You are loved....
Yours. Truly. | Monday, July 27, 2015 -- 5:51 PM EDT
It has been a while. this is a very "unfinished" entry, and thats saying a lot. So sorry if it appears incomplete and seems to jump around. This picks up at my trip to New York City. back in the end of may.
Well I didn't upload that last entry yet.... just going to start this new entry now though...
This morning I thought about the passage in the bible that talks about divining signs or whatever... as I look for the quote now... I came across this quote...
“7Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: 8For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. 9Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? 10Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? 11If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? 12Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.” - Matthew 7
I went and took my mornign shit after reading this, and prayed, asked, “god please, they will be done... make me yours....” I trusted in my loving father...
See I found myself questioning the validity of “God talking to me” all of these things... but looking back... I am mad at myself for doubting it... I sit here thinking about all the different sects of christianity... how they all kept saying it was the end of the world, making prophecies of dates and what not, divining signs.... Here I am feeling like I am doing the same thing...
I questioned it... I thought about me on the bus... thinking about that sign that I saw on the train earlier that morning... “Relax and Ride..”
Sitting on the train.... I interested that to just sit and enjoy the girls company... which I tried to do... I finished that entry up and just sat there for the remaining 40 minutes... I questioned it because I never did give the girl my number... but still... I think now, maybe a lot can be said for not sitting and writing... as we snailed our way through the city streets stuck in friday rush hour traffic, I remember looking out past the girl sitting next to me as we were stopped, I saw this old woman talking to this man, then she stopped, set down her bags and pulled out some potato chips to give to the man.... who looked about 10 years older than me or so...
As she set down her bags I saw him start to stick his hand in the trash looking for something, bottles I am assuming. She hands him the chips and then continues on.... I thought about my sociology professor, this girl remarking about altruism... me telling her about how my sociology professor essentially put forth the idea that altruism doesn’t really exist, because in some way, when people do an apparent selfless act, its because they get some kind of internal gratification, maybe they think it as penance to get them into heaven, maybe they are experiencing some kind of cognitive discomfort when they see someone else struggling, or suffering so they help them not to relieve the one actually suffering but instead to relieve themselves of the discomfort of watching other people suffer...
In college I remember thinking what bullshit that was...
Writing everything and everyone off as self serving egotists... I was a little angry... but now... when I think about it, when one empathizes like that, sure maybe its because they want to get into heaven and thats one of the things they think that will help them to do that, but when one empathizes I think in that point your self kind of transcends your physical body which most people would consider as the self, when they experience that discomfort and do something to correct it they are doing something for themselves, yes, but not in the traditional sense... motives arent for anyone other than ourselves to divine, anyone but the father who sees in secret, to divine...
So fuck that....
I am glad I finally have the understanding to justify what I knew back in college...
But I did chat some more with this girl... I don't really remember the exchange... but I see... that maybe there was something beyond what I know.. some effect.... of just relaxing... and riding...
Maybe, not what I initially thought, maybe me seeing that “the five episode helped me to see that sign in that way at that moment on the bus...
shiit... what a nut job...
….
as we continued to ride.. I found myself looking out the windows, at the people walking around, the kids playing on the basketball courts... I checked out the buildings on one side... they were big, impressive, imposing they were.... I considered the complexity, the achievement of building this city, the highways, the bridges... wow....
Out the other window was central park... and I looked out, at the trees, the grass.... the people... it just reminded me of how much more impressive the work of god is.... the life... versus the dead stone that so often draws our focus...
I found myself falling into the trap of thinking about the suffering that is to come... how much of an asshole I would be to think that there would be no righteous man in these cities..
So fuck that all of that.... as I continued to look for that bible passage that talks about false prophets telling about signs... I came across this chapter...
“1And Jesus went out, and departed from the temple: and his disciples came to him for to shew him the buildings of the temple. 2And Jesus said unto them, See ye not all these things? verily I say unto you, There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down.
3And as he sat upon the mount of Olives, the disciples came unto him privately, saying, Tell us, when shall these things be? and what shall be the sign of thy coming, and of the end of the world? 4And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you.
5For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. 6And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. 7For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. 8All these are the beginning of sorrows.
9Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. 10And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. 11And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. 12And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. 13But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. 14And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.
15When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) 16Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains: 17Let him which is on the housetop not come down to take any thing out of his house: 18Neither let him which is in the field return back to take his clothes. 19And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! 20But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day: 21For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. 22And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect's sake those days shall be shortened. 23Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. 24For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. 25Behold, I have told you before.
26Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth: behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not. 27For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. 28For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together.
29Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken: 30And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory. 31And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other.
32Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is nigh: 33So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors. 34Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. 35Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.
36But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only. 37But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. 38For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, 39And knew not until the flood came, and took them all away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. 40Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left. 41Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left.
42Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come. 43But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up. 44Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh.
45Who then is a faithful and wise servant, whom his lord hath made ruler over his household, to give them meat in due season? 46Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing. 47Verily I say unto you, That he shall make him ruler over all his goods. 48But and if that evil servant shall say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; 49And shall begin to smite his fellow servants, and to eat and drink with the drunken; 50The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of, 51And shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
….
Just now, the other friend who I am visitng is sending me pictures of the party he went to last night, why he couldn't hang... There is this pic of this girl walking around in this victorian attire with a metal gown for the poofy part at the bottom, the metal rings holding glasses of champaigne....
He texts me a selfie of himself with a mask on...
“Mr eyes wide shut eh?”
“You know it lol”
….
Ok it's sunday... What I really want to do is break dow this quote that I found yesterday..
But before I do... I just remembered a dream I had last night, the remembrance of which was sparked by reading about the darkening of the moon and stars. I have seen the movie 'star dust' before, the movie lion king, and a bunch of other movies that talk about the same concept, and in the dream it was concerning how stars are the lives of some people, or something like that, and one of my friends who I am visiting was walking with me and told me how he wanted to block out the stars and the moon. I asked him “why?” And he had some reason but I remember I said, “the stars and moon shine the light in the darkness.”
Anyways, don't really know about that... just remember having said that in the dream...
But back to that quote... I worry that maybe I am one of those “false prophets,” but let me tell you now I just am interpreting what I am seeing in the context of this excerpt here. Concerning christ, when people say lo here, or lo there...
“23Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. 24For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. 25Behold, I have told you before.”
There have been people, who have claimed to be Christ, many in fact... spiritualist have “channeled” a spirit that implies that the spirit is christ... This is the kinds of things I think that the bible was referring to. Because that is what goes against the teachings of Christ, which is that “The kingdom of heaven is within”, that “ye are all gods,” how a time will come when we will not need to worship God in a temple or church. How I see god, is more of a collective manner. So as I said before, it isn't the people who will come now, realizing the teachings of Jesus, claiming to have the spirit of christ in them who will be the ones claiming to be christ... they are christ coming like the sun... they are the resurrected body of christ....
just to take a break and say that its now monday... I am on the bus back to Boston... and boy was it quite eventful... But I decided I would close out that last thought that I had to step away from yesterday. Yesterday morning, when I got up I wrote some of what I stepped away from here, but I had to respond to an email that my mom replied to after I sent her an email trying to illustrate to her whats going on... Me:
your tax dollars at work
http://www.infowars.com/shock-video-ukrainian-neo-nazis-nail-rebel-fighter-to-cross-burn-him-alive/
Her:
Give to Caesar what is Ceasar's. Protesting policies can be done in legal ways and not breaking laws.
Me:
mom i want you to stop citing that bible passage… you don’t understand what is being said because you haven’t read the bible… if you read the bible you would understand what he is saying...
I don’t hate you for not having the faith to realize that by following laws you can be doing stuff that is wrong or to correct what you know you are doing that is wrong… but don’t sit back and tell me that i shouldn’t do something because of what the bible says… its extremely offensive to yourself, to be so manipulative to pervert a quote from the bible to suit your own purposes.. Remember that jesus taught people about how they should pray, that it not be their own will that be done, but the will of their father who is in heaven. You have to see beyond your own suffering, your own pain, your own desires for the sake of what god wants… and if you think its blasphemous that i might know what god wants its because “the love of god is not in you.” If you read the book of john, it is pretty explicit about this.
So i will take the time to quickly point you in the true meaning of what was being said when he said “give unto caesar what is caesars, and unto God’s what is God’s.” What he is talking about is money in general… it was worded clever enough that someone, like the romans, who weren’t familiar with what Jesus taught, might take it that he is referring to taxes, because gods plan wasn’t that, prophecy had to be fulfilled about the jews rejection of their savior… “the stone that the builder refused”
"The Redeemer of Israel, their Holy One, To Him whom man (the world) despises, To Him whom the nation (Israel) abhors." (Isaiah 49:7)
"He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief." (Isaiah 53:3)
But he asked them whose image is on the coin and then said give unto caesar what is caesars, after they revealed that it was caesars. The quote was more talking about that we should let caesar keep his money and give our lives over to god, because we are god’s, we are the image of god…
Anyways, don’t take this the wrong way… i love you… but i just want you to see what i see… so you know, so you understand… We are supporting these people, for what? So we have a strategic ally in Russia. It’s the most bizarre thing. Is Russia beheading its own citizens… no… because its not about defending these people, its about people manipulating other people for their own purposes, for their own interests, business or otherwise, whether they have convinced themselves of otherwise or not.
also… even if this was some kind of Russian op for disinformation against us involvement in Ukraine, or maybe that’s what the US wants people to think, it doesn’t matter for whatever reason… look what we are doing to each other… look what our foreign policy is creating…. the one thing we know is true is that a man got crucified… people were beheaded.. it doesn’t matter if it was a bunch of spooks dressed up in turbans to try to manipulate public opinion for US involvement in the middle east… It doesn’t matter if they were some kind of elaborate productions and no one was beheaded… look what they are trying to get us to do to each other. 
I’d love to believe that people would elect a candidate to change things, but the reality is that the very existence of the government is what needs to change… the people have no faith to believe that. I don’t need to a elect a candidate to represent my view, my view is represented by simply not taking part in the system. When jesus was talking about the law not being written on tablets of dead stone, it’s because he was talking about the law being that of the heart, not some institution, religious or government. Fundamentally there is little difference. "12For as many as have sinned without law shall also perish without law: and as many as have sinned in the law shall be judged by the law; 13(For not the hearers of the law are just before God, but the doers of the law shall be justified. 14For when the Gentiles, which have not the law, do by nature the things contained in the law, these, having not the law, are a law unto themselves: 15Which shew the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and their thoughts the mean while accusing or else excusing one another;) 16In the day when God shall judge the secrets of men by Jesus Christ according to my gospel." - Romans 2
Anyways.. I have reconsidered, now i want you to do your part and just let it be.
…...
So that was that exchange yesterday... but this morning I woke up and found myself reading the bible passages to trh y and finish out that emial.. I wa looking for a quote to illustrate how the bible trys to tell us that the law is written on our hearts... not on some institution of men...
I found this though, and it was exemplary as to how the church that the government is hypocritical and really just acts as a giant ponzi scheme for everyone involved...
“17Behold, thou art called a Jew, and restest in the law, and makest thy boast of God, 18And knowest his will, and approvest the things that are more excellent, being instructed out of the law; 19And art confident that thou thyself art a guide of the blind, a light of them which are in darkness, 20An instructor of the foolish, a teacher of babes, which hast the form of knowledge and of the truth in the law. 21Thou therefore which teachest another, teachest thou not thyself? thou that preachest a man should not steal, dost thou steal? 22Thou that sayest a man should not commit adultery, dost thou commit adultery? thou that abhorrest idols, dost thou commit sacrilege? 23Thou that makest thy boast of the law, through breaking the law dishonourest thou God? 24For the name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles through you, as it is written.” - Romans 2
I thhought it applied in many ways... I read the whole chapter and just meditated on what it had to say... it was pretty crazy how it was applying to what I was going through. Then I found this quote...
“13And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. 14But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. 15Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. 16And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.” - Mark 10
It just upset me to see how much the government impedes us from receiving the kingdom of God, how much we do so to ourselves by going along with the laws that govern us... by not humbling ourselves, and instead thinking that we have it all worked out rather than to become little children and analyze anything... How other people will go out of their way to make it so other people don't here the word of God...
Just today, as I was talking to a man, standing holding my truthoppression.org sign in the port authority in the time that I had left waiting for my bus to arrive an officer came over and told me I had to pack it up... I was literally talking to a homeless man who was expressing to me his frustration with God, about how he got kicked out of a church earlier that morning, how he hadn't showered in 10 days. I was able to verify the veracity of his claim.
He initially came over and offered me a dollar to tie his shoe... I did after reassuring him that no dollar was needed. He told me to tie it nice and lose, and I could see that he needed medical treatment of some kind.. When I stood up he held out a dollar folded up with the all seeing eye on top of the pyramid facing out... I denied and told him not to worry about it...
he asked about my sign... I told him that its just about oppression... then he went on to tell me about how “they” stole everything from him and about how he was kicked out of the church...
I offered “sometimes we go through our trials to help perfect our faith....” He asked me if I had gone through it... maybe looking for some kind of glimmer of hope.. that I might somehow offer some inspiration to him....
I told him that I have gone through my own trials but know that my trials are ongoing, and the challenges I face grow larger and larger...
But this cop comes over and tells me that I can't stand there with a sign... off to the side.. out of the way... “do you have business here?”
I need to have business to be in the port authority...
I told him that I was waiting for my bus... to which he told me that I had to move along... I didn't put up a stink or whatever, it wasn't what I had set out to do at the time... Maybe because I was looking out for myself, I didn't want to get arrested, I wanted to get back to Boston, not miss my bus.. Maybe for another reason... Thats between me and my father who sees in secret...
The songs I had queued finished playing on my shoqbox...
I was on my way anyways...
Just before I set up my music and pulled out my sign I passed to national guardsmen patrolling the port authority... I went up and asked about what he was doing, he asked if I was recording and when I asked him if it was ok, he said no.
Just now I think to myself how its ok for the government to record and monitor everything about me, but the same cant be said for themselves... I think to myself how dangerous things are getting.. I knew that he was wrong and that legally and righteously there was no authority by which I had to submit to his command.... not request... but still it doesn't matter, the recording isn't what i'm after..
So I turned it off and he went on to answer my question, that he was working with homeland security... I asked if he was activated by the governor, and he said yes... When he realized he might say something that might not be entirely kosher he kindly directed me toward the office of public affairs, or in other words the black hole they send people to complete waste their time and not answer any questions...
Later after I was “dispersed” by the officer I passed a few more national guard's man walking around, I pulled out my camera and took a picture. I passed another cop and asked if it was legal for people to perform in the subway, he said that you need a permit...
I accepted his answer, in the sense that he told me what he did... but knew that there is no law that says you need a permit, I had seen a video on youtube about a street performer who confronted a cop who was trying to tell him that he had to leave... I saw the legislation...
But hey, these guys aren't being trained about law.. clearly some of these guys could give two shits about enforcing the law.... its plainly about intimidation.... had I been standing there by myself looking at my phone it would have been a different story, but instead I had something to say... I couldn’t stand there with my sign...
“14But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God...”
This morning, as I was reading the bible and writing, my friends girlfriend comes out of his room and sees me lying there on my lap top... it was early, the sun was just coming up and she was surprised to see me awake...
Yesterday myself, her and my friend all hung out together. We discussed some pretty intense subjects as the day went on... After I related some subject that we were talking about to what the bible said...
He went on to say the usual “but the bible was written by men...”
I went on trying to explain to him that what jesus actually taught was that the kingdom of god is within, that you are gods, that he didn't want people to worship god in veign, that they need not attend any church to worship god... I tried to explain that the core teachings of the bible are about humbling the self to reveal the true self... to submit yourself to something greater...
He went on to relate how he can see how religions about the self can be “healthy for a lot of people.” I perceived that he thought it was for some weaker minded people, weaker willed people that needed some kind of psychological relief...
On Saturday, when I was on the train back to my friend's place after hanging out at another friend of ours' place in downtown Brooklyn, I was talking with one of my friends about how the world is falling apart... both he and my other friend at different points tried to convince me that the world operates on the basis of self interest, they seemed convinced that there could be no other way, that it was justifiable, yet numerous times they got pissed off that someone was just standing on the stairs, or that someone just cut them off, that they had to repeat themselves...
I try to make them aware in a non-offensive way that their own selfishness is inhibiting them from realizing any circumstances that may be contributing to others acting selfishly...
I try to explain how people who perceive that you gotta look out for number 1 in this dog eat dog world consequently create that reality with how they act... they fear getting taken advantage of “getting walked all over...”
“I would try and be nice, but then they see weakness, and take advantage of it so I have to tweak out... then they realize... 'oh shit what did I just do' haha … a whack upside the head isn't the deterrent... its the fear of the whack upside the head...”
….
“ohh misty eyyyyyeeee of the mountain belowwwwww.... keep careful watch of my brotehrs souls.... and if the sky should be filled with fire and smoke.... keep watching over durin's sons....
If this is to end in fire... than we should all burn together... watch the flames climb high.. into the night... calling out “father oh... stand by and we will watch the flames burn auburn on the mountainside... hiighhh
and if we should die tonight, than we should all die together.... raise a glass of wiiiiine, for the last time... calling out “father ooo, prepare as we will... watch the flames burn auburn on the mountain side... desolation comes upon the skyyyyy....
now I see fire.. inside the mountain.... I see fire... burning the trees.. I see fire, hollowing souls... I see fiiiiiiireee, blood in the breeze... and I hope that you remember me...
well should my people fall,, then surly ill do the same... confined in mountain halls, we got to close to the flame.... calling out “father oooo, hold fast and we will watch the flames burn auburn ooon the mountain side.... desolation comes upon the sky....
now I see fire... inside the mountain... I see fire.... burning the trees... I see fire hollowing souls...... I see fiiiiiiiire, blood in the breeze... and I hope that you remember me....
and if the night is burning... I will cover my eyes... for if the dark returns then my brothers will die... and as the sky is falling down it crashed into this lonely town and with that shadow upon the ground I hear my people screaming out....
I see fire... inside the mountains... I see fire... burning the trees yeah.... I see fiiiiiiiiire.. hollowing souls..... I see fiiiiiiiiire... blood in the breeze....
I see fire... oh you know I saw a citty burning out.... I see fire... feel the heat upon my skiiiin.... I see fire.... whoooo hooooo hoooooo..... I see fire burning on the mountain side....”
...
“this is my winter song to you.. the storm is coming soon... it rolls in from the sea...
my voice a beacon in the night, my words will be your light, to carry you to me...
is love alive... is love alive... is love...?
they say that things just cannot grow, beneath the winter snow, or so I have been told....
they say we're buried far, just like a distant star I simply cannot hold...
is love alive... is love alive... is love alive...?
This is my winter song... december never felt so wrong... cus you're not where you belong... inside my arms...
I still believe in summer days, the seasons always change, and life will find a way...
I'll be your harvester of light, and send it out tonight, so we can start again...
is love alive... is love alive... is love alive...?
This is my winter song..... december never felt so wrong... cus you're not where you belong... inside my arms....
this is my winter song to you... the storm is coming soon.. it rolls in from the sea... my love a beacon in the night... my words will be your light to carry you to me....
is love alive... is love alive... is love alive... is love alive....? is love alive....? is love alive....? is love alive....? is love alive....? is love alive....? is love alive....? is love alive....? is love alive....? is love alive....? is love alive....? is love alive....? is love alive....?”
….
“Obi fam.. nah mean.. with the marley's kid...
GUILTINESS... rest on their conscience... oh yeahh... oh yeah...”
“ MY lover's got a human... she's the giggle at a funeral.. everybody's dissaprooved her... only heaven i'll be sent to.. is when I'm alone with you....
But on the ride out to the mountain he and his girlfriend were debating about if people are born a certain way, they would go back and forth to the point that they were contradicting themselves... I just sat and listened....
When it was over they both remarked how tired they were...
They were debating more specifically if people were born good or evil...
It's pretty difficult to discern seeing as how baby's cant express much... its true that there are personalities that baby's display
He would try to first illustrate that there is no such thing as good and evil, and that good and evil is more or less defined by cultural/social norms or what is widely accepted.
“Woe to those who call good evil and evil good..”
The argument concluded in such a way that made it seem like she had lost and he had one... I felt bad that he had made her doubt what she knew was true in her heart but was unable to express, getting sucked into a circular argument that really didn't prove anything...
“we aren't anything but a collection of different memories.. people aren't born good or evil... its everything that is learned... he was trying to say that good and evil are something learned from society, from the government”
I reminded him that society is a reflection of the individual... he aggreed...
What he failed to recognize is that someone, something is teaching us. I remind him that it is only through our knowledge of good and evil that the law comes into effect... he tries to say that the law, the government is just a manifestation of everyone negotiating for them-self... negotiations of the self... which isn't too far from the truth...
But government as an institution, to which most people would give the word meaning, is ultimately the result of men in office negotiating for the selves that they represent... that they think they represent... maybe just for their own self... maybe they do actually represent the selves of what people think is the self, but is that even true, would that be right.
I think of journalism.... how its essentially dead, and its partly because of ratings, and people just giving in to what people want... or what they convince themselves that they want... or what people convince them they want.... but do they know what they want... really?
if only he understood... babies learn themselves... I can learn things.... without having anyone teach me... its part of being human... that ability is engrained in us... Knowledge... our ability to create knowledge... to derive meaning...
but what is knowledge? Do we create knowledge or do we discover, do we observe? Our ability to give something meaning, does that actually exist? That meaning, we create?
I don't think we do.. I don’t think we create that meaning... I know we dont create knowledge... in fact I know we create nothing.... we only realize things... we manipulate things... but we create nothing... we can realize truth or we can believe lies...
A while back a Panera Bread truck past our bus and the side of it read “live consciously”... “baked fresh at sunrise... donated at sunset...”
“Live consciously.” Do they know what they mean? Consciousness...
I was playing a video game a couple weeks ago spamming my website, and in one game there was this older guy playing in the same game.. he was spouting off all sorts of stuff about the world... barely taking the time to stop and reconsider his own conclusions or what he was saying... I forget most of everything he said.. I just remember two thigns... tehre was this one kid who was listening and playing the game who would say “i agrree” to everything he said, as a joke... and I remember one thing that the evangelist said was about George washington, how he supposedly admitted to not being an intellectual.... I remember thinking afer eharing that, how could one be an intellectual while also considering themselves as such..
I just feel like so ofeten our own hubris gets the best of us and we fail to see the things something within us is calling out for us to change...
I think about the passage in the bible when jesus criticizes how the pharisees search the bible looking for the code to eternal life.. because they are aware of secrets of the past, they are the “keepers of knowledge.” He criticizes that while looking for leternal life they put faith in themselves, in technology and tools they “create” or manipulate, rather than faith in god;in a greater self; in life eternal.
Forgot to say that it is now tuesday... when I got into boston, I decided to stop by the grocery store, and I had to clean my apratment and I decided that I would go to yoga. After which, I went out with a friend for tea before she left for her european excursion today. We had an interesting discussion, we talked about her trip, and talked about her plans... one thing led to another. She asked about my plans after I told her I planned on traveling around the united states... probably start by going south, we talked about how she was doing research in the south in college collecting lizards for science when two cops came over and said that they had to get in their car and leave, drawing reference to the fact that there still is a lot of racism in the south and that her professor was an intelligent professor from harvard... I wanted to say something about how racism is everywhere but I let that one be...
She explained how they thought they were fishing, and that wanted them out of there because they needed a license to fish, they had thought they were fishing because of the nets they had that they used to catch the lizards. She had interpreted that they wanted them out of there because the professor she was doing field research with was a black harvard professor. Maybe it was true, but I went on to express how terrible the government is in a lot of cases, telling people that they can't fish without a licence, which is justified because of over phishing and maintaing the ecosystem....
I think to myself, “look what we have done to ourselves, we have completely removed ourselves from the rest of existence, as if we aren't a part of the habitat... we have removed ourselves and boasted about our accomplishments with our buildings and temples, our technology...
Just this morning I watched a video of alex jones criticizing, and warning of, a “technocratic elite” who are hell bent on culling the world population to make a more manageable population under the guise of sustainability, collectivism...
http://www.infowars.com/the-ultimate-threat-to-humanity-is-looking-at-us-in-the-mirror/
He was trying to make the case for the individual, that its not only about the collective, that the individual matters... to which I wasn't inclined to disagree...
I mean these discussions are happening in back rooms, beyond the realm of public debate... why? Because the public doesn't know whats best? Because other's know what's best for the public...?
It's all fucked... I tried to illustrate to my friend how sick it was that people just can't go out and survive without oppression by a government which has laid claim to everything, and that if it isn't the government than its private “individuals” or corporations... people trying to lay claim, ownership of something... She tries to tell me not to give up... as if I was giving up by not paying taxes... that one person can accomplish a lot in government..
I used to think like her... that I might be able to work within the system to change it... but the laws of the system, the design of the system depends on exactly that mentality... I realized that I am trying to fix a system thats premise exists solely on something that isn't real... perception... fear...
When I was in New York, when I was hanging out with my two friends, each of them on separate occasions, apart from each other remarked how you can't trust anyone...
When I was leaving on the subway form new york city my friend told me the lines I had to take and I wrote them down on my phone... when I had gotten on the train I tried to pull out exactly what I wrote down... I remembered what I had written, but I didn't trust myself...
I stood there on the subway car fumbling around with my phone trying to figure out how to open up the application that houses the notes that I write down... it had recently changed the operating system and the design, and how I used to do it got merged with another application and the widget on my phone no longer existed....
I stood there in the subway car, looking at everyone in their own world... I was thinking about a story my friends girlfriend related to me about how on new years, in new york city everyone in the subway was like talking to each other, being super friendly and what not... and now everyone had their head down reading a book, ear buds in, headphones on...
I see there is this young black guy on the train standing there not too invested in his own world so I ask him if I had missed the stop that I thought I remembered him telling me I first had to get off to change over to a different line... he said he didn't think so, and he asked his friend who who was standing there with his headphones on to make sure, which his friend confirmed was accurate. So I thanked them... they gave me a nod and a smile and went back to blending in... the
“No more thieves I believe in the goodness of heart..... in the end....in the end.. all my firiends... return them in in love... in the end all my friends return them in love... way up on the mountain..”
See sometimes I find myself questioning my conclusions about the government, about whether or not it is a requisite... I found myself thinking about it there on that train... I made a promise to my mom that I would reconsider... so I do, constantly.
But every time I do, every time I consider the evils of the world and how we can protect ourselves, protect our treasures from thieves, I come back to the same thing; I see the good in the world, the truth. I don't fall for the trap of thinking that everyone is out there looking to get some advantage over another, I don't fall for the trap that they are getting an advantage over me.... I come back to the truth...
As I pulled into the main bus terminal in providence, on my way back to Boston, I looked over at this young girl sitting across the aisle, next to me. Her eyes gazed out across a sprawling grave yard... I saw her mind thinking about all of those dead people, about death, “what's next... life?”
I remember last night my friend was trying to use healthcare as justification for government, how when people get airlifted and operated on after some accident it enables them to pay for it... “What would you do without that?” I tell her that everybody has to die some time, but she looks at me like I am crazy, like I am blasphemous, like I was giving up...
“39Search the scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me. 40And ye will not come to me, that ye might have life. 41I receive not honour from men. 42But I know you, that ye have not the love of God in you. 43I am come in my Father's name, and ye receive me not: if another shall come in his own name, him ye will receive. 44How can ye believe, which receive honour one of another, and seek not the honour that cometh from God only? 45Do not think that I will accuse you to the Father: there is one that accuseth you, even Moses, in whom ye trust. 46For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. 47But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?” - John 5
In a sense I am... I am submitting myself to something greater, and me giving my love to that something greater that is within... that is without... I find my life... my health care...
I could see her thinking, well thats great, but wose gonna pay the hospitals, whose gonna pay the doctors, how are these doctors going to pay their bills.. their loans...
what a fucking racket....
Well to you people who gave out these loans... when you come and try and collect... you wont collect anything from me... you can keep your debt... you bet wrong..... you chose wrong... the love of god is not in you...
“its the god that heroin prays to... it feels good.. girl it feels good.... oh to be alone with you...”
I told my friend that I wanted to just go out and live because I disagreed with how we live our lives at a the most fundamental level... I felt bad for her because to her it wasn't possible that a world could exist without governments... She thought that I was giving up on the world... She didn't understand that was the exact opposite from what I was doing in reality...
If I was giving up I would go get a job in the military, I would go get a job in journalism, I would pay my taxes, I would get in line....
I tried to illustrate to her that throughout history every single government that comes into existent comes into existence by the consent of the governed to be governed with the ultimate reason for its existence being fear... That the governments, using that fear as justification for its existence, become a tool, a means by which the few oppress the many, a mechanism to get leverage...
I tried to make her see how knowledge is not the answer, that faith in men, in science will only lead to a life of distraction from the solution, the truth.... I reference the story of genesis as an analogy about the fractal, infinite nature of nature, of the universe, of knowledge... about the analogy of that story about the tree of life... I try to make her see... but she can't accept it... its just a story...
I try to make her realize that our ancestors weren't as dumb as we are made to think, that they weren’t as savage as society tries to depict... I tell her about the evidence of advanced human civilizations in the past...
I see that she just thinks I am just some brainwashed person who spends all of his time obsessed with conspiracies on youtube...
At one point she makes a remark about how people weren’t meant to be alone, about how solitude breeds mental illness...
After I tell her that that isn't necessarily true... I try to explain to her no a secular way so her eyes don't glaze over.... but my I know that she is not ready.. its not her time.... She doesn't see that I am not alone... she doesn't see that she is never alone... She doesn’t see herself, she sees who she is made to think is her self...
I was thinking about how I haven't wrote about sexual content or exploits, about dating... how much that would disappoint people... how people will likely think how fake my writing has become...
I found myself questioning whether, now after having given out my blog to people I know if I am censoring myself, trying to project someone who I am not.. I see who I am made to think is myself....
….
Shit...
….
I still lose sight of who I am, caught up in who the world tells me I am... Who I tell myself I am...
...
But a few weeks ago, realizing what I needed to do, what was right, I prayed that god would help to curb my sexual appetites.... my selfish attributes and desires.... While I still look at woman and see her beauty, its no longer in a lustful way. Its more of the same way I can admire another man as a good looking guy... When I was on the internet, I found myself checking out some stuff on the internet, I saw that amber rose was trending on yahoo and I decided to click it, there was some news about her and I clicked on one of the articles, there was a video of her being interviewed in a pool in a bikini... I thought at first that I was doing this because I was doubting my sexuality – a notion was quickly dismissed when I got an erection – the difference this time being that I used my will, the spirit, to temper any physical impulses... but I went on watching.
I tried to find the link to the video but was unable to. It was these two black girls talking with Amber Rose in the pool... scantly clad, amber rose was talking with them about …
wait never mind... just found it...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQWfw4uO-_0
It was weird... seeing them talk... they are supposedly comfortable with their bodies and what not, but I could tell by their body language, they were insecure, they weren't comfortable in their own skin.. they weren't genuine... sure they were being filmed by some reality tv show... but the
Looking back, I think maybe it was my body knowing what my mind needed...
its a new day... gotta get back to work pretty soon... its wednesday... but I will try and get through what this new york city trip, the highlights, and everything else that I wanted to get through....
This morning when I was lying in bed still half asleep, I found myself singing in my head “honey just put your sweet lips on my lips, we should just kiss like real people do...” “I fall in love just a little ol' little bit Every day with someone new.... love with every stranger.. the stranger the better...”
Last night, one of the first tables I was aiting on were this middle to older aged couple... both wearing their knit sweaters... they got to talking with me, they wre struck by something, something that I did, they attributed it to the wine that I poured them, the information I carried and cared enough to relay.. but they started talking to me... they said I should go off and start my own business.. my own restaurants... saying that boston is dieing for some good food...
They were “entrepreneurs” who started their own art business... but they offered freely some of their own advice... as a matter of fact I remember when i woke up on sunday morning and started talking to my friend and his girlfriend, somehow we got to talking about taking risks, about only living once... “you could die tomorrow” they would say after we got to talking about their travels, past and future and how I would love to see other places but never manage to get out and do so.. about how it would be nice to see all of those places...
He was trying to convince me to come visit him in july in France. He has rented an apartment for a month in paris... he said the flights are pretty cheap...
I told them how I have alawys longed to see the country side of France, Scotland and Ireland... of America...
“I have never been outside of northeastern america, outside of going to Spain for my sister's wedding...”
I didn't say anything of value after they said “you could die tomorrow....” I just nodded, sighed and said “yeah...” but inwardly I remember thinking to myself “all the more reason I should try and make every moment count... not spend my time trying to get some future place, to realize that I am at a place... how I should spend whatever life I have left loving everyone every day, kissing like real people do... Not getting distracted with some meaningless objective...
she joked that it was his pick up play... I laughed but said no... thats really how he is... we got to talking about working out and taking care of yourself... he said that he had just recently got into the gym after he realized that soon there's going to be a time when his muscle wont be able to regenerate...
I said something along the lines that “yeah... I definitely think that taking care of your body is important, but if anything I think that serves a reminder for me that I should make time for things outside of just taking care of my body...
I am not sure he caught on to what I was referencing... I think it was pretty overt...
But they were trying to tell me not to fear.... in this case it was for myself, so I could see what I have longed to see... in the case last night it was this really nice couple seeing that I had potential for something in me that made them sad seeing it what was in their minds being wasted as a server... they wanted it to be realized for myself... as a successful entrepreneur... part of me would love to start a business... And maybe one day I will...
But I thought to myself this advice they're giving me... its great... I am being spurred on by wisdom that isn't realized to its fullest potential.. That is barred by self interests... I told them that I had given the whole web-development thing a shot, but curtailed any further explanation by just saying that it didn't really work out...
They were giving me advice about how to make my business succeed... why now.. while I am young... it is a good time to take risks... because I can always bounce back... where as if I was their age... with other responsibilities.. potentially kids and what not... it is a lot harder to take risks... I sympathized...
….
On my last night in NYC I went to this Nepalese, hole in the wall restaurant in Brooklyn that was amazing... I looked about at the different things they had on the walls, some of which were placards of quotes from the Dhali Llama... One was an observance he made about life, something that I noted I had thought about before ever having read that he had said it... isn't that funny how that works... truth...
….
It was about how we come into this world dependent and as we make our way starting to leave it, we are dependent on each other... why is it we lose sight of our dependency on each other mid way through our lives...?
Another one was about never giving up... about developing the heart... at least thats what I think it was about... thats what I found as I searched for quotes on the internet about not giving up by the Dhali Llama.... The restaurant was Cafe Tibet, I think i'll have to make a return there at one point... But I am going to go with my instincts and say that it was that... I seem to remember it was about not giving up...
We chose to go there in honor of the Nepalese earthquake victims....
just last night,when I was leaving for work, I went downstairs with one of the cooks who I had discovered had gone through some tough times... I think he said he was from Bolivia, but he had found “shamanism” as an outlet for him, to help save him from himself and the downward spiral he found himself in his depression... when I had gotten to the restaurant the night before lsat I discovered this about him... He was leaving and talking to some of the other people that worked there about Iowaska...
So yesterday at work I saw him, we got to talking about how DMT, or the chemical compound found in Iowaska is found in the pineal gland naturally... he denied that this was fact... that it's inconclusive as to whether or not... later I saw him again I said you should try yoga... he was telling me how he was thinking about walking across the country so that he could quit smoking.. I told him that he didn't need to leave to quit his dependency...
I tell myself now, I don't need to leave to quit my dependency on things in my own life.. I later gave him the address to my blog because I saw in him his frustration, I wanted to give him the key to strength... To crush him into pieces and build him back up... I wanted to offer my own struggles as a stepping stone, as validation that he isn't alone... I want him to know the truth... that people care.. they just don't know the way to go about it doing anything... they have no channels in government... they don't understand the problem... they see the symptoms, but don't see the cause..They treat the symptoms but not the cause...
But as we packed up to get ready to leave last night, he expressed to me his frustration with America, how frustrating it is that we are so wrapped up in things... I sympathized with his frustration... seeing all the stuff in the world and feeling helpless as to being able to do anything about it...
I wanted to tell him the truth then and there...
He referenced the Armenian Genocide and how frustrating it is that politics manage to interfere with the actual recognition of what happened over 100 years ago... he talked about his frustration that American culture is all gathered around their TVs devoting all of their attention Bruce Jenner as there is a massive earthquake in Nepal that has killed thousands...
As he said that I think about how I spent saturday night... in this apartment in downtown brooklyn, many floors up... they decided they wanted to watch the interview with bruce jenner... I was exhausted and tired... and as much as it bored me literally made me fall asleep... when my buddy noticed I was dozing off sitting up in this kitchen stool leaned over on the counter with my arm propping up my head... He said something like “what do you think about this” and I jolted awake and said “well I think its interesting... its an interesting expose about how we all go about or lives lying to ourselves about something..” And if there is anything that interview served, it was that, I thought to myself as he expressed his frustration...
Earlier that night, in NYC, we were up on the roof and playing this game where you toss been bags into a hole in this ramp... as we did a girl that was with another group up on the roof of the building walked over and told us how good she was at the game, that she played in some kind of league.. We offered her a few throws and after she threw all of the bags she had walked over to me and told me that she had lost a bet and offered me to go downstairs to the party they were having down stairs for a blow job...
Just the night before I was out with my other friend and his girlfriend at a burger joint and they proceeded to make it seem like I was crazy for not wanting to drink fluoridated water or thinking that vaccines weakened immune systems and could potentially be linked to modern diseases like autism... they made the argument that the only reason autism exists in the numbers it does today is because there were no official diagnoses, people didn't know what it was so they couldn’t officially count it as autism …. It sounded plausible to someone in denial of what they know is true...
“I'm carrie D, I've had severe to moderate plaque psoriasis most of my life, but that hasn't stopped me from modeling...”
Ive heard that consistently as I have meandered youtube for the past week and I find myself thinking about it many times over the past few days, one of which times is right now as I talk about how my friend refused to accept the possibility the vaccines could be harmful in anyway, that consuming fluoride in tap water might be harmful in anyway... how sometimes we develop an illness because of something we know isn't entirely right, but we put our faith in the men, and not in God... we don't live in our hearts...
Sure this woman modeling may not be causing her psoriasis, but because she models, because she subjects herself to look and be what other people want her to look like, to look how she thinks other people want her to look like, what is she doing to appease that perception rather than confront the perception as the lie that it actually is... putting on a bunch of skin cream, makeup with a bunch of chemicals and garbage... for her career... which amounts to what?
….
But after or before the burger joint on friday, I mentioned how some women were googling at some guy reminded me of the hypocritical nature of the cat calls video that was made in New York, and how the message behind it is promoting a society where everyone is withdrawn and afraid to express love and appreciation out of fear of what may be perceived wrong, they avoid reaching out and talk to someone about something real, living something real, loving.
His girlfriend went on to say that she can't walk around the city without being “harassed.” We walked around the city that day and no one manged to cat call her that I saw.. I made a point of making her aware that I managed to get “harrassed” by this girl on the roof after it happened, half joking but half trying to make her aware that
When we met up with my friends brother on saturday, as we walked, after I asked him what documentary he was watching that morning, he told me it was some documentary exposing the food crisis in America, about how terrible sugar is, about how its in everything and how we are all addicted... how terrible the food is that people consume in America, about the epidemic of obesity. I told him about how terrible the Michelle Obama school lunch program has been, I told him about studies I had seen that found that eating to much sugar creates an environment where cancer can more easily develop... we walked by the beer garden on our way to the brass monkey and it sounded like hell.... there was just tons of people talking in this extremely dense space...
But we got to talking about how terrible it is that the FDA, EPA and other government agencies approve all of this terrible shit to go down, for people to consume because the lobbyists for the big businesses that produce the genetically modifieds, and processed foods with the use of terrible chemical preservatives and what not; why its a major reason why government is broken...
When I was down in NYC walking around central park, waiting to meet up with the other friend I was visiting – we had decided to walk around central park so we could meet up with the other friend I was visiting, instead of going up to the mountain for a hike – my friend revealed something to me that he never told me before... he told me how at one point he was homeless in NYC, sleeping in shelters and in Central park... I was shocked that he never told me this before... He was gone for a while... I remember when it happened... he just kind of disappeared... I'm not sure what exactly prompted him to do it... but he said that he had learned that there are only a few different kind of people that are homeless.. people that fall on hard times financially, lazy people who can't hack it in the system, they have been institutionalized their whole life and are more comfortable getting taken care of, there are the drug addicts, and then there are the mentally deranged.
That was it... after he said that I considered myself... if I fit into any of those categories... I concluded that I didn't but I let it be...
I had told him that I was planning on not paying taxes... he advised against it, that I would end up in prison or at least that it would have terrible repercussions. I nodded, and made it seem like I was reconsidering... this was saturday morning... I knew he would not hear what I had to say... I mean later the next day on our trip to the mountains he didn't really hear what I had to say.... I mean he heard but he didn't listen... He shrugged it off as psychological cognitive relief... “so will's found god” he said earlier when he saw the cross I wore...
On the car ride to the mountain he tried to say that the puritans weren't all about Jesus and that they were more about God, he expressed how he didn't understand this recent obsession with Jesus...
I thought to myself, even though he says he has read the bible before, I don't think he ever truly did, I don't think he understands the idea that Jesus was God... maybe I misunderstood him... but he seemed to resent Jesus in some way... He seemed to resent Christianity as though it was responsible for the religious wars and other things that would be apparently wrong..
After he tried telling me that the American revolution couldn't have possibly been a staged event, or an event that was propagated by a few individuals playing off people's fears, he went on to try and tell me that the entire tea party and the reasons that were cited for the event didn't exist... there was no increased tax on tea... he tried to make it seem like what we were taught in our schools was wrong... That the tea act didn't actually increase the price of tea for the colonists... I Let that one go... And went on to explain that in the declaration of independence they list all of the grievances they had... I tried to explain to him that they had sent a letter asking for terms of peace but he king said “kill them all” and they were forced to confront a very limited scope of what they could do... they were forced to choose between leaving their homes, families and friends in exile, face the firing squad, or fight...
Pretty tough... I felt bad for him... because he was being systematically conditioned to not be able to know what was true... I mean he was trying to tell me that the reasons cited for the declaration if independence only came after an unwarranted escalation of tensions by the colonists... that they were in fact really protesting nothing...
In the car ride he made the point that in society people make their decisions based on themselves, then their families, then their friends, than the greater world at large: the species. It seemed reasonable, and I wouldn't be inclined to disagree, but I don't think that it is natural that people think this way, I think they are conditioned to think a certain way when it comes to how they operate... the system depends on that.. on that perspective...
Frequently I find myself getting the urge to do some selfish thing, I often question as to whether or not when I do yoga am I just being selfish and doing this to enhance my body so I can attract more women that like in shape men, so I can have more sex, make more attractive babies that will in turn have an easier time making babies in the future because of the attractiveness of their two parents, and consequently carry on my genetic code..
for fucks sake... do we actually believe that garbage? I know thats what they teach in schools but for real, do we buy that?
“Oh well you may not buy it but your subconscious does...” You can fuck off sir...
Just yesterday someone at work was talking about how his wife has MS and that it is rare you see men with MS and that it is mostly women of european decent that get MS. Somebody asked why, and I said the most logical explanation that anyone could offer but it was just ignored: that white women probably do something socially more often that others don't in modern society, consuming something terrible for them or something like that, maybe they use a certain makeup or some certain unnatural product that society makes them think they need.... that they convince themselves they need... that someone subliminally convinces them that they need.... and no one questions it because they have the utmost faith that the government is there protecting them from the harmful things in society... instead they contribute it to the most religiously scientific dogma that it is just genes as to why they got it....
It frustrates me so much that people are so quick to point out the lapses in logic and hypocritical aspects of religions but when it comes to science their critical thinking mind just shuts off, to say something against what high priests of science have decreed and propagated as fact, as truth, is the most blasphemous thing anyone can say and society and your immediately set as an outcast...
I try to make people aware about the dangers of the medical institutions, and the government institutions, how they are all controlled by a hand full of individuals who can be more easily targeted and vulnerable to temptations by lobbyists in the form of bribery, or by others with other means... How for the most part, everyone is just a bunch of repeaters, and the obstacles that need to be overcome for an individual who exercises free thought, which frequently contradicts the status quo, are great and daunting, and the consequences so often detrimental to the individual, so often threatening to destroy his or her career or sometimes even jail time or worse.
Just yesterday I watched a video of an interview by the Guardian with Snowden...
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Its the prime example of how the truth of how our government operates is considered taboo, top secret, and confidential. It shows how debased and bastardized the concept of National Security has become... In the interview he comments on different things about how the surveillance state operates, the ethical questions... but the most shocking thing to me was the fact that this man was not being afforded the rights he has as an American to due process of law... Everyone now is an “enemy combatant” or everything is a matter of “national security” or illegal because of confidentiality agreements... fuck that...
So he wont be tried by a jury of his peers, instead he'll be tried by a military tribunal who are under direct control of the people who are bringing the charges... If there ever was a case of the fox guarding the hen house this would be it....
And its constantly individuals who are confronted with these great pressures, threatened..... But to overcome these threats the individual must realize that the individual is just what the threat wants you to believe you are... It depends on the fact that you don't explore the truth about nature, the truth about God... Ashes to ashes... dust to dust...
Its next to impossible to overcome the temptations of the ego, and the systems that have evolved from it, if you don't first recognize that you are not alone and that there is something more to you than just the sum of experience and memories; something more to you than just the physical body and the brain that it houses... But science doesn't want to entertain this concept, because it would undermine its authority... the laws it decrees...
No one wants to admit the fear that is imprisoning our society, our minds... I mean when I was leaving NYC there are literally troops patrolling as police.... “If you see something suspicious, say something” Signs were hung on the walls, audio recordings playing over the speakers... They have effectively legislated away any rights we have, and by who's authority...? At what point did my humanity cease to exist...? You think because you got two thirds vote or whatever the fuck that it is legal? Because you were able to squirrel your way through and leverage the system into a position favorable to yourself.... ?
HA....
I remember shaking my head as I walked around NYC and saw that all the new taxis were Toyotas, at least from what I could tell...
it made me think to what is coming to head, what is inevitable if we don't change how we view ourselves in the world....
Some people are convinced that the solution is going to other planets, expanding, absorbing …
When people eventually realize the truth... what's going to happen with this corporate conglomerate we've created that is the human race is that some corporate “cost cutter” is going to go through and start chincing away at the fat, or what they think is fat... They will turn into a parasite, into the Mr. Smiths of the world, viewing humanity as a disease... thinking they need to cull the population, introduce wolves into the habitat to help keep the numbers in control and maintain a balanced ecosystem... to help keep their hands clean...
"The funny thing is, and I appreciate your point of view, things that you said five, seven years ago or things you said in an interview that made sense to you at the time, I could pick that apart for two hours and be no closer to the truth than I'd be giving you some half-ass answer right now. I couldn't even really tell you what a liberal is. So therein lies the answer to your question."
Robert Downey Jr. said that in an interview a day or two before I left for NYC, and it stuck with me... not because of what he was talking about, but the nature of truth, how complex and difficult it can be to articulate but how easy it is to know...
Everyday I try to channel the truth, to live in my heart, to be compassionate... Boy was he right when he advised us not to worry about tomorrow, that the evils of the day are sufficient thereof...
I grow tired trying to articulate... I just want to do what I know I should do... I just want to live...
can I live?
….
Yesterday in yoga.... I found myself thinking about the dream I had the night before... which entertained myself being homeless... I was hesitant to head out into the wild, I remember....
I thought how Jesus said “the son of man has no place to rest his head...” while in Yoga.... how society doesn't want me... they want my body, but they don't want who I am, they want me to be someone I'm not.... my own family... the government... my friends... they all want me to toe the line...
I dream about being able to live, going off the grid, being out in nature, just living a very humble existence, with nature, maybe thoughts of a family trickle in, raising kids, telling them stories, teaching them about God... settling in, warming up around a fire...
stories...
Just yesterday I told myself a story about getting a dog and a horse and just riding in the hills...
Two days ago I told the busser who calls me slave, and who I call slave as well, that from now on we are “hombres libre.” He tried calling me slave again yesterday, but I corrected him...
I worry often if I will have the strength to stay the course, to stay to what I know is true, to not fall to temptations... I like the idea of going out into the wild and just living in the garden of God's love, but before I do I know that I have to make a concerted effort to tell people about it... about the truth... that they too can go and live in that garden... to tell them about the Father, about the Son.....
“25At that time Jesus answered and said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. 26Even so, Father: for so it seemed good in thy sight. 27All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him.
28Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
And when I worry as to whether or not I will have the strength, I will take comfort in the fact that his yoke is easy, his burden light.
When I was down in NYC I stopped by this cool t shirt story that I think was on broadway or some place nearby it... It was called “Create.” It was a cool concept, you go in and browse different shirts and different esigns and essentially pick out what you want and build your own custom shirt... youu “create”... All weekend I had been seeing skulls, symbols of death, I even saw one my first day back at work, in the shirt a coworker was wearing... when I was in there they had all of these different deisgns, one of which was a skull on there... it really drew me in... it was a fascinating design... but something had caught my eye earlier... When the girl working there asked if there was something I saw that I liked I thought about it for a minute... what did I want to create...
The skull was cool... there were some other designs of a skull with a biggie crown on it, there was one with the statue of liberty holding a gun...
But something I had seen, I sad there was a design that just said create on it... she pointed out some... but none of them were the one that I saw that I decieded I wanted...
Then I spotted it... all the way at the bottom.. in the corner.. there was a design that said “cre . ate” like a dictionary, like the word... I chose the word... that was what I wanted to create... I chose to put it ona white tank top... the people there were really nice... They tried to get my buddy that was there to buy something, but he said he was good.. and when I asked if he had gotten anything when we left he pretty much sai that it was too expensive for a shirt... I paid 30 bucks for mine...
Maybe we got swindled into buying something we didnt need... after all there was very little functionality to the shirt that I got...
When we left I walked out on to the sidewalk and put it on... warning my friends to “overt their eyes if they value their eye sight” joking about my pale appearance...
“You need to get some son man...” I didn't disagree...
….
later that day we went to that beer hall at brass monkey... we eventually waited a while to get to the roof... when we finally made it it was kind of funny and sad to see... after my friends brother made me feel guilty for not having a drink, I was up there talking to them... observing... this cross section of society.. its funny how in the city people fall into these cross sections that make us feel comfortable with what we're doing....
just now I wonder if there will ever be a cross section for me.... Likely not...
I have no delusions.. I know that I am what the Government views as the number one threat, I and people who have a similar philosophy, people who believe in the good in people, people who trust in the Good are the number one enemy... people who think that there is no rule of law but that of what God demands...
No the government will never admit that a follower of christ is the number one threat in America, a country where over 80 percent of the people are christian... They don't mind those christians because they view them as just another group of people waiting to coaxed into a certain action by religious leaders.... they know that relgion has served as that purpose for much of known history...
Religion is useful to them... but I follow christ.. I follow the truth... and religion isn't sonomous with truth.... christ is... “the way, the truth, and the life...”
You think that I am lying about our government... that it doesn’t care about truth? I just watched a clip of Alex Jones interviewing Bill Binney... in the beginning they showed a bunch of Government officials testifying before congress, lying to congress, about the NSA surveillance and other activities... Reasons likely cited being national security...
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Well the secrets out and the Security of the nation hasn't suffered... or at least it hasn't yet...
I can see whats happening now, and maybe they were right, that the government as it exists will ultimately be destroyed because of their own policies that they did to keep the public safe...
But the truth is obvious... the truth is that the government doesn't care about the truth... it thrives on secrecy... It depends on the fact that you don't know anything about its operations....
A clip of Barack Obama has stuck with me, it was striking to have public official come out and admit it, at least it was for me at the time... I don't think they understand...
Isn't that funny.... ironic... in the majority of the cases we are all out here thinking that each other don't understand, that people who hold the opposing views don't grasp it...
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what was striking about it was because he was right.... for sure people who don't believe in god or anything beyond themselves would hardly be ready to follow moral and philosophical teachings in a book associated with religions that have committed terrible acts throughout history... But he was right because how many people who call themselves christians really follow what christ teaches....
I was walking around yesterday... and I was thinking how alone i'll be out in the world... how there wont be any cross section for me... I walk by all of these people just unwittingly going along with something because their lives are all fine, out of sight out of mind.... all of these people clearly not following the teachings of christ because if they did they surly wouldn't be doing whatever it is they were doing... I wouldn't be doing what I am doing if I did... No woman wants to be with a man who gives himself over to christ...
Just yesterday my manager came up trying to crack the whip to get me to start doing something... while I waited to get seated a table out on the patio on the cold cloudy day..
I first thought how I get paid a nominal amount hourly wage, but he is trying to cut back his fucking labor costs by eating into the pool and getting me to do work for his shit... I had gotten there and worked a solid 3 hours without ever seeing one guest even consider sitting out where my section was... and now I was standing... and it was upsetting him that I was standing and talking to someone.... that I had a respite on his two dollar and fifty cent per hour clock... Sure they may pay me more if I dont make minimum wage an hour, but thats not the case anyways... because we pool I will just eat money out of the pool...
Then I thought about the teamwork I preach about... does that mean slavery? Does that mean we should all just be slaves!?!?!? Slaves for what?!?!? Don't try and hide behind different transactions and thoughts... you banksters....
FUCK OFF you bastards that try use a kernel of truth....
I just took a deep exhale, shit...
So he called us in to help this one team that was getting sat... when we walked up and asked if there was anything we could do for him he said no...
I felt frustrated because I was having a meaningful conversation with someone and some slave master comes over cracking his whip...
It bothered me... that I went along with it...
Fuck...
I thought about just leaving it all behind, I knew that it wasn't him coming over and telling us to come help someone who didn't need help to do something, it was me going along with it….
I was pissed that I didn't stand up to what I was feeling, what I knew was wrong... I was pissed that I didn't quit... for fucks sake why haven't I quit yet...?!?!
I went inside and when my offer of help was rejected I went in and just started doing random things... I knew that I am in this struggle right now... we are all in this struggle right now... the least I could do would be to help make it a little more easy for the people I am in the struggle with...
I dream of the day that people realize this bullshit we are doing.... and not necessary stop working, stop trading... after all thats not what I am talking about... but how many businesses will survive if they don’t pay their taxes.... if the government ceases to function as it does what would happen? Would people stop trading? Hardly... Food would still make it into the cities if there wasn't some embargo by other governments, other groups looking to leverage the system...
For fucks sake, do we see what we are giving into when with these fuckers...
These mother fuckers trying to instill fear and self-consciousness...
aaaaahhh...
I thought about starting my own business, but I knew what I would be doing... I would be cutting out my slice of the shit cake...
I would be just another cog in the wheel, leveraging the poor mother fuckers who come to me looking for a job because they just want to survive.... i'd have to pay them minimum wage to even keep my business afloat with all the fucking taxes and fees and shit... Some shit healthcare might be included, subsidized by the government, and some other mother fuckers
There is no free market... These crony capitalists love a free market until the people no longer want their products... until they no longer want their fucking razor blades.... Then they start trying to get in your head... they start trying to throw punches... they pick at you... Then they love the government... they love when the government taxes their small business competitors out of existence...
….
When we went back to Brooklyn after our day in the city with the up and coming wall-street mob we were walking up the steps leading out of the train gates, I heard someone outside the doors saying something over and over again, yelling it.... I wondered if we were going out the side that this guy was on, I thought I saw my friend consider going out the other way but his commitment to taking the quicker way overrode his desire to avoid the street preacher...
“The game is over! Jesus is coming! Are you ready? The game is over! Jesus is coming! Are you ready?”
I looked at him swaying about trying to tell everyone as he held his grocery bag filled with a small item or two. I could tell by the man's appearance that he wasn't drunk or anything, I just watched him with honor and awe as I walked past; with respect.... the strength that he has...
I think our eyes may have met at one point and I looked away and kept walking, and I heard him saying something as I had my back turned and was talking... something out of the regular chant... I turned he was talking to me... “I love you man!”
“I love you too” I replied.
“God bless you!” he exclaimed as I walked on trying to keep up with my friend who just kept walking...
“God bless you!”
When we returned to the train stop to head back into downtown Brooklyn to go to hang out at the building with the roof, after my friend had picked up his weed, as we approached the train gate entrance I hoped the man would still be there... going hard... But he was gone...
I was disappointed but accepted that he had stuff going on just as anyone else...
The next morning in NYC, I looked up the etymology of the word “create...” I knew what the word create meant.... it said it in the store... it had the dictionary definition on the wall at the register... “to bring (something) into existence”
I bought the shirt as homage to that concept.... bringing into existence...
This fucking world... life... what a trip... how does it exist???
“well... the big bang... quantum physics... gravity....”
For fucks sake... at what point will we remove our heads from our asses?
When I looked it up I looked up the prefix “cre” comes from the greek term for flesh, or kre... I looked up ate... which literally translates to the past tense of eaten... but as a noun suffix translates as “one acted upon” from the latin “-atus.” As a adjective suffix '-ate' translates into “marked by having.” Chemically speaking ate is used as a suffix given to a compound of an element, while containing oxygen and having a negative charge, is the compound most commonly found or the compound with the most oxygen.
Inst it weird how negative electrons are what different elements share.. but at the nucleus of the atom is where the positive charge ions are... the protons, gathered together with the neutrons... the negative charge circling around trying to keep everything confined, looking to other elements to help share their negative ions to help them do so... to keep things under control...
Sometimes I feel like the nucleus surrounded by a bunch of negative shit keeping me from going nuclear, letting me fuck shine and light up the world with who I am... keeping me caged in...
“you need the negative, balance....”
I refuse to accept the concept based on an analogy of concept that the world is the way it is... I know the fucking truth... because I cant come up with some mathmatical model for you..
Math is a language to express what we are perceiving in the real world... just because we cant express what I know is right... what I know is real... in terms of mathematics does that make it not real...!?!?!?!?!?!
Damn.... I dont want to fall for this shit... its a fucking scheme and I know it... I just want to live...
Instead I have to struggle on hear typing away... trying to find the answer to give to others what I know in my heart... Dont you know it? Part of me enjoys sitting here and hashing out these thoughts these feelings, but part of me just wants to go out there and be....
can I be?!
Unfortunately not... at least not yet...
If I went around and told everyone that the kingdom of heaven is at hand... that we could make a better world.. how many people would just shrug it off as another mother fucker coming by scheming, trying to take advantage...
Lets say hypothetically, some dick head rallies up enough dickheads to come through and start doing some terrible shit, raping and pillaging, conquering enslaving.. whatever...
Its easy to sit here, typing away in my nice apartment to come up with advice isnt it... about salvation...
I listened to my manager talk about salvation the other day.. he said “just make it through this month... and there is a light at the end of the tunnel” after graduations subside and its a pretty happy place to work.... See I know that he was lying because ultimately its gonna be the same... there are gonna be some impatient guests that come in and some bad yelp review they fear getting that they fear losing their job so they start cracking heads and making the place just as miserable to work at..
I know people worry about the evil in men, the egotists, they put up our guard... I am sick of it dammit... I am sick of worrying about invaders or terrorists or whatever else...
I want to trust in God, that he will take care of me, that he will provide... I want to trust that I am the lillies of the field...
then I find myself questioning, what if god works through you and me... what if god depends on me to do something... am I just giving up...!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!
…...........
Is it wrong to defend myself?
Should I defend myself?
…...
Should I just stand by and watch as an army comes through my town, burning buildings and people alike, raping young girls... executing people... should I standby and watch as I see people being starved, being denied their most fundamental rights as a living being....
Fuck that...
what then??
I just know that isn't right... Standing by and watch the world go to shit...
would that be because there is no Government.. no nationally regulated militia....
I remember a quote from Salladin form the movie Kingdom of Heaven...
He is questioned by one of his top commanders about his tactics, his decisions. The commander is more of a religious fanatic who has more of blood lust than anything... he justifies his decision by saying “How many battles did you win before I came, or should I say, before God determined that I should come?"
Isn't God within me?! Isnt the kingdom of heaven at hand?!
For fucks sake, am I just going to deny my instinct to stand up and defend these people because some bullshit doctrine or law or interpretation that tells me I shouldn't....
Should I just go quietly into the good night...? or should I rage against the dying of the light?!
Damn...
Was america right in standing by as millions of Jews were being killed...
I am so sick of this shit...
holy crap...
God save us...
'A King may move a man, a father may claim a son, but remember that even when those who move you be Kings, or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone. When you stand before God, you cannot say, "But I was told by others to do thus." Or that, "Virtue was not convenient at the time." This will not suffice. Remember that.'
that was another quote from kingdom of heaven that has stuck with me... and damn... I worry... I worry am I doing what's right? What world am I creating....?
Well how the fuck can I know when the government doesn’t tell me shit...
Why?!??!
Because I cant fucking handle it...!??!
You can take that bullshit and put it in your mouth and try to swallow..
damn...
I don't trust the government... and is that my fault or the governments....?
I saw some military bourgeois talking to people in texas that had raised concerns about the training for marshal law...
God damn...
Say there was something going on... that they were trying to mobilize for an event... do they know how things are going to play out... or are they just assuming how people will react... how do they see people..!?!? Do they see the good?? Do they see the potential for coming together...
There is nothing to hard, no challenge to great that we can't overcome together but we have to come together to do it... how can we come together if we cant be forthright, if we cant be honest about our feelings, about our perceptions so that we can learn, so that we can get perspective...
How can we do that if we are constantly in a state of fear about what other's will think, how others will react... how can we overcome something we don't even know exists...
If someone told you your whole life was a lie, how would you react? If someone told you what you had envisioned for the future was predicated on an illusion... what would you do?
Would you deny what the person was telling you? Ignore it? Maybe go as far as to blame that person for any “misfortune” that happens down the road? Maybe persecute that person? Would you have enough humility to admit the possibility you were wrong? Explore the possibility of other possibilities?