar, punctuation and formating happen in the most coheive manner... but the reality is I dont have time for that... I can only come to this computer and ecpress myself for a limited amount of time in 1 day if I am going to go about achieving the goals I have set for myself.... I want to be healthy... I want to be strong... I want to earn money so that I can take care of myself, and others one day.... ultimatly I would like to start a business that provides a product that empowers people to be as independent as they can from others... But I know first... this needs to happen....
People need to realize what I have realized... that you create the world you live in... maybe you don't cause it to rain when it rains, the sun to shine when it shines, but maybe
Because how can someone be empowered by tools ... if they don't have the mindset to take hold of that tool, to realize that tool is there in the first place...
Holy shit...
The internet is fucking nuts.....
We have come to a point in history where I can communicate with someone in china if I really wanted to.... I am just Joe Shmo... I don't have to rely on what governments are telling me is happening in the world, I don't have to trust that I am not being manipulated.... I can talk to that person directly... I can hop on Skype and call that person through a video message and see that it is him talking to me... granted, thats not to say that the person on the other end isn't being manipulative or manipulated, or on the other hand, to s ay that I am not being manipulated... and by what....
I digress.. the internet.. this shit is amazing... This is the building block to human societies evolution... and it all started with a vision... america...
This country is the shit... at least the idea of it is... because let's be honest... I just hated on the govrment a couple of paragraphs ago... but the government and the country are two different things. This is the country where despite the criticism of the politically correct, speech nazis, we are proud to put on our currency “in god we trust”. Wow...
Thats right above the supposed illuminati symbol of the all seeing eye... and the latin phrase “novus ordo seclorum” which means “new world order,” and my oh my all one needs to do is go on to yourube and see the intense amount, and nature of the videos that illustrate that the people behind the scense, orchestrating... the people who envisioned this new world order... are evil... But is the idea itself or is this an endgame strategy being carreid out by the oligarchs and super elite to maintain the status quo of people's division.. of sovereignty...
wow.... In god we trust...
See I refuse to accept the notion that all these super elite actually desire to maintain their emmense fortunes, I think there is an argument they have within themselves that they have a responsibility, to use their resources, and channel them something into something for the common good... the bruce waynes of the super elite out there... I wont say that they dont exist...
I wont say that there are those self serving individuals out there who devote all of their existence to the sole purpose of themselves... See I have come to think that a balance needs to be made.. there are extents....
I jerked off alst night... it was sad... it made me think about what I wrote just a couple hours before... about how much I fall before the person I want to be. It made me worry if the life I saw for myself was going to just be a passing glimpse, whether the flower was ever going to actually blossom.
I want to have a romantic relationship, and I want it for me as much as I want it for that other person, sometimes I like to imagine myself so in love with another woman that I sit back and watch the world fall away, then I see the selfishness of this romantic ideal... I call to question whether or not this is some clever message I have received form an early age that persuades me to think this is all I ever need to amount to, that this is all that my love is limited to... this one person... I mean how sad is that...
As a christian male I worry that it might be to selfish of me to give everything of myself to another person... isn't there some kind of irony there...
I mean ultimately, statistics show that odds of this potential relationship panning out to mean something is jack... and 20 years later, here I am finding myself again with my dick in my hand looking at porn hub, thinking back about all the time, all the focus, I put into this one person, which ultimatly wound up to be nothing...
would it have amoutned to nothing...? Maybe not. Maybe, I had kids, maybe I didn't, maybe its just another stage in my life bringing me back to appreciate something more than myself, more than just my fellow human beings of the female variety, more than just human beings in general....
I mean ultimately... human society will do the same thing to me.. I have seen it... I will be shunned, outcast, likely persecuted by the very society I feel so desperate to save, for the very people I want to spare from their future sufferings... I have seen it...There is an irony there... oh jesus...
cut... cut back to yesterday... I was high, still feel a little high today... I convinced myself to go outside and smoke the tightly rolled joint that made me feel like I had at least accomplished something of my misspent youth. No smoking in the lease aggreement and ill be damned if I aint gonna get this security deposit back because the off chance my eccentric neighbor down stairs might call and report it to my land lord.
So I head out on my journey... I get to the end of my block and realize... I am in the middle of the city... there are people everywhere... where the fuck can I go to be me... to do something for me without offending anyone else... I cant even go to the place where I rest my head... jesus...
Anyways.... the sun is breaking through these glorious clouds, its freaking beautiful, the spring.... how grateful I am for that...
I think about parks... there are less people there.. moving about.. going to and fro... “god it would be awkward if some mother brought her kid to the park and there was some shady looking mother fucker down there, with long hair and a long beard sitting there getting high on lord knows what.. definitely some kind of piff cus that shit stank..”
“Maybe ill go to that park thats closed for construction, nobody is in there, I wont offend some mother and her small child. But then I am trespassing on public grounds and giving the Officer man reason to come over and start shaking me down... lord knows I don't for one of the first three times I have smoked in 5 years. Plus.. I have seen the shit on the news... yes its all fucking bullshit race provacaeuring by the media.. divide and conquer.... black lives matter... black panther extreme bull shit... #blackbrunch... wtf...
Anyways... the ive seen the turn things can take with these cops who have been conditioned to live in a state of fear, they are capable of anything... plus I am a big mother fucker.... about 6'7 add on the fact with my beard and long hair, and the cop knows I'm smoking something I shouldn't he will likely be on all sorts of fucking hormones and shit, Im not trying to wind up being the next man who dies because he cant breathe while a cops fucking knee sits a top me with all the officers wait on top of it.... Shit... we are sick....
Plus noones around to help keep that mother fucker's ego in check...'
Damn... I just want to smoke a joint...
This shit is hard....
So I go to the baseball field area.. pretty secluded... I mean the main roads are 100 yards away in every direction... yeah that will be a good spot... man the sun looked beautiful....
So I get to that spot... the wind's blowing hard... supposed arctic blast... my mom just called a few minutes before, so she prolly won't call again to see if I smoked that weed she found since I got back to my place, or so I thought. So I stick my head inside my coat, my joint and lighter under the bottom, light that shit, get the ember burning nice and red at the tip and take out and start puffing on that bad boy.
I am sitting there smoking, not so much at my own pace than at the pace of physics, cus I dont feel like relighting that shit, gotta keep smoking, gotta keep it burning...
I start coughing a lot more than when I smoked the week before... prolly the non hemp papers I bought at the corner store.... cant I get something healthy at the fucking corner store... even if its for something that is not all that healthy.... ohh the irony!
It's done... I geeked out a couple times looking around to see if anyone was coming, but I made it through without anyone coming and me making them feel awkward and in turn, myself as well.
So I stand there overlooking the reservoir across this main road, which is set behind the baseball fields and tennis courts, a nice break from the concrete jungle.
Something happned to me after that I don't know I can ascribe entirely to the marijuana, but it sent a chain of events that have taken me out of this no man's land part of my life. I just stood there for about 15 minutes? I dont really know to be honest... maybe longer... but my senses...
I could feel the wind blowing, I remember the sun going back behind the clouds, in the distance I saw a break in the clouds, the sun was shining there, and I thought how nice it would be to be there. I saw the top of the Jesuit college's steeple just below the sun... The wind was blowing hard, I could feel the air rushing through my hair, beating up against my body... it was all really intense, I found myself singing hymns, not so much hymns but words of worship music that I listen to... Yes I listen to christian music... its not that bad...but back to the story... This was after all what I convinced myself that I wanted to smoke for, I wanted to get some weed and smoke it by myself with the hopes that I might have some kind of spiritual experience. It would seem right that I would sing song's like these..
Then I just started to experience something that I wish I could live in all the time, not the high, just the feeling. I opende my eyes and my ears, here I am standing in this park all stoned prolly creeping some curious onlooker out. Standing there by myself with my eyes closed for a lot of the time.. Man it would probably be humorous...
But when my eyes opened and my ears started listening, I saw myself standing there in this remote land by myself...
“... though none go with me, still I will follow...”
All of these people are bustling about with tehir lives, doing whatever they have decided they needed to do for whatever reason. Runner's running around the reservior, students on their way to or back from scool walking in the distance, cars coasting along the roads, staying in between the lines marked out for them. Somehwere in the distance, behind the maintenance house I was standing in front of, I heard some cars laying on their horns...
I felt a semblance of peace, of just being in that moment, just being...
apart...
“still I will follow.. no turning baaaaaaaaaack... no turning baaaaaaack”
I dont want to live that life... I just want to live...
man....
“I'm stoned. Holy fuck.” I remember thinking.. Then the thoughts of society's oppression came back to me... I was mad that I got jettisoned away form that... that I had to leave... because I knew what might eventually befall me...
Some, curious onlooker would get upset that someone is not fucking runnning around with their head cut off... because somone just standing on a public walk has become a fucking crime... yess.....
This is the society we live in... you might want to deny it... but yes its true.... do I need to get a fucking certification of my religion as a fucking buddhist to get the fucking government to stop harassing me about just taking the time to just be still.... to appreciate the fucking world... god damn...
But yes... if you watch the reasons police cite to disperse people, usually speaking out against the system and some injustice which it perpetrates then you will see that you can't just stand on a side walk... thats a crime.... as a matter of fact.. You can't live in the room that houses your bed if you don't pay taxes to a system that you may not agree with.... then when society purges you from your living quarters, society will attack the homeless. They cant live on land without being in the system, they have to be put up in homes run by the state. They Vagrancy, I don't want other's to be forced to take care of me... I just want to go out and live.. CAN. I. LIVE!?.
But no,, enter the justification of the system... we need government to help facilitate order... people will just be claiming whatever they want. That “I own whatever because I say so” and there won't be any government by where such claims can be validated.
“I own this land because I paid for it... here is my receipt.. I had the most money... I can continue to pay the taxes it takes to own this land... so I get to own it...”
What I want to tell you is who the fuck says that what we do now is any different...? At what point did we decide that our fucking system was the best. That we had it all worked out.... Because shit... One thing is that if we take a look at the social world around us developing, it is not a good fucking climate.. Me sitting here as Joe Shmo might have it pretty good, but shit... people in the world are suffering. Am I supposed to ignore it because I need eist too. But lets be honest.. I am not talking about the suffering one has when they cant get the newest iphone, when their latest fucking tv show gets delayed because of some sporting event. I am talking about suffering... people's families being torn apart, by drugs, violence, war, selfishness... people literally starving not just over seas, but here in our own country, run by a system of government that we hold in so high esteem, is their suffering of their own doing or is it the symptom of something else.
Holy shit.. these cocnepts can get pretty real for any guy.... almost too much to think about... it makes me at times just want to rever back to autopilot... keep those blinders on... take on ….
fuck that... you know what.. yesterday I was sitting at my table all high and shit and I was thinking about where I live now.... Somewhat modest living quarters... a hundred dollar table I bought on amazon.. a 200 dollar fouton I sleep on. My parent's old couch.... A couple of posters...
sometimes I forget who I was... and wonder whtehr who I am now was ever really any different...
In the center of my table I have this really expensive cast iron tea set I bought at teavana.. I bought 4 cups, four saucers, the kettle, the kettle warmer, all of it cast iron. Shit was expensive... It was the kettel that has cherry blossoms and the saucer's and cups have dragon flies on them, all black cast iron with gold acccents, enamel plated inside.. Obviously I got this because there was a metaphorical significance that these pieces had for me... I got 4 sets because I imagined myself sitting down with 3 others, me and my other special one maybe with another couple, sitting down talking, enjoying some nice brewed tea...
Quite a pleasing image to envision...
I haven't used the set once. Not even when I was dating someone in the time that I had it, did I offer to use it to have our tea in... Clearly I am... A. an ass hole... B. efficient person that thinks it a lot of work to clean and maintain that set for just one use... C. I don't hold myself, or my significant other, in high regard, or at least not in high enough regard to warrant the use of the aforementioned set... D. that I dind't get the set for use at all, but more so for decoration, as a kind of altar.... a representation of my life.. a symbol... an art piece with the nice dragon flies and pretty cherry blossoms... or is it E. Everything all at once?
Who am I...? Who was I...?
I work as a waiter, and I was working with someone who was “in the weeds” and the other day and he was just running around with his head down just trying to get through the rush... cus damn.. if you are a waiter, you know that sometimes thats all you feel you can do... and I had the audacity to sit there and say to somoneone else that he is his own worst enemy...
The second after those words left my lips I felt like a dick...
I immediately thought that maybe I was talking to or about myself when I said that to another coworker. Why didn't I tell it to the person who was struggling? Why didn't I just feel I could reach out and give him some calm to help him make through the shift without feeling like he just got tossed through a meet grinder by the end of it? I am sick of being worried about if the truth might offend people, I wanted to tell him the truth and didn't because I was worried it might make me look like an arrogant ass whole, that I myself had my shit together.. fuck that...
its all bull shit... why do I care if I think other people view me as a nice guy or whatever... fuck that shit... why do I care if people think that I think I have my shit all together by offering them anything.... No I hope from this day forth that when I am being a dick or getting bogged down in life... someone or something reaches out to me and keeps me back in line... gives me perspective.. that I am humble enough to take shit for what it is and not worry about where it came from...
All of these concepts and ideas.. ive ahd them before.. they were alive.... in me.. but there is something to be said about putting pen to paper... something to be had...
Shit get's real..
My life is real...
I have decieded to take my own challenge..
The challenge of my own will....
What is it that I will....
What that is can't be dtermined without first knowing who it is that I am..
who AM I?
I wish everyone could recognize what I have learned to see in my own life.... that I often worry about society, social happenings, maybe I worry about others, but I dont worry about myself....
I wish everyone is humble enough to recognize and internalize the lessons that life has to teach us....
I mean just the other day, a differnet co worker of mine, we are friendly, not really friends though.... we dont hang out outside of work ever... bu ti like to think that I can joke around with him...
We both had been growing beards, he cut his a little more frequently.. and from time to time I gave him shit about it.. “I don;t even know you anymore?” “Who are you?” I might say.
Most recently after he not just trimmed his beard as he had done in the past... he cut it all off.... I laid into him again with the similar remarks... throwing in the analogy of Jackie Chan's classic kung fu action-adventure “who am I?” as a reference....
I mean .. what a dick... I am..
Does a beard define anyone? Does hair, style, accessories truly define anyone? Fuck that... That's what we want to be defined as.. at that particular time..... but fuck that... that's not true... Who I want to be defined as doesn’t hold true to define me... Who am I then, if not the perception I have of myself? Who the fuck am I?
What a hypocrite I am... I grew my fucking hair out as a symbol to remind myself to not make myself an image of how I envision others want me to be. Here I am associating my coworker's hair with who he is, calling into question that he may not know himself.... ohh god... forgive me...
woe, how subtle these deceptions of life..... What is it that does this to me? Why can't I just live? Why do I have to make judgements... fuck taking the mentally easy way out... it doesn't work...
If I ignore the problem... it doesn't cease to exist... I know the fucking truth... right?
Why do I sometimes find myself thinking that maybe the truth is something different.... something bey
Every time someone asks me how I am doing they ask... they might not give a fuck and actually expect a response but who the fuck cares if I give them the response they expected... manners... next time somebody says whats up.. I might say good.... but I am gonna fucking mean it... if something is upsetting me I don't care if what I might have to say is upsetting me might upset you in some way.. I am not going to give a fuck how you view me if I tell you how upset I am …
Be that fucking hadn that reaches out to me to pull me out of the weeds.... be that fucking dick head that tells me I dont know who I am... Because I need that shit too..
For fucks sake... I am gonna own this life...
No more bowing down to public opinion....
Truth is... having long hair is a pain in the ass.... Fuck being a symbol... Symbols are left open to interpretation... I am gonna fucking be the truth... I am gonna live......
I have been writing for the better part of 3 hours now... I haven't even gotten a website together to put these words out to be published.. let alone seen as to whether or not somone reads what I have to say....
I mean here I am... no face-book.. no twitter... because how vegin it is to post shit about your life...
But I watch movies dont I? Play's, read books? I am guilty of watching arelaity tv show or two in my life.... How said it is that I am taking time to write down something when I just want to be living...Why am I writing this down? Why did I get that tea set? Why did I say that shit about his own worst enemy? Why did I say that shit about his beard? Why did I leave the weed in my coat pocket, where I keep my keys for my car, which I knew my mom checks. IS tehre something happening that I am not aware. Am I choosing this shit?
Cut back.....
So I made it back to my apartment.. after quite the perilous journey...
On the way back I was standing at the corner I had this weird feeling... That I was standing there and people were watching me as their cars carried them to wherever it is that they were going. Standing there.... awkwardly waiting for my time to cross the street... as they drove by and sat there looking at me.... at their own light...
Ive been that person... looking out...
“snap out of it.. cross the street.. who the fuck cares if there is a walk sign or not... you gotta get back to your place before some cop comes...”
Its just so weird walking by these people.. they walk by me like I dont exist...
they overt their eyes...
we are sick.......
a car barrels by after I make it across the main street without managing to get hit by a car. (Yes I was pretty stoned at this juncture). In this car a young man, likely of the college age, has chosen to stick his head out the window, hollering something, what it was I didn't really acknowledge but it was something nevertheless. I thought to myself wow. I got a similar feeling, that in some way I was responsible for this young mans outburst... similar to before, I felt a degree of responsibility for the changing. Skies about me.... If so I want you to save me.... I want you to save me.....
save me from the myself... I am a christian will trying to survive in the world that has left me no place to hide... I have been cornered... A part of me wants to go out and just live in the country... to leave the world behind and hope that it goes away... because I will be gone.... but then I realize how selfish I am.. This isnt about just my experience , this isnt about my convenience, this isnt about my fucking ego....
there is no land that has yet to hear the wisdom of truth... the mission of availabilty has been accomplished.. but in evangelizing, in pioneering the wisdom, the truth, we have forgotten what it was we set out to accomplish... we forgot about the journey of the self.. evident.. ly
Why...
…...
So I made it back to my apartment. I sat at my table/desk for a while.. in front of my lap top. A part of me wanted to start playing my favorite video game, se how fun it would be to play it all stoned. But instead I just sat there.
I sat tehere with my elbows on the table, my hands interlocked. I dont know how long I sat there... but my entire life began unfolding... something in my chest started to struggle... I didnt know if it was my heart or my lungs... hwtehre I was forgetting to breathe. But I still sat there... I just began to realize the path I was about to commit myself too... and part of me still would like to... Save myself the time... because I know eventually ti is what society will condemn me to eventually...
You see... I realized this before, at a family dinner for my brother's birthday... the air was thin yet stuffy.. at my parents... my brother had a few bears in him... my sister is going through a separation/ divorce and quite a rude awakening to her own ego so anything she can do to detract from her own problems by projecting others she will take. A few bottles of wine had been cracked. I, personally, was about 3 glasses of wine deep, yet not drunk, despite what maybe my family members chalked that night up to, to help themselves rest a little bit more easy... but I know that night was one of the saddest times for me....
And it was because I had a realization of many things at once that night as well....
I have seen the vision of jesus.. the kingdom that it is at hand... the plan.. the great work underway.. I have seen what comes at the future... I have also seen the destruction, the torment, the suffering that will ultimately rear its head.... and it was sad... later I remembered also the joy, that I will not be forsaken. I remembered the promise.... and god is not me... but I can still envision what god is, because god is like me.
So what is life.... are we all just a bunch of schizophrenics circling the globe, seeking some new way to bring some new satisfaction to my own ego...
I don't like to think myself a prophet, despite your ego's convincing you that maybe that's what I am by saying the stuff I do.... but its like a chess game... and when you stop thinking about it in terms of moves and instead look at it in terms of logic, you can see what must eventually happen and how it happens kind of fills itself in... you notice then how it might get there, the kingdom that is, or the same goes for the apocalypse.. or both.
Society will hate me because I tell it that that it is wrong, that its ways must change. I tell you that you create the society around you, your will to propagate this society... do you believe some doctrine that you, Joe Shmo, will be whisked away some how should that day finally come, do you think that you yourself are some how different, some how special, somehow separate?
You see the crux of this thing called life... you choose the life I have, and you will be persecuted here, on earth in the physical life that we know, that extends to the day we die and our organs shut down. Because in this life, right now, how society is structured, you will be the criminal. You are the nemesis of society.... not some black panther thug who is calling for the murder of cops because some black teenager got killed...holy shit... where are we? You are the nemesis because you have chosen to oppose concepts like “defensive war” or ideas such as “freedom under law” because law implies restrictions, can you be free while being restricted? Ownership: what the fuck does that even mean? Property?
You are the enemy because your very existence is an affront to the life and health of this kingdom of men that we call the the United States of America. The central govenrment is an utterly massive bureaocracy that is all but shrowded in secrecy.. One hand washes the other as they say. Wand my oh my it does. How the fuck do we know that the govenrment represents us when we dont even know what the govenrnment is doing 90 percent of the time.
You are the fucking enemy because you try to find out or you try to share with people what the govenremtn is doing so that we as a republic might actually know whether or not we are being represented. “but the governerment needs secrets to keep us safe” I dont fucking by that shit. I dont care if a fucking nuike almost went off in new york city and people panicked and fled the city... thats prolly what they should do in the first case....
holy shit if there was ever something that was the epitome of something out of balance it is the cities. Not one of these people can support themselves on their own.. There is no such thing as self reliance.... Yet you are the enemy because you want to empower the individual... that you care about people being able to express themselves through an exchange of goods. you are a capitalist..
“fuck you you greedy mother fucker, you capitalist pig.” “All you do is consume”
Get off each other's asses and look at what the fuck is happening to us... we are on the fucking precipice of nuclear war.... Have you notseen the fire? The Destruction? Have you not seen the death? The sorrow? The tears..
Have you not seen the light?
This is it. This is the kingdom. This is prophecy realized.
Then, let's say you choose to go along with this mother of all ponzi schemes: the ego. Shit, was fun for a while.. Man you rolled your window down in your new fancy car and didn't give a fuck for anyhting else, other than that moment in the car, you felt free... And who is to say that is wrong? But what the fuck was it for? What gives my life meaning? The fancy car? The cute girl I fucked last week? The nice mansion?
And this will be your suffering that you will secretly endure throughout your life, attempting to drown out its cries with strong drink, with staying busy, with subtle distractions. But those cries will grow louder after each attempt to stuff it out, until one day you look back and see your life for what it is.
You are the criminal because you point out that this reaction is sick. Because our society is the manifestation of how we have come to view the world in the west, in terms of me me me.. Is that wrong? Me is important... I am unique... I have a voice?
Lord knows someone will use communism to discredit any talk about community... cus what the fuck is so bad about communism? Working together as a community, voluntarily subjugating my will for a greater will? Where the fuck is the harm in that?
But no, “Communism is bad. It has killed many people.” And it has. At least, what we associate with communism has. But was that ever communism? Having a government compulsively force people to do what is best for the collective. IS that a community, no. A community is together, bound by something more than law. A community is bound by a sharing of values, a shared mindset, and by colunteering their minds with that mindset work together consciously for a common goal, a common goodliness. Dont ask me why I decided to use goodliness, other than it appeared in the auto correct and I decieded to go with it. You work it out.
Capitalism.... capitalism is the enemy!! Yes! Is it really? Whats wrong with capitalism? All that capitalism means is freedom, and whats wrong with your ability to choose what you want to buy.
You see what the problem is here? We have been tricked into thinking that we had something and it didnt work. Did you ever have the ability to choose .. I mean we have a whole section of law devoted solely to intellectual property? WTF?
Doy ou own the thoughts that I am think g righ now because at one point in time you thought of them as well? GET THE FUCK OFF ME?!
This is America?!
No... Because I know what America is.... and you will not take her from me!!
“When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government.”
The law isn't something that is legislated, what is legislated is like a ruler, designed to make functioning in the world for the unconscious, but I am conscious, and I don't need your laws.
The law of the heart is all I need. Should one day your law comes down on me because the law that I live my life by doesn't fit in with the life that you live than so be it... I just want to live, and you... YOU have affronted my law's as a created being... You can go on living but now, as you have come full circle in your life, you come to me....
You want to live off of others. But is that a life? Are you even a live if all you do is live off the perception of others? What happens to you when noone is around to percieve you? Who do you become? Where do you go?
Go back to the empty cess pool you climbed out of! I dont want this shit anymore. Shit's fake. So is your fucking bull shit telling me..
I don't..... Is this hate? I know I shouldnt. But I have never despised anything more so than now, this... ego...
What is this... that has made me aware of this ego? Who? And has the collective ego served as a entity to save me from my own.... life... the fucking wonder!!!!
… I envy the birds...
They fly around, dancing, they build their nests from very humble supplies, they raise a family in their nest and are still content...
Where do the dead birds go?
I feel like I have never seen one other than when a cat has brought one in for me? Are there bird hospitals that they go to when they get sick, go there to die..?
No I am not high any more... but seriously.... those birds....
sure they shave their struggles, but they are content. The sun will come out and my how they sing! Those god damn birds!
….
Am I some secret agent sent to the united states to foster communist revolution in America? Who the fuck cares who I am? What about what I am telling you?
What about my ideas? NO. not mine. About Our ideas. Because you have had these same ideas too. We are connected... There's no “i” in team. Are we on the same team? What vision do you have for the world? Do you want peace on earth? Do you want love? C'mon now, your not too manly to admit that are you? You aren't too preoccupied with how you are going to get the money together to do your nails to admit that you want love too?
That it is our ego that is the enemy...... our ego....
I have seen disaster coming to America and those who stray from god, from truth, from self exploration. Society cannot withstand any further deviance and the break down will be blamed on me. On the christian will....
We are on that precipice, and before any last ditch efforts of a dieing age to propagate its existence set's loose its on the world of men, how great will this light be... so that all will see... all will know...
“what the fuck is this guy on? I don't even understand what the fuck he is saying right now..”
Probably not.... but maybe you do...
part of me wants to stop... go back... edit this... reorganize restructure... but then I think that will make things even more confusing so I don't... so as you follow along with me, assuming somebody is even bothering to read the ramblings of anonymous stranger... hopefully this stranger will sound familiar...
and so... I will attempt to come full circle and give some sort of cohesion to this day's entries. I have the vision, I see where I fit in that vision and what events muste eventually unfold and yes parts of it saddens me, which I discovered on the night that we celebrated my brother's birthday.... You see it all started with a simple conversation about the Boston transportation system the “T” and how the city handled the abundant amound of snow we had over the course of this winter. My sister was upset about delay's. She would have to be stuck waiting for the T, freezing outside, because she didn't know when the next “T” was going to make it. That she was going to made late for work.
She would recount that she was herself lucky because she was a salaried employee. “How about all of those other people who work hourly jobs, unable to get to work because the T wouldnt take them there?” she would ask. And she would be right. Shit is getting out of control.
All these people coming to America working these low paying jobs because in their home countries the dollar is worth a lot more. Or that you yourself..
You see, I have an education, I have subjected myself to just about 30,000 dollars in student loans, and since moving out of my apartment jacked up my credit card bill to a cool 8 thousand.... which I intend to pay off at least partially with the proceeds from the sale of the car that was given to e by my aunt. Before that, the card I had was bought for with bonds that my grandparents had put away fro me when I graduated high school to help me go to school. I have had so much given to me... How lucky I am too.. because there are a lot of people who don't find themselves in as fortuitous situations. I could easily put my mind to getting a job that would afford me ample amounts money, you see I am going to try to get a job in the news field, but I knew in college the same as I do now.... the only thing that awaits me in the journalism “industry” isn't a investigative reporter position for some prestigious Journalistic institution where I can explore truth, because journalism has become exactly what I referred to it as: “industry.” How can I – someone who wants the truth, someone who wants to share the truth – function in a system which puts its own existence before the truth. How can Journalism survive if a government persecutes those asking the tough questions are persecuted; if we have begun to annoint people who work for select institutions as somehow special, that it is only their right to express themselves through verbal, written communication and not an inherret right of all men.
Is nothing absolute in this world?
Love doesnt exist because there is such thing as an absence of it. These paradigms we are taught are wrong. Truth exists. Right exists......
Righteousness exists!!
For fucks sake.
“I CAN”T BREATHE!!”
But I digress..... who am I.. I am this person relating these stories to you of my past.... Is it these experiences that have come to define me as who I am. NO.
There is something more than that, something more than just my perception of myself in a linear form. So my mom found my pot yesterday, and i'm 27, and she made it seem like she was crushed, like everything she had ever knew was destroyed... She was under the impression that I was this sober person and that I was some pure thing. I don't know what she thought exactly, nothing changed about me other than the revelation that I had pot on me, which she probably assumed that I had been smoking the entire time. But she loved and hated the fact that I fell in love with God..... that this passion and drive to do right by God my pull me away from her, might deter me from the happy life that she had envisioned for me.
Either way, it was funny that it was like I was a different person to her, now that she discovered that I had weed and may have been smokeing the entire 5 years when I had actually quit. Just today, she popped by because after leaving yesterday I forgot some clothes and she offered to bring them over so that I wouldnt have to risk losing the spot I found for my own car, bless her. Still I feel guilty.... because the only thing that I did to achieve this treatment is come out of her vagina.
Or is the story of birth more than just the intense labor and immense relief that spans over a couple hours....
does the story of birth connect to something... more....
there is something more to a mother's love for her children than just the continuance of her progeny, than any social expectations that may have spurred her to be selfless...
is it our secret most desire to be selfless... while at the same time also being the most frightening prospect?
Death....
Am I still high?
I dont fucking know anymore....
…..
…..
…..
Anyways.....
Back to the story of Joe Shmo...
The same type of thing happned when I cut my hair, I knew that when she saw it she was going to be happy and pleased, because she fucking hated my hair, she constantly would be slipping in subtle remarks about my beard, about my hair.. “you are going to cut it before your cousins wedding right? Think of the wedding photos,” she would say.
But again, the only thing that changed was my hair, and my the words out of my mothers mouth the first time she saw me after her first gasps were, “oh my.. why did you finally cut it? I have my boy back!” As if somehow the person I was before all of a sudden ceased to exist.
I love that woman.
It was some good ironic comic relief from life for exactly what I have been going over by putting my mind to computer over these past short couple days...
how long will this last...
God I hope you keep me...
And so I have been writing all morning on this day 2... soon I will stop numbering the days because fuck that..
But I cant manage to get through a complete fucking thought on here, I have become very disjointed but together at the same time.. Hopefully what I am saying will eventually come through though... many hours, sure I must take to the responsibilites for the more life, because after all, it is not enough to just talk about change, than to actually change in life... This is my religion, my practice.... to change..... to change myself, to make myself who I know I can be and in turn see that change refelected in the world....
That fateful night, on the eve of my brother's birthday we got to talking about the “T”... yeah we are back to that, stay with me... almost there...
My brother and I began to try to make my sister realize the nature of human society, that she can't be upset that the T stopped functioning, because she chose to live where she has, she chose the job where she did. She chose that... those people working those hourly jobs are choosing to work those jobs and subject themselves to such conditions for work... that to an extent they own a degree of responsibility for the conditions they find themselves in. Maybe if less people didn't choose to work in the city for their job they would not find themselves in these scenarios, neverrtheless... nobody was starving in boston.. Everyone that needed help in the “snow emergency” got it.. at least I didnt hear about it if they didnt.
And so my sister didn't take too kindly to the fact that she owned a degree of responsibility for her non-fortunate happenings. But then the conversation began to evolve, and by this point my brother and sister were pretty much both essentially screaming at each other, two feet away, for the past half hour, 45 minutes, I dont even know...
The whole time my dad is chiming in and bless his sole, living in Boston his entire life brought him up as a very 'dog eat dog' kind of guy. And shit, that's how mainstream society has evolved.
“i got kids, I gotta take care of my kids, my family, I gotta look out for me, if I can barely look out for them how in the hell can I be expected to look out for others....” for fucks sake... DOES ANYONE SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING!??!
“That tax man will eventually come knocking, Ill be evicted, maybe my wife will divorce me, maybe ill lose custody of my kids...” Holy shit thats a lot of fucking pressure for Joe Shmo. Meanwhile you got some pompous millenial coming up and telling him he's gotta do better.... Because his shit aint cutting it....
I live on the outskirts of boston.... my rent is 1300 dollars a month for a studio apartment located at the last stop of the T line. I am a waiter.. I make no more than 24,000 dollars in a year working just under 40 hours a week with no paid vacation. I have hopes and dreams of having a family the same as any other guy might have or have had in the past at some point. But shit... im staring down a divorce, lost custody, child support payments.... for fucks sake whats the fucking point....
But that's what the government is there for, to help.... right?
Fuck that... you give a man a fish, he'll be hungry the next day... You teach him to fish... he'll have food forever....
I don't want some government handout.... So that my actions are determined by when the government says sit I fucking sit and the government gives me a treat...
This is the American reality....
This is the oppression of the christian man.... this is our cross.....
not mine, ours.... now lets fucking do something about this... this is not a sustainable situation.... You want to talk about sustainability... its not the people that are unsustainable its the government ….. It can not persist... it will ultimately be destroyed with a glorious upheaval of peace and love, an awareness of a consciousness, a consciousness of an awareness......
Where the fuck are we going..... can we stop to think, not just act as Joe Shmo, but think of us as a unit, not as a pig's and panthers, not as eliteists and peasant folk or surfs, but instead as a people that are a part of something much greater than just us...
with those to those who only work for on the direct opposition and so this week end I have decided to go out and look for jobs and give it a shot. I am limited to New Hampshire because it is a state that is very liberty minded. Should my case actually ever make it to a court room I should like to know that the state will come to my defense when the federal government comes knocking wondering where the tax on my income is.